Monday, January 31, 2011

Yup... I sunk that low...

I hate being sick... especially when it means I can't work out and that I'm stuck in my apartment all fucking day. I hate it. I feel fat and gross and dirty and ugly and stupid and worthless. I hate my life right now. I want to throw up... but I'm not that kind of sick. I have a sore throat. I hate it. I hate feeling this way. I want it to stop. I want to go to the gym. I need to dance. It's really warm in here. Maybe I can sweat the sick out. I keep taking sudafed and vitamin C. I hate being sick so much! My skin feels oily. My arms feel jiggly. My legs feel huge. I'm so over this crap!


What is it about seeing my own blood that's so relieving? It amazes me how something so small can cause so much damage.


I sunk to a whole new level today. I literally dissected my razors (like the ones I use for shaving) and took all the blades out because mine have gotten so dull. They don't make it easy to get them out either... it was a process, and I got a few cuts on my hands and fingers just trying to get them out. But I think I have it down to a science now. 


I'm laying down now... my pile of small blades still sitting on my desk... 


I started at my wrist, as per usual, but since I'm going for a tattoo on Saturday I know P is gonna ask me to see the first one... so I just have a scratch there. I started going further up my arm though... just below the elbow. And of course, the top of my leg is a sheer mess.


This really needs to stop.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Borderline?

Trying to put myself in a better mood and not break down right now. Nights are always so rough. Nights are lonely. I don't sleep at night. I hate it. I'm so tired. I can't sleep.


I think I may have borderline personality disorder... or at least something very close. Yet another reason not to go to therapy. I mean, I don't like talking about this stuff and I don't want to. Not in a therapy session. It's awkward. But on top of it I think I have this underlying fear of being diagnosed with even more shit. I hate diagnoses. I hate being labeled. I hate it. 


I feel huge. My ass is way to big. My thighs are atrocious. My arms are flabby. I don't have the distinct jawline I once had. Don't even get my started on my stomach. And my hips. Oh my god. I hate it all. I hate all of me. 


I need serious fucking help. I don't want help. I just want someone to hold me and make me feel okay. I want to feel safe. I felt safe with C... safe from myself... safe from this hellhole I call my life. 


This is all straight from Mayo Clinic



Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is an emotional disorder that causes emotional instability, leading to stress and other problems.
With borderline personality disorder your image of yourself is distorted, making you feel worthless and fundamentally flawed. Your anger, impulsivity and frequent mood swings may push others away, even though you desire loving relationships.
Borderline personality disorder affects how you feel about yourself, how you relate to others and how you behave.
When you have borderline personality disorder, you often have an insecure sense of who you are. That is, your self-image or sense of self often rapidly changes. You may view yourself as evil or bad, and sometimes may feel as if you don't exist at all. 
I also read that eating disorders, anxiety, depression, stress disorders (PTSD), mood disorders, and substance abuse can go along with BDP.

It's a lot about being emotionally unstable. I don't think that I really have it... I dunno, I just seem to have a lot of the symptoms but it's not really that bad in me that it would be diagnosed. Unless I went somewhere because they just like to diagnose and label everyone that comes through the door.

I dunno... my whole life I've just known there was something wrong with me. I was off in some way. When I was little I used to think I had some disease that no one had ever heard of before. Like I was the first to have it. I knew I was fucked up from the very start.

I really don't know where I'm going with this post... I guess I just wanted to share...

Friday, January 28, 2011

And then...

Sorry for the absurd number of posts today. Ugh... so let me just tell you I was still feeling good today. That all kinda went to hell after the show. I even kept it together wearing these god awful costumes. Ugh. Whatever. I'm going to bed soon. 


This isn't one of my best videos, I literally just threw it together about 5-10 minutes ago. I was posting videos like crazy on everyone's facebook walls today so that's what most of those are. 


Shit I can't keep my eyes open.



Goodnight. I hope everyone has a lovely day tomorrow :)
And I'm up to 55 followers! Damn... I didn't realize I had anything to say was worth reading. Maybe at some point tomorrow I'll tell you all about my idea for choreographing in our next concert. I have to propose the piece either the 8th or the 9th of February. Something like that...


Okay, really though. Goodnight. 


Oh... and one last thing. I'm thinking of making a video just for you guys... something inspirational. I dunno what yet though <3

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Wow

I just realized that my actual fear of food didn't come until after treatment. After they made me gain too much weight too fast and way before I was anywhere near mentally ready. I may have gotten skinny, I may have skipped meals, exercised, ate small amounts, ate healthy foods... but I wasn't AFRAID of food. 


God, that place fuckin ruined my life. I have nothing against treatment... but this place was just. Ugh. It's the reason I hate hospitals. And I wasn't the only one who had a bad experience there.

