Tuesday, May 31, 2011

"Now is right on time."

Oh, hey summer!!


Monday, May 30, 2011


Tech rehearsal tonight. Pictures are being taken at tech. My costume is hideous and doesn't even really fit me.

They just took our measurements... yet they made my costume too small... or I gained weight. Fuck, I thought I was loosing... tiny bits at a time but loosing none-the-less.

I am a lot more open about my eating disorder with people now, I think it may partially be because I am trying to prove to people that I was once skinny and can do it again. I dunno... I'm fucked up in the head.

So the night I took 3 ex-lax... yeah let's talk about that. M came over... whatever, he's a total pain in the ass. He's way into me and I really could care less. I'm not attracted to him. Plus he's annoying. Whatever.

So anyway, I took an ex-lax before he got here. I didn't really care I was wearing sweats, I'm not gettin' dressed up for him. Fuck that shit. Anyway, this kid knows about my eating disorder and yet he still thinks it's okay to tell me (well okay he asked me and being the dumbass I am I told him he could tell me) that my stomach could be flatter, I have a big ass, and I have big cheeks. Wow. Thanks asshole. Even though I said you could tell me, you know I have a fucking eating disorder. And I don't give a flying rat's ass if you think hips and an ass look good. NO. FUCK YOU! I DON'T WANT AN ASS! I would be totally content with the body of a 12-year-old boy. Yeah... no joke. 

So since then... I'm even more self-conscious of my stomach because it's apparently huge, and I have a big fuckin' ass which I swear got even bigger since he said that. Oh and yes... I know I have cheeks. I have since I was a little kid. Everyone used to pinch them. I was one of those cheek pinch kids. I hate that. It hurts. And it's rude. I hate my cheeks. Put the big cheeks together with my stupid eyelids and that's what gives me that fuckin' Asian look. 

I have nothing against that, but every time someone calls me Asian it just is a reminder of me being fat. And what's worse? I'm still fucking eating. What the hell? I hate myself. I feel so fucking huge since he said that... like even more than usual. I thought I was loosing at least a little bit, but now I don't know if I have. I hate this. I want to loose. I need to loose. 

Oh... so yeah, after he said that he went to the bathroom and I popped the other 2 ex-lax. And he continued the entire night to tell me I have a big ass! I told him I didn't like that I don't care if you and apparently everyone you know is into that, I'm not, stop fucking bringing it the fuck up!!!

I want to die right now.

Oh... and did I mention after being put in such a bad fucking mood I text the boy again to say I missed him. No response, obviously.

I should shut the fuck up now... not like anyone cares anyway.

I hate myself.
I want to go home NOW.

Time for sit-ups. I'm out.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

It's 3:30...

...and I'm just now getting out of bed.



Okay... so first things first. My parents need to look into the lease on my apartment and a few other things but they are going to do everything they can do help me. 

Crossing my fingers that I can get the school to let me do this!!

Now on to how I am feeling right now.

I didn't get to bed until 5am, and it wasn't a steady sleep. It's 11am now, I just opened my computer. 

I took a max. strength ex-lax last night... and then not to long later, popped two more. Bad idea. I am not feeling my best right now. Sorry if this is TMI for some of you, but I actually had to open my shower curtain because I thought I was gonna throw up also. I've never had food poisoning... but I'm pretty sure it feels kinda like this. It's not as bad as it started out. I'm not cold, sweating, and dizzy anymore... but it's still uncomfortable and my tummy doesn't feel well. 

NEVER do that. It is not a good idea. 

I'll keep this short and sweet and get out of here for now.

Love you all <3

Saturday, May 28, 2011


Kes and Nikki, thank you so so much for your support!! This has literally consumed my entire day! The letter was written and sent. I feel somewhat better now that it's been done but I'm nervous. 

Really, I think the biggest thing is going to be getting the school to let me do this. They may not. It's gonna be tough. I may keep my Thursday appointment at the counseling center and see if they can help me out with an excuse to finish my degree from home. Really though... I have an eating disorder, I am most likely depressed (at least mildly or on occasion), and I self injure... I need to do this to take care of myself.

I'm also nervous because my mom has heart issues and I always feel like when something comes up and she ends up in the hospital that it's my fault because I'm much more stressful and difficult than just any other kid. No one ever knows what's going on with me, and I think that scares them. 

My parents are on vacation right now... I don't know if my mom will be checking her e-mail on her phone. She just got an iphone so she does have the ability to. I don't want to mess up their vacation, but I had to do it before I changed my mind.

