Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Still Don't See It

One thing I forgot to mention yesterday is that my shirt also said GORGEOUS on it, haha. So anyway, I did it again today- it was slightly less successful. More jiggly bits. Ughh.

But I was told I lost weight again. I really hate this girl but she actually said I looked really skinny. I mean, I know I don't. But obviously she would say something- all she notices are peoples bodies. I hate that. The other girl that told me had said something because she kinda sorta knows about my ED and the first person to tell me was my mom.

I'm proposing that piece I half talked about for our concert tomorrow. I haven't really talked with the director of the program about much of anything since I've been back so I guess we'll see if she has anything to say.

I'm really, really hoping this piece gets into the concert!! I'll find out Saturday night though.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Monday Monday

You are all so sweet! Thank you <3 I'm sorry my posts have been so negative... but I am going to partially blame that on my period (which I got the morning after the last time I cut). Funny thing... I normally end up cutting around my period. And of course get more emotional which usually means depressed.

But I had a pretty good day today (so far). I faced a fear by wearing short sleeves to dance. I always were long, not because of scars, but because of jiggly fat... but I just looked away or closed my eyes when I danced. 

I'm working on things. I do still want to loose some more weight and gain my confidence... but I am also working really hard on doing it in a healthy way and not restricting too much, or at all, but, you know...

Anyway... that's all! Just thought I would give you guys a bit of a less negative post today :)
The suicidal feeling kind of passed... or isn't as strong right now. I think until I am really confident again and enjoying life I will struggle with those thoughts. As long as I'm not acting on them though, I think we're okay.


Saturday, September 24, 2011


I'm so torn between wanting to recover and wanting to die.

On one hand- I hate feeling so sick all the time, I hate fighting myself, I that the simplest things in life are the hardest for me...

But on the other hand- I'm thinking if I could just starve myself so I was thin again, not to death, but just very thin, and with a really weak heart... then I could just down a bottle of pills be done with it. Like, I just want to be sick enough than any suicide attempt would be sure to be successful.

I would do something I really enjoy... have the best night of my life... and then- POOF! I'm gone.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Okay then....

Thank you all so much for your comments- they really mean a lot to me. You guys are seriously amazing.

So anyway... I'm going to my grandparents tomorrow with my mom. I need to find times to go tanning- for real, this is getting a bit ridiculous. I'll definitely go Tuesday but I should get some time in on weekends too.

My collarbones are starting to really feel and I guess look prominent. My mom said something last week about me loosing weight over the summer. I can kind of see how my jeans are baggy now. Someone also told me I lost weight when I got back to school, she noticed the baggy jeans first... but they haven't been washed in a while! 

I dunno. I don't see it yet... not at all... but I hope I keep loosing.  

Thursday, September 22, 2011

33 Weeks

So... Monday night I was feeling SO ready to tackle my ED recovery workbooks and really get back into it. I was looking through all of my things and super excited to start back on track with the workbook section in the end of Regain Yourself... but then Tuesday night happened.

I'm still not 100% sure what that was about but whatever. I talked to my pilates instructor and have set up my privates with her and will be going to the Monday morning 7-9am class (except this year I won't be in the teaching rotation!!) She said if I can commit to it and go regularly, which will be no biggie for me, then she will can have a specific task for me. But in any case I will be able to sort of coach the group going through the process now.

So something else that happened this week you guys might like to know... I had scheduled therapy for Wednesday afternoon. And after Tuesday night... I was really needing it. But I got an e-mail and voicemail from the office around noon (maybe earlier but I got it at noon) saying that my therapist was out sick and we would have to reschedule.

Now of course, that put a bit of a damper on things. And, of course, I still haven't rescheduled. I don't know if I can do it again. That is honestly the hard part and the problem with the counseling center at school is I don't think they give enough credit to the students who are willing to take that risk or face that fear or whatever (it's both for me). So... I'm not sure about that yet. We'll see. 

Anyway... I'm home now. For the weekend. 

