Dear Eating Disorder,

You've stolen so much from me... I know you're not around as much right now... but the effects are still here.


I've been fighting you so long I basically have no friends. I have no one to call, no one to hang out with, no one to talk to- my social life has gone down the drain.


I still hate my body. I know I'm taking steps toward taking better care of myself, but you've told me so many lies about everything that's wrong with me I'm finding it hard to see past all that.


My hair may look decent from far away... but it's so unhealthy. No one see's it falling out in the shower but me... I'm the one that sweeps the floor after I blow dry it, I'm the one to clean up the mess before anyone else can see it.


I can't stand up without everything going all fuzzy... and if I'm left standing too long, I fall over... who does that?!? What have you done to my body?


I still see and feel all the fat you told me was there... I can't even go shopping for new clothes because I know you'll cause me to have a breakdown.


I'm still here though... and I'm still fighting you.
I know I can be better than this.

Askdjskhf!!

I ate too much today... I barely took any diet pills... I skipped my last two dance classes... oh my god I fucking hate myself right now... I'm gonna take some ex-lax now. I hate this. I fucking hate it... and I've been trying SO hard not to cut. Tomorrow will be a week (if I can make it through the whole day). Honestly though... I doubt I'll make it though tonight... maybe... but tomorrow? Doubtful.


I might skip dance tomorrow night too... I need to smoke. SO badly. Gahhh... fuck this. 


I have SO much work to do... and still haven't done any of it... most of it's already late. Fuck... 

And my face is breaking out SO bad... I hate that. I hate breaking out. I hate my face.


I'm so over this.

I'm so fucked up...

It's one thing to have suicidal thoughts...
It's another to be taking those seriously and have a plan...
But you reach a whole new level when you start writing your suicide note in your head....


Don't worry... I'm feeling a bit better than earlier... and I'm about to go to bed, so nothing's going to happen... not that it could have anyway... I don't have all the things I need...


It just scares me that I think like this... I mean... I've been frozen on the bathroom floor surrounded by blood, razors, and pills... I mean... I've never really overdosed... I've taken enough to feel like shit the entire next day... but that's about it. I've never cut deep enough to need stitches... in fact, majority of my scars are pretty faded... I have a few that I know will never fade... and I have some that have faded a little... but being that I know they once formed the bright letters of "F-A-T"... it's still visible to me...


When I'm in that kind of situation... I don't think... about anything...


When I have suicidal thoughts... I tend to plan it out... think of how I would do it... maybe wonder how long before anyone thought to check my apartment... how many days it would take for someone to notice...


But this time I was thinking more of my family and the people I would hurt (hence the note)... I honestly think that knowing my actions could hurt people has been what's pretty much kept me just at having these thoughts and never really getting much further.


If I kill myself... people might be mad at me. If I starve myself to death, it's the eating disorder that kills me. I'm sure people would still be hurt... but it would be different because the blame would be on the eating disorder- not me. 


I just... I feel like by starting to write a suicide note I'm trying to ease their pain... I feel like subconsciously I want to have that letter so if I'm ever in that place again where I'm just not thinking... that I'm covered.


I seriously don't know what the hell is wrong with me.


And to make things even worse... all of this... and not a tear. Not one. How heartless can a person be to be thinking all of these things and thinking of their own death in this much detail and yet not shed a single tear??


I'm just seriously fucked up.

I don't get it...

I just want to be skinny...
I want to be pretty...
I want to be a natural beauty and not have to worry about ever wearing makeup...
I just want someone to love me...


I'm sorry. I know that's too much to ask...


It's just... all these things make me want to scream and cry, they make me starve myself, they make me cut myself, they make me bleed... 


And then I just hate myself more.
And then there are just more reasons no one would ever want me...


I've already fucked myself up too much for anyone to ever want me...
It's too late.

Ha.

Cut yesterday...


Went to therapy...


Those aren't related at all... but anyway, my therapist told me he wants me to see a doctor before our next session to get a few things checked out in regards to the diet pills.


I finally agreed to it just to get him to stop talking about it.


I'm not going.


I guess I'm done with therapy.