In the e-mail I said that I didn't want to spend the next year at school and that I take better care of myself when I'm at home (they know that means food-wise, for the most part). I explained the credits and how I don't have a lot left. If I take one class every term, two classes for maybe half of that, I'll be fine. Hey, maybe since I'll be considered part-time it will be cheaper. Can you graduate part-time? I don't know. I don't know if any of this is going to work out the way I want it to. I want them to make an exception and let me do what I want. Sorry, going off topic. So I also told them how I'm sure if I talked to the director of the dance program she could help me pull a few strings. I told them I also look into counseling and how I know my mom has told me before to do this, which I have... several times, but that the counseling center here is really just useless. I assured them that this wasn't a quick decision brought on by anything, it's something that I have been thinking about for a while. I said I wanted to take better care of myself and I feel like I need to be home to do that, also dancing at home is going to be a huge help for me. I ended with,
"I don’t want you to be worried about me, there really isn’t any reason to be… but without having to go into too much detail about it I know that this is what I need to do and that this will help me a lot. There’s nothing that just made this come up, I’ve been thinking about it for a while and hopefully you can just trust my judgment that I know this is what I need right now.
Then I said it would be easier if they just responded to this through e-mail for now.

I think my parents will want to look at other options first... but in the end, I think this is the best one for me. I just hope that it works out the way I want it to. 

I need to head out to rehearsal now. I will def. let you know when I hear a response back and keep you updated. I am crossing my fingers that this works out as planned! I do want my degree, I've come too far to give that up... but I need me too.

I need your help...

So... as I'm sure many of you know, I am currently a junior in college. I have one year left (9 required classes, 2 of which I am trying to take online over the summer while I'm still doing my internship). Anyway... I've been thinking this for a long time and it's about time I do something, I know what I need to do but it's telling my parents that's difficult for me. I don't know if I ever mentioned this but for some reason I can't even tell my parents I love them... which I do, so it's weird. 

But, this is what I need to do.

This term is over in one week. I have a performance this week so I'll be busy with rehearsals and such, my parents will be here this weekend, and then I'll be home the weekend after before summer starts.

Summer is fine. I work Tues, Wed, Thurs... my job is only 15 minutes further from home than my apartment on campus... so I can go home Thursday night-Tuesday morning. I'll spend two nights a week in my apartment at school. No big. I'll be home majority of the time.

So then after that's done. Senior year. I hate it here. I have no friends. I isolate myself. I'm not taking care of myself the way I should be. I'm not happy. I can't do this for another year.

My plan is to go home. We're not talking dropping out here... but if I spend senior year at home, I can take the rest of my required classes online (maybe some electives if I need the credits or possibly get some credits at community college and transfer them over, I don't have the nitty gritty details yet). But I'm done with my dance classes so I don't need to be on campus. I can live at home, take online classes, dance at my studio at home for the year, and go see a therapist (since on the counseling center here really sucks). 

Now, I think as far as the school goes, I can talk to the director of my program and have her help me out. And I think schools are usually accommodating with this type of thing... but I don't want to be diagnosed with anything... I just know that in order to take care of myself this is what I need to do. Come spring term I can drive in once a week for a class I need to take that's three hours long... that's not a problem at all. 

I think if my parents see I am finally admitting things aren't okay and trying to reach out for help they will be understanding and we can work something out. I want to finish school, I just don't want to be here. I want to get things sorted out before grad school... I really do. I just don't want them to know anything is wrong. 

I think that I am going to write them a letter/e-mail because it will be easier for me and I just hope that they won't want too many details and can just trust that I know that this is whats best for me. I know it is... I just don't know how to tell them. 

I could probably say more... but I'm not going to. I woke up with a killer headache and then I started thinking about all this shit and I'm crying and I HATE crying. So... yeah... if you have any advice on how to go about this, suggestions, past experiences with doing this kind of thing that might help me out, I would really appreciate it. This whole asking for help thing is kinda new to me and I'm still not totally a fan of it...

Friday, May 27, 2011

One day.

It just came out... and then I cried. 

One day... I'm going to love myself.

One day. Not today... but one day.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Or so I like to think...

I ate way too much today. Why the fuck did I eat?? And I ate some candy too. Like, really? That embarrasses me to even admit. 


It's such a dirty word to me.

But I'm not going to give up. I've always been a fighter (even though I feel like giving up sometimes). But hey, 21 years and still going right? I never thought I'd make it here. I didn't think I'd make it to 18. Hell... I wasn't even sure I'd get to 15. But I did... and I'm still here, still going.

I'm not one for doing things the easy way... and hey, recovery... is not easy.

Hate to break it to you kids, but recovery is hard work.

That doesn't mean not to try... it just makes it that much more worth it in the end. To know that you stood up for yourself, to yourself... that you fought for yourself, your life. 

I feel disgusting right now... really disgusting. I hate this feeling more than anything. 

This is not meant to be offensive... I just saw it and honestly feel this way sometimes. 

My stomach... 
                       is huge... 
                                     I want... 
                                                   to throw up...


This thing with J really pissed me off... I don't think I went into detail with you guys about it but we still  haven't spoken. It's been like 2 weeks or so now. I get pissed cause she told me "whether you want help or not, or whether you think your recovery has an impact on me or not, it effects me more than you think". Like, really??

