Wednesday, April 27, 2011

I don't...

I am just so overwhelmed right now. By life, by the stuff I need to do, the stuff I'm never gonna get to, the people I'm apparently letting down, the things going on in my head, the things I'm feeling in my body, everything I see in the mirror, the fact that I'm still sick, the lack of sleep that I'll never catch up on. 

I just want to cry. But I can't. I want to scream. But I can't. I want to throw things, I want to... I don't even know. I just don't want to be alone... but I do. I want to sleep. I need to shower. I've been putting so much off that I don't even know where to start right now. 

I don't even know right now. I don't know how I feel. I don't know what to do. I can't even finish this post...

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Unhealthy Cycle

So I figured out why I'm so bitter over the situation with the boy and decided not to call him anymore. We've gotten into this cycle of having sex, me not hearing from him, me calling him when I'm back in town, having sex, me not hearing from him, me calling him when I'm back in town, having sex... get it? 

So yeah... I have no problems with that. It's nothing that's really breaking me down emotionally or anything. But this pattern we've gotten into is subconsciously reinforcing the fact that I don't feel like I'm enough. He's the type of guy I could see bangin' a different girl every night... and I just happen to be at the top of his list when I'm in town.... okay.... that sounds really bad. He is a nice guy. He isn't doing any of this intentionally. But either way... I can't afford to have reinforcers of me not being enough. He just wants me for sex. And that's fine. But then what about everything else? 

That means I'm not pretty enough, I'm not skinny enough, I'm not tan enough, I'm not healthy enough, I'm not crazy enough, I'm not sane enough, I'm not happy enough, I'm not smart enough, I'm not nice enough, I'm not bitchy enough, I'm not interesting enough, I'm not funny enough, I'm not confident enough, I'm not important enough... no need to continue...

And I really am doing well (whether noticeable or not, I can feel the slightest changes). Things I'm starting to realize... although I don't believe them yet.

So I've decided to not go down that road anymore. I don't want to backtrack. And there are people who regardless of the situation, I know will stand by me. T is one of them... even if we go through long periods of not seeing each other or really talking. But if I need something... I know I can always count on him to be there, if for nothing else than just talk to me. 

Ugh... and worst part of the T situation right now... is I think that I want him back. He's not feelin' the same way though... I know it. I wonder what would've happened if I opened up earlier on. I think it's better how we are now because we've gotten closer in the last year... but... yeah, who knows if that'll change anything now. 

We just need one good drunken night in the same place to start things up :)

Monday, April 25, 2011

Boys Boys Boys

Surprisingly, we got in NO trouble with the whole car thing. I didn't get to see T that night but I did see him last night. We hung out and it was fun, I really do miss hanging out with him. I realize a little more everyday how well he really does treat me and how he's there for me even if we haven't talked in a while and I come up with these ridiculous questions to ask him about me being a bad person or not being pretty or whatever else. I remember him telling me one time that I aggravated him when I did that because he just couldn't understand or whatever. And I love that he was honest with me... and it didn't change anything.

When we went out we weren't this close. He didn't know as much about me... I just recently started letting him in. And he's cool about it. He doesn't judge me for it. He's also changed some since then and I like that. But we drove back to school together and then I went over to his place and we smoked and watched a movie with his roommates. I really really wanted to hook up with him. Like so bad. But it didn't happen. I was actually way more upset about the fact that absolutely nothing happened then I thought I would be. It was still a good night though. Hopefully we can hang out more now.

I'm planning to finally have my blacklight party in about 3 weeks. I'm not going to invite the other boy. 
A) J would freak.
B) I don't want him and T in the same place... especially with everyone drinking and especially because T knows about him and some (most) of what the situation is. No... he knows it all...

If I had to choose between the two... T really is a good guy. I mean, they both are. But T is a better friend to me right now and I know that he would never take advantage of me. He really is starting to understand me. Haha... in the car last night he goes "you have a very addicting personality". BINGO. I know that. He also told me that he thinks we're all a little insane in our own minds... which made me feel a little better about being crazy. I haven't heard from him (yet) today but I know he had work for a few more hours. 

Oh boy drama. This rarely happens. But you know what... it gets my mind off everything else in my life. I would much rather have boy troubles then everything else I'm always dealing with. I'm going to clean. This week. I have much more motivation to now. Sleepover?? Hahaa. J told me last night that my problem was that I always sleep with assholes. But really... even if that's true, it doesn't bother me all that much. 

