Monday, January 30, 2012

Opening Up...

So, I haven't been on to update you guys... but a week after my "intervention", I talked to one of my teachers. I just felt like I needed to tell someone about the fact that I cut, it had gotten to the point where I literally could not even look at my own arms and it was just bad.

So the next Wednesday (last week)... I skipped my music history class to hang out outside the dance studio and catch J when his class was over... it was really, really hard... but I was just like, "J, can you talk for a minute?" And he said 'of course' and we went over to another part of the lobby to talk. 

I really thought he might have known, if anyone had caught a glimpse of my wrist, I knew it would have been him... plus I just knew he would be the easiest to talk to. I asked him if there was anything he saw that made him want to talk to me the previous week... anything they hadn't mentioned... he said it was just that while he could see I was doing better, there were times when I sort of hit a wall... and it's not like I hit and just fell a few steps back, but I hit it HARD and would go all the way back to where I started. 

I told him there was something I did that I wanted to stop and that I was getting better at going longer without doing it but then every time I did it got worse... which of course makes no sense so he had to ask me what it was... so I told him I cut. I don't even know if the words came out right. He had to repeat what I said and I nodded. He said there was nothing wrong with that and we talked and he was telling me about thinking more positively and being more aware of my emotions and if I feel like cutting to think of something happy like the kids I work with. And then I was telling him how its just so confusing because I thought I was doing better but I guess I'm really not.

I told him how one of the things you would think most people are afraid of is the totally opposite for me When he asked what that was, I told him it was that I didn't think I was actually capable of killing myself and how it would be so much easier if I did or could (which he agreed). But I told him I knew that cause I had tried and it obviously didn't happen which he said makes him see me as fearless because I'm obviously not afraid of dying. 

He everything I said in a different perspective for me and really showed me the good side of all the bad stuff... like, even though it's not good stuff, good will come from it. He said he thinks that shows I DO care about myself somewhere in there to not go all the way through with it and I was like no, I just care about other people more than myself and I wouldn't be able to do that to them. He told me to think about it… how many people can actually say that? How many people do you know have ever done something that selfless? I guess he has a point...

We didn't talk about therapy at all which was good. I'm not going back to therapy, I just can't. And I think I made that pretty clear the prior week.

He said to check in with him once in a while and let him know how I'm doing and that if I'm having a hard time with something or struggling to just tell him know and we can talk about it. He told me its not gonna be easy (which i know) and that I'm gonna want to beat myself up sometimes, literally…. which I've actually done so yeah... but I felt better after talking to him just knowing someone knew I guess and was on my side and didn't think i was crazy. 

He said he sees all of this as a positive thing because in the end I'll be a stronger person for it. Even though it's bad stuff, it's hard, it's struggle, it's all okay. And he said there are people who don't have to struggle a lot with anything and how it sucks for them because the longer the struggle the better it is in the end because its more of an accomplishment. Also, that knowing that I want to stop self harming gives me a purpose in life and a goal and something to work for which a lot of people dont have. 

And once I do love myself it's gonna be that much more amazing because I have no idea what that even feels like and it'll be such a difference and so new to be and that when I am happy to let myself be and that it's gonna feel really weird and awkward at first but to let it feel that way because it's just that it's unfamiliar to me and I need to take time to get comfortable with feeling happy.

We spent about an hour talking. It really did feel good. I mean, he did most of the talking... but just telling someone was really, I dunno, healing? It just helped like, a lot. So, I walked into O's class an hour like and she said hi and was like "where you talking to J?" so I said yes and went to put my stuff in the dressing room... when I came back out she told me I could wait until Monday to present my revised improv. dance. I think she knows I went to him about something kinda serious so it was like this unspoken thing, like, you needed to do that and I'm proud of you for doing it.

Anyway, I think that's about it... it's been 5 days since I told him and I don't have class with him until next Monday. I don't think he's going to say anything about it which is good... it will make things not awkward. 

One thing that really made me feel good is when I told him, he didn't immediately look to my wrists. I mean, I know when I was actually saying some of the stuff I had to say, I couldn't actually look at him, but I just don't know if I would have been able to handle the reaction of someone's eyes wandering to my cleverly covered wrists after telling them I cut. 

And he was totally nonjudgemental and just didn't make me feel bad about it or like it was anything to be ashamed about. I was seriously in the best mood for like the next 3 days, it was honestly like having some of the weight taken off my shoulders. I'm so glad I was able to open up.

Friday, January 20, 2012


Wow... I still can't believe what happened yesterday... like... it just seems so unreal. I can't. I'm like really upset about it... but still processing it. Okay... yeah... so I guess I should explain...

I saw the director of the dance program, M, on Sunday and she said her and O (the other full time dance staff at school) wanted to talk to me so we set up a "meeting" Wednesday between two of my dance classes. I kind of had a bad feeling about it... like, "oh shit, they noticed my wrist" or something.