Bones

I'm starting to feel my bones a little more... collar bones, ribs, hip bones. Sometimes I tap or hit them just to make sure they're still there. I still have a shit-ton of fat covering them, but maybe I'm finally loosing some weight again? My ass is still freakishly huge... and my legs. And I hate hate hate my arms. Eww gross. 


I realized today that one of my ribs sticks out more than the rest. Not like one side, but actually one rib. It's the 7th or 8th down on my right side. My next tattoo is going on that side. I don't know if I ever told you guys what it was...? Anyway it's an under boob tattoo :) Haha. I'm getting it next week. I designed the hearts kind of, its a red and pink one overlapping and then it's going to say 'you can be loved...' 


If you go to my 'breathe' page at the  very bottom there is a picture I made of the poem I got that from. It's my absolute favorite... and the way I see it, if it's tattooed on my body I have to believe it. Right? So anyway, I've had some whole grain goldfish and raisins today. I've taken a few diet pills. I'm out of expel, I really like those ones. Trip to Rite-Aid soon? So yeah... I'm planning on grabbing a protein bar before my jazz class and then I won't have anything between then and the show. I'm only in two pieces and don't do much in either so I'm at no risk for passing out. Besides I have been minimally eating so I know I'll be okay. I do have apples... so tomorrow I will have an apple. I need to get back into eating my fruits.


I'm literally sitting here listening to music, dancing, and feeling my collar bone. I'm such a weirdo! I need all this belly fat shit to be gone though. I'm not really nervous about the booby tattoo even though I'm sure it'll hurt, but I don't want him to see all my fatness. Or rather, I don't like that he's going to. I don't care if he sees a boob. Honestly, having him see my wrist was SO much worse than anything else would ever be. 


Not what I'm getting, just the placement :)


I bruised my left hip last night at dress rehearsal. I landed on it out of a roll. Oops, haha that's never happened before. But I don't mind when I bruise in bony spots (or what I want to be bony) because it somehow makes me feel smaller. I'm still in a decent mood... surprisingly. I'm going to go work on my abs and do some leg weights and a few things for these grotesque arms before class. I have about 2 hours... I should be able to get enough done by then.





Snow snow snow...

I just walked back to my apartment from dress rehearsal in this god awful weather. Oh man. Interesting walk though. I'm not gonna say much right now, I'll update this post later cause I really wanna dance right now and choreograph. Anyway, another amazing video. This one kinda makes me forget about C (a little bit)... hot men and the lyrics... it's all good :) I am IN LOVE with 57 seconds <3



Okay, so it's morning now... we had a 2 hour delay, not that I was planning on going to my 9:30am class anyway. So I have a dance class 3:30-5 and then call for the show is at 6pm. I'll just hang out there. 

Oy, and I have a pimple on the inside of my nose... oh. my. god. Hurts like a BITCH! Even just moving my nose, like if I wiggle it... ow!



I'm happy I didn't get sick (yet) I'm gonna take some more vitamin C, I was popping them last night when I got back. Walking back was rough. It was me and one of the other dance majors, P. Wow, well.. I got brain freeze, almost fell, got stuck in the snow (this always happens though), we were in the middle of the street and had no idea, then the snow was up past my knees so we HAD to walk in the tire tracks in the street because nothing was plowed. And the snow hurt too! We just screamed and made awkward noises the whole way back. I can't really see what it looks like out now cause I have a view of a brick wall and that's it. Kind of sucks, but I love everything else about my apartment.


I think I'm gonna stay here next year too... Yeah, I am. 


Oh and Friday night, C sent me a picture of his daughter... she's a cutie. I also talked to the guy that did my tattoo to see if he'd be around next weekend for my next one and he was like "for u of course babe" and then he sent a heart. I love this guy! I love bein called babe, and cutie, which he has also said to me. I would so much rather be the cute, adorable girl than be hot or sexy. Maybe on night if I'm going out I wouldn't mind hot or sexy... but in general... I like to be cute. I think that I have a cute personality to go with it. Plus I'm a goofball... and I love being a goofball. I love when guys are goofy too (hence why I love 57second in the video). 


I don't have much to say, just a little rambling. It's all good... things are going alright.I just woke up, so yeah. I should try to get some tanning in today but I really don't wanna use my own money because all I have is like $30 and I need more than that for my tattoo... I'm thinking like, $60? Damn... gotta double that shit. I was counting on at least getting paid for some of the pilates classes I'm teaching but I won't get paid right away. Oy. That was gonna be my tanning money ($15 a class... this term I would only get paid for one of my two classes so $15 a week). Damn.


Hope you're all well!







Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Morning my beauties :)

Woke up at 7am... I have a 9am class... looked out the window, and my exact thoughts were "HELL NO!" Fucking snow, haha. So, now it's almost 10... I'm sitting in my PJs munching on a few whole grain goldfishies... all I plan to have today. I have 2 dance classes, 2 hours of pilates, company warmup, and dress rehearsal. I should shower. 