I dunno how I feel about it. I think I'm really leaning toward T right now though. I just miss being in someones arms. Is that bad? I mean, that's not why I'm "choosing" him or whatever... I think I actually may have more feelings for him then when we went out. Cause everything was so new then... him, dating, school, everything. And I didn't open up... I never even really got to be myself, I was still very shy and had a hard time trusting anyone (I'm getting better). We just hooked up all the time. Now we actually know each other. I just wish I knew what he was thinking...

Eh... well that's it for now. 

Broccoli... hahahaa. So true. Sorry, I should explain... one of my friends calls guys that are in T's frat broccoli because they repeat on you. I've hooked up with T after we broke up... she's done the same with guys she's been with in that frat... as well as another friend of ours. So yeah... broccoli. 

Or second chances <3

Saturday, April 23, 2011

My life... is a shit-show.

No more car sex with the boy. Or anyone for that matter. Having a cop knock on the window was not one of my finest moments. I could get into more detail... but I'm not gonna.

I went to another one of my friends houses after cause I didn't wanna go home and he took one look at me and goes "what did you do?" My life... is a shit-show. 

I really don't understand how I always seem to get myself into these situations. 

I could say so much... about everything... but I can't right now. I'm gonna see my "ex" tonight hopefully. I put ex in "" cause we're still friends (we don't see each other a lot tho, I haven't seen him since like Nov.)... and our relationship wasn't very long. We're a lot closer now.

I told him about how I would rather if all a guy wants is to fuck me, then they should just be a straight up asshole to my face not act all nice and like they care... and he's like, I might start bein an asshole to you just so I can get some. 

What he doesn't kno... is he would get some just being the way he has been... esp. these past few months. With him... I can be friends and still hook up and whatever... this other guy. He's gotta choose. Sex or friendship. I just can't give him both without a commitment. Yet I keep goin back to him expecting things to be different. Like somethin's gonna change. But no. I still feel like he just kinda feels bad for me. It's whatever. 

So I'm gonna go tanning and hit up the gym with J... then I'll come back here to shower and such and she's goin to dinner at her sisters around 5ish... so after that we'll meet up again... probs with T (male T is the "ex"... different from female T who's been one of my best friends since forever). I need a better system, haha. I just gotta make sure to tell him not to bring up anythin about last night cause J doesn't know and I can't really tell her (oh my God that's gonna kill me). I don't want her to hate me tho... and... yeah... 

I'm gonna run. Love you all <3 Stay safe :)

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

So just love me as I come...

I added  on to the song page!! I now have videos for....
-Breathe by Billy Dortch
-It Gets Better by Chris Salvatore
-Feather in the Wind by Mindy Gledhill

So my throat is KILLING me. Like, it feels really tight... I dunno... I hope I'm not getting sick again, I barely ever got better.

So yesterday... oh my God. I had to bake fresh cookies from scratch. Never did that before. It was okay. Kinda gross cause then I smelled like butter and had to obsessively wash my hands. The worst part though, I had to eat part of one. I thought I was going to die but if a kid offers you food you can't refuse, you at least have to take the first bite (which is the hardest of course). But saying no to the food is like saying no to the kid so I put on my big girl panties and sucked it up. Then when I left I was driving back freaking out all I wanted to do was throw up, but I couldn't cause I was in the car... I wanted to pull over so badly even if I just threw up in a bush or on the side of the road it was that bad. I was crying and shaking. I didn't allow myself to pull over though. That would just have opened so many more doors for me that I don't need to go through.

I did eat a little dinner later that night. I also had dinner tonight (plus a snack, ew). Breakfast and lunch were both just coffee. I am making myself eat at least one meal a day (typically dinner) and getting coffee when I want it. Even if I feel kind of gross after I know I can't let myself get too far down the path of anorexia... as much as I want it... as bad as that sounds.

I got two of the books (Shrink Yourself and The Body Image Workbook). I started reading Shrink Yourself and even though I'm  not really an "emotional eater" to the extent in which the book was written, I still use food as a way to avoid my emotions... whether it's a binge or extreme restriction. I have a terrible relationship with food, I'm aware of that. But even though there are a lot of things in the book that don't apply to me... it's still interesting material and we'll see what happens when I get to the activities at the end. I'm not ready for The Body Image Workbook. Not at all. I have to get through Telling ED No! and Regain Your Self first. Those are being shipped to my apartment. 

