The ones that matter...

I've learned that the one thing in life I'm actually good at, is pushing people away. And I'm lucky enough to have a small handful of people who aren't afraid to tell me what an idiot I am and love me regardless. Even though I don't see or even talk to any of those people on a daily basis, I don't know where I would be without them. I would do anything for them <3 And in the end, they're the only ones that matter. 

Blah.

I should be over it. This whole boy thing. It's been over a week now and I just can't seem to stop thinking about it. Just more proof that no one wants me/will ever want me. Great.


So I just got out of the shower. I need to put makeup on, dry/straighten my hair, get my shit together, go tanning, get to the theatre uber early to get a pair of shorts from the costume shop, and then I have dress rehearsal and a performance tonight. Awesome. I don't wanna go. Oh, and I only have about 2 hours to get there for the shorts otherwise I'm screwed.


Just a note about my internship, cause I don't think I ever actually told you guys what I'm doing. I eventually want to be a dance movement therapist, so the woman I'm working for has her own practice run out of her house... which is why her husband and 2 cats are always around. I'm hoping by next week I'll get to actually see some clients... that's the most exciting part about all of this.


I don't really have much to say right now. Kinda blah. I feel like I may be coming down with a cold, I've felt like this all week actually and have been taking medicine sporadically when I feel like it. I'm gonna go visit my friend at school tomorrow and be back in time for Sunday rehearsal. Should be a 3+ hour drive to get there from here. 


My apartment is a disaster right now. I really need to clean but just haven't had the energy... It's not parent proof so I'll have to figure something out so they don't come up here since they'll be in town for my performance tonight.

I don't think I'm gonna go out with everyone after the show. 
a) I don't want the calories of alcohol tonight.
b) I just don't enjoy being around them. They aren't real friends. Just... people I know.
c) I don't want any accidental texts/calls to the boy in a drunken state. If he wanted to talk to me, he would've by now. I just need to get the fuck over it.


I'm still nursing the headache I've had all morning so I'm gonna get going and see what I can get done. Hopefully I can get my ear pierced tomorrow but I STILL haven't been paid from teaching pilates last term. It's only $105 total but I want my fuckin money.


Whatever... anyway, I hope you are all well <3

Bored bored bored....

So first thing is based off a lot of comments I've been getting and I just want to clear something up. I do still dance. I am a dance major. But dancing at my college is nothing like the dance I used to do at my studio, there's no competitions, it's not as much dancing, it's not as intense dancing, it's not with my family that I had been dancing with since I was only 6 years old, it's not the same. I dance as much as humanly possible, I may not even graduate on time because I take so many dance technique classes and put off all of my "academic" classes. 


I can go on about that for days but that's not really why I was posting.


I don't really have any major reason actually. I got a new phone! So excited! I got the iPhone. My ringtone quacks! It's amazing!!! And of course the first thing I did was sync some music up to it and set up the ipod/nike app and download more apps for nutrition/fitness/calorie counters and ect. 


I absolutely suck at painting my nails. But I already knew that :)


And on a more serious note, being home is boring as all hell. I usually spend majority of my time with J. I broke down and apologized last night. Doesn't matter who started it or who was in the wrong, leave it long enough and I will always find a way to blame myself... even without her help of telling me what a shitty friend I am. Hell, I could find a way to blame world hunger or global warming on myself if you let me. So anyway, I figure, while I'm home, and still not 100% blaming myself for what happened, I  might as well step up and be the bigger person. Again. Her response was a little... not what I was expecting. My apologizing did get her to realize that she had overreacted and that "we both made some wrong decisions". So I guess that's good... but here's what got me... she said she will think things through, she just needs a little more time. 


Really? I just didn't respond. I'll give her her time. When she's ready I guess she'll text me or send me a message or whatever. But I'm only here for one week. One long... boring week. It's whatever I guess. I'm just tryin not to worry about it and let things play out but at the same time, when I'm home and bored, it kills me cause normally I would be on a late night beach trip with her or doing some crazy ass shit til god knows when in the morning. 


It's just whatever. I did get to skype with S for like two hours today though which is always great. We spend half our conversations trying to convince the other to come visit us. Haha. It's all good though. I will get to Italy before grad school... the summer before grad school I am defiantly going if I haven't been already. 


And if anyone watches Pretty Little Liars, I just finished the season finale, and OMG! So intense! Okay, I think that's all for now. Sorry my posts are always so long, especially lately. 


