Thursday, March 31, 2011

Killing myself to see I'm alive.

I was just writing a thread on PrettyThin to see if anyone else got that calming feeling from feeling their bones. And all the sudden I paused.... and thought "to know I'm real".

I always get frustrated that EDs come from things. They're mental. But I never understand why me. I haven't been through anything traumatic. I'm just fucked up.

I think I'm killing myself to show myself I'm alive.

It's like the song Iris by Goo Goo Dolls... "yeah you bleed just to know you're alive". That songs always been a favorite of mine. And I do cut, so it really resonates with me. But knowing my bones are there, they're real, they're visible. Does that mean I am all  of those things to? Can I only be seen if I'm too small to be seen? Or is being small the excuse for me not being seen? Not being heard? Is being small the excuse to my small, weak voice? 

But when I'm small, I'm none of those things. I'm confident. My bones give my confidence. They give me strength. Bones are strong. Dense. 

If I'm small, will I allow myself to get the help I need from others? Because I'm the size of a child? Because I look delicate, it will make it okay to let that side of me out?

Oh my God. This is all too deep and complex for me right now. I don't know what's going on. My mind is racing a million miles per second right now trying to figure it all out. 

Oh, wow. 

I don't even know.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Can you really see through me now, I am about to go.

I have so many thoughts lately and I never know where to start.

My day. I'll start with my day. I woke up for work, allergies made me feel sick as hell. I only gave myself an hour to get ready so I'm tryin' not to puke while I get much stuff together and drive to work. I know I won't, I never do (unless I'm also on my period). But I wish I would. Just wake up every morning, vomit, and go on with my day. Because at least then I wouldn't feel super nauseous, ya know? Or if I could make myself do it, which I can't... I've tried several times. Just to get rid of the feeling. But then again we all know if I could do that I would spend most of my day over the toilet.

So work was good today, I really enjoyed the end of the day setting up a game for a client :) But lunch, awkwarrrrdddd... My supervisor asked me if I was hungry around 1-1:30ish and I said no but she was so she had her lunch with her husband while I hid in the office and pretended to do work, which I really don't have any to do yet. After that we went shopping for games and to get brochures printed and stuff. She's kind of all over the place sometimes so I don't think she even remembered I skipped lunch. I can't do that all the time, but I'm looking forward to having more work to actually do so I can say I'm not hungry and then just get shit done. 

Haha, when she came back from seeing a client I was huddled into a little ball in her office chair, hood up, skillet playing on pandora. I love to feel small. I need to feel small. It's comforting to me. So is the feeling of my own bones. When I get anxious, I can just feel my bones and it calms me down... if I can't feel the bones or they aren't prominent enough, I'm fucked.

I had rehearsal after work, and now I'm finally back. I've felt bloated and fat and huge and uncomfortable all day. I have a performance on Friday night. Fuck. I need my costume by tomorrow for tech., I need to figure it out tonight because I leave super early tomorrow and then am running straight to dance (late) because of work. Which means trying things on tonight. Fuck. In addition to showering... ughh. I literally can't change a t-shirt without closing my eyes. 

Now onto boy things. It's really fuckin buggin me. Still nothing. And everyone keeps telling me to text him, but I refuse to. I shouldn't have to. And even if I did, I know he would respond. He will always respond. But I don't want him to talk to me just cause he feels bad for me. He's just that kind of person. He loves everyone, he wants everyone to be happy. He wants to save everyone. I don't want to be saved. I don't want to be pitied.

And as always, the more I think of something, the more I put the blame on myself. I'm not pretty enough. I wasn't as crazy as the last two times he met me. I'm too fat. I'm bad at sex. I told him too much. I'm a crazy psycho bitch diagnosed with anorexia/ednos who is covered in scars. I have the lowest self esteem I think I've ever seen. There isn't a single thing about myself I like. My personality sucks. I didn't talk enough. I'm too easy. I'm not a happy enough person overall. I don't dress cute. I wear too much makeup. I don't wear enough makeup. I could go on forever. 

I let my guard down. For some unknown reason, I let someone in. And now we haven't talked in a week. Everyone leaves me. Everyone. No one likes me. It's always been that way. Hell... I don't like me. 

I can't believe I let myself think he was any different from all the other guys. I think part of why it's buggin me is also cause I really do like him. I don't like guys that often. It fuckin sucks. 

My supervisor asked me something today that really made me think. She asked how I like to be acknowledged for doing a good job or whatever. Did I like flowers? Did I like to go out to lunch? Did I like (fill in the blank)? And I honestly couldn't answer. It's like I don't think I deserve any of that ever. I dunno. I'm just doing what I'm supposed to be doing, I shouldn't be praised for it. Whatever.

I feel like there is so much more to say right now... but I just can't think... plus I think this is long enough.

Again, I want to thank you guys so so much for reading my nonsense. You're comments mean the world to me... they make me smile :) 

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

And I don't know what I've done to me.

Again, I apologize for the total overload of posts. But you guys are all I have. 