I have no friends here.
I have no friends at school.

I fucking hate this.

But I will try to relax this weekend. I have 33 weeks until graduation (not including breaks for holidays and the week between terms). Driving home all I could think was, "I don't think I can last 33 more weeks of this". I broke down before the end of day 2 and have been a bit out of sorts ever since. 33 weeks is a long time when every day seems to last forever. It's a long time when you have no one to talk to, no one to hang out with, no one who ever calls or texts you. 33 weeks is a long time when you're stuck alone with your thoughts and behaviors. 33 weeks is forever in a place you hate.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011


I have never been more ashamed of cutting than I am right now. I can't believe myself. It had been one month... and now FAT will forever be in my leg. I'll see what I can do with Neosporin and scar therapy gels but I see it every time I look down. And I'm not sore at all from dancing but I can feel the cuts which may affect my dancing today... I'll try not to let it.

I have therapy today... I haven't told him about cutting in the past. And I don't know if I'm ready to because it's the first time I'm going back. I don't know if I ever will- it's not something I can admit out loud really. I did make myself have a muffin for breakfast this morning which I wasn't planning on doing. 

I had a very hard time sleeping last night... it was too hot then too cold then too hot. I dunno. But I woke up to birds instead of my alarm... that's cool I guess.

I don't want to say I regret cutting last night because I try to live my life with no regrets and I don't want to be that person that regrets everything in life- but I do. I regret it. I wish I hadn't done it. I'm so unbelievably disappointed in myself right now.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

I shouldn't be posting this...

I don't even know where to start- I don't want to go into details right now. I don't want to bring them back up. Maybe tomorrow I'll tell you the reasons why.

But I wasn't really eating so I made myself have a little something.... then I attempted to purge.... as always, I failed. Feeling like a failure I them proceeded to carve the word FAT into my leg. I shouldn't say carve, really. It wasn't that deep at all. But regardless, it wouldn't stop bleeding... after about 5 minutes though I got tired of seeing my grotesque leg and threw on a pair of sweats. There is blood on my shirt, through my sweats, and I think some on the sink....

I'm such a fucking failure. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me... I thought things were going so well.

I guess not.

Maybe I'll just be like this forever.


So I haven't gotten to dance as much in the last few weeks because there has been no class- but that hasn't stopped me from going in and dancing on my own or sitting in a straddle on the floor while I was doing something else.

I just find it funny that most of these girls have been on campus and taking class all summer yet they are all super sore today. Yes, I am a little sore in some of my tighter areas... but nothing limiting... and I was at all of my dance classes at least 30 minutes early to stretch.

This is one of the reasons I want to leave this program for grad school. The girls here don't believe in dance like I do. They don't believe in the power it has like I do. They don't have the love or passion for it that I do.

It's ridiculous.

Monday, September 19, 2011

First Day of School

I think things went well.

Mondays I have dance from 9am-noon and 430pm-730pm. A few of my teachers kind of know why I was gone and that I have been trying to get my life back on track and figure a lot out. They are so supportive. I'm so not used to having so many supportive people in my life... I feel almost like it's a bit overwhelming.

My first class, we talked about how even negative self talk to ourselves is not aloud because it's not respectful and how we should totally love who we are.
My second class, we talked about learning to accept where you are and not be ashamed of that... we also talked about how no matter how amazing you are at something- you could always be better.
My last two (same teacher) we talked about accepting where we are today in our bodies and being with that so we can improve in a healthy way.

The first and last teacher I think may have somewhat directed what they were talking about at me...

I also saw the program director for a little this morning... I'll see here again tomorrow at some point during the day and then when we have our dance major meeting and ensemble meeting at night.

It was a very positive day. Overall, it went well. I'm just taking it one day at a time.

Sunday, September 18, 2011


So I'm back at school. My parents just left. I'm feeling... okay... I really do hate that the only overhead light is in the kitchen, it is SO dark in here. I mean I have lamps and things but I like it to be really, really bright!! Maybe I'll buy more lamps :)

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Back to School...