So I get out of class (it was O's class) and J was sitting outside the studio (another dance teacher, he didn't have a class). Everyone was kind of like, why's J here?

Well... it turns out he was there for me. I realized that when he went over to M's office. So... we all go into the tiny little office... me... and three of my dance teachers. I had no idea what was gonna happen but I knew it wasn't gonna be good. 

Basically, the three of them (along with other teachers) where concerned about me... they feel like I've been more distant and that I've sort of been on auto piolet and they wanted to reach out to me and make sure I knew they were there for me and that I had support. Oh god, I can't even handle this right now... 

I think I told you guys about how I told M in the spring I wanted to finish senior year online and told her I was going to look into counseling... so she asked if I was in any kind of counseling right now. I'm sorry this is seriously like so hard to process right now, I'm trying to write it down and keep having these moments... I hate when people care about me. Okay, so I told them I wasn't anymore and when they asked why I told them about having to go to the doctor and therefore stopping... so they wanted to know why he would say that and why I was saying anyone I want to would say that so I told them I have a "history of eating disorders". 

They were really being supportive... it's just... it brings up emotion. I can't handle any kind of emotion... so anyway, they were trying to tell me why therapy is good and telling me all these things I say to other people when they come to me and they said they were all available if I ever needed to talk about anything. They were asking what I was afraid of with the doctor, so I told them I didn't like them or trust them and that I've had bad experiences with doctors (and therapists) in the past. 

I told them I've been to about 6 different therapists and no one was ever able to help me. Nothing ever worked. There was the one case that just made things worse... I told them how my mom wanted to send me to some kind of psychiatric hospital over the summer and how she had tried to get me into residential programs for eating disorders before that. I told them how I was afraid everyone was going to leave me and how I've been proved right now far... how I have no friends... how the only friends I thought I really had ditched me. How they ditched me because of this... because I'm crazy. And I'm afraid of people finding out I'm crazy (they kept assuring me I'm not, but I know that's not true). I told them how I was afraid of being sent away somewhere. I told them how I've always hated myself... for as long as I could remember... how I hate everything about myself... that I just don't like being alive.

I told them a lot. Not in detail... pretty much as much detail as I'm putting in right now... we were in there for over an hour... most of what I told them I was only really able to do with J's prompting. He also told me he didn't think there was a single thing wrong with me, eating disorder and all. He said it didn't matter... nothing was wrong with me. 

M also asked if I was still going to the gym and I told her yes, but not every day any more... which she was really happy to hear. I didn't tell her I used to go 5 times a day sometimes... but, whatever.

They're all such inspirational people to me... and I just didn't know how to handle it. I didn't know what to say. I sort of did that thing where I unintentionally turn off my brain and there's absolutely nothing going on in my head and I just kind of stared down. There were a few really long, awkward silences... well... they were awkward for me cause I knew they were waiting for me to say something.

FUCK. I'm having such a hard time processing all of this... We spent a lot of the time with me saying there was nothing they could do for me and nothing I could do for myself and that things were better now and I feel like this is as good as it's gonna get for me. I'm messed up. I've always been messed up. I know that. 

I won't see any of them until Monday (well, I saw M today)... and J in passing, but I was sitting talking to one of the other dance majors and I was sort of in a good-ish mood... maybe pretending a little bit cause I really hate when people worry about me and I knew he'd come out... and I didn't want to be alone in a corner in case he said something. 

They were also saying how they know I have it in me... and how I do have good things. Like, I can't say I'm not pretty because I feel pretty when I'm in a ballet class (well, a good one at least). And how much I love working with kids and how good that makes me feel and everyone notices how I light up the second I start talking about any of my kids. And they think I'm gonna be a good therapist... I just need to get through this. And I can't rely too much on dance, I can't rely only on dance because one day it won't be there (I won't let that happen though). J said he knows that the confidence is in me, it's just letting it out. He said that when I'm sitting in the lobby between classes or waiting for class or whatever, I have a smile that lights up the whole lobby. And O said I need to allow myself to be happy... it's okay to be happy. Not if every time I am something bad happens again that just makes everything 10x worse than before. 

So much for everyone not knowing how screwed up I am.

I mean, I know they totally aren't going to judge me for any of this... like, I love these teachers. But I just can't believe this fucking happened. It's like totally unreal to me and I don't know how to deal with it or what to do about it.

M said at most, she might send me an e-mail here or there like, "are you smiling?", to remind me she's there for me. And O said she'll probably check in with me more so I don't have to go to her because it's hard asking for help. And J said he's always around and he already does check in with me from time to time... esp. last term. I was having a lot of issues with my back and being lightheaded (to the point I couldn't dance) and I missed SO many classes, and I NEVER miss his class and he wasn't even mad at me, he was just worried. 