Oh... and something I learned. I can't rush recovery. I can't set a date for myself that I want to be "better" by. Life doesn't work by set deadlines... it just goes with the flow... and that's what I'm going to do... although, I may be swimming upstream a lot before I found out where I made that wrong turn.

I don't have too too much to say right now. Like I said, I'm not feeling well. My sinuses are going crazy! It sucks but it's whatever... I just hope I'm not getting sick again. I took some medicine just in case though.

By the way... check out Feather in the Wind. It's really beautiful <3

Monday, April 18, 2011

Trying to "fix" myself. Ew.

Second post of the day. I little more about how I'm actually doing, what I'm doing...

So. I feel, icky. Nothing new there. I need to clean my apartment (yes, I still haven't done it). I'm just sitting online and wondering... what has happened to imgfave?? I used to go there to get away from my ED, to be inspired. And now there's so much thinspo on there, it's ridiculous! 

And stupid me 'favorites' all of these pictures because a huge, huge part of me still wants to look like that. I still want that. But I want recovery. Or do I? I want a normal life. But not normal. Just... not with a disorder. "Normal is just a setting on a washing machine." It was in "Next to Nothing". I almost want to write my own book after reading that. Ha, me write a book.

But seriously, like if I edited some stuff out of my blog and added some stuff in, I could get it published. Nah. So I went to dance tonight. And after reading that book... every time something would pop into my head:
- A skinny girl walks by, "I hate her." 
- I see my fat ass, "Ew, I'm disgusting."

But I tried to not get too hung up on those things... "I don't hate her. My eating disorder hates her." "Maybe my ass isn't that fat (it is though) my eating disorder just tells me it is."

I do need to loose weight, and I can be safe and healthy at a lower weight. I just hate that so much of recovery focuses on gaining weight. Not all of us need to gain weight. But even the thought of loosing or doing anything to control food or weight is unheard of. I dunno. Everything's just scrambled up in my head running rampid. I catch bits and pieces of things. Part of my knows that I've fallen so hard so many times... and that there's a real good chance if it happens again, I'm not gettin back up.

Getting the recovery workbooks is going to be a process. I have to go into the store to order them online and then go back to pick them up. I hate that the shelves are full of books for if you know someone suffering from an eating disorder, but it is so hard to find something if you are the sufferer. You can find them online, but I have no way to pay online. So this is my only option. Ugh. I have four books on my list, should total to about $50 that I don't have. 

1) Shrink Yourself: Break Free from Emotional Eating
2) Regaining Your Self: Understanding and Conquering the Eating Disorder Identity
3) Telling ED No!
4) The Body Image Workbook

I'm not ready for professional help... though I am very sure I need it. And some time off school, no doubt. People actually come and and comment on how stressed the students here always are even compared to other college students and how because of our awkward schedule, lack of breaks (even for summer), and six month undergrad internships we seem to be extremely stressed. We have four terms a year, each one only 10 weeks, then a week for finals, and we get about a week off before starting the cycle all over again. Basically, each season is it's own term. Awesome, right? Not so much. Week 5 is midterms, but some professors have a midterm in week 4 and week 6 just to spread it out. We learn the same amount in one quarter that any other university learns in one semester. I'm not a smart kid. This is not okay.

I don't even know why I'm here. But enough of that. Oh. I have to start studying for the GRE's. Crap. Why am I doing this again? Oh well.. too much thinking.. don't like it.. gives me a tummy ache.  I'm kind of just rambling now. I just suddenly got tired and can't remember anything I was going to say. Go figure. I'll post again soon :)

Oh! But one thing I do remember... I don't know if I told you guys about Natalia. Natalia is my "inner critic", my eating disorder, my bad thoughts. She is PERFECT. She has the perfect body, perfect hair, is gorgeous and thin, looks good in anything and everything. Everyone loves her. She's a sweetheart. She's smart. Shes PERFECT. But she's a bitch to me. She's the one that says all of those nasty things that are running around in my head. And for some reason... I still look up to her, want to be her, want to make her proud. So yeah... that's Natalia.

I guess overall... even though I feel like total shit and hate everything about myself, the way I look, and the way I am... I am going to try to do something about it. I know it won't be easy. I know it won't happen right away. But I at least need to take these steps for myself before I can get myself into therapy. I also need to go to the town with the hopsital back home. I need to do that. I need to go there and breathe before anything else. Maybe after reading "Next to Nothing" it will somehow make that easier? I'll be there this weekend. And I am going to try again. I am going to keep trying... over and over... until I do it. Until I can be there and not hyperventilate or break down and cry.