So today was the first day of my internship. It went well. It was mostly setting up and kind of preparation for what is to come, what to expect, future projects. A lot of talking. There was a quick trip to staples. And I did a tad bit of office work the last 40 minutes or so. I briefly met one of the clients I will be seeing on occasion but just in passing. He seemed great though! And so adorable.

Here's the thing. It's a little uncomfortable for me to be around a therapist. Even though I'm not the one in therapy, I still always feel like I'm being analyzed. Some of my psychology professors are also counselors and I always got the same feeling with them which led to me never asking questions (I did once, it did not end well for me) and me not even bothering to go to class. I hate that uncomfortable feeling of being judged.

Then... its a private practice, run out of her home. I spend the day with her, her husband (who also works from home), and their two cats who aren't aloud near each other. Lunch. We all sit down for lunch together. Me, my supervisor, and her husband. Which means I need to being/eat lunch. I've always been huge on skipping lunch. I brought a fuze drink if I wanted it or for the way home, and an apple... because a) I didn't want anything and b) I didn't have anything to bring. 

She did comment on the apple. I knew she would. I start at 11:30 on Tuesdays so I blamed it on a late breakfast. We didn't sit down to lunch until 2 and it's an hour commute so the latest the breakfast could've been is 10am, latest (I didn't even have breakfast in reality). So as I'm nibbling at tiny bits of my apple trying to make it look eaten without actually getting much in, mostly just keeping myself busy with it and drinking a lot of water, she says to be "wow you must have had a big breakfast if all you're having is an apple". Fuck. I played it off. And her and her husband like, full out cook for lunch. I always had small lunches.

So now I just went to CVS. I grabbed a granola bar and I'll bring that along with my apple tomorrow. I really will probably only have that though. Maybe I can make it look like I ate the whole thing and manage to through some of it out. I picked up bread so I can make sandwiches, but I really really don't like the idea of eating lunch. It's seriously freaking me out so much. And I work 3 days a week, the other two days I go in earlier. I can't always say I had a late breakfast, she's watching me like a hawk (in my mind). She's a dance movement therapist, she's reading my body language, seeing how uncomfortable I am during lunch/being around food. She's going to know. Fuck.

I feel so fat and huge and disgusting. I only went to CVS to get food so she won't call me out. I had a snack when I got back from dance. I meant to only have a snack and ended up with dinner and a snack. Fuck. I feel so gross. Bloated. Fat. Fuck. I need a razor. I hate this. And to think I just thought I was getting better. I actually was able to say out loud for the first time ever that I had been diagnosed with anorexia. To the asshole boy of course. Still no word from him, by the way. I didn't tell him I cut, he said it. Fuck. How did I end up letting him in? I told him more in one night than I have ever told anyone in my life. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I feel so fat. I'm not looking forward to dance costumes on Friday. I need to wear tights... a) because I'm fat and no one wants to see that and b) because all the fucking scars. Fuck. 

Sorry. I don't know how I got to sidetracked. I'm just so disgusted with myself. And I'm getting a fucking pimple on my left ear right in the spot I wanted to get pierced. Which I am so doing this weekend. I just have the need to put more holes in my head (I already have 4 piercings in each ear and temporarily had my bellybutton pierced). FUCK.

I am SO sorry for the lack of inspiration lately...
I'm sorry for being such a failure at absolutely everything...

You know what sucks about working? Commitment. What happens if I'm just gone one day? What happens if clients got used to be being there and then I'm just not. It's just like everything else, it's not like anyone would miss me... but they would have to rework things if I were no longer there. I would just be causing more work for everyone.
I'm so confused.

Not every girl can do that shit.

Everything's better with a tan.

Really, it is. In my opinion at least. Mine is slowly beginning to show. 

And I've been thinking about which piercing to get... I think I want a rook. Anyone have that done? That could possibly tell me on a scale of 1-10 how much it's going to make me cry? Seriously though, if you know anything about it let me know!

First off, I should apologize for the overload of posts. I just got back at school and have no one to talk to about anything, except for you guys. I'm still working on getting J to turn around but even when she does, it never will be and never has been the same since our first fight. She doesn't know everything, never has, never will. 

So really, the main reason for this post was the boy drama. Yeah, I dunno... I wish I could make this available just to be followers but what the hell.

I'm putting a disclaimer on this post from hear on out saying it's adult content. Personally, I don't think I went too overboard, but I just want to put that out there.

So here's what I don't get about guys. First of all, they're all douchbags. I mean, I know a few who aren't... well... like two... C and S. Both very, very far away. And one of course is like, my best friend. So anyway, guys just want sex. Whatever. That's fine with me. But if all you wanna do is fuck around then I'd rather you straight up be an asshole to my face. Don't go bein' all nice and spending the rest of the night talking to me about anything and everything... literally everything. We already had sex, you got what you wanted. So go home. Don't continue being nice to me. Asshole. 