First off, I had been doing so well! But she takes positive things that I say and somehow makes them out to be negatives. So I just don't get it... I dunno, I had more thoughts on this before but whatever. And really... she knows I'm convinced everyone leaves me. That's what people do. Thanks for proving me right. Oh... and another thing... I already felt like I'm the reason she's going through all this shit... that she got a lot of her 'bad habits' from me... thanks for letting me know I was right about that one too.

Okay... so since my formatting is all fucked up and is kind of pissing me off... I'm gonna get going. Peace.

Why I love Tori Amos...

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Make the feelings stop!

So... I realized something today...

It's not the boy that I miss. 
It's not T. 
It's C. 

I miss him so fucking much!! I felt so safe when I was with him... safe from the world... safe from myself. Like as long as I was in his arms I couldn't hurt me. All I want right now is to  be in his arms again... 

I'm not going to go on too much more about this. I wrote three pages about it this morning and couldn't stop thinking about him all day. Crap. At least I'm not as upset as before.

Here's a post from a conversation I had with him a few months ago (C convo). There's a little background info in there too.
Since then, we've talked only a few times and we were joking around... yeah, not going into it... but I miss him.
I hate feelings.
I want them to stop.

I had 3 meals yesterday!! Progress!! And I wasn't SUPER upset about it. Today I only had dinner. I may have a little bit of a snack later. I bought a few groceries (cereal type stuff) so that I have some food when my parents are here next weekend and they don't ask why there's no food. I'll ask them to bring a few fresh things up with them also. I'm hoping that they stay overnight so we can go into the city the next day and do something but who knows. I doubt J will come, this will be the first of my shows she's missing (I think). But whatever.

I finally saw "No Strings Attached" last night. I can not tell you how much I loved it!! I could totally see myself as Emma a lot of the time. 

I was just laughing by myself in my room... like full on cracking up! I think it's good when you can laugh by yourself, or at yourself (even when you're alone). I make myself laugh all the time. I trip over things, think I'm getting attacked by birds, circle mailboxes because I'm not 100% sure how they work. It's all good. It's those little things that make me who I am. 

Oh. And my AC is leaking... like a lot. It could be a possible reason for the buggies. ICK. Okay, peace.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Sunday, May 22, 2011


Okay... so first of all, thank you for the comments on my last post. I know, it sounds like a dumbass, stuck-up problem to have but when you don't see what other people see, you being to think everyone is lying to you... which I already think. And if anyone was actually bored enough to go and read my "about me" section (aka "why I'm here") then you would see that even when I was a kid (we're talking 3/4 years old) and people would tell me how pretty I was how I thought they were lying to me because I didn't see what they were seeing.

JDawg: thank you :)
Peanut: thanks for understanding <3
Unbeautiful: you are beautiful (yeah, yeah, internet/blog people don't count as real people). but i'm telling you that you are. if you aren't being told, it's not because you aren't. i can tell from your picture that you are beautiful on the outside and from the comments you are always leaving me that you are beautiful on the inside <3

So... now about the "Eeek!!!". Before I started this blog, when I first moved into my apartment, I had a bit of a big issue. There was a giant mutant bug with about 8 million legs running around my apartment and coming toward me. Yes, late at night I ran down to the security guard shaking and with tears running down my face. They aren't supposed to go into resident rooms, but he reallllly felt bad for me.

Well, he couldn't find the damn thing. So, I went and slept at a friends apartment for the night (after chain smoking a box of cigarettes on her front steps. We went to class together in the morning and I was out ALL day with classes. During an afternoon break I had a friend come to my apartment with me for support while I SPRAYED THE SHIT out of everything with raid. We're talking an entire can here people. Then even that night, I was afraid to be in here. I couldn't sleep. Showering was the most terrifying thing ever... to this day I still check the bathroom walls before I can pee just in case. 

So today, at about 11am, I'm getting ready to go to the mall (I never got there) and there's another. And I screamed and it ran behind the molding of my bathroom door. Now I'm in a bra, standing on my futon, shaking to the point my legs can barely hold me up. I called my mom, I called T (girl), I text T (ex) to come help me. So... he didn't wanna get out of bed. Asshole. By 11:30ish I'm standing on my chair at my desk, still to afraid to get the almost empty can of raid sitting outside the bathroom door, and still afraid to go in the bathroom for my friggin shirt! This thing was like the size of my hand. So anyway, my bathroom is directly across from me... and what do I see... ANOTHER ONE! Smaller. I think it was a baby. I call up T hysterical freaking out that these things have come to murder me and he doesn't wanna get out of bed. I literally could not breathe. He told me to look at my wrist, I half did, but the fresh cuts from yesterday weren't helping the situation. He said I was just being a baby and if I still had the problem in half hour that he would come over. 

So I get off the phone with him and call my mom back.She talked me through all of my shrieking and screaming and hysteria... the thing ran under my bed, but just at the edge, and then came over to the corner nearest me... this happened as I was putting on the flipflips next to my chair so I could go over and get the raid. I JUMPED back on the futon SCREAMING at the top of my lungs and hyperventilating... 