Okay... so I'll go now. Yeah... haha. Goodnight... or morning, depending on where in the world you are <3

Baby Steps: Next to Nothing

I just finished reading this. It only took me a few hours last night and then a few here and there throughout today. I highlighted, took notes in the margins, the whole nine.

I found it extremely useful. Baby steps. I read a book. J was the one that got my to buy it (she doesn't know she did that though). I'm not making any promises... and I'm still not quite ready to 100% get rid of the restricting aspect of my life. But the binge, diet pill, ex-lax. That sucks. This book showed me that I'm not alone and I'm not crazy.

I'm not the only one that doesn't have a specific traumatic incident that triggered the onset of my eating disorder. And you don't need that to recover. Also, it's okay to not be ready for recovery. I mean... I know I want it one day. I wish I could find the exact quote but I don't have the time right now... at one point though she says that you may never really be fully ready for recovery. It's a scary process. 

She goes on throughout the entire book about how it's okay to fall down as long as you keep picking yourself up and trying again. She also says how the eating disorder didn't just appear overnight, so recovery isn't going to happen overnight either... it takes time. She talks about the types of therapies she's been in and her personal experiences. It is also not uncommon for eating disorder to shift. Like me, her eating disorder started off as anorexia and after treatment (the first time) she shifted over to having some more bulimic tendencies. Always a reason I am bitter about my first round of "treatment", if you can even call it that. But I guess it was either that or I would be dead already. She says that while both recovery and eating disorders are hell... recovery has a positive outcome, where all that lies at the end of an eating disorder is a coffin. Pretty straightforward. 

I love that this book isn't just about anorexia. It isn't about any specific subtype of an eating disorder, it is about all eating disorders. All the people who suffer them. It really is a book for everyone. It's great for you if you are or think you may be suffering an eating disorder, and it is also good for your loved ones or someone who needs to understand what you are going through.

Well, I have to go now. How am I feeling? Like I need to shower. I'm sore. I don't really have much makeup on... and I feel completely huge. But I'm alive. I guess that's all that matters? I have a killer headache too. But I'm gonna get going, I have dance in about an hour.

Oh, and also... once I get some money, I'm going to get some ED Recovery Workbooks to get started off. There's also one I found online, and it's not a bad price plus it gives you access to online forums and even Skype groups to work through the workbook together. Baby steps. Baby steps. Baby steps.

Hope you are all well. I know I haven't been around much this last week or so.

"As long as you breathe, there is always hope." 

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Beautiful Surgery - BOTDF

The battle's in the mirror is only the beginning,
The battle is in myself; seems never-ending.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Obviously bored...

1. Tell us who the last person that you took a shower with.
Myself J

2. Tell us about your favorite tee-shirt. Extra points if you show a pic.
Well I really liked the new bright v-necks I got from Victoria’s Secret but they fade so easy!
3. Has anyone ever hit on you even though they knew you were taken?
No… I don’t believe that’s ever happened to me.
4. Do you plan what to wear the next day?
As in tomorrow? Yoga pants and a long sleeve tee since I’ll be at the gym/teaching a mini pilates class and then I have a two hour rehearsal.
5. How are you feeling RIGHT now? Why?
Mixed feelings. Loving the storm. Lonely. I had a pretty great day. But I’m not happy with myself in general.
6. What's the closest thing to you that's black?
I have black sweats on, my iPhone is black, there’s a black bag about 2 feet away, and I could probably name a few other things too.
7. Tell me about an interesting dream you remember having.
I generally don’t remember my dreams. I remember having one recently that I remembered in the morning but now I don’t even know what it was about.
8. Did you or might you meet anybody new today?
Sort of. I was at an autism fundraiser/race. So I talked to a few people, played with a bunch of kids. It was fun. I won’t ever be seeing any of them again though.
9. If you could be doing anything right now (or perhaps after you finish this ridiculous meme) what would it be?
Playing in the rain maybe.
10. Do you floss?
Yes, but my teeth are close so it’s hard. And I only do it when I have to =/
11. What comes to mind when I say China?
My eyes.
12. Are you overly emotional? 
Possibly. But more just numb… because of the emotional overload. I have no control over my emotions.
13. If you could listen to just one rock album (CD, vinyl or mp3) which one would you pick?
Oh no… I need more than just one album. Let’s be real now. 
14. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it?
I don’t really eat ice cream but I know I would never bite it because of my teeth sensitivity. 
15. Do you like your car?
I love that little piece of shit!
16. Do you like yourself?
Unfortunately no.
17. Would you go out to eat with Charlie Sheen?
I don’t like going out to eat. Charlie Sheen doesn’t change that fact. 
18. What was the last song that you listened to? 
My most recent mix. I wish I could just add a sound file. Maybe I’ll make a video of the lyrics or something. It’s called my Get Better Mix.
19. Are (or were) your parents strict?
Not really. 
20. Have you ever wondered what attending a wild orgy (if only to watch or...) would be like?
No, can’t say I have.
21. I say cottage cheese. You say:
22. Have you ever met a celebrity?
A few broadway stars. Some dancers. I don’t think I’ve met any TV/movie celebrities.