But here's the thing. I'm more pissed at myself for letting my guard down. I NEVER let my guard down. It takes people years to never to get to know the real me. Fuck that. I let myself think he was different than other guys. That he wasn't one of those guys who just wants to fuck a different girl every night. That I wasn't gonna be just another number yet again. If you're just lookin' for a fuck buddy, that's cool... but don't lead me on. Don't call/text me and tell me you miss me all the time. Don't say you wanna see me again if you don't. I hate liars. 

We fucked. It's cool. No big. But then nothing. Spent the whole night talking, AFTER having sex... when he didn't need to prove anything to me or try to impress me... and then nothing. No text, no call. Nothing. It's 5 days or something. That's cool. What the fuck? Asshole. All I have to say at this point is you better be glad I'm flexible cause not every girl can do that shit.

The worst part. If he ever does talk to me again about whatever... is I still kinda like him and think other than the whole not getting in touch with me thing that he's a really great guy. I thought we actually connected. I thought there was something there. I opened up to him. I don't even know why. And he did with me too.

Just another reason not to believe my second tattoo. Apparently I'm only good for one thing. Whatever. Just gives me an excuse to fuck around. I know I act like a hard ass around people and pretend nothing ever gets to me, but you guys see the other side of it. I'm not really sad about this, I'm just pissed at the situation. But then again I tend to take my sadness out as anger... so maybe I am sad? I don't even know. It's coming out at anger. That's what I know.

I am human. I do have a soft side. 
So fuck you.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Totally random...

So first off, there's a few things that I wish were different about blogspot...

a) I wish there was a way to be notified if when someone comments. Not like, on your own blog, that's easy enough to check... but I mean on other people's blogs. So that we could like... respond to a person's comment right there. I used to do that all the time and then I was like... who's gonna see this? Who is going to go back to an old entry and read through the comments? So yeah, I wish there was an option for that.

b) I wish we could make posts available only to subscribers. I wouldn't do this for all of my posts but there are a few things I wanna get out there but I'm paranoid other people will find them somehow and magically know it's about them if it is. I know, kind of unrealistic, but whatever.

c) I had another one, but by the time I got around to writing this I totally forgot.

OH! And I don't think I told you guys, but I'm back to being a straight up brunette. It's been so long!! I do really like it though. It's a lighter lighter underneath and if you look closely you can still see some of the colors very faded under the brown, but I kind of like it that way. It makes it unique. Anyway, my internship starts tomorrow so I figured it was better to go all brown than re-bleach, re-dye, blah blah blah. 

Also, I had a very lovely encounter with a homeless woman today. I always feel bad when I have nothing to give the homeless, but she was very sweet and so nice! I felt super bad cause it wasn't like she was one of the creeper guys that stand outside of the 7-11, she was just walking along with her friend and they needed tokens for the trolley. I wish I could've helped. One day I will be able to.

Holy CRAP my back hurts right now! Sorry, talk about random....

I really had so much to say but now I can't remember any of it!! That's alright, I'll keep this post short I guess since it's the second of the day. Although... the thing I was kind of referring to about wishing I could make private entries... is probably going to be a new post I may right tonight. It's a boy thing... not something I usually post about since boys don't really like me. I just got proof of it is all... I mean, kind of. I just came finally agreed that, yes, there are plenty of guys who would fuck me, but that's all they want from me. Yeah, I'll get the details to you guys in another post at a later time. 

 So I'll waste my time and I'll burn my mind on miss nothing, miss everything.

Okay, I'm done now.

Much love <3

The Versatile Blogger

The Rules:

1. Thank the person who loved you enough to bestow this gift

2. Share seven things about yourself.

3. Bestow this honour onto 10 newly discovered or followed bloggers– in no particular order– who are fantastic in some way.

4. Drop by and let your ten new friends know you admire them.

  1. Okay, so first thing is to thank the person who nominated me for The Versatile Blogger. Emuhlee at Full of Nothing totally took my by surprise with this nomination! I may not always have the time to leave you comments, but I'm always following along with your blog and I think you are beautiful thank you so much! Stay strong hun <3
  2. Share seven things about myself....hmmm.... let's see what seven things I haven't already told you guys SOMEWHERE on here....
    1. Smiley faces make me happy. That's probably why I use them so much. Even if I'm talking to someone and I'm sad I always put a smiley face in, if not to fake my happiness, then to change my mood to happy :)
    2. I prefer rum over vodka. Talk about random, haha :)
    3. I lost my virginity in a car. Yes, a car. I know some people that aren't totally okay with that but to me the place doesn't matter and it's not like I was drunk or stoned, I made the decision 100%   sober.
    4. I can only drive a stick shift in reverse. I have no idea why. I'm just stall out like crazy going forward... someone teach me? Haha.
    5. Despite everything I've gone through/am going through, I am still a child at heart :) I love bubbles, coloring, hula hooping, jump roping (which I actually can't do), and limited responsibilities. I'm not a huge fan of the grown-up world most of the time.
    6. I'm working on my pilates certification... I actually have to teach a class in a few hours.
    7. I don't believe in karma. I think bad things happen to good people. I know this from my own experience and from seeing it happen to other people as well. I try to keep in mind that the only reason bad things happen to good people is because they are the one's strong enough to get through it and they are meant to help people going through similar situations in the future. It kind of keeps me motivated to keep pushing forward knowing that one day I will get through all of this and be able to help other people in the future. Other than that though, I hate planning things in the future because you never know what's going to happen... I would feel bad if I had to cancel for whatever reason.
  3. Oh God. This is a hard one. I love all my followers. All 78 of you. Oh my God, that's so many. You are all beautiful in your own way and I love you all dearly! Okay, have I stalled enough?? I'm putting very careful consideration into this...
    1. Unbeautiful at Thoughts of a Monster: Yes, I crossed out the "un" because I don't think it's true. I think you ARE beautiful and you are amazing in so manyy ways. You never fail to comment on my blog and be supportive. I wish I got around to commenting more on yours, but don't worry. I'm always following along. Hang in there hun <3
    2. An♥nym♥us at Within ED Another girl that never fails to comment and just show me that she understands and I'm not alone. I know you've gotten this award before, but you deserve it again!