I managed to run over, grab the raid, and get back on the desk chair. (This thing had already starred me down when I first saw it in the bathroom, they really are out to get me.) So I'm on the chair and my mom tells me to spray it... so... I do.

And what happens?? The thing fucking CHARGES me and tries to run up the fucking chair!!! NOT AN OKAY SITUATION!! I just kept spraying and jumped over to the futon where I sprayed it a few more times just to really make sure it was dead.

Now... I have a dead bug on my floor, no raid left, and another creepin in my walls. I found something to throw on and ran down to get someone in the office to get the body out for me. I had to wait 20minutes for the office to open and the security guard saw I was like freaking out so he asked what was wrong and he talked to me until the guy came, he wasn't even ready for work he just came up front to check something, but he came up anyway. He got the dead one for me and without asking searched the bathroom just to make sure no more were in sight. He didn't see any so after he left I ran out to CVS to buy more raid.

I came back with 2 cans and got back to my building around 1 (so I was out for like an hour). I text T to see if he was still sleeping. I STILL (it's like 9:30 now) HAVE NOT HEARD BACK FROM HIM. When I got back I sat outside. I can be a big girl and spray myself but I need someone to be there with me in case one fuckin charges me... which as of today, I was proven WILL HAPPEN. After like 5 min the security guard came out and saw I was there and he stayed outside for the next like 2 hours just talking to me until finally I got someone to come over. 

It was M. He was my last resort... and he not only thinks I'm crazy, but also now delusional. He totally didn't believe me. Ugh. Whatever. So we sprayed, and I left. I went tanning, then got to dance early. After dance, I hung out for about an hour before coming back to my apartment. I just got back at like 8:20. I sprayed some more and still have not taken my shoes off. I keep looking around. I'm all itchy. I will NOT be getting any sleep tonight.

I'm also really upset about what T did. That was so NOT cool. I straight up called him. He could heard how terrified I was, I was hysterical!! I don't care if he thinks I'm a fuckin psyco and never wants to speak to me again but at that point I really just needed help with these fuckin bugs!

They're centipedes by the way. Big ones. Fast ones. 
And their out to get me.

Saturday, May 21, 2011


Soo, it seems like the more I hear how beautiful I am and the more compliments I receive from people, the more I feel like everyone is lying to me. I just don't see it, I never have... and I see it less now than ever.

I've heard it all...

How it breaks peoples hearts that I can't see how gorgeous I am and how they don't understand how I can't see it. How no matter how much I argue, they are going to continue to tell me...

C: the whole conversation is in one of my January posts...
- "it blows my mind that a girl so freakin gorgeous as you has no self esteem"
- "you have no idea how pretty you are"
- "i didn't like that i thought i wasn't good enough to talk to this stunningly gorgeous girl, so i did it anyway. i just didn't think that she was thinking the same things about herself."

T (ex): he was always telling how pretty I was and when I didn't agree he would make me say it out loud (which I usually refused to do). He used to check me out back in high school, or so he says, and to this day he still tells me I'm beautiful and he's always thought that... I think he always will, despite the fact my looks have changed so much. He also told me that it hurt him when I didn't think I was pretty.

S (moved away): he told me when I told him about the whole situation with the boy that I'm a pretty girl, so a lot of guys are just gonna want one thing from me... but I have to find the guy that's gonna wait, that's gonna go on walks with me and just talk.

The Boy: well obviously he was always asking me how I got to be so beautiful and complimenting my hair and my body (ew, just threw up in my mouth a little). He didn't care about my scars. I have a note on my bathroom mirror that says "Remember, you're beautiful. But not everyone's gonna see that." Or something like that... anyway, he went in there when he was here a few weeks ago and he came out, wrapped his arms around my waist and said, "You're beautiful. And I see it."

M (I have a convo. from a while ago of me being a total bitch with him): he's always telling me I'm hot and sexy and I have a nice body, blah blah blah... he literally makes me gag. I'm only putting the most recent text here but he's said many things before this also.
- "It's so sad to the point that it breaks my heart that someone as beautiful as you may never see it."

T (girl): one time in like middle school or high school or something she told me that I was the most beautiful person she knew because I didn't look like everyone else... and I didn't try to either.

And I mean there was more behind what all of them are saying than just my looks. They don't like that I'm always so hard on myself blah, blah, blah. They don't understand how I can't see what I look like to them. I wish I did. I wish I could see what they see... so bad...

I've had kids I teach ask me if I was a model, guys always telling me I'm cute (which I don't mind as much because it can imply personality). But it's really just overwhelming and I don't know what to think anymore. The more people tell me how great I look and the less I see it... I just get so confused. Am I even seeing the same damn person?!? Is it just that I have different standards of beauty?!? Both?!? I can't take it. I feel like everyone is lying to me. Everyone is out to get me. They want me to not care what I look like and get FAT. Correction: FATTER. I hate this. Oh my god. Okay... I have to stop now. Too many thoughts.

