Sunday, January 2, 2011

New Year. New Me?

So I'm back at school now. Sitting alone in my apartment. I feel kind of sad right now... but I really don't want to let that get to me. I would have come later but my parents had to help me with some technical stuff and I just had a lot of crap to unpack. 

So anyway, I haven't really done an update in a while so I thought I would tell you about me year so far... starting from New Years Eve of course.

A group of us (4-5) were planning on doing something together New Years Eve and like a day or two before I got in a huge fight with one of the girls (I've talked about her a lot in the past). Anyway because of that I didn't spend New Years with her in NYC. I ended up having absolutly nothing to do and during the day got an e-mail from her listing 20 things she can no longer talk to me about (ED, cutting, sex, boys, dance, the gym... it was basically everything). So that put me in a really bad mood (I had already been in a shit mood since Christmas Eve, which I'm sure you can tell from some of the last few posts). I starred at the e-mail for over an hour hysterical in tears thinking about what I horrible person I was and I was texting people to tell me jokes and just keep me distracted and whatever. 

So anyway, one of my other friends who was going to be with us NYE but had strep a few days earlier also had kind of a rough day. So we decided to get shitfaced together. Now, it doesn't take much to get me drunk... and I don't need to be wasted so I didn't get wasted, I got drunk. We missed the ball drop. She was lecturing me to ring in the new year. I really needed it though and I felt so much better after talking to her. She tried to get me to name three things about myself that I like, that when I look in the mirror I wouldn't want to change. I couldn't come up with anything. So she said that I need to find those things and in the mean time do things that make me feel good about myself, tanning is one of those things. She also assured me that, yes, while we don't talk as much as we used to... nothing has ever changed and she will always be there for me and would drive two hours to come see me and spend a weekend whenever I needed it. She also told me that our other friend would do the same. Now, the girl I spend NYE with really does know pretty much everything about me, always has. The other one... knows bits and pieces because I don't ever want her to worry... she will, she has. 

So she left and I went to bed, woke up the next morning drunk. I had some coffee, got dressed, and was really in the mood to go shopping at the mall (I bought a new mascara for $25, it's good... but I don't know if it's $25 worth good). So the girl I had been in the fight with wanted to stop by and drop of Christmas gifts for me and my mom... yeah. I hate when my friends are friends with my mom. Everyone likes her better than me but whatever. She came by and I was like I want to go to the mall, so a few hours later after she had showered we went to the mall. I got my mascara, and almost smuggled the most adorable puppy home! I named him Stanley. He is a puggle. And he's absolutely adorable! 

After leaving the mall we decided to see if the guy that was going to do our tattoos was in today. He said he would be around 4. So, we went back to her house for a little bit (first time I've ever been in there) where I got to hold a kitty and then we headed to the tattoo place. We went to school with the guy (her for 4 years and me for 1 because I transferred in and out of high school). He did remember my face though and he is amazing! Like, I want to hang out with him all the time. We spent almost 5 hours there because I couldn't figure out what font I wanted and the size was hard, but he did it little for me! It was so much fun though like seriously I could hang out there all day. He came in just for me so it was just the three of us and he let me put my ipod in so the whole (little) tattoo parlor was blasting Blood on the Dance Floor songs... to which I was dancing the ENTIRE time. 

I seriously love when I meet people and can immediately be myself with them because it's extremely rare for me. And we talked a lot and he's pretty good looking :) 

But it was just the most amazing experience of my life. I was like his 60th tattoo ever! And it was free I just gave him a tip. Oh my God, he was so so patient! And he was just like you two are insane it was so much fun I can't even describe it I would live those few hours over and over again if I could. Some of the stuff you just had to be there, like the sound effects he was making, especially when we left. Hysterical. 

It was hard for me though and super awkward because it's on my forearm/wrist where I have scars and obviously he could see them and to get it in the spot I want it I was like 'you see that line, that's where the E goes' because the tattoo does overlap with the scarring. The last E was the most painful and is still a little red and looks kinda odd because it's on the old scar tissue but it's fine. I think I like it more that way. He didn't ask about the scars either, he just said he saw it and lined it up the way I asked. My friend said she was proud of me for letting someone stare at my wrist for so long (and so closely) because I get this weird feeling when my wrist is exposed. I also feel so close to him now because he knows that now and has seen my wrist and because he gave me an awesome tattoo and was just the most amazing guy ever to hang out with.

So after that we planned on drinking with the girl I spent NYE with. She text me on our way back she had the worst night so we picked her up immediately and went to my house to drink. Didn't get wasted. But it was so so much fun. She had to leave that night and the other girl stayed over. Sometime in the night we skyped a friend of ours which was so fun and I was talking to another friend I haven't talked to in a while from school and we're going to try to get together more. I really hope it works he's so sweet and amazing. He knows about the ED now because I showed him my new tattoo and then told him how I almost got a second one right there. But my second one is the red/purple NEDA thing on the back of my neck. I want to be fully recovered when I get that one so it's a symbol of my recovery and what I've overcome and I told him it was a recovery thing but wouldn't say anymore. And he goes 'oh wait, is that the NEDA symbol?' So yeah, and he's been around me with food in the past and told me he was worried about me and always wanted to make sure I was eating. 

But he was so sweet about it and asked if I was recovered, I said no I was working on it and he said he's cheering for me. I really do hope I get to see him more. I miss him. So that was the end of my night last night, attempted to youtube the ball drop and had the PERFECT timing but our video just showed coupled making out so it was a total fail. 

Then I just packed and headed back to school where I am sitting now and writing to all of you :)
I really do like that I got my tattoo on the first day of the year, and part of the reason it's there is a) dance and b) so I'll be less likely to cut my wrist.
Haha, before he started I was freaking out with the sound of it and him and my friend AT THE SAME TIME just said 'breathe'. It made my day, really. 

So things may be looking up for me a little bit. The new year so far has been treating me well. And now I have this amazing permanent reminder so I don't go and fuck things up again.


  1. I love your tatoo =)
    I´m glad you had a good time! I´m sure you´ll make up with your friend soon

  2. I love the new tattoo!!!
    glad things are going well for u :)
    keep positive

  3. Happy New Year

    xoxo from rome