    3. Lis at Forget to Remember Me: I love reading along with your blog, I love your photos, and I have to thank you for all the comments you've left me and for following along with my ramblings!! You're amazing <3
    4. EnglishRose at A Rose Amongst Thorns: You are beautiful! Stay strong hun <3 I'm still reading along even though I don't comment much. Just hang in there <3
    5. Silent Nightmare at Beauty from Pain (Inside EDNOS): This girl is always sending me *hugs* when I need them! You're beautiful hun! I know things are rough, just take care of yourself <3
    6. A Beautiful Disaster at The Color Grey: I love your blog, I'm always reading along. 
    7. Jessie at Screaming Silence: You are adorable! From your blog and comments I can tell that you have an amazingggg personality and you have so much to say!  Hang in there hun <3
    8. Jeweliet at Back to the Disaster: I'm recently following you so I don't have much to say except to stay strong! I hope you're doing okay <3
    9. F*ckedUpAppandix: Stay strong hun! I love you, I'm always reading along <3
    10. Small as a Panda at Perfect Imperfection: I love reading along, my apologies for not getting around to commenting as much as I should/want to. Hope you're well <3
Those are in no particular order, and remember I LOVE YOU ALL! I defiantly want to drop by and leave everyone more comments though because I am following along <3 Woo! I guess that's all!

Much love! 


Sunday, March 27, 2011

And so it begins....

Back at school. Headache all day. Already feel as though I've eaten too much. Spent quite a few hours at the gym too. 

I feel lonely, unloved, used, cheated, lied to, fat, ugly, gross, disgusting, worthless, ignored, forgotten, unrecognizable, unhappy, depressed, unwanted, stupid, pathetic, useless, overwhelmed.... I could keep going for days....

That's all.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

The only way to overcome fear, is to face it.

And that's what I tried. Major fail.

So the thing is... when I get around the hospital, that town in general, I start to hyperventilate, I get a knot in my stomach, I can't breathe, I take short, shallow breaths. I enter panic mode. Every. Single. Time.

I was driving today, and something in me just knew that I had to go back there. I had to get to that town, park my car, get out, and breathe. I could've taken a walk, or sat on a bench. But I just needed to go there and be able to breathe in that place. Weird I know. But something in me just knew this is something that I have to do.

So I drove there. I entered panic mode as per usual. Gripping the steering wheel, breathing heavily, holding back tears, trying to catch my breath, looking at nothing but the road ahead. I couldn't do it. Couldn't pull over, couldn't stop the car, couldn't even open a window.

I got in and I got out. It took me some time to calm down after leaving, as it always does. I know more than ever now that I need to do this. I need to do this to move on. I need to do this before I can ever even think of stepping up and seeking professional help.

God, what the fuck is wrong with me? Who the hell hyperventilates because of the area they are in?! It was such a simple task really. Go there, and breathe. And I failed. Go me.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Bored bored bored....

So first thing is based off a lot of comments I've been getting and I just want to clear something up. I do still dance. I am a dance major. But dancing at my college is nothing like the dance I used to do at my studio, there's no competitions, it's not as much dancing, it's not as intense dancing, it's not with my family that I had been dancing with since I was only 6 years old, it's not the same. I dance as much as humanly possible, I may not even graduate on time because I take so many dance technique classes and put off all of my "academic" classes. 

I can go on about that for days but that's not really why I was posting.

I don't really have any major reason actually. I got a new phone! So excited! I got the iPhone. My ringtone quacks! It's amazing!!! And of course the first thing I did was sync some music up to it and set up the ipod/nike app and download more apps for nutrition/fitness/calorie counters and ect. 