23. What was the last movie that you watched at home?
Space Jam is on mute on the TV right now.
24. Is there anything sparkly in the room you're in?
HAHA! Oh God! What ISN’T sparkly in my room?!?
25. What countries have you visited?
U.S. (since I, you know, live here) and I went on a cruise once. Oh, and to Aruba (not my favorite).
26. Have you ever made a phone call while you were drunk that you've regretted? If yes, do tell.
I drunk text (like it’s my job) but never call.
27. Where were you going the last time that you were on a train?
Probably either home/back to school. But I haven’t taken the train since I brought my car down.
28. Bacon or sausage?
29. How long have you had a cell-phone?
Since 6th grade. So like… 12?
30. What other memes do you do regularly?
Whatever kills the time.
31. Who is the craziest meme host?
I dunno.
32. Who invented chop sticks?
33. Who are you going to be with tonight?
34. Are you too forgiving?
Yes. I don’t like to lose people. 
35. When was the last time that you were in love?
Never =(
36. Tell us about your best friend.
Which one?
- K is amazing and I love her to death and she checks up on me without being judgmental or telling me what to do.
- T has always been there for me since we were 3 years old. She’s been through so much and I admire her for getting through it all.
- J is my heterosexual partner J I love this girl despite the fights we may have from time to time. We always have an amazing time when we’re together.
37. What was the stupidest thing you learned in high school?
Everything they taught in school.
38. What was the last thing that you cried about?
The song for my senior solo came on and I thought it was ironic how I used a song about finding my spot on the world to leave the only place I will ever belong.

39. What was the last question you asked?
40. Favorite thing to do this time of the year?
Be outside? 
41. If you had to get a (or another) tattoo, what would it be? 
ED Recovery tattoo (back of the neck?), something that takes up my whole left side from front of hip to back of shoulder… probably a dragon (maybe with the ED Recovery symbol built in).  
42. How would your best friend describe you?
Ask them.
43. Have you ever seen all three Twilight films?
No and I don’t ever plan on it.
44. Ever walked into a glass door?
All the time. 
45. Favorite color on that person that you are attracted to?
I dunno. Anything really J
46. Have you ever slapped someone?
Why yes, yes I have.
47. What hair style (for you) would you like to see return?
Long… I miss my long hair. I’m workin on it though.
48. What was the last CD you bought?
Ahaha! CD?!? Oh boy… how old is this? I know my first was a Christmas CD (Sounds of the Season) <3
49. Do looks matter to you?
I wish they didn’t. 
50. Could you ever forgive a liar?
Maybe. But I could never forget.
51. What's the hardest bill to pay every month?
I don’t do bills yet =/ 
52. Do you like your life right now?
Not at all… unfortunately. I won’t lie. I have my good moments… but they’re only moments. 
53. Do you sleep with the TV on?
54. Can you handle the truth?
Yes.  And I better hear nothing but the truth.
55. Do you have good vision?
Pretty good, yeah. 
56. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people?
57. How often do you talk on the phone?
I try to do it as much as I can J 
58. What celeb would you like to come home to?
Chester See. Oh. My God.
59. What are you wearing?
Black dance sweats, faded green Victoria’s Secret v-neck tee. Oh... and a polka dot blanket :P
60. What is your favorite wild animal?
Black panthers. 

61. Where was your facebook picture taken?
In my apartment. I posted it on J’s wall saying that one day I was going to be a licensed dance movement therapist.  

62. Can you waltz?
Yes. I love a good waltz <3
63. Do you have a job?
I’m an intern for a private practice and a pilates instructor. I also volunteer as a dance instructor in a public school.
64. What was the most recent thing you stole?
Haven’t stole anything recently. But I do need some new earrings :P
65. Have you ever crawled through a window?
Oh my God! I used to do it all the time! I love going through windows! Don’t judge me :P