THIS MADE MY MORNING. Absolute BEST way to start the day. I recorded part of it on my phone and sent it out to a few of my friends. I am going to watch this every morning. I have it on repeat now. Oh my god! Amazing. Why in the hell have I never seen this before?!?



I kind of want to oil myself up put on a bikini and dance now. And if I was skinny, I'd already be ALL OVER that shit! Haha, wow... I'm a freak :) I don't care. I kind of love me. Well, who I can be. Damn, I'm in a good mood. See what hot guys that can move their bodies can do to a person?


I won't be done until 11 the earliest but probably closer to midnight... later actually. Ouch. I do really need to stop skipping classes though. But damn this snow! Fuck that.


I'm in a decent mood, sorry for my potty mouth. What can I say? I curse on a daily basis, sometimes like a sailor. People think it's funny sometimes the things that come out of my mouth... apparently I'm the quiet, innocent one. Fuck that. Wow, that's like my thing... I just realized how much I say that. I should really stop. I always hold it in around kids though, I'm real good about that. 


So how is everyone's morning going? I think I can start mine off with a little more inspiration... not that the video wasn't inspiration enough!









~~

Update - So I just got out of my first dance class for the day. I realized that I like not being perfect. I mean, I guess I kinda new that already because when my life was 'perfect' to me, there were still things wrong but I was okay with them which is why I was happier. But I was in class and my hair was a mess and I was kind of a mess but I loved it. It is an unbrushed mess on the top of my head! I loved having my hair in my face and all over the place... not in a perfect ponytail but having bumps... not 100% straight but with some curls here and there from the snow wetting it. I was LOVING it! Wow. Today is pretty decent. I like this. I mean, I'm know I'm still not happy... but today I kind of am. Today I'm dealing a little better, accepting a little more... today I'm trying to just be me, whoever that is .

Also, I did have a protein bar after modern and before hip hop, pilates, warm-up/dress rehearsal.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

And you're still alright....

I just realized that I do have things in my life to be proud of myself for.... even if one of them is just getting out of bed in the morning. 


Baby steps my darlings... I will take baby steps.


You  know what I don't get though? How when a sad song comes on... I keep listening to it.





Key word there... WAS. This song makes me think of C so much. Yesterday I wasn't that bad in regards to the whole C situation. Today this song came on, and now I can't stop playing it... he wanted to put up with me. I just keep seeing the image of that text in my head.


"I wanted to put up with u"


He knows how completely insane I am and he wanted to put up with me. 


I held it in until I got back to my apartment. Then I fell apart. I'm sort of zoned out right now... I feel like I'm gonna break down again any minute. I wish my friend S (the one in another country for forever) was still here. I wish he still lived across the hall. I wish I could just knock on his door and say "I need a hug". I wish C was here. I wish he wasn't making me feel this way. I've never felt this way because of a boy. How can one person... make you feel so much?


It's fine. I'll get through it somehow... Baby steps. I may be sad today, but god dammit I got out of bed.


~~ 


Update: After posting this I wrapped myself up and laid down in a sad little ball... maybe after half hour-forty minutes I hear the little skype ringy sound... it was S. We talked for a little over an hour. I feel much less sad right now. I swear he has perfect fucking timing. Let's hope it lasts :)


Oh, and a teacher told our class yesterday to stop trying to be so perfect. It kinda hit home for me... well... I mean I was looking right at me when he said it. I know it's because he read my paper where I said that I'm just never good enough for myself.





I just want to be happy...

I wish I could be okay. Is happiness really too much to ask for? The way I see it... I have three options in life.


1) be thin and happy
2) be a "healthy" weight/fat and miserable
3) not be at all


The first option is my favorite. The third seems the most logical at this point. If I live in #2 any longer I'm not gonna have a choice but to end it. Either way, it's like a scale. I can go one of two ways from where I am now. Problem is I've been here so long, the best option seems like it could never be reached.


I am sorry to all of my followers for my long, ranty, depressing posts... especially lately. And to those who always comment (you know who you are)... thank you. So much.

Monday, January 24, 2011

It's not supposed to be this way, I'm so far from okay.

Sometimes all it takes is a few of the best people in the world to remind me how amazing I am. I seem to forget.  Everyone is always reminding me... but I never listen.


Wow. Well this is going to take like all day to get down and it's going to be a really long post. Sorry in advance.


And why the fuck did I just eat that bowl of cereal? Now I feel gross and disgusting and my tummy hurts! Ugh!! I hate myself... and I'm having pictures of me dancing taken the next three days, then performing the three days after. Fuck.


Anyway, thats not what this post is about. This is post is to say that for the first time ever... a boy made me cry. Yupp, I said it. And I'm not happy about it. This has never happened to me before.


