So I have to tell you how truley amazing the few friends that I do have are. Now, the last couple of days have been sucking big time and it's just everything I'm not going to get too into it because I don't wanna think about it. But basically the usual, I feel gross and disguisting, no guy is ever going to want me, I'm never gonna get married, blah blah blah. So my best freind, J, the one that I talk about a lot and get into a lot of fights with because we're similar (yes I'm finally giving names so it's less confusing) kind of knows whats going on.
So last night I was texting her and I was just really sad the last few nights... so I told her 'I don't know how not to hate myself' and she told me that I was going to learn... and that she was going to help me. I also, knowing the answer to the question asked her, 'Is it bad that i wish I didn't care so much about other people because if I didn't I would've killed myself by now?' and she didn't say yes like I was expecting but she said no because she feels the same. So my response was how all I can think about ever, is how easy it would be. She said, 'It is, but you go, I'm going after you'. Talk about a reason to stay alive, I would never want anything to happen to her! So eventually I was like why am I bothering her with all my problems so I told her to stop making me talk to her and to go out and do something fun. She told me that she was here weither I liked it or not.
So really didn't respond to texts after that except for two people, one who I texted because I tried to go to sleep and couldn't becasue I was thinking so much, and another because he text me and I needed a distraction. So I text my guy friend, S, and he was really sweet. He's not the type of person I can talk to about things but I can talk to him about nothingness and be distracted from my life. So he was like 'I hope I'm your favorite guy friend to talk to'. So I told him that he didn't have to worry because pretty much all the guys I knew where being complete assholes, and then when he asked why I told him it was for different reasons but basically I feel like guys are nice to me and pretend to care because they know I'm crazy. His response: 'I think you're perfect <3'. Sweet, even coming from him. I said 'far from it' and he goes, 'well that's my opinion'.
So then I get a phone call from my friend B, who is a mutual friend with J, and about two years younger than us. We really don't know each other that well yet, but he's a sweetheart and I absolutely love him! I didn't pick up but I listened to the voicemail right away. He said he was talking to J and that's why he called me, he was also a tad bit drunk :)
Anyway, I asked J later what she told him and I think that she told him more than what she told me she did, but I actually don't think I minded that much because it was him and his voicemail totally made up for it and it really did but me in a better mood. J called after I was texting her about his voicemail and we laughed on the phone for a good two hours about nonsense. But anyway he was like... he told me I'm hot like 20 times and that I'm the shit and I'm amazing and I have nothing to worry about because I'll get married and I'll get fucked (the part J isn't telling me she told him, only about two people in the world know how sensitive I am about being a virgin and how at 21 I already feel like I'm never gonna get married) and that I'll have kids and I'm an amazing dancer and he loves me. He started out with, 'I'm talking to Jen and I know you're having some problems right now but don't worry because...'. And just, it was just a hysterical voicemail. The two of them are coming down in a few weeks for my dance performance and then we're gonna go out that night after the show :)
My other two friends, T (I've known he since I was 3) and K (the one I spent NYE with) are also amazing and I think I've wrote of other times they were there for me and how they tell me they always will be. I didn't text either of them last night because I hate to bother people but K was the one that gave me the NYE lecture. So yeah, I woke up feeling a little bit better, although when I went to relisten to the voicemail I came across the voicemail from Renfrew summer of 2009 or whatever saying I needed to be in their IOP. I got a new phone so I was not expecting that, but it's whatever. Don't ask me why I don't just delete it, I really don't know.
I also talked to my friend S during the day, he's the one that transferred out of my school and left the country, but he always makes me laugh and I don't even have to tell him if anythings wrong he just always makes me feel better like he has a sixth sense of something, even online.
I love these people <3