Feeling a little sad right now... not happy with my body, but I think I've lost. I haven't been tanning in forever. I'm white as fuck and have huge bags under my eyes.

I'm moving back to my apartment tomorrow... classes start Monday. I think I'm a bit nervous... being on my own and all. I dunno...

But I'm on my way to bed. I feel like I've been really negative lately... and I do think a huge part of it has to do with 9/11. My fear of people leaving me. Being home alone on 9/11 the first time it hit my that I almost lost my dad... thinking of all the other times I came so close to loosing him... not having J, the one person I ever hung out with when I was home around. Being alone... alone with the feeling of how close I came to loosing someone... I think I need to accept that that's a lot... 

I'm nervous about starting individual therapy... I dunno if it's gonna help. I dunno what it's gonna do that's gonna help... 

I love autumn... it's my favorite season... but I love it even more when I'm in a body I like and wearing cute clothes. It's not as much fun this way... I just feel so tired all the time. 

I'm sorry I haven't been very positive... I'm working on it. There's just so much going through my head all the time.

And I really wish I had someone to cuddle with tonight... I hate sleeping alone... and sometimes Teddy just isn't enough. I like to be wrapped up in the other persons arms...

Anyway... goodnight lovelies <3
I will try to get back to reading everyone's blog when I'm back at school... sorry I've been so terrible about that. I love you all though.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

My New Schedule

And crossing my fingers they don't try to fuck with anything I have planned for winter and spring term because if they do, I'm SHIT OUTTA LUCK! 

Wednesday, September 14, 2011


I am so seriously beyond fucking stressed right now. I hate my school... with a passion. Crossing my fingers I can fucking graduate on time after spending hours doing scheduling because ANOTHER class was cancelled... we start in less than a week! Way to tell me... everything is full. Fuck my life. I hate them. I hate this. I can't wait to be out of that shit hole. 

And on top of it  fucking forgot to do my work for tomorrow... so much for laundry, sleep, and shower. I guess I'll just wear old clothes smell and be non functional on my last day of work.



I'm fat and starving. I don't understand!! Why the FUCK am I so hungry right now? And my chest hurts... meh...

Welcome to my life.

Monday, September 12, 2011


Ais- you are NOT a shit friend <3 I love you!!

So... I'm not going to say much right now... I'll just say that yesterday was hard. For all of my ABers, you may or may not have read my thread (I marked it as triggering so don't read it just to read it).

It was just the first time I was feeling how 9/11 affected me emotionally I guess.

I had another attempted purge, which hasn't happened in a long time... but again, it was attempted. I end up doing nothing more than gagging myself and spitting a lot... which then makes me feel like a failure because I can't even purge right.

I was very lonely last night which was not helping the situation... I needed to get out but there was no one I could go out with... and for once it wasn't because of food (well, I guess it never really is... kind of... but I knew what the real issue was)... and I had no one to be there for me. As usual. I guess this is why I've turned to the coping mechanisms I use. They prefer isolation. I'm just allowing myself to fit into the little niche this world has made for me.

And I don't feel like I'm isolating myself at this point. I really feel like the world is isolating me...

It's fine though.


So I'm laying on my stomach on my bed right now, and it's really bothering my ribs... fuck...

Sunday, September 11, 2011


I feel physical sensations... but I don't feel emotions... and when I do- they aren't whole, they mask themselves as something else (like anger), I have no way of expressing them, I can not process them, I never ride them out.

But when I'm bloated, when I'm cramped up, when my chest hurts, when I'm starving and empty, when I hit myself, when I pull my hair, when I put the cold blade to my skin, when I pinch myself... those things I feel.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Friends... pshhh...

I see all these girls laughing and smiling and having fun with their friends.... it's all over the place. Facebook, tumblr, around town, at school, on TV, EVERYWHERE.

I don't have that. I can't have that.