Let's call him C. C lives across the country. He left not long after we met. C also has a 3-4  month old baby girl. So what's any of that have to do with me?


Well, C is one of the only people I have ever felt like I could trust... and I have no idea why this is. He also makes me feel safe. All he ever had to do was hold me and I felt safe... safe from myself mostly. 


But like I said, C is gone. 


So, what's our story? Well... I met C when I was currently in a relationship with T. It didn't last long. So after that was over I started hooking up with C. This was freshman year of college... let's say, around Feb. because I spent Valentine's Day dancing in his room with him. Well, about a week after we met, he told me that he had to leave school because of financial stuff. It kind of sucked. I didn't want him to go... but he had to. He would come visit a lot though. At first. He would stay for a good two weeks straight and we would take turns signing him into the dorm. It was almost like he never left. 


Then he wasn't around  anymore... and we slowly lost touch. It made me sad. Then I found out he was across the country for school. That's fine, I had always just assumed he would come back. We still chatted via text randomly. Not a lot at all. But I always got excited to see I had a text from him. He knows me pretty damn well. And I didn't mind when he teased me. He called me a stripper all the time cause I'm a dance major and it was just funny. Anyway... now he's across the country.


Over the summer... we were talking one night. I was on my road trip and I dunno who texted who but he happened to catch me on a bad night so when he asked me if I had a boyfriend yet I told him no and that I doubted I would because guys don't like me. The next day he text me, "Hey Miss Insecure". It was funny... I dunno. Anyway, we were talking and he told me he was going to have a baby girl. I wasn't sure at first because he always messes with me... but it was true. He was worried about being a dad, which I know he'll be amazing at. So I told him that. Since then, we've talked a few times. There have been a few drunk texts here and there... nothing serious.


So, how'd C make me cry?


Oh God... here I go.
I think the easiest thing would be to just get the whole conversation out there, maybe with a few inserts of my own thoughts. Ever other text he sent me made my heart sink a little deeper, made my head hurt a little more, and made me think about what the fuck I was doing with my life. 


Here we go:
(By the way, my phone had once again deleted my sent messages... I'll try my best I know what I said who cares if it's not word for word.)


Him: hey
Me: heyy what's goin on
Him: not a whole lot just bored what are you up to
Me: just at rehearsals all day
Him: So y r u texting me crazy
Me: i have a little bitty break between pieces so im just layin on the steps in the theatre
Him: That cant be too comfy
Me: it actually is... its a great way to crack your back :)
Him: Hows school goin
Me: eh... its goin


(Here's where it starts)


Him: Still no boyfriend?
Me: no and i doubt that'll happen anytime soon
Him: Lol y not
Me: because im entirely too insane and no guy would want to put up with me 
Him: I wanted to put up with u
Me: ?
Him: Lol, when I was there but I had to leave. I wanted more time with you.
Me: exactly, you had to leave
Him: And what does that mean
Me: I dunno... it means you had to leave. I would've liked more time with you too.
Me: I gotta blindfold myself and run on stage... I'll be back in like an hour.


When I first text him back we talked about some nonsense, blindfolds, and secrets (to which he said about my secrets "But part of u wants to tell me. Secrets r no good if no one knows. It could be our little secret.") Trouble is I really do trust him, and I know that I could always talk to him about these things. I'm just afraid to. So we talked a little more and then...


