Thursday, July 26, 2012

Shit Day

You know you have a problem when you're on the floor of the locker room about to pass out, in the most excrutiating pain of your life, drenched in sweat, white as a ghost and you just tell the people trying to help you "I'm fine. It happens sometimes."

Yup... welcome to my life. 

So, the morning was fine. I got my period. You know... shit happens. Took some advil cause of cramps.

I had a bit of a break between dance camp and physical therapy so I was home. Then I went to PT and we started with a deep friction massage (kind of OW today) and then the ultrasound which I started yesterday... after a little while the ultrasound was REALLY hurting my knee... like I can't even explain what it felt like but it was so painful and so I told the PT and it felt better when the ultrasound wasn't on. Then all the sudden I felt like I was gonna pass out or puke or I dunno and I started sweating and got really white. So she got me some water and I drank some and felt better in a few minutes. We decided since the ultrasound was hurting anyway that we were done with it and she asked if I wanted to do stim and ice. I felt better so I said I could handle it. We were trying to figure out why I felt sick... it could have been because of pain. Then I realized I got my period today. 

Bingo. That's it. I dunno if the pain from the ultrasound was a part of it... it's possible. After like... I dunno... 2 minutes I asked one of the girls to take the ice off. I said I just needed to find a bathroom and then get home. Got in the bathroom and was feeling even worse. Managed to get myself out of the bathroom and to my locker to get my phone to call my mom to pick me up. It's about a 15-20 minute drive. It took her about a half hour to get there. That whole half hour was a blur. The locker room is really tiny and it's like carpet like the rest of the place and I just needed to lay down and have my knees into my chest because my cramps where so bad. My PT brought me some pillows, a cold compress, an ice pack, and heat for my stomach. I was progressivly getting worse. The PT place is in a whole medical facility so like two woman came in... two? I dunno there were so many people in such a small room and one was trying to put my feet up on a really high bench and I was like... my head was getting better, I wasn't as lightheaded on the floor and the heat was helping cramps but she didn't want the heat on me cause I was sweating and I just wanted my feet down and I finally got her off my back and I kept switching sides and burying my face in the pillows and then sitting in a child's pose type position and then back on my side. 

So my mom walks in... first thing she says, "You got your period today?"

I got up and we got my stuff together (oh, I also managed some advil after I called my mom) and I got up but kept my body forward and kept telling people I needed to be upside down... which we had to stop about twice on the way to the car so I could be upside down. I felt better on the drive home. I laid down on my side with the seat back and we had the air on. I laid down for a bit when I got home and was feeling a lot better so I went to ballet. 

I was trying not to cry in ballet... not totally sure what was going on I was just kinda in a mood from everything but the storm and brownouts where making me feel better.

I got home and was okay but then going through e-mails realized I was late for a lot of stuff (Background Check and Child Abuse forms) so I filled everything out which is always a struggle for me and we're sending in the rest of the stuff tomorrow, my mom's gonna take care of it for me. But then I was freaking out cause this is probably why I haven't gotten my placement yet and now I'm gonna get something I really don't want and ugh. 

Oh... we're going to Hawaii which I really don't want to go but my family was being ugh I don't even want to get into it so we're going and I've been saying I don't wanna go to beaches and shit and my dad mentioned snorkeling before and I don't want to do it but no one gives a shit and after I finish everything I'm going upstairs and my dad goes "Buy a bathing suit, we're going snorkeling." And that's when I started to cry.

I just don't want to be a part of my life anymore.

Monday, July 23, 2012

Vent Sesh

I'm hating everything right now... and hating myself for hating things cause if it weren't for my screwed up brain things would be going pretty damn decent right now. I mean... I might not have any friends... but I'm doing what I love and having fun and for the most part keeping busy and making some money. 

But no. I have to be fucked up and not able to enjoy anything in life.

I haven't cut since July 8th... I really want to though. I probably won't tonight though. Don't have the energy. I ate SO much today. I mean, okay... I dunno. I just feel disgusting. I'll probably restrict tomorrow... and go back on fat burners for about a week or so.  

I just don't know what's wrong with me... and there's so many things in my head, and I can't even begin to form sentences or put words together. Right now there's no words. No thoughts. Just the way I feel in my body. That's it. 

I just... I need to be skinny again so badly. I can't take this anymore. I really, really can't. I wish stepping on a scale would just trigger me back into anorexia instead of making me suicidal. Wow...  now there's a fucked up thought for you. Talk about having issues...

I should be in therapy... I just can't bring myself to ask my parents again. I can't. Cause then they worry and my mom asks questions and every time I fuck up my mom ends up in the hospital. 

I'm more convinced than ever that I'm bipolar. I really am... part of me wants to find out for sure, like, maybe having that diagnosis will make me feel less crazy... but I don't want it to mess up my career and I don't want to end up using it as an excuse. I mean, I've never been that type of person, but who knows. I feel like I might be ready to hear that... mentally... but then what if I'm really not? Then I'm just some crazy fucktard who can't control her moods or emotions. I'm just the 22 year old girl who can't physically take care of herself. I'm just overdramatic about everything. 

Ugh... I dunno. I just need to get rid of all this damn fat so I can have some room to think! Like... I try to think, or concentrate, or focus... and I can't. There's nothing in my head. Just how physically disgusting I feel.

I am physically more comfortable in a smaller body. Unless you've been different sizes, you don't understand how physically different it feels to be in one body vs. another. 
The difference in what it feels like walking with your thighs touching or not. 
The difference in being able to stand up straight and suck in your belly or not.
The different in laying on your back and feeling a double chin or not.
The different in waving your arm and feeling all the flab jiggle or not.
You don't know what it's like unless you've been at both ends. And once you have... you learn your preference. You learn where you're comfortable. You learn what feels good.

This... this doesn't feel good. Speaking of not feeling good... my ovaries are on fire. Pretty sure I just got my period. Just this second. Fuck my life. Let the bloating begin!! Ugh. I knew it was coming. The amount of chocolate I've been consuming was a clear sign. The pickle cravings probably too. 

But anyway. I should go to bed. I'm still getting over being sick from 2 weeks ago and now think I'm already starting to get sick again. Like seriously? Fuck that.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

I'm terrible with updates...

So as far as all the things in my last few posts... everything worked out... it's fine. I freaked out for no reason. I'm at my parents pretty much all summer just dancing and going to pilates and I have physical therapy like 3 times a week. 

I don't know how long I'm going to be staying on blogger... if I get to updating more often again I will keep it... I dunno why I haven't been on much but it definitely helps to have this place to vent.

I also have SEVERAL tumblrs if you want to keep in touch with me that way or follow me there:

So yeah... I keep saying I'll be better at updating on here and them I'm not but I will work on it. I'm on tumblr pretty much every day though so you can find me there... I just stay signed into blogger on safari and my other account on chrome and I'm rarely on safari. But, like I said... I'll try better :)

I'm also going to be working on my website more this summer... here's the link for that: Recovery is Beautiful

Sorry for worrying any of you!!