Tuesday, January 11, 2011

I can't stop or give it up. I need to feel the pain.

So I had a bit of a minor freak out last night. I say minor because it wasn't like the previous night where I almost downed a bottle of pills. I don't really know what happened... it was just such a long, tiring day. I was exhausted and of course I never sleep. So anyway, I literally THREW every item of food I had into the trash. This includes but is not limited to: unopened boxes of cereal, juice, fruit, anything that I had cooked and frozen, jell-o, bread, etc. I am now left with coffee and alcohol. That's it. I don't even have water right now because I need to buy a case... for now I'm just buying bottles when I'm thirsty or on my way back to my apartment after class every night. 

I always feel bad when I do things like that because it's such a waste and there are people who can't afford food and I'm just the selfish bitch who willingly throws it all away. Literally, down the trash chute. I am now living off diet pills (which I need to buy more of) and water. I have, but usually don't finish, one cup of coffee in the morning... and I have the alcohol for bad days or parties. 

The last few days have just been so rough. All I can think about is how easy it would be to kill myself and how long it would take before anyone even noticed... even if I didn't live alone it's not like people would really care to find out why I had been missing. It's not that I think I ever will kill myself, I just think about it a lot more... and I guess I come closer, but I wouldn't do it. I don't think so.

Two nights ago was probably the worst... I was actually still shaking when I woke up the next day. I don't know what happened, sound familiar? All I know is I ended up locked in my bathroom attempting to purge, cutting (totally defeats the purpose of the tattoo, but I guess it'll be a slow process?), and almost taking every diet pill or any other pill I could find. I did take a handful of water pills and a few hydroxycut max's. And as I sat there starring at the open bottles all around me, all I could think was "I'm scared". I'm scared of myself, of what I might do to myself. I turned my phone on and started texting people to distract me from myself but trying not to let them know anything was wrong. The one person I really wanted to talk to didn't respond until two hours later, but he didn't know anything was wrong... it's better that way, especially with him. I think he might have known something was up though because I just text him saying, "can you talk?" He knows me too well... and he did apologize for the late response which he doesn't usually do. Either way, I was scared and alone... I ended up turning off all of my lights and getting into bed, before 8pm. I also turned my heat off so I would be too cold to even THINK of leaving my bed. I left the razor on my bedside table and there were tons of pills in my purse right by my side. But I just covered myself up and tried not to think. 

Later one of my friends figured out I wasn't having the best night, yet again. I think when she text me I was complaining about not being able to sleep and she told me to try these sleeping pills because I basically have insomnia most of the time. I responded to her by saying I didn't think it would be a good idea for me to have any kind of pills at the moment. I kind of wish I did have sleeping pills though, they really would help... but I don't think I can risk the fact that I may have other nights like that (there have been a lot of those recently actually). But having sleeping pills would just make it so much easier, I mean yeah, diet pills are an easy way to go into cardiac arrest... but... yeah, I'm just gonna stop talking about that now.

I almost wish someone knew how much pain I was really in... I wish someone actually cared. I'm absolutely insane though. People don't want to have to put up with me, and no one cares enough about me to do it anyway. I dunno. Really though, I know this sounds lame and I've never been the dependent type, but it's times like these when I really wish I had a boyfriend. Someone who would hold me through the night. Someone who could protect me from myself. Someone who I could trust.

So much for a better New Year. 

I don't know if I've mentioned how I get into agruments with people when they tell me I'm pretty, but I do. I want to share this conversation from yesterday with you guys. I was literally too exhausted to argue. I don't deny the fact I don't think I'm pretty. Everyone knows I hate the way I look. It's just always been that way. I've sort of accepted the fact that I'm not. Anyway, heres the conversation (it's this guy I've been talking to for a while, a friend of a friend, but who I've yet to meet because of my own excuses):

Me: heyy sorry i just realized i never responded to your text last night, whats up?
Him: Nothing much, just resting. U?
Me: trying not to die
Him: Lol, that's a good game plan. I was wondering since its so difficult to see you, why don't you send me pictures.

Me: i don't take pictures... the only ones i have are on my facebook
Him: Oh, why don't you take pictures?
Me: i dont like them

Him: But you're so pretty.
Me: eh
Him: What?
Me: nothing
Him: You don't think so?
Me: nopee
Him: Well I'm telling you.
Me: that doesnt mean ill believe you
Him: Why would I lie?
Me: people lie. its a fact.

Him: I know that but there's usually a reason to lie and right now I have no reason to lie! But what will help you believe me
Me: nothing. i dont believe anyone that says that. never have, even when i was a little kid. you got lucky, i usually yell at people.
Him: Why do you yell at people, that's so mean for saying something nice.
Me: cause i dont like being lied to
Him: Nicole, I'm not lying to you. I really do think you're pretty.
Me: ok then thats your opinion
Him: Yep, I' not the one to give out a compliment for the fun of it.

(Later that night after some small talk and him saying he's still trying to figure me out, to which I wished him luck since I don't even know myself.)

Him: Oh well at least I figured out something about you today
Me: ?
Him: I honestly don't know how to explain it to you.
Me: haha.. oh well anyway im gonna turn my phone off for the night
Me: oh and btw it would be totally legit to just say that im crazy.... everyone else already does. night!

This was just on my ipod and I was thinking as I sang along how this song is so true for me. Every last word... and then I realized it's not all true anymore. I've gotten to the point in my life where I've been broken so many times that I don't know if I can put all the pieces back one more time.

Well, that's enough of my ranting for now. I'm sure I have more to say but I'm not going to. I hope you're all doing well <3


  1. I'm sorry things have been so bad for you lately. If it makes you feel any better, I care. I'm here if you want to talk.