Him: So u were sad when I had to leave?
Me: well, yeah.... i wish you coulda stayed
Him: Y
Me: because i liked it when you were around
Him: Y =P
Me: okay, now you just sound like a little kid with all these y's
Him: Lol I kno, but y
Me: okay this is gonna sound weird but... youre one of the only people i ever felt like i could trust
Him: Wow, what made u feel that
Me: i dunno
Him: Well that's good to kno
Him: So then y dont u want a boyfriend?
Me: its not that i dont want one, its that no one would ever want me... especially if they really kno me
Him: Y do you always say stuff like that. I really wanted u, but you had that attitude so it made it hard
Me: what attitude?
Him: The attitude that no one would like u
Me: oh. sorry, cant really help that
Him: Ur a good catch u kno and i think we would been good together
Me: why are we having this conversation now?
Him: Cuz i dont like u being so down on urself
Me: why do you care? not asking in a mean way i just... i dunno
Him: Cuz it just blows my mind that a girl so freakin gorgeous as u doesnt have any self esteem, and im not saying that offensively. has anyone told u how beautiful u are?
Me: im not
Him: Wow dont say that, u have no idea how pretty u r.
Me: im not pretty. im not anything.
Him: Only if u keep thinking like that. when i saw you for the first time it blew my mind and i thought this girl is way out of my league and too pretty for me, but im gonna talk to her anyway. And ive never been one to believe in myself so that was a huge step for me. it just kills me that you think that.
Me: im not out of your league, im not out of anyones league. and im happy that you could believe in yourself, thats always a good thing
Him: right, so try believing in urself. cause i thought i have no bussiness talkin to this girl but screw it cuz i want to anyway. Then its just so ironic that u acted like u werent worth anyones time.
Me: i just dont see how anyone could ever like me when i hate myself so much.
Him: Y do u hate urself
Me: i dunno, i just do. i always have.
Him: But y. U didnt think u were pretty? or smart? What is it?
Me: i dont like how i look or act. ive always been the dumb one. its just everything.
Him: Did u ever think u just hung around the wrong people all the time?
Me: why would that matter?
Him: Maybe it wouldnt, but if they made u feel stupid or not good enough then yea
Me: ive been this way as long as i can remember. i think my brains just fucked up.
Him: Well u can always fix that
Me: how?
Him: Thats somethin u have to figure out on ur own. When i focus on a quality i dont like about myself i think how can i fix it, so i dont stop trying til i fix it. I didnt like that i thought i wasnt good enough to talk to this stunningly gorgeous girl, so i did it anyway. I just didn't think that she was thinking the same things about herself.
Me: i mean... at this point i kno there will always be days when i feel like a worthless piece of shit... and if anything the only thing i can really do is learn to accept that.
Him: How can you say that? If thats how u wanna live then ill let u be, but u just keep digging this hole for urself and keep feeling it with misery. u keep looking for ways to dig a deeper hole instead of looking for ways out.
Me: i dont want to live like this, i just dont kno how to make it better
Him: Have u even tried?
Me: yes... but nothing ever works
Me: can i tell you something?
Him: Of course
Me: im scared
Him: Of wat
Me: of myself
Him: Wat do you mean?
Me: just how i think and the things i do when i cant deal with stuff
Him: Y dont u see a psychologist
Me: part of me knos i need help, but i cant do that. i dont like talking about this stuff and i kno how to lie to them so i would just say what they wanted to hear.
Him: U just have to find a good one, i kno the bad ones suck but if u find someone who really knos what theyre doing
Me: i cant. ive had too many bad experiences with therapy to ever trust them.
Him: Then i guess ur just gonna have to figure this out on ur own. But u have to want to change. Otherwise ur gonna live the rest of ur life in a vicious circle.
Me: i kno... thats kinda where i am now
Him: So wat do u want me to do or say? Nothing? U just want me to leave u alone and keep making nothing out of urself? I will if thats wat u want
Me: no... i dunno i just dont kno what to do
Me: im sorry by the way
Him: For wat
Me: for being such a psychotic mess
Him: Stop. I dont see u that way
Me: well that makes one of us :)
Me: you kno, i still miss you
Him: Don't miss me too much


I talked to him a little bit online later that night. It just kills me that we can have this conversation and talk about all of this and he knows me so well yet he's still willing to talk to me and he doesn't think that I'm completely insane. Or if he does, he doesn't care. None of this bothers him the way I'm always afraid it will bother people. He understands, or he's trying to. And he always knows what to say, and is honest. There may be a few things left out from that simply because I forgot what I said and couldn't figure it out from his response but for the most part its all there. When we talked later, we were just joking around like we always do. 


I just hate it that he can make me feel this way. That he lives so far away. And that none of this phases him in the way I was always afraid. I just don't know what I did three years ago to make him be able to see inside of me. Like, I know now, I'm pretty damn obvious about how I feel about myself simply because I just don't care anymore... but I used to be so much better at hiding it, and I didn't feel nearly as bad about myself as I do now. I just don't know how he figured out that I don't think I'm worth anyones time.


Anway, I called J after talking to him even though we haven't talked in like a week. I was in tears and I called her because I was mad at myself for crying... and for crying over a guy. I never cry over guys. That's not who I am. I'm not the girl that needs to depend on some guy to make her happy. I'm not the girl who lets other people put me down. I'm the only one that every puts me down. I take full blame for what I do to myself... I know that it's no ones fault but mine. Anyway... she picked up and all I said was hi, then she asked what I was doing and I said I was just laying on my futon wrapped in a blanket or whatever and she could tell from my voice something was wrong. So I finally broke down and told her boys aren't supposed to make me cry. Those were actually my exact words... as I was crying. We talked for a while and whatever. Then T called me because I had text her earlier saying boys are icky and I hate them all. She kind of forgot about the whole C thing and wanted to talk more about the stuff that he brought up and she was asking me if I was happy, which I obviously lied to her about. She didn't fall for it. She told  me that she looks up to me and that kills me and I told her not to. She doesn't know about the ED or the cutting or any of that. I don't want her to know. I don't want her to worry.