Here are my friends:

T- goes to school in another state, always working, currently phone-less
K- we go long periods without seeing each other and then catch up when we can
G- have classes with her at school, but never really hung out with her outside of class
T (ex)- we talk occasionally, see each other even less, usually i'm the one initiating the conversation...


It's not just that I feel lonely... I AM lonely... I have NO ONE. I fucking hate this. I hate it so much.

Thursday, September 8, 2011


I'm on my new computer. I'm also throwing a bitch fit. I fucking hate iTunes. FUCK! Stop autocorrecting me!! Ugh! I hate this right now... my music is THE MOST important thing on my laptop and of course iTunes is retarded and I can't get it over and then I loose my playlists and then I'm missing songs and then I have extra songs that have long been deleted and then I have to go through and uncheck all of the shit that doesn't fit on my iPod cause I have so damn much and then I have to go through and rename like 85% of the files and it just stresses me out to no end!

So I have zero music on here- we tried to do the thing where you consolidate your library (which hopefully gets all my music... I mean I have stuff that is friends' music that they sent to me via email and I just downloaded it and mixes that I've made). But anyway, there isn't enough space on my old laptop to even do that because it has to copy all of your music files and my music takes up most of the space to begin with.

And it's way to fucking cold in this house. I swear, I'm wrapped in a blanket and even the blanket is cold. I'm shivering so much it fucking hurts. 

Ugh, so last thing about the computer... who has a mac? Why can't I hold down a key and type the letter like 500 times? I don't want a fucking spanish "A", I want to be fucking obnoxious! How do I change that?

Okay... so I am now wrapped in a blanket in the garage with the door wide open because it is way to fucking cold. My dad knows it to but no one can touch the thermostat. God forbid.

Oh... and the best part of all of this- I had a really good day today... I had some major breakthroughs in how I'm thinking and viewing the world and people and I'm going to choreograph a dance with this amazing concept which I wanted to tell you guys about... but I just can't do that right now. I can't get into that space, I am in the total opposite side of thinking right now. I really wish I had gotten some of that into words while it was still fresh.

So yesterday I had like 500 calories, if that.
Today I had my usual breakfast, a fiber one bar, some grapes, turkey chili, and a marshmallow... not in that order really though... but whatever.

Today is 16 days no cutting... we'll see if I calm down some before I head upstairs... I think i already have... i was pulling my hair out a little earlier (like, literally, I pull my hair).

I'll try to spend the morning getting back into that juicy, yummy, creative place I was in this morning tomorrow morning BEFORE I start diving into all this computer nonsense. It's not like I have anything else to do or like I have any friends at all.

Oh... but I do have to bring my car in to the shop in the morning. Fuck.
I'll see what I can do... 

This is really long, I'm sorry... I'm just venting about everything and nothing, as usual. I just want my fucking music and I'll be happy. I think...

Well... I guess I'm off now to do other nonsense things... or maybe sleep? Ehh... whatever.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011


Haha, oh my god, so I finally started. It's not finished yet though...

It's going to also say "LOVE YOURSELF" and I don't know if there will be anything else or not... we'll have to see how it looks.

I kind of suck at painting... like, really bad. But I'm not going to judge it... especially when it isn't a finished products.
I like, don't want my parents to see it. I don't know if they know the NEDA symbol or not but either way once it says "LOVE YOURSELF" I don't... yeah... I just don't want them seeing it.

Monday, September 5, 2011

I think...

I have a lot more social anxiety than I realized...

I took an online test also... well multiple... and they all say it's not a diagnosis (obviously) but that it's highly likely I do have some sort of social anxiety disorder...

Things that I do...