Oh! And I got an app for my iPhone that has inspirational quotes. I love it <3


Take care!!

Whoops....

One of my friends saw my arm. She didn't say anything, I don't know if she will... but there were other people around. I saw the look on her face though.We both just kind of pretended it didn't happen, that she saw nothing. I don't know is she's going to try to bring it up. I'm sure she's figured it out though. It's kind of obvious. Three clean red lines straight across the arm. The look on her face was kind of questioning and... shocked... upset, maybe? All I know is I didn't like the feeling of seeing that look on her face. I mean, we're pretty close... but not that close. The only issues she's ever really heard about other than school are my boy issues, the whole C thing... We talk sometimes... but, yeah. 


So I don't know what's going to happen. I dunno if she told her roommate, who I have the same relationship with as her. I dunno anything right now. I feel huge and disgusting. I'm not feeling the need to cut right now... but to take a handful of ex-lax and purge, which of course isn't usually that successful for me. 


I'm so tired. I'm so over life. I'm exhausted... it's wearing me out. I'm not strong enough to deal with all of this crap. It's just too much for me. I really can't handle this anymore.


I've been sick so I wasn't in class for two days, my friend (the one that stays here a lot) text me and asked what I had to eat that day... so I told her and asked why and she said that eating healthy would get me better faster and asked if I still had all my 'weird eating habits'... she doesn't know exactly what my eating habits are like so I just told her they're weird when she said she's never seen me eat. 


I really have nothing left to say. I feel gross. I can't deal with my life. I just really can't take it anymore.

My Friends are Amaziiing

So I have to tell you how truley amazing the few friends that I do have are. Now, the last couple of days have been sucking big time and it's just everything I'm not going to get too into it because I don't wanna think about it. But basically the usual, I feel gross and disguisting, no guy is ever going to want me, I'm never gonna get married, blah blah blah. So my best freind, J, the one that I talk about a lot and get into a lot of fights with because we're similar (yes I'm finally giving names so it's less confusing) kind of knows whats going on.

So last night I was texting her and I was just really sad the last few nights... so I told her 'I don't know how not to hate myself' and she told me that I was going to learn... and that she was going to help me. I also, knowing the answer to the question asked her, 'Is it bad that i wish I didn't care so much about other people because if I didn't I would've killed myself by now?' and she didn't say yes like I was expecting but she said no because she feels the same. So my response was how all I can think about ever, is how easy it would be. She said, 'It is, but you go, I'm going after you'. Talk about a reason to stay alive, I would never want anything to happen to her! So eventually I was like why am I bothering her with all my problems so I told her to stop making me talk to her and to go out and do something fun. She told me that she was here weither I liked it or not.

So  really didn't respond to texts after that except for two people, one who I texted because I tried to go to sleep and couldn't becasue I was thinking so much, and another because he text me and I needed a distraction. So I text my guy friend, S, and he was really sweet. He's not the type of person I can talk to about things but I can talk to him about nothingness and be distracted from my life. So he was like 'I hope I'm your favorite guy friend to talk to'. So I told him that he didn't have to worry because pretty much all the guys I knew where being complete assholes, and then when he asked why I told him it was for different reasons but basically I feel like guys are nice to me and pretend to care because they know I'm crazy. His response: 'I think you're perfect <3'. Sweet, even coming from him. I said 'far from it' and he goes, 'well that's my opinion'. 

So then I get a phone call from my friend B, who is a mutual friend with J, and about two years younger than us. We really don't know each other that well yet, but he's a sweetheart and I absolutely love him! I didn't pick up but I listened to the voicemail right away. He said he was talking to J and that's why he called me, he was also a tad bit drunk :)

Anyway, I asked J later what she told him and I think that she told him more than what she told me she did, but I actually don't think I minded that much because it was him and his voicemail totally made up for it and it really did but me in a better mood. J called after I was texting her about his voicemail and we laughed on the phone for a good two hours about nonsense. But anyway he was like... he told me I'm hot like 20 times and that I'm the shit and I'm amazing and I have nothing to worry about because I'll get married and I'll get fucked (the part J isn't telling me she told him, only about two people in the world know how sensitive I am about being a virgin and how at 21 I already feel like I'm never gonna get married) and that I'll have kids and I'm an amazing dancer and he loves me. He started out with, 'I'm talking to Jen and I know you're having some problems right now but don't worry because...'. And just, it was just a hysterical voicemail. The two of them are coming down in a few weeks for my dance performance and then we're gonna go out that