I'm so torn between wanting to recover and wanting to die.
On one hand- I hate feeling so sick all the time, I hate fighting myself, I that the simplest things in life are the hardest for me...
But on the other hand- I'm thinking if I could just starve myself so I was thin again, not to death, but just very thin, and with a really weak heart... then I could just down a bottle of pills be done with it. Like, I just want to be sick enough than any suicide attempt would be sure to be successful.
I would do something I really enjoy... have the best night of my life... and then- POOF! I'm gone.