Sunday, April 29, 2012

Coffee and Grapefruit

So this week... I'm going to be doing this... I KNOW it's not the best thing to do... but I just feel super gross.

So I'm going to have my little bit of the coffee in the morning... and then fast through the day... and then have half a grapefruit for dinner when I get back from classes.

My schedule for the following week is this:

Modern 1030-1150
Pilates Workout 12-1
Bio 1-150
Gym 2-245
Jazz 3-420
Kinesiology 430-720
Then I have to go over what we've been doing in rehearsal with girl who have been missing... not sure how long that will take... probably until about 8pm or so.

Pilates Seminar 830-1030
Modern 11-1220
Gym 1230-145
English 2-320
Jazz 330-450
Go over stuff with jazz teacher until about 5
Pilates Workout 5-6
Gym 6-645
Videotapings 7-10

Ballet 1030-1150
Pilates Workout 12-1
Bio 1-150
Gym 2-245
Jazz 3-420
Gym 430-530
Ballet 6-720

Pilates Seminar 830-1030
Modern 11-1220
Gym 1230-145
English 2-320
Jazz 330-450
Dance Ensemble 530-650

Pilates Workout 1015-1115
Teaching Mixed Equipment Class 1130-1230
Bio 1-150
Dance Comp II 2-450
Pilates Lab 5-7
Gym 7-8

Yeah... so umm... that's my week... more or less... things may be altered a bit as needed... I need to have a meeting about my piece in the show with the director which I want to make for Wednesday so that might cut my gym time short to even take it out before ballet at 6... we'll see.

Coffee every morning.
Half a grapefruit every night.

And I need to be more on top of vitamin E... 3 times a day... I need to... these scars are SO bad and my parents are coming on Saturday to look at apartments.

I'll have coffee in the morning on Saturday, do my pilates workout... teach a private... then at 11 I have to go start looking at apartments... not sure how long that's gonna take... I think I'll be able to get away without eating lunch... I'll tell them I got hungry while I was teaching G and ate a fiber one bar or something...

I dunno if they're staying for dinner... they might or might not. I don't think they're staying the night though... hotels are super expensive for some reason... but maybe they'll leave before dinner.

Then Sunday I need to teach a private then I'll do my workout after, then go to the gym, then I have 2 hours of rehearsal.

Okay... this is totally do-able.

I should be happier with my body in about a week or so... I just feel like the last 2 weeks have been nothing but bingeing and cutting.

Okay... sorry... long post... I'm done now.

My Outpatient Experience

Okay... so someone asked me on my tumblr why my experience in outpatient was so bad and of course I write out this long, intense, emotional response and tumblr eats it!! 

So I'm going to respond here and then I'll also post this on my tumblr.

Yes, them trying to take dance away from me was a part of it... but it was SO much more than just that. And also, I wasn't the only one who had issues with this program. The therapist I saw when I was 19 said she had a number of girls coming in and saying the same things about the program and who had had very bad experiences there.

  • They didn't emotionally prepare me to gain weight. I didn't see the therapist regularly and when I did see her she overanalyzed everything and basically put words in my mouth. Then she was apparently leaving (which they knew before I even got there) so I was going to have to switch to someone else and basically start all over... not that we really accomplished anything anyway.
  • The nutritionist was just plain RUDE. I went in really trying to work with the team, I agreed to gain weight. I was underweight, yes... but not to the point where I needed any kind of tube or anything... they were way too focused on me gaining weight and not at all focused on me as a person or how I was feeling. They wanted me to gain too much too fast, and like I said... I wasn't emotionally ready NOR was I told what to expect physically when gaining weight and recovering from anorexia. I was eating pretty much 24/7 and they wanted me to eat even more. It was hard for me because I just didn't even know what to eat at that point... I'm super picky to begin with (not at all ED related) but no one believed me. Nothing I ever did was good enough for them. My mom tried to help me out and give me suggestions I felt m ore okay with but the nutritionist told her not to go about it the way she was... which in all honesty, I would have been able to eat more if she hadn't told my mom to shut up. My mom had the right idea about how to get me to eat more and feel more okay with it.
  • I wasn't treated like a person at all. She treated me like I was an idiot and didn't know anything. They took my voice away. I went in and I was underweight, I didn't know why... I had been trying to maintain my weight and eating more... but I was still loosing, I didn't know what was going on, I was scared. Nothing felt real... and when I did try to talk to them about something... they didn't give a shit. I AM a picky eater- but they didn't believe me. Then- they tried to tell me I couldn't dance... dance was and IS the only reason I'm alive right now... and they wanted to take that from me. I got back to a healthy weight and of course you don't IMMEDIATELY get  your period back... but they wanted me to keep gaining...  knew my body just wasn't ready for my period yet... but they pretty much just wanted me to keep gaining until it came back.
The bottom line is still that they took my voice away and I was literally traumatized from the situation. It's why I have such a hard time going to see a therapist now and that was what... 5 years ago? I can't even begin to explain to you what it feels like to be in that kind of a situation and so vulnerable and so afraid and suddenly have no voice. Everything I said was invalidated. It made me feel stupid, worthless, unimportant. Is that really how you want to make someone feel when you're supposed to be helping them recover from anorexia?

Since then, I haven't been able to speak up like I used to. I used to say what was on my mind all the time without a second thought. But now, it's almost as if I have a minor case of social anxiety... I'm always afraid to say something... what if I say the wrong thing? What if no one cares? No one will care. I should just keep it to myself. Nothing I say means anything anyway. 