After that I talked to a friend form school for a little while, and then I was talking to T (my ex). We're actually closer than we have been and I ended up telling him about when I was diagnosed with anorexia. I asked him if he remembered what I looked like in high school and his response was 'I used to check you out three times a week of course I remember'... which made my laugh for the longest time. I felt so much better after that. And I apologized to him like 5,000 times. He said it was aggravating that I always come up with this stupid questions for him because he really likes me and I'm a great person of whatever. Everyone pretty much knows I'm insane at this point. 


I talked to my friend from school a little bit later that night again and told her about what T said and she was like 'all these men!' so I was like, 'yeah... apparently I'm good looking or something'. She knows I hate the way I look too. I'm pretty sure everyone does. It's not something that I hide well. I blatantly avoid cameras and mirrors. I will literally face the back of the dance studio or stand in the corner so I can't see myself. 


I just... I dunno. This whole thing is so confusing. Things would have been so different if he hadn't left, if we'd had this conversation three years ago. Ugh. I hate thinking of the what ifs. This shouldn't bother me. So what if I feel like I can trust him and he makes me feel safe? Who gives a fuck? He's across the country with a 3-4 month old daughter and never coming back. I'm never going to see him again. 


I mean, I know that I'm an amazing person. I just can't see that right now. I have too much fat covering my amazing-ness.  I feel like when I'm thin is the only time I'm ever happy, the only time I wasn't cutting, the only time I felt confident. But I'm not thin anymore. I'm not strong. I'm not happy. I'm not pretty. I'm not anything.


My goal for everyday is to just stay alive. 
That's it.


You know how people say to do one thing everyday that scares you? Well living scares me. I scare me. I'm afraid of what I might do to myself, what I am doing to myself... everyday.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Late Night Insanity

So of course today was less than okay, as per usual. There was a costume thing that I wasn't all too happy about. Anyway, I'm wide awake in the middle of the night and not really okay, so I decided to run down to the gym in my apartment complex real quick. It's 24 hours so it's great... but with all of this damn construction and whatnot it was closed.


Now, I didn't know this prior to going down because I've been using the campus gym lately and haven't really been to the one here in a while. Anyway, it was closed... and it's frigid out. Needless to say, I'm fuckin pissed off. I would've just went for a run, but it's cold and super icy. I don't really care about the whole being alone at 1 something AM in a city by myself... it's whatever. 


So anywhere, here I am... perfectly painted black nails, speed walking around the courtyard of my apartment complex chain smoking cigarettes at 1:30am. I haven't smoked in weeks. Oh how I missed it...


I would work out more in my apartment but I have a friend stayin here tonight, I'll wait until she's asleep and do some abs and maybe more leg weights if I can find them in the dark.


This is my life. Wow. Really... who does shit like this? Trying to burn calories while smoking... in the middle of the night... outside in the icy cold weather...


Yeah... late night insanity is what it is.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

No Words :)









Youtube....

So I'm probably going to put my link up for my youtube for you guys... or just start putting pictures up here. I don't like the idea of pictures of me being around the things that I say... just in case, but oh well. I might just delete my youtube account and put my videos up here because I can't make that private so most of my videos are unlisted. I try to make happy and inspirational videos but then with that comes with all of the depressing ones. Just like this blog. I try to be upbeat, but it's just been so difficult lately. I apologize for that, really. I do want to share my videos with you guys though because I make a lot of them. I don't save them because they take up space and if anyone else is ever on my computer... yeahh, haha. So I just upload them to youtube. Yes, all of the videos I have posted on here were made by me. I have some in random entries and I also have videos some of my pages. The Alexz Johnson one isn't mine, I just wanted to share the song with you guys. And the lyric videos on my songs aren't mine. Although the song video on that page is, and I also mixed that song mash-up or whatever myself. 


Yeahh, so anyway, my youtube account is Nikki94xx. If you go to my channel you can see most of the videos and then anything with me actually is it should be unlisted. A lot of my videos are EXTREMELY triggering. Please be careful. You can tell by the thumbnails/titles which one's are happy and which ones may not be so happy. Some of them say **TRIGGERING** in the description but I gave up on that and now just have a general warning about all of my videos possibly being triggering.



I use a lot of older pictures and a lot of my videos are about when I was at my lowest weight... but this one is actually pretty damn current... like, really current. And it stays that way for most of it. It's pictures from before my tattoo but after my pink hair so a lot of holiday season pictures. I don't actually think I have any really old ones in here but that's fine. I started this one a while ago and just did the finishing touches tonight.


I'm in a decent mood considering my week and the pain that I'm currently in. I think I'm just kinda numb mentally though which is really why I'm okay or whatever. I've been exhausted lately, like really really tired. So I have to be up and at the recording studio by 8am to get some stuff recorded for my dance piece... then I really wanted to go to the zumba party at the gym from 10:30-12 but I doubt that'll happen. We'll see how I'm doing sleepynesswise. Yes, I make up my own words. 


