So I just fuckin destroyed my leg... like legit. It's burnin like a mother fucker and I got some serious welts. I mean, part of me is like... you deserve this, you're a piece of shit, you should suffer. And then there's this tiny part of me that's like... what the fuck have you become? What are you doing to yourself right now? What is wrong with you?
My whole leg is actually throbbing right now it's that bad... and like... I have dance all day and have to teach pilates so yeah I'm gonna be feelin it... probably for more than just today actually. And part of me is just like... wants to cry. I wish I had someone who knew, someone who I could call, someone who would come over and just protect me from myself. I scare myself sometimes... I really do.
I don't even know what happened. I was about to take a shower... and then I got my razors out... and I think I only intended to make one little cut... just something... and then... I really don't know. My leg is just such a mess right now. I don't know why I'm like this... I don't know why I can't cry. I really really just want to cry right now and its just not happening. And I want to scream. And I want to break things. I'm just so pissed off... at myself mostly. At what I'm doing to myself. What I've become.
This isn't who I want to be. This isn't how I want people to know me. Seriously, this just brings up the point again of who is ever going to love me. I'm completely fuckin insane. Something is wrong with me.
I've been laying in bed for hours. I hate this. All I want to do right now is go into hibernation. I want to sleep... I want to be in bed, but my head hurts and I'm wide awake.
I laid in bed for a few hours before my dance finals tonight, took me about 45 minutes just to get to a sitting position and out of bed. I really just wanted to stay there. As soon as finals were done I got right back in bed... but I can't for the life of me fall asleep! I spray lavender vanilla pillow mist from Bath and Body Works on my pillow every night and it really does help me.... most of the time. I just want to sleep so I don't have to think or feel or anything.
Now I'm sitting on my futon watching The Nanny. I don't know what to do with myself. Blah blah blah.
I'm so tired of pretending that everything is okay... these last two weeks have been hell. Seriously things are NOT okay. I'm not perfect. And I don't want to be... but I'm done pretending my life is great when really it's not. I'm done faking for the sake of other people.
I'm sorry I can't fix all of you. I really am. But I don't know how you expect me to fix you when I can't even help myself.
I'm tired of being alone, being sad, angry. I'm tired of hate. I'm tired of it all. I just want things to get better. I want everything to be the way it was... when I was happy.
I want to be happy.
Is that really too much to ask?
So I had to get up to get my car inspected today. I had just enough time to chug my coffee and throw on a bra and some eyeliner. Then on the way back (right around the corner from my house) I dodged yet another speeding ticket. To tell the truth between my allergies making me nauseous and the fact that I'm on my period right now, I thought I was gonna throw up.
So anyway, I get home, went to the bathroom, and felt much better. So I decided to have a bowl of cereal for breakfast. I make my cereal and I'm on my way up to my room when what happens? I trip over a fucking stick! See, there have been all these robberies in the neighborhood and my mom's totally paranoid about someone breaking into our house so there are sticks in all the doors... this one runs from the bottom of the door to the bottom of the stairs so it can't be kicked in. Well, I tripped over it and there was milk and cereal ALL over the stairs. So I throw my phone angrily at the floor, the stick across the room and stomp into the kitchen for a wad of dripping wet paper towels to clean the wood stairs with.
When I'm done cleaning most of the mess I take my bowl of cereal and throw it in the sink. I just didn't want it anymore. Of course then my mothers asks, 'You're not going to eat your cereal?' No. I don't know why this made me so angry to the point were I now refuse to eat the damn cereal. It's like it's the cereals fault for making such a mess. I think I was also a little angry to discover when my mom picked up milk for me knowing I would be home she got 1% instead of fat free. I feel as though she did this somewhat on purpose because I still think the whole world is trying to make me fatter. And now, I am almost on the verge of tears. All over a stupid bowl of fucking cereal.
Fuck.