It's not about guys. It's not about how other people see me... it's about how I see myself. And I don't like what I see... so why can't I be free to change that? Why does everyone have to prevent me from changing myself so that I can be happy for once? I'm not vain, I'm really not. I just don't see it. I hate everything about myself. I hate it all... and now I'm about to cry because of all these damn compliments people keep giving me!! 

Oh yeah... and I cut again today... I'm a total failure at life. I just need to calm down before tomorrow so I don't end up buying a bottle of antifreeze...

Made today...

Kind of shitty but it's whatever.


I just ate peanut butter...


Because I'm a fucking fatass, that's why.

Friday, May 20, 2011

You're all wonderful :)

To my followers: I love you ALL. If you've read some of my most recent posts, I did get an appointment with the counselor I wanted for next Friday. I'm nervous... but I would have never been able to do it without you guys. This blog was the starting point for me being able to seek that support from someone else. 

You are all beautiful people and I hope that those of you who are in the same boat are getting the support you need or will hopefully be soon ready too. 

This one's right next to my bed :)

The world you desire can be won, it exists, it is real, IT IS YOURS.

The people are so little!!

Sooo I don't know how much any of you guys know about theatre, but I got to do the most AWESOME thing today!!

You know how usually in the back corner in the wings there's a spiral staircase? Well I got to go up there, then once we got to the platform (I think it's called the crow's nest), there was a second spiral staircase that we went up so we were like 50 feet above the stage. And then we had to walk across the grid (which is basically a bunch of metal 2x4's going across the whole length of the stage but 50 feet above it. And once we got to the other side there was this little ladder we had to climb down (not far) to get to a platform where we had to change some of the weights. They called them bricks, but they were metal... so I called them super bricks.

Oh my gosh, it was so scary/exciting/fun. I would SO do that again!!

And since I'm so bad with going down stairs... it took me a while to get back down the spiral staircase. I was so proud of myself, it was my biggest accomplishment of the day, haha :)

New Contact...

So, I rarely get on to check my hotmail account and I'm never on windows live messenger anymore so since blogspot likes to connect to gmail, and I'm used to gmail from my personal account, I decided to switch over. I love getting and responding to e-mails, so if you guys want to keep in touch just shoot me an e-mail at nikki94xx@gmail.com. It's the same just the @... part is different. I also have chat on there so I will be able to talk to you guys one on one. I'm debating linking it up to my youtube account also... we'll see how that goes. So right now I'm just messing with settings and such.

And a bit of good news, I got an appointment with the counselor I wanted at 9am NEXT Friday. So that's one week from today. Hopefully it doesn't get cancelled, I can last that long, and I don't change my mind. 

Well, I got a lot of shit to do so I'm gonna get going and I'll be gone for most of the day but I'll be playing on g-mail later and working on all of my settings. If you want me to add you into my contact list just shoot me a quick e-mail and I'll put you in.

Also, I want to start an advice page. So anything you would like advice on, anything, it will be kept anonymous and put on the advice page. I'm also thinking of a FAQ page, mainly for new followers who aren't going to read all my old posts to see what's up. Or just general questions about me that may not have been answered, things that may come up a lot. So... yeah, thinking of those two things. Also I want to keep adding on to my other pages and so I am always willing to hear suggestions. If you have a suggestion for a specific page you can always feel free to comment on the page and let me know what you think. E-mail will keep you anonymous if that's what you want.

Really though, you can email me for anything :) You can vent, ask questions, give suggestions... I'm on here more than my regular email and more than facebook. I'm also constantly checking for new comments on my phone so yeah... I'm here <3 <3

Love you all <3 Thank you so much for all of your support everyday :)

Peace out.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

The universe is against me.

I know, I know... that's a really self-centered thing to say. I'm gonna keep this short... I e-mailed the counselor directly last night and he forwarded that e-mail to the woman who forgot to get back to me. She responded this morning saying that he was currently out with a medical problem and his return was unknown.

I am not willing to speak to ANY of the other counselors there.

Fuck. My. Life.

Some thoughts paralyze me.

Wrote this after my two posts last night. My morning writing was not so positive today... I'm not even close to done with it. I'm throwing food out. I ate too much breakfast. I hate this. I hate it all so much.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

I want to throw up.


(Sorry for the double-post.)

Tired of waiting...

Still no word from the counseling center. Ate way too much today...

Other than that, it was an amazing day. I had the best day at work (again). I think I may have eaten too much because I haven't heard back from the counseling center.

I made some major revelations this morning. 

Short N Sweet. Peace out <3 <3

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Don't know why I haven't mentioned this...

Yeah... so after a long debate and lots of tears and back and forth I sent an e-mail Sunday night to the counseling center on campus to set up an appointment (I requested the counselor I wanted) and it took until late Monday to hear back from them. They asked for my availability, school ID, yada yada... so I replied right away. I still haven't heard a thing back.

You think when you get a 2am e-mail asking to set up an appointment that one would see it as kind of important... but no. So okay... I'm trying really hard not to change my mind. I have all these things in my head to say during the consultation just to get out in the open (ex: I don't like the traditional therapist-client thing I would much rather talk to a human being...). But I know once I get in there I won't be able to talk. Well... I shouldn't say know. I'm going to try to. We'll see. I'm really hoping this guy is a good match.