Then I have rehearsal 1-2, 2-3, 3-4. We always run late, which could be a problem... My 1-2 is a dance that I am in, we are rehearsing on the stage. Then 2-3 I have my piece in the studio, those rehearsals will be on time. If we're running over I'll be late for my own rehearsal and it's our last one, our only one with the new text recording that we'll be doing that morning, and we have a lot a lot to get done. I need to clean the dance and talk about emotion and oh my god it's really a lot. I also have rehearsal Sunday 1-2 and 3-4. Then tech is on Monday and Tuesday, dress rehearsal on Wednsday, and we open on Thursday. Our show is 3 nights (Thurs, Fri, Sat) but the freshman show (that my piece is in) has dress rehearsal on Friday afternoon and then is on Saturday and Sunday afternoons. I have to be there for all of them. 


Five shows. 
One weekend. 
Ouch.


Okay, I'm just rambling now :) 





Friday, January 21, 2011

For my followers....

I'm Alive....

Still wish I wasn't. But I'm here. I thought you guys had the right to know after my last little freak out. I'm not doin too hot today. Exhausted. Really, exhausted. I have to be up soon. Oh my god, tomorrow is going to be such a long day. I haven't even been able to get to the gym, and I don't have money for tanning. Wow. My life sucks. Is this really how I define my life? I dunno. 


What I do know is I never understand how people think grades and whatever are so series. Like, one of my teachers was pissed at me for not checking my e-mail and made this big deal over nothing. Really? Is checking my e-mail really the  most important thing in my life right now? I physically can not move (yet I'm still dancing). And I've been spending the day trying to make sure my friend from home doesn't end up in the hospital because of her douche of an ex-boyfriend. Yeah, let me go check my fucking e-mail. Sorry I haven't been able to get to that.


It just pisses me off that some people in the world think all this shit is so important, but really, is it? We were talking about adolescents in my pediatric psychology class and how they see maybe a day into the future whereas we see much further... Personally, I don't look that far into the future, but at the same time I don't stress over the stupid little stuff. I mean I do, but not to the point of life or death situations. Really, all I'm trying to do in my life right now is stay alive. And it's hard, because I don't fucking want to be alive. I'm just hanging onto this false hope that things will get better. 


I just feel fat and disgusting and I fucking hate that the way I look or feel like I look defines my mood. I hate that something so minor controls me and consumes my life. I feel so fucking selfish all the time! 


Oh, yeah, so the dancing... I have a bad back to begin with to the point that just laying down is painful for me (I'm convinced my huge ass plays a role in this) and I have an old hip injury that makes it painful to even sit down. So the back is always acting up, the hip does now and then but it's been about 3 years so nothing as bad as when I first injured it...and it doesn't hurt right away when I sit, it takes some time. But yeah, I messed it up pretty bad again yesterday. So now, I can't sit, lay down, stand, walk, put weight on my left leg, anything. Fuck that shit. I figured it out though... the reason I can't stop dancing even when I'm hurt. I put it into words. I dance through the physical pain because I don't know how else to deal with the emotional pain.


Ughh, it's so cold in here. Boo. I don't wanna get up and turn the heat up. Sorry I'm totally just ranting right now. Typing keeps me busy. I feel like I have more to say. I don't know.


Oh, but here's an update. I'm going to be living in the same apartment next year... just me. All by my lonesome. Yupp. My friend hates that I live alone right now. Or did. I don't know, we haven't spoken in like 4 days. This is J by the way. It was whatever. I'm over it. I'm not gonna stress over this fucking shit anymore. I need to prioritize and get my life in order. 



I seriously just want to sleep. I want to be done with all this fucking shit. I want a fucking day off. Really? Is that too much to ask? I mean, and I'm honored that my piece from last concert is in our repetoire and one of the first ones to ever be reconstructed on the freshman dance company... but I didn't ask for this. I didn't ask for all of this extra work and another day of rehearsals. I literally don't have one day off. Ever. Not even holidays. How the fuck am I supposed to take care of myself under such stressful conditions?

I've been thinking about dropping out of college. I have mixed feelings about it. I really just want to go home. I could be a dance teacher. Problem solved. I am excited for my internship... but 3 more years of this shit? And the last 2 I won't be getting as much dancing in as I need. I need a certain amount of dance in my life everyday just to fucking function. I hate it. Not dance. School. I don't know what I wanna do with my life. I'm going to be terrible at helping people. I don't even know if I want to do it. I'm going to fucking burn out. Like really early on.

I've burned out so many times in my life. I've crashed through rock bottom and kept falling so many times... I don't think I can do any of it again. I really don't. And I don't want to. But I'm not strong enough to hold my shit together anymore. Oh my god, like seriously? What the fuck am I going on about?? I don't even know. Ugh. I write a lot. I'm sorry. Ughh! I hate me.

Ughh, my life.