I absolutely suck at painting my nails. But I already knew that :)

And on a more serious note, being home is boring as all hell. I usually spend majority of my time with J. I broke down and apologized last night. Doesn't matter who started it or who was in the wrong, leave it long enough and I will always find a way to blame myself... even without her help of telling me what a shitty friend I am. Hell, I could find a way to blame world hunger or global warming on myself if you let me. So anyway, I figure, while I'm home, and still not 100% blaming myself for what happened, I  might as well step up and be the bigger person. Again. Her response was a little... not what I was expecting. My apologizing did get her to realize that she had overreacted and that "we both made some wrong decisions". So I guess that's good... but here's what got me... she said she will think things through, she just needs a little more time. 

Really? I just didn't respond. I'll give her her time. When she's ready I guess she'll text me or send me a message or whatever. But I'm only here for one week. One long... boring week. It's whatever I guess. I'm just tryin not to worry about it and let things play out but at the same time, when I'm home and bored, it kills me cause normally I would be on a late night beach trip with her or doing some crazy ass shit til god knows when in the morning. 

It's just whatever. I did get to skype with S for like two hours today though which is always great. We spend half our conversations trying to convince the other to come visit us. Haha. It's all good though. I will get to Italy before grad school... the summer before grad school I am defiantly going if I haven't been already. 

And if anyone watches Pretty Little Liars, I just finished the season finale, and OMG! So intense! Okay, I think that's all for now. Sorry my posts are always so long, especially lately. 

Oh! And I got an app for my iPhone that has inspirational quotes. I love it <3

Take care!!

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Good Morning!!

So I basically have insomnia most of the time. I have such a hard time falling asleep/staying asleep. I get like 2-4 hours a night, 6 if I'm lucky. Any more than 6 I feel like I've overslept and will be tired. But then... every couple of months there is one week where I go into what I call coma mode. That's where I currently am.

It does usually happen when I'm home which is perfect because I don't have to worry about missing classes and such. But I basically just sleep 24/7. I don't mind it so much, I know that I need to catch up.

So yesterday, I went to the Borders by me because they are going out of business. Everything is on sale so I got a bunch of stuff. I got two books on autism and working with kids living with autism, a pilates book with photos of Joseph Pilates himself, Whispers: The Voices of Paranoia (so so interesting so far), and a few calorie counter/protein counter pocket books. 

I'm such a dork sometimes, Whispers is actually pretty scientific and talks a lot about parts of the brain and chemicals in the brain... I swear if I was smarter I would take more neuropsychology classes. It's so interesting to me.

Which reminds me! I also got GED for Dummies so I can start studying and make sure I get into the graduate school I want since I really don't want to continue at the school I'm currently at even though they're holding a spot for me. So anyway I get it and show my dad I have it so I can start studying and everyone knows I need a lot of help with it so it's just funny that it's the one for dummies. What's even funnier? I need to study for the GRE... I'm already done with high school there's no reason to take the GEDs. And... since the store is going out of business, I can't return it. Oops! 

I'll go back today and pick up the right one... or tomorrow. I want to look at more book books, to like relax and read on my longish weekends and days off in the nice warm weather. I had an arm full of books after going through the health/medical and psychology sections that I didn't even want to be bothered with looking around the rest of the store.

I miss being home. It just reminds me of high school. I mean... I hated high school all except for dance. But just the small of the house and waking up walking down the stairs for my coffee... there are things from my past I want back, and I just feel so much closer to them here. I feel  more connected to them. I feel more in control. I don't think I ever knew I had such a problem with change until I went to college.

And most times when I'm home, I love it, but try to be out of the house as much as possible. Not so much this week. I don't mind being here. At night though I wish I had something to do. But it's fine. Maybe I'll make a fire in the backward one night. It's not like I ever went anywhere other than dance, dance competitions, or dance workshops when I was in highschool. I didn't hang out with any "friends". Occasionally on the weekends with J but that's about it. I spent a lot of time with my parents. I kind of had those people, and this is still the case, where we're friends in school but then I have no one to hang out with outside of class and stuff. It's whatever at this point. 

I wouldn't change the fact that I was always dancing in highschool for anything. Waking up at 4am to shower, do my hair and makeup, and drive to a competition an hour or so away. Oh my god. I loved the early morning ones! It would still be dark out, no one on the road. And then we wouldn't even leave until 11pm to come home. I miss competing. I really do. I miss rehearing for competition. I'm going to stop there. I miss dance and my dance studio... that's all. Everyone knows that already. 

And this post turned out longer than I expected. I'm going to have a few more sips of coffee, get a quick work out in, and jump in the shower. 

In the middle of putting in pictures... my 2 year old cousin's looking for me... gotta run! 

Friday, March 18, 2011

Just Because

So, I'm home.... as in with the parents. This is my "spring break". I'll be here for a week-10 days. I got a few free trial guest passes at the local gyms so I can go in and work out/take fitness classes for free. That's in addition to the equipment we have in the basement.

I'm finally going to take Zumba! Haha, I've always wanted to but could never fit it in my schedule. I'm going tomorrow morning 9:30-11. I'm actually going to sleep right after this post since I am extremely sleep deprived at the moment. 