Also, I've decided that I can no longer say I'm having a "fat day". Let's be real, everyone has them... no matter how thin. But I can't call it that anymore. From now on I will simply say that I'm having a "bad body day". 

I'm itchy. I should shower. I think I have more to say but my face itches?!? CRAP. Okay, well shower time. 

Hope you lovelies are doing well <3 <3

Monday, May 16, 2011

The ones that matter...

I've learned that the one thing in life I'm actually good at, is pushing people away. And I'm lucky enough to have a small handful of people who aren't afraid to tell me what an idiot I am and love me regardless. Even though I don't see or even talk to any of those people on a daily basis, I don't know where I would be without them. I would do anything for them <3 And in the end, they're the only ones that matter. 

Sunday, May 15, 2011

It is yours.

The Crazies **SI**

Going on Day 3 of not getting out of bed, leaving my room, or having any contact with any human around.

Yes... my last post means that I cut yesterday. Nothing too bad... thank god. It was all on my wrist... I did actually almost cut right down my vein... I was holding the razor there and started to cry and didn't know what to do. I didn't want to do it but I almost couldn't control it. I didn't have anyone to call or text because I hate being annoying and needy. I don't want to be that girl. So I didn't even try to get in touch with anyone... I didn't even send out any "tell me a joke" texts. After I don't even know how long the razor fell out of my fingers. I'm glad it did. Who knows what would have happened if it didn't. 

So this morning I'm not feeling well, sinus headache from allergies... not to mention my face is full of zits. Okay, so maybe not full, but I don't normally break out so when I do I kind of freak about it. I threw out some boxes of unopened food yesterday... I always feel bad about doing that but it's whatever.

I opened my recovery books back up and started working on the workbook sections about an hour or so ago. I got to a point where I had to stop and take a break though. I can't do too much at once.

I also have the lifetime movie "No One Would Tell" on right now. It's the one where the girl is in an abusive relationship. I've seen it before. It's at the part where she's missing and the mom goes to Bobby's house. She's there now. About to find her purse. 

I feel so fat and gross right now. I really hate this. 

My wrist kind of hurts rubbing against my laptop... but I guess that's what I get for doing this shit to myself. Sometimes I would wonder what would happen if certain people found out. I always think they'll leave me... and it's embarrassing which is why it's not something I can tell or ask for help with. I don't want to be sent to therapy or something like that. I don't want them to think I'm crazy.

I don't know if I've talked about the different crazies on here before... but there's a good crazy and a bad crazy. And since I'm so much of the bad crazy, I think sometimes I try to cover it up with the "good crazy" which isn't really that good. But the "good" one is just like... getting drunk and doing stupid shit (which I can go overboard with to the point where it's not good) and the bad crazy is like "oh that bitch needs to be locked up in a mental hospital". Yeah... whatever. Some people know a little of both. T (ex) knows about the eating disorder... well, a little bit. I did tell him kind of about it... and found out last week that he remembered me telling him because when we were talking about people worrying about me he asked if I was eating. Crap. Anyway... he doesn't know about the SI. But he always tells me he's there for me and stuff like that and recently, he really has been. I miss having him around every day. 

He told me that it hurts him or that he takes it personally when I talk bad about myself because he used to date me and wants to tell people how he dated this gorgeous sexy girl or whatever. I just wish I could see myself the way he sees me.I wish I knew how he sees me. I think that I might still have feelings for him. I keep finding myself wishing he was here... wishing I was in his arms. It's ridiculous. Ugh... I don't even know where I'm going with this post.

I'm gonna get going now. Finish up this movie...maybe run out to 7-11 for some milk and vitamin waters. Gahh. 

Okay loves, I hope you are all well <3 Sorry for the lack of comments lately... I haven't really been all there.

Saturday, May 14, 2011


Sometimes I wonder if the relief from seeing my own blood is because it's reminding me I'm alive...

Friday, May 13, 2011

Unleash the bitch!

Okay... so about that whole bitch thing. Monday night. Oh boy... 

I still feel so so bad about this =/

Okay, so I was home this weekend and managed not to call the boy!! Yay, I did so well, even on Saturday night when I had nothing to do. But then Sunday after getting back to school I was hanging out with my ex and left there in not the best of moods... so I text the boy. Anyway, we kept talking all the next day and next thing I know he's coming down to see me.

First it was like 8:30, so I figured I would hang out after dance and then go get him from the train station... but it got changed to 9:30-10pm by the time I got out. So... I wanted a drink. I didn't really wanna see him. I couldn't believe I said he could come down... but unfortunately for him, I was on my period. 

He was only coming for sex (in my mind) and I could've easily told him I was on my period before he came down but I decided to wait until he was here. Almost as a test. As if that wasn't bad enough...