That's how I think now- because of that program. And I'm just now (again- 5 years later) beginning to open up to people. And I am SO lucky that I have such supportive people in my life who really do care and value what I say and who respect me as a human and who respect my feelings. When my opinions are invalidated- I feel invalidated. I feel worthless. 

Nothing I said mattered, my opinions where unimportant, my feelings where irrelevant, my ideas and efforts weren't good enough, apparently everything I knew about my body or bodies in general was wrong... therefore- I didn't matter, I wasn't important, I was irrelevant, I wasn't good enough, I was stupid, I was nothing.  

I know I wrote more... but I can't even really think of it now after having to do this twice...

Saturday, April 28, 2012

I Just Wanna Love Myself...

That's all I've ever really wanted...

Is that really too much for one person to ask for their entire life?

Sunday, April 22, 2012


I honestly just feel like I'm never gonna get better...

I only took one ex-lax tonight but I wanna take like a handful more. I almost just wanna too sick to function tomorrow... I wanna get everything out of my system. I keep looking at Miralax... 32 ounces of that once a week should do the trick.

Cutting just keeps getting worse. My right wrist is red, my entire left arm is covered in cuts, scabs, and scars of various sizes and depths (nothing too deep though), my stomach is all scratched up, both of my legs are covered in scars, and my hip still has a few cuts that are healing from last week.

I'm not crazy...

Ugh... whatever... I just hate this so much.

Like, I really do want to stop... I just don't know how... and I just hate myself so much, and then I cut or something and I just feel even worse about myself...

I did do this today though:

Ughh... whatever... everything just sucks.

Oh... and here's my thing where I keep track of everything... I just started doing this in February... so yeah... it's missing a lot before then obviously. And I don't think I started the laxative countdown right away either but yeah... here it is.

Friday, April 20, 2012

After the Mini Meltdown

Okay… so about a month ago I had a mini meltdown with my pilates teacher which I talked about in one of my last posts... the one that I also talked about my newest tattoo... anyway things have sort of been rough lately and I've talked to her here and there when she sees I'm really stressed out and asks me whats going on. I honestly think I've gotten more hugs from her in the past month than I have from anyone in my entire life... probably combined.

First of all, she’s awesome… I love her. I just feel so terrible because she’s always worrying about me and she wants to help so badly but she really can’t do anything, she can’t make things better for me. 

So we had our pilates open house today and I talked to her a bit yesterday about it because we had to wear our instructor tank tops… I asked her if it would be okay if I wore a jacket and she said yes… first she thought it was cause of body stuff (common with me and everyone knows it) but when she asked I said “I just need to have long sleeves on” and she thought for like half a second and then said, “All week, huh?”… so obviously she noticed the thumb hole shirt in class and me not rolling up the sleeves which I sometimes do. 

Then she asked what day… and my response was… everyday. The last week has just been really rough for whatever reason. Anyway… we talked for a bit about some stuff and I think what scares her (and probably a lot of other people) about me the most is that I don’t scare myself enough. She asked me if I have people to go to and talk about everything in my life and I told her no… because in real life, I really don’t. I told her one of the other teachers knew and like a handful of other people but most I don’t talk to anymore.

So anyway, I saw her today for like half a second before my composition class and I was in a really good mood this morning… and she asked how I was just in passing, across the room and I said “good”, which was actually true… so then I had class. It’s a 3 hour dance composition class and the last 20 minutes or so we were given somewhat of an art project to do -_-

He wanted us each to lay on a sheet of paper in some kind of pose and have someone trace us… I did NOT want to do this. I just… no. But I did it… I ended up being on my forearms and one knee with my other leg stretched out behind me so my torso, hips, ect. wouldn’t have to be traced. So when it was finished… it’s like mostly hand/arm cause you can’t tell what the rest is and they’re seperated… well then he wanted us to color our own in the last 10 minutes (finish for homework and use as inspiration for choreography for next week)… well… I just ended up smearing red ALL over mine with my hands. It was like… really emotional and too much for me for just a class assingment.

When I got to the open house, my teacher swoops in to give me a hug and asks how class was and I told her it was fine until the end and she asked what happened and I told her all of that and she could tell I was really upset about it. She said she’s always thinking about me. And we also had to do a bunch of pictures and stuff and she would randomly squeeze my hand and let me be in the back even though I’m the shortest and she told me I was being her champion today because of all the cameras. 

When I wasn’t with a prospective client, I hung out with one of the girls I went through the program with and when we did the pictures I stayed by her and so that was good. I felt so much better during the open house, I was keeping busy and with prospective clients and talking with one of my friends and talking to my teachers son who is adorable and he was making me smile just cause he was simply there and super cute… so it was good.

Then I when we were done I was about to leave and my teacher asked me to stay for a minute and she waited until everyone else left and then we talked a little. She said she talked to her therapist about my situation (not in a bad way… and I don’t see it that way, but just because she feels helpless and wants so badly for me to be okay)… anyway she said a lot of what came up was that because of what I’m going through and the severity of everything for me, the best thing is inpatient. Of course I like reacted as soon as she said that and she was like ‘I know’… but it’s difficult because it’s been a part of my life for as long as I can remember and there’s still such a disconnect between why I actually self injure and what triggers it for me… and even though it may go dormant for a while… it always comes back… so she just really wants me to be able to figure out what that is and be able to recover from it. And a lot of it too is just… energetic ups and downs and mood swings and things like that.

I dunno… we got cut a bit short cause her son (omg he’s the most adorable child ever!!!) walked in and her husband so we stopped talking about that… I hung around for a few more minutes and then decided to go and she told me to call her if I need anything… to ALWAYS call her… and she told me that a month ago when I had the initial meltdown.
Anyway… I think that’s it… sorry it’s long. I’m just sort of processing everything still.