I feel super white also, so I'm gonna need to get some cash for tanning. I could really go for a frosted bed tan. Even everything out, get some color on my face.

I'm going to make the best of being home despite the fact J once again hates me. I'm starting to feel like she's looking for reasons to start fights. But whatever, I'm not going to let it phase me. I don't need her or anyone else.

I think I'm going to keep this short since my last post was about a mile long. I'll try to keep updating throughout the week and then once I'm back at school and working! I'm excited but nervous for the fact I only have dance classes twice a week. That is just not acceptable for me. I'm gonna have to work something out and get some extra classes in somehow.

Well anyway, that's it for now. I hope you're all doing well :)

[[I tried to add photos but they won't let me, I'll get them to you tomorrow or sometime this week!]]

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Here it is...

Well... here it goes.

My whole life I've been told that I'm pretty. And my whole life I never believed anyone... I don't know why, I just didn't see it. And we're talking like preschool/kindergarten age here. I used to scratch my inner thighs, where I wished there was no fat... so that they would be a straight line when I sat down and not go out to the sides or whatever. So I guess thats's really when the whole self harm thing started.

Freshman year in high school is when I really started cutting... I did it on my hips. I also gained a lot of weight that year. I would run downstairs and sneak something to eat every time I was home alone. Sophomore year I transferred high schools and my eating went back to somewhat normal, I mean, I always had days I would skip meals even earlier on. By the middle/end of that year I started cutting down. It got to the point where I was having coffee for breakfast, a bottle of water for lunch, an apple after school, and dinner only on some days. By junior year I had transferred back to my old high school. I know Tuesday's my dinner was weight control oatmeal, Wednesdays was Special K cereal, and Thursdays was a lo-carb monster energy drink. Even before this I would go out with "friends" on weekends and I would say we were getting dinner, that money usually went to tanning.

When I was 17 year old (Senior in high school, it was still October, Columbus Day to be exact) is when I was diagnosed. Now, I had been sent to doctors before that and they had told me to gain weight but I kept loosing and at this point was 96 pounds (I took weight lifting and I think the only reason I really dropped below 100 was because of loosing muscle weight over the summer). I was happy with my body and didn't think I could even loose anymore. I never thought I would be that low. I'm only 5'2" so it really isn't all that bad. 

I should probably mention that the cutting stopped when I started to loose weight. And during junior year people would say things to the school nurse about me being anorexic and people where always concerned and asking my parents if I was okay. I still didn't eat breakfast, but I did start eating more at school. I went from a 100 calorie slim fast bar, to a reduced fat peanut butter sandwich and an apple. Still, having an entire bottle of water. I was still loosing, I stopped worried so so much about what I was eating. If I worked out a lot that day and hadn't eaten, I might make no-pudge brownies for the family that night... I really felt amazing. I was eating healthy... but... I dunno. 

I lost my period beginning of my junior year... well beginning/middle. My belief is that I only got it so early in life (age 12) because I was always a little on the heavier side and that if I haden't been I would've been one of those girls who gets it later on. Plus, I was very physically active. Not having my period wasn't a concern to me. I know my body. And my body just wasn't ready for it. But that was once of the main reasons for my parents concern. 

So back to Columbus Day, 2008. D-Day. I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa and put into the treatment program at the hospital. It was once every other Thursday. I met with a doctor, a nutritionist, and a "therapist". I really only saw the therapist once because she was leaving and I dunno it was a whole mess because why put my with her knowing she was leaving? Anyway, she made me draw a tree, a house, and a person. Each in black and white and in color. I can't draw. I'm famous for my stick figures, stick dogs, stick pigs, ect. But with the colors I felt weird making a blue or orange stick figure, so I put a colored dress on her... you know, the triangle dress but still a stick figure. Man, did I get shit for that. I just can't draw you stupid twat! Get over it!

The nutritionist, was an asshole. I hated her, still do. She was no help, didn't tell me what to expect, didn't tell me I would gain extra weight and then loose some and get back to my set point, didn't tell me my stomach might feel bloated in the process. All she told me was to eat more. And if I wasn't gaining weight, they were doing to take dance away from me. 

Let's get something straight. Dancing did not cause ANY of this. As you can see I had issues long before I began dancing. Dance is the ONLY reason I am alive right now. It's the ONLY thing that ever kept me from killing myself, and still is. 

So I felt trapped. I thought I was okay with gaining some weight, because I figured it would be mostly muscle, I figured that would kind of happen on it's own once I got back into weight lifting. Of course, I had health first semester, so that didn't happen. Anyway, I was miserable. I felt disgusting, I really started losing all my friends, I was always in fights with my mom. I would show up to dance every other Thursday in tears... full on tears. And no one said anything, they just let me dance it out, which is all I really needed. They knew shit was going on but they weren't going to ask. 

My 18th birthday was on a Thursday... one of the weeks I had to go to the hospital. My mom felt really bad and so she said I didn't have to go on my birthday. Thank God. And I never went back. Being 18, it was my decision. 