So after dance I went to a friends to steal his alcohol and cologne. I ended up drunk and high. So I look at my phone and the boy sent a text saying he would be in at 9:30... it was 9:27. So I walked down to the train station drunk and high to pick him up.

We got back to my place and I just had this really bad feeling. I felt like he was lying to me, I was uncomfortable, I just didn't want him there. I had that feeling like something bad was going to happen. So to make it go away, I kept drinking... I text my ex and asked him to keep his phone nearby that night in case I called.

Long story short, I more or less kicked him out. I offered to walk him to the train but he wouldn't let me. He left here around 11:30pm and got home at like 7am. Whoops. Dick move. I know.

He text me when he got home and then he said "have a good day", which I'm taking more as a "fuck you. have a good life." Anyway, I tried to say sorry that night but he was pissed off. I feel like I should send him a text and apologize again but I also feel like I should just let it go and just forget about him.

I think I was just scared.

I dunno what to do.


I did text him a half asleep"sorry" and I also was just talking to S and told him about that night... he said that it's scary and I'm too impulsive =(

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

I'm hungry...

I don't think I've every actually been able to say that. But I really really am hungry... well... was. I felt hungry (and not just the fact I've been lightheaded for 2 days) I actually felt what real hunger is... but then... I saw myself in the mirror... and it just went away. Gone. No more hunger. I am still debating picking something up for breakfast/lunch... a special K bar or something... I could leave for work early to pick it up and also get a few things to throw in my apartment since there is no food here. 

But I don't know if that's going to happen. Even though I know I should eat, I'm scared... so I took a few more pills and drank some vitamin water zero.

This is hard... oh... and I had a real rough night last night. I should explain that at some point but I'm still trying to figure it out myself. All I know is that I am one hell of a bitch. 

Oh well... I'm just good at pushing people away I guess. At least I know I'm good at something.

Monday, May 9, 2011


I had all of these thoughts Thursday morning but in order to write them means bringing them all back up again. So I just went online and searched through a shit ton of cemeteries and I think I found my Grandma's. I know she's near the kids because she loved kids so once I'm there I should have no problem finding her. I haven't been to visit her in so long and realized that I really need to go... and I think I need to talk to her. I used to talk to her all the time when I was a kid (she died when I was 8 by the way), but the less I believed in God and everything else, I stopped talking to my Grandma. 

Even though I barely knew her, I really do miss her. She was supposed to die before I was even born but held on until just 2 days before my 8th birthday. So... she was sick the whole time I knew her (she died of colon cancer). 

Anyway, I just found out kind of recently that when she was pregnant she used to starve herself and she was always dieting and not eating. When I heard that, my heart sank. There is a decent amount of information on eating disorders having something to do with genetics... what if she had an eating disorder? I don't know if she really did but that obviously isn't very healthy... and if she did, and part of my eating disorder is due to genetics, then it is the one thing I got from my Grandma other than my eyes. Which, by the way, the only reason I haven't had surgery on my eyelids is because they're my Grandma's.

Anyway... if my eating disorder is partially from her, then it just makes me want to hold onto it that much more. To hang on to her. She's 1/4 of who I am... and maybe the fact that I didn't really get to know her or that fourth of me is part of why I always feel like something is missing and like I don't really know who I am. And on top of that... she's probably the one grandparent who I am most like, who I most relate to, who I most look like, who I most act like... but I never got to know her to know that.

I don't  know... I think I was thinking a lot more and making a lot more sense the other day but it's just one of those things where I realized that I had to do it. I have to go to the cemetery and I have to visit my Grandma. I'll bring her flowers and talk to her. She's about a 3 hour drive from school... but we haven't been in so long. I want to go alone anyway... 

My favorite childhood memory is actually one with her, which always struck me as kind of strange because I didn't really know her. And my family never lived like down the block from my grandparents so it wasn't like I saw her all the time. Just on certain holidays and the occasional visits we took up there. 

It was just so weird to me that I got so upset about this and all of the things it could mean. I dunno... maybe I'm just rambling now.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

I really thought I was doing better....

Apparently not.

I ate like 928450974309869405870476089537605890976895760857975 billion calories today. No joke. 

Like... why? I'm happier when I don't eat... I know this. I know food and eating is the one thing that upsets me more than anything else in the world. So like, what the fuck is my problem. My stomach feels so huge... as usual. I can actually feel my ass getting larger as I write this. There's just so much FLAB everywhere. I mean, I've seen overweight people that look good... confidence really helps that (and the fact that they truly are beautiful), the way they dress, whatever.... but I'm just all flabby. It's disgusting. I disgust myself. 

Nothing but diet pills and ex-lax from here on out.

I probably have more to say but I'm just gonna end it here because nothing I say has any value or worth. I don't even care right now.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011


I honestly just think these are four of the most beautiful women.
Wow. 101 people reading along with my nonsense... that's insane! So this post is for you guys just to let you know how much I really do appreciate you reading along and commenting :)

"Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly." 