  • hold my breathe when close to another person so they won't feel me breathe on them
  • avoid situations with more than one person who is not already a close friend of mine
  • I have an extreme lack of any sort of social life
  • constantly answer with "I don't know" because I don't want to be judged...
  • pinch myself in public situations just so I have something else to focus on
  • I'm always early places but I will drive around or take the long way so it looks like I'm not too early
  • if I ever end up saying/doing something awkward, I can spend days thinking about it wishing I could undo it
  • I hate having to call people I don't know on the phone
  • I'm constantly spraying myself with body spray because I think I smell bad and I don't want other people to smell me... 
  • I never know what to say
  • when I do know what to say I can't get it out so I end up not saying anything
  • I hate being the one to start a conversation all the time
  • when I'm out and I see someone I know (like at a store or something) I tend to run the other direction/hide behind something
  • I can't really eat in public (may be more ED related...)
  • I can't make friends...
There are more... I dunno... maybe I'm just over-reacting. I don't want to look too much into it cause I don't want to start diagnosing myself with shit. I'll talk to my therapist about it when I start back up in a few weeks.

This might sound dumb but can you like... develop social anxiety disorder? Like, I feel like I didn't have so many of these problems until high school/college... I had friends until I lost them in high school... Ugh... I dunno.

Here's how you know you have a distorted body image...

I looked in the mirror at my stomach and though "maybe I did loose weight".

Went to look again... the next 3 times I did I looked so much bigger than the first time and no matter what I did there wasn't the room to suck in anymore and see what I thought I saw the first time.

Well... 3 beats 1.
I'm fat.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

I really fucking hate my life...

Like- today had the potential to be a good day... but because I have no friends I ended up sitting at home all day with absolutly nothing to do... just wasting the hours away, as I have so many times before. And now I'm like, about to fucking cry cause I'm all depressed and hate everything.

And it's times like these when I really start tearing my body apart...
- my eyebrows suck
- I'm not tan enough
- my stomach isn't flat enough
- my hips are too wide
- there too much everything on my legs
- my skin isn't clear enough
- my eyes are retarded
- my hairs a fucking mess
- my nails are uneven
- my arms jiggle
- that damn freckle on my hand
-my jawline isn't defined enough
- i have an ass... and way too much of it

The list goes on and on...

I just unfriended J on facebook again. I'm sick and tired of this fucking BULLSHIT. Like, you have NO IDEA how pissed off I am right now... and maybe I'm not... maybe I'm just upset... but when I'm upset I get pissed cause that's just easier. Whatever. She's like the one person I talk to everyday. She's the one person I hang out with when I'm home.

But then she goes and pulls this shit. Yeah- not okay...

In case you didn't see, this is our last conversation...

Me: You know, if you have a problem with me for some reason... I'd really love to know.J: No I don't have anything against you, last convo we had ended on good terms. I just have a lot of personal stuff going on and I know you do as well so I thought it would be best if we gave each other some space.
Me: Well I don't need space, I need friends.
J: It's good that you're reaching out but I do know you have other people to talk to and I think I may need some space. I don't think we would be getting along all that well right now with our own issues going on.
Me: It's not about having someone to talk to, I don't need someone to talk to. It's about having someone who's there. But if you can't do that then fine.
J: I'm sorry I don't think I can detach like that. I don't wanna bother you with my stuff and I always have all-or-nothing thinking. I feel guilty every time I reach out to someone, esp. you cause I know you have stuff going on. Hence the space.

Okay? Cool. Well, I'm done now.

Friday, September 2, 2011

I miss you.

And not just like... you... but being with you, talking every day, hanging out after class every night, cuddling in your bed, watching movies together, holding hands, kissing in the snow, talking to you, everything...

I know it doesn't make, like, any sense... and I know that you probably don't feel the same way... but I really wish we could try again. I want to try now that I'm less likely to mess it all up. 

You weren't an asshole to me... ever. I just told myself that you were because I was afraid to let you in, afraid to let someone get close... but you've showed me that I don't have to be afraid. I still am- but I'm willing to try. I'm willing to open up and not fight with you. 

I just want to see you... I just need one of your super long I'm-not-ready-to-let-go-yet hugs.

I just want to lay with you and look up at the clouds... look at the stars... talk about everything and nothing...

I want to try.


Oh my fucking god!!

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Just more proof...

I'm bored out of my fucking mind.