In February I got sick and was out of school/dance for a few days or a week. I don't remember. But when I was better, I realized I couldn't get into my jeans. They had been getting tight in the previous months, but where still wearable. I was so depressed. I wore sweats and hoodies and everything baggy. I felt huge and gross. I cried all the time. It was really bad. Looking back, I wasn't big. But I felt it. My stomach felt huge and I couldn't stand it.

That summer, I had my first trip to the gynecologist. They wanted me to get my period back. I knew my body wasn't ready for it. I knew I had gained plenty of weight for my period to come back and it would just take time. But no. I had to get it before I went away to college. I was given medroxyprogesterone. I read the side effects, not only do you get your period in 7 days (no joke, you get it 7 days on the dot) but weight gain is also a side affect. I threw the mother of all bitch fits. Crying, screaming, refused to go home, drove around for hours, went to the dance studio... it was bad.

So my senior year into my first year of college I guess I kind of got to a "set weight". I don't know what it was. Probably 107-110ish. I hated it. I wore cargo pants instead of jeans all the time. I haden't been close shopping (and still haven't). 

Now I'm in college. Okay. My first semester was hell. I basically didn't have a roommate, I had to dance at a studio 10 minutes off campus, I didn't make any friends let alone meet anyone, I was 4 hours from home, I was lonely. I think that's when the over-eating because of onliness really started. I mean, I know it did. I sucked at taking care of myself. Like really sucked. I think my weight stayed in around the same range though. Possibly a little more, I dunno. It fluctuated but not a huge deal. I know when they were making me gain in treatment senior year I would occasionally snack when I was upset. Anyway, that went to a whole new level. But I transferred after the first term. 

I loved my new school. Got to be a dance major. Started dating my first boyfriend (didn't last long). I was loving life. I was meeting people, a lot of people I hung out with were through my boyfriend... and then I had a few friends of my own. I really started restricting more when I got here, and exercising at least once a day, every morning. This is also when I started really having all of those insomnia issues. I still felt pretty gross. I was around 107ish.

By that spring I got so tired of feeling fat. I started with the diet pills. I didn't eat for about a week and was having slenderize fuze, maybe some fruit, and a bunch of diet pills. This all on top of the gym and dancing. I got down to 103. I knew what I was doing was bad for me. I knew it was wrong. But I felt so much better, so much happier.

My mom found some of my diet pills. She made me get rid of them and whatever... I was told if I ever drop too much weight I can't go back to school. It was fine. I got back to school... felt like I was gaining weight, didn't like the amount I was eating. I got more pills. I was probably back to 107-110... maybe even a few pounds higher. 

Well... that summer, my mom went through my trash can and tapped together a ripped up receipt. For diet pills. She brought me to Renfrew. They wanted me in their IOP program. I wanted nothing to do with it. And being 19, it was my decision. I should probably also mention that I weighed about 120 this summer. I found out at a trip to the gynecologist where she was proud of me for gaining weight. I was not. I almost punched her in the face. I believe my exact words to her when she asked me why I wasn't happy about all of this were "You just called me fat and I'm bleeding from my vagina! Of course I'm not happy!" I also had a cold that day. I was a wreak when I found out I was 120. I hadn't been that high in years. Everyone was telling me I looked great, I looked "healthy". I hate that. It's just a nice way to say fat.

So anyway, I turned down Renfrew... but my mom wanted something to be done and I ended up in therapy. It was that solution based therapy. Basically I am allowed to be 100 pounds, but any lower and I will get sent back to therapy or pulled out of school. I said I wanted my range to be 100-103. I would settle for 104 when , and only when on my period. Anyway, she said 100-103 was odd... so she made it 100-105. I was aloud to loose weight because she knew that was the only way I would be happy with my life. My mom came in and also agreed to this. 

Wow. I'm like, about to cry right now. So anyway. sophomore year my best friend was gone, he moved to another country. I lost touch with everyone else because we were no longer in a dorm together. I had roommate issues, was really sick all the time, my period began getting worse and worse every time I got it to the point that I would be throwing up because of it. I gained weight. A lot. Too much. It's nearing the end of my junior year. I still haven't lost it. I feel disgusting. I hate myself more than ever. The cutting started up again in college... moving to the wrists, by the way. It just gets worse every day.

And on top of it, this year, my best friend has been losing weight. She looks amazing. I feel like she's smaller than me now and it kills me. She's becoming more confident, I can tell. And here I am... popping pills, overexercising, and still eating because I'm lonely. I just don't know how to make it stop. I don't trust therapists because I was traumatized after treatment the first time and the second time (and third I went myself twice sophomore year at school) proved to be of no help. Therapy the summer before my sophomore year she changed my diagnosis to EDNOS. She also thinks I may have seasonal affect disorder. I try not to let anyone know how depressed I am. None of these people know about the cutting. My parents saw a cut on my arm this past summer and asked me. My mom wants me to get help still. But I just can't bring myself to do it. I want to crawl into a cave for three months with no food and just get back to a weight I'm happy at. Any weight I'm happy at. I haven't seen a scale in almost two years. I feel like I just get fatter every day. It's all I can ever think about. I'm so over this. All of it.