Just a little something to remember <3

Something else to remember: Trails never end, of course. Unhappiness and misfortune are bound to occur as long as people live, but there is a feeling now that wasn't here before, and not just on the surface of things, that says: We've won it. It's going to get better now. You can sort of tell these things. - Robert M. Pirsig

Come on... you know it's true... and if not now, then one day :)

I wish I could thank you all for following along but there's just so many of you. I honestly never thought I would reach this many followers when I started my blog. I didn't realize that it would become so important to be and even though I knew I would find some support, I wasn't expecting the level of support that there truly is here. I hope that you guys also look around on the different pages I have on here. The breathe page is probably my favorite (I need to look at that one some more myself also) and I love love love the songs with the links to videos!! I'll be putting more up soon... maybe in the next week or two (if not tonight). 

And for those of you that I also follow, I'm sorry again for the lack of comments, just know that I'm still reading along and checking up on how things are for you.

Soooo... to sum it all up... I LOVE YOU ALL!!! You're amazinggg and I hope that you are doing well, staying safe, staying healthy, trying not to be too stressed out over the little things. I believe in every single one of you <3

News to me...

So I had a private session with my pilates teacher today and she stops me MID-exercise to talk to me... she was like, "do you know people worry about you?"
Excuse me? 

Basically, three girls went to her because they were worried about me (I haven't talked to them, they basically avoid me recently). Like really, if you've got somethin to say, say it to my face. If you were really worried about me, you would tell me. If you were really worried about me, you wouldn't be avoiding me.

Now I don't know exactly what they told her. But I know one of them definatly saw some cuts on my arm one time. And with the little bits they all know, I'm sure they can piece things together. Cutting, pills, eating disorder, alcohol... GREAT.

Fucking high school Part II. I don't need this shit, I can't do this again... not without my dance studio at home, I just can't. Anyway, two major things came of this for me.

1) My pilates teacher who always saw me as a very complicated person, but having everything together and being very strong and grounded all the time (which is just what I want people to see) now has a totally different view of me. She's confused about me. Proabably thinks I have issues but won't go that far to say it. I could swear when she brought it up I saw her eyes flash over to my wrist (which was conveniently covered). She like, didn't exactly know what to say so I'm assuming she knows more than just the general they're worried about me. She was asking if I had a support system, and if I feel like I suppress stuff cause I never talk to anyone about it, and if they need a reason to be worried. My answers... yes, no, no. She also did the whole if you ever need someone to talk to shpeal. 

2) I now have a totally different view of these three girls. I haven't even really talked to any of them in weeks, if not more, and I just feel like the only reason they were ever my "friends" in the first place was because they felt like they needed to babysit me. I don't need a fucking babysitter! And the fact that I worry constantly about my inability to take care of myself and if I will ever be able to do it on my own just made that such a huge deal for me.

Another part of the reason I think they used to only be there to babysit me was because they went to my teacher in part because now that we're all over the place (three of us working, on abroad, while one is in class). They said something to her about a distance thing. Oh... so they can't look out for me now?

Let me fucking take care of myself. I know I can do it. Yeah, I may fuck up a lot... but at least I'm trying. And I woke up already in a pretty bad mood (stress and no sleep)... but other than that I was doing so well. Reading (and slowly working on) recovery books. Freedom from eating disorders, having a positive body image, growing as a person, finding out who the FUCK I am.

I've even decided that i I am ever to see a therapist, who I am going to go to. The only therapist that may be able to help me (if I'm unable to help myself that is). He's a real person, unlike all the damn people I got stuck with. No fake smiles, no alter-ego, no games. Or so he says. 

I haven't called yet, but I wrote his number down in the front of his book.

Three issues:
1) I can't make that commute until summer, then would have to take a year off, and assuming I get into the grad school of my choice could go back.
2) Money? Hello?? I mean, I know my parents would do whatever they could so that I could get the help I needed... but I just don't want them to know. I don't want them to know I'm failing myself. My mom was already in therapy once before because of me. I can't stand her knowing I'm not okay. 
3) He's an internationally known ED specialist. So it won't just show up that I was in therapy when I go to get a job... it will show that is was with an internationally known ED specialist, and therefore they will know a huge part of why I was there in the first place.

So anyway... I probably had something else to say but it's late, I'm tired, I have laundry going...

I feel like a huge, fate, disgusting mess. I hate everything about myself right now. I just want to get a break. I need a break. I'll be home for three days this weekend. Hopefully I get to have some fun (and not call the boy). Then it's back here for more hell days. I can't fucking wait to get out of this dump. I'm stressin so much over not having dance here... I'll need to find classes Tues/Wed and then everything else I'll have to do at home or nearby. This means paying extra for dance. Time to save up!!

Anyway, I'm out... that was a really brief overview of why I dislike the human population so much. Kids are great, the little guys know whats up. But it's the big people I can't stand. Nothing against you guys, you're all sweet and supportive... but I don't have many of those kind of people outside of here. Not really, not that I can trust....

Well... goodnight (or morning depending on where you are in the world). I hope you are all well <3