Monday, January 30, 2012

Opening Up...

So, I haven't been on to update you guys... but a week after my "intervention", I talked to one of my teachers. I just felt like I needed to tell someone about the fact that I cut, it had gotten to the point where I literally could not even look at my own arms and it was just bad.

So the next Wednesday (last week)... I skipped my music history class to hang out outside the dance studio and catch J when his class was over... it was really, really hard... but I was just like, "J, can you talk for a minute?" And he said 'of course' and we went over to another part of the lobby to talk. 

I really thought he might have known, if anyone had caught a glimpse of my wrist, I knew it would have been him... plus I just knew he would be the easiest to talk to. I asked him if there was anything he saw that made him want to talk to me the previous week... anything they hadn't mentioned... he said it was just that while he could see I was doing better, there were times when I sort of hit a wall... and it's not like I hit and just fell a few steps back, but I hit it HARD and would go all the way back to where I started. 

I told him there was something I did that I wanted to stop and that I was getting better at going longer without doing it but then every time I did it got worse... which of course makes no sense so he had to ask me what it was... so I told him I cut. I don't even know if the words came out right. He had to repeat what I said and I nodded. He said there was nothing wrong with that and we talked and he was telling me about thinking more positively and being more aware of my emotions and if I feel like cutting to think of something happy like the kids I work with. And then I was telling him how its just so confusing because I thought I was doing better but I guess I'm really not.

I told him how one of the things you would think most people are afraid of is the totally opposite for me When he asked what that was, I told him it was that I didn't think I was actually capable of killing myself and how it would be so much easier if I did or could (which he agreed). But I told him I knew that cause I had tried and it obviously didn't happen which he said makes him see me as fearless because I'm obviously not afraid of dying. 

He everything I said in a different perspective for me and really showed me the good side of all the bad stuff... like, even though it's not good stuff, good will come from it. He said he thinks that shows I DO care about myself somewhere in there to not go all the way through with it and I was like no, I just care about other people more than myself and I wouldn't be able to do that to them. He told me to think about it… how many people can actually say that? How many people do you know have ever done something that selfless? I guess he has a point...

We didn't talk about therapy at all which was good. I'm not going back to therapy, I just can't. And I think I made that pretty clear the prior week.

He said to check in with him once in a while and let him know how I'm doing and that if I'm having a hard time with something or struggling to just tell him know and we can talk about it. He told me its not gonna be easy (which i know) and that I'm gonna want to beat myself up sometimes, literally…. which I've actually done so yeah... but I felt better after talking to him just knowing someone knew I guess and was on my side and didn't think i was crazy. 

He said he sees all of this as a positive thing because in the end I'll be a stronger person for it. Even though it's bad stuff, it's hard, it's struggle, it's all okay. And he said there are people who don't have to struggle a lot with anything and how it sucks for them because the longer the struggle the better it is in the end because its more of an accomplishment. Also, that knowing that I want to stop self harming gives me a purpose in life and a goal and something to work for which a lot of people dont have. 

And once I do love myself it's gonna be that much more amazing because I have no idea what that even feels like and it'll be such a difference and so new to be and that when I am happy to let myself be and that it's gonna feel really weird and awkward at first but to let it feel that way because it's just that it's unfamiliar to me and I need to take time to get comfortable with feeling happy.

We spent about an hour talking. It really did feel good. I mean, he did most of the talking... but just telling someone was really, I dunno, healing? It just helped like, a lot. So, I walked into O's class an hour like and she said hi and was like "where you talking to J?" so I said yes and went to put my stuff in the dressing room... when I came back out she told me I could wait until Monday to present my revised improv. dance. I think she knows I went to him about something kinda serious so it was like this unspoken thing, like, you needed to do that and I'm proud of you for doing it.

Anyway, I think that's about it... it's been 5 days since I told him and I don't have class with him until next Monday. I don't think he's going to say anything about it which is good... it will make things not awkward. 

One thing that really made me feel good is when I told him, he didn't immediately look to my wrists. I mean, I know when I was actually saying some of the stuff I had to say, I couldn't actually look at him, but I just don't know if I would have been able to handle the reaction of someone's eyes wandering to my cleverly covered wrists after telling them I cut. 

And he was totally nonjudgemental and just didn't make me feel bad about it or like it was anything to be ashamed about. I was seriously in the best mood for like the next 3 days, it was honestly like having some of the weight taken off my shoulders. I'm so glad I was able to open up.

1 comment:

  1. I identify with so much of what you said. It's like, my life, my thoughts, verbatim.
    I'm so happy you have someone to talk to, and that he's so understanding. I know cutting is so, so incredibly hard to leave behind. You can do it, sweetie.