They kept saying how I was worth it and how I deserve to be happy and how they were a room full of people proving to me that I'm worth it and people care. They said they wouldn't be doing this if they didn't care and if they didn't know I had it in me.

What I don't get is how since I've started feeling better... randomly I've been having people approaching me telling me they're concerned or like my mom wanting to send me away.... what I don't get is, where was everyone the last time I almost killed myself? 

Not there.

There's more.  I know there is... but I just can't do this right now... it's too much all at once. I'll update you guys when I can remember stuff or process it or just at a later time.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Freak Out

Oh my god... I can like... I... okay... so I was getting really excited about starting to eat HEALTHY and loose weight the HEALTHY way and I got super stressed and I did great up until after lunch today and then I ate too much and I feel so fucking fat and first it was mostly my stomach but there's fat on my hips and I already know my ass is big and I totally just undid all of my work at the gym this morning by food and I just never want to eat again I want all of this fat off of me, it's suffocating me, it's suffocating who I am. I want it all gone! I can feel it and it's everywhere and I don't even know what to do about it I just want to get rid of it!!

Monday, January 2, 2012

That's it!

I'm fucking tired of this shit. I'm fat as hell, my body is SHIT, I'm pale, I'm flabby, I'm ugly, I have dark circles under my eyes, my hair is like ALL split ends cause I'm too afraid of getting it trimmed and being so upset I fuckin' slice my leg open again.


Well I bought some fat burners the other night. The SQ Razor was on sale for $20. I need to take more pills. I'm going to the gym tomorrow, getting my nails done, going tanning, buying diet pills. I'm going to be skinny. I won't have time for lunch tomorrow. That's fine. Maybe I can pretend to go out with one of my "friends" in attempt to skip dinner. I don't need it. And I need to get back on top of my nightly workout routine... every night. Just like I used to.

I will be skinny.

That's the only way I'll know I can be fucking happy. And maybe a guy would want me then... or at least want me for sex since so guys even want that right now.

So that's it. I don't need a guy. I'm gonna focus EVERYTHING on being skinny again. EVERYTHING. 

It'll keep my mind off all the other shit and I won't sit around thinking up new ways of killing myself.

I hate my body. I hate everything about it.

I want thin arms. Thin legs. I want my thighs to not touch again. I want to see more of my collar bones, hip bones, and shoulder bones. I want a defined jaw line. I don't want my fucking FACE to be so god damn FAT! I want to be able to fucking SMILE without worrying about my face being insanely HUGE. I want to actually be okay with taking pictures... not just pictures... pictures of my whole body. OMG. IMAGINE FUCKING THAT. I could get rid of that camera anxiety with this simple solution. LOOSE WEIGHT. OMG!! Who knew?!? Maybe I'll go to the gym twice. Who knows. Fuck. I can't tomorrow... but I can do a more intense home workout before I jump in the shower. 

I should really turn my phone off too... it's not like anyone ever calls or texts me or anything but I'm so fucking paranoid and I just WANT them to so badly that I like need to have it with me... we'll see. If I can fit in the massage tomorrow, I'll do that... otherwise I'll go Tuesday. 

I will get my happiness back and I will be skinny.

I don't care if it fuckin' kills me.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

The worst feeling in the world... feeling unloved.

I don't even know where to fucking start... like... I just so desperately need to feel wanted. To feel cared about... to feel good enough.

I'll never know that feeling.

Nothings gonna happen with B... I've come to that conclusion. I just don't understand. Why kiss me then?

I kind of want to go see C. It's like a 4 hour drive but he was telling me the other night that I should drive down one weekend. 

I just need someone to tell me it's going to be alright. And for me to be able to believe them...

I can't.

I can't. I can't. I can't.


I still wanna kill myself... whatever... I think I always will. It's only been like 8 years now. Ughh... whatever. I'm still here.

It's 2am. I didn't get a single 'happy new year' text or phone call. Wow. YAY FOR FRIENDS!!! God... even drunk people don't like me now. Fuck it.

And I dunno if any of you have seen recent pictures of Snooki, who is fucking GORGEOUS as all hell. But she's superrrr tiny now... like even tinier than she was. She's seriously the most adorable thing ever!! 

Ugh, can I just be you??
Well... whatever. I'll never be as pretty or skinny as her. I really want to though...

Anyway... here's some Gerard Way stuff so I can try to feel less suicidal...

Thank you for inspiring me... everyday of my life... for helping me to realize (even though I may not see it right now) that life might just be worth living... and thank you for accepting me as I am, even when I can't stand myself. Thank you for helping me to think twice before cutting or poisoning myself or overdosing... thank you for being the voice of reason blasting through my speakers when I almost drive off a cliff or intentionally crash my car... thank you for being there when I have no one else.