Ugh. Okay... well that's my story, more or less. This is starting to get really hard to talk about/think about any more so I'm gonna wrap it up. 

Chin Up

Whaddup 5:30am!!

I think that I can safely say I have insomnia at this point in my life. So I've decided I'm going to make more videos of just me talking. I think I might make one tomorrow, possibly with that whole "series of unfortunate events" that I keep putting off. But anyway, until then... I made this video a few hours ago. I was just watching old dance videos and yeah... I really do miss my dance studio. I miss everything about it. I miss dancing like that, I miss dancing that much. I miss it all. It was my home. I pretty much lived at the studio and that was who I was. 

I was the girl that was always at the dance studio. 
I assisted all of the children's classes. 
I was always there taking class. 
I did pilates downstairs 7 days a week. 
I was in charge of everything for competition. 
I was always in the office doing homework or stuff for the studio or stuff for competition. 

If anyone ever needed me, they knew exactly where to find me. Everyone knew me there... all of the kids loved me. And I loved them. 

But I'm not that girl anymore. 
I'm 21 years old and I'm in college. 
I'm a nothing now. 

Anyway... I made this video because dance is the reason I'm here, dance is the reason I can get myself to smile, dance is my everything... it's what keeps me going. It's why I'm still fighting. I really don't know if any of this is gonna make sense to any of you but... yeah... that's all I have to say for now.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

That's me...

It's the little things in life that really shape who we are and make us so special. For me, a lot of people will never see that side of me... they don't give me a chance to ever show them. And you know what? It's there loss. Really.

Here are some of the texts that I sent out yesterday to people who really know me....
-dropping out of school to be a rapper
-even with my headphones i'm very self conscious of the fact that my right sneaker always squeaks
-just circled a mailbox and proceeded to walk down the street cause i couldn't figure it out
-i think i'm the only person whose every experienced almost being flown into by a bird

If anything.... I defiantly can say that I'm one of a kind. I think I'm really ready to begin getting better. I'm  by putting an end to the cutting, for good. I haven't cut in about a week and a half or so... whenever that last post about it was. I made a video to the song Still Alive by Steve Means of me and J and it has video clips and pictures from our road trip and other random times. I really want to be able to take pictures again, and videos, and do stupid funny shit. I want to be me again and life my life. I'm tired of all this bullshit. I'm really gonna work on being happy... more than ever. I need to. 

I don't actually have much to say right now... but yeah... I've been making a lot of music mixes and videos... and videos to my own music mixes. All I'm doing today is going tanning, getting some gym time in, and then I have pilates for about 2 hours. So yeah... I'm gonna go start getting ready now and head out.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Random Blog Updates

I added new songs to the song list and started to put in some of my guide stuff that I'm working on. I'm also going to start working on that whole "series of unfortunate events" for those of you who have read my 'Who Am I?' page. I don't know when it will be up or how long it will take me to get it done but I think it's about time I get it all out. It's just so much information that it's almost overwhelming.

So after my last post... the whole week was kind of hell. This morning wasn't great either but I just showered and I'm going to try to turn that around. I'm still hangin' in there. It's tough... but I'm getting out of bed (most mornings) and I'm still here so I guess that's something to be proud of. Maybe I am stronger than I realize because even with all of this I'm still here? I dunno. 

But anyway, check out the new songs there are some really good ones... the video up top is one of them because the video is just amazing and yeah... then I also added another Natasha Bedingfield song (recover) and Jenni Schaffer's 'Life without ED'. There are some others to so just check it out. And the 'Guide to Happiness' page is up, not fully completed but that's all I have some more. Feel free to comment with suggestions or whatever else.


Monday, March 7, 2011


So I just fuckin destroyed my leg... like legit. It's burnin like a mother fucker and I got some serious welts. I mean, part of me is like... you deserve this, you're a piece of shit, you should suffer. And then there's this tiny part of me that's like... what the fuck have you become? What are you doing to yourself right now? What is wrong with you? 

My whole leg is actually throbbing right now it's that bad... and like... I have dance all day and have to teach pilates so yeah I'm gonna be feelin it... probably for more than just today actually. And part of me is just like... wants to cry. I wish I had someone who knew, someone who I could call, someone who would come over and just protect me from myself. I scare myself sometimes... I really do. 

I don't even know what happened. I was about to take a shower... and then I got my razors out... and I think I only intended to make one little cut... just something... and then... I really don't know. My leg is just such a mess right now. I don't know why I'm like this... I don't know why I can't cry. I really really just want to cry right now and its just not happening. And I want to scream. And I want to break things. I'm just so pissed off... at myself mostly. At what I'm doing to myself. What I've become.

This isn't who I want to be. This isn't how I want people to know me. Seriously, this just brings up the point again of who is ever going to love me. I'm completely fuckin insane. Something is wrong with me.