What have I become? Who am I? I just want to cry sometimes... to not pretend I'm so strong, but I really don't even know how any more. I can't cry. I can't feel. I'm so fucking numb. I want to feel... but I'm afraid it will be too much for me to handle. I can't deal with all that. I can't keep my eyes open. I'm fucking tired. I'm too fat. I ate. I ate too much. I shouldn't have ate. I hate me. I wasn't hungry. I wasn't. I'm not. Fail. I am a fail. My life is a fail.


I'm really sorry. I'll stop boring you now.


Goodnight.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

I really just want to fucking kill myself...

Honestly, nothing would make me happier than to be dead. I'm sorry everyone who follows me and actually reads this crap for the fact that I'm so bipolar all the time. If I could actually move (old dance injuries to the back and hip flared up today) then I wouldn't be typing this right now, I would be doing something else. Who knows what will happen when I get up. Whatever. I just fucking hate this. All of it.


I just want to be gone. Off this planet. Out of this fucking hell. 


Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fucking. Fuck.


I hate my life. I hate living. I hate all of this shit. Fuck. I'm literally just sitting here thinking of what's around my apartment. What pills. How much of them. What types of cleaners. What could make fumes. Whats sharp.


I usually think of other people and how I couldn't do this to them... not that they care or anything... but I've made commitments and other people are gonna end up doing my shit if I'm gone. No one would actually miss me. But either way, when I get like this (and I'm not bad yet I'm still just thinking) I forget about all of them. All I know is I want out. 


I kind of would like to see people's reactions though, ya know? 
I would have never expected this from her.
Why would she do that?
Oh... that's too bad.


I wonder who would come to my funeral... I'm not really close enough with anyone for them to even want to come. I would just be 'the girl that killed herself'. No one knows who I am. And no one cares to know. It's whatever. I don't give a fuck anymore. As long as I don't have to fucking be here.


I'm so done with this shit.

Assumptions

So, this morning, I was just thinking about assumptions and how much what people assume of us can affect us... especially when we already know exactly what they are going to assume and therefore feel like we're letting them down. Okay, well maybe that's just me. But who knows, maybe this happens to some of you guys too and you just never stopped to think about. 






I was talking to a friend the other day and instead of him trying to fix my problems or make me better, he just listened and asked me questions. Questions that made me think. He's amazing.


Anyway, assumptions. As I'm sitting here wrapped up in my polka dot blanket and thinking about how I will be skipping yet another class this morning, something came to my attention. Now first, let me just say that I am not at all a quiet person when you get to know me well enough and once I feel safe enough to open up around you... usually. But since I am quiet around new people or new situations, or even my family because there are so many people that it intimidated me as a child, people just think that's how I am. They think I'm quiet. I hate quiet. And I think I hate it so much because that's not me. But then once I try to open up to people or I get to a somewhat safer level with them... they think it's weird. 


Now that I'm older, I've noticed this a lot in my family. All I have to do is say 'hi' and everyone freaks out and is like oh my god she's talking! Blah blah blah. After that, I stay quiet. It's embarrassing and whatever. I'm not gonna get too much into it because I just woke up and it's kind of difficult to explain.






But then since I'm 'the quiet one', people also assume that I'm smart and I go to classes and do all my work. I never do homework, I procrastinate on everything, and I miss more classes then I go to. I don't get good grades, I never have.


I still remember the day I realized I was the dumb kid in the class.


I was in kindergarten. I was 5 years old. This is the day I realized I was just plain stupid.


We all had to write out all of the numbers 1-100 and then we could go play. Everyone was playing. I wasn't even up to 20. I was actually just barely past 10. My teacher had to come over and try to help me but I couldn't concentrate because I was trying so hard not to cry. I couldn't be both the dumb kid and the crybaby. I had to stay a few minutes late and then since I still wasn't done finish the next day.


But then I used to get teachers my brother had before me. And he is smart. But I was his quiet little sister, a double whammy. So of course they assumed I was smart. I just ended up letting everyone down because I was not who or what they expected me to be.


No one really understands how badly assumptions can hurt people.






** Just as a side note. I know many of you probably know this, but I am not in therapy. I know that I need it... I can admit that now, I'm certifiably insane so it's kind of a no brainer... but I don't want therapy, I don't trusts it (this is my personal opinion, it's a good thing for you to go to if it helps!). I have just not had good experiences with it. That is why I'm blogging and trying to fix things on my own, for the most part. And this blogging has really been helping me out because when I expand on these little thoughts in my head I think it's helping me come closer to the root[s] of my problems. Which, of course, not knowing why I am the way I am is a huge part of what bothers me. Like, if I had a reason, it would be just a hair easier for  me. I don't know... either way, thank  you for reading along and for commenting. Thank you for showing me that I'm not alone and that there are people in existence to care and understand. It truly truly means the world to me. I've never been one to talk and this blog is really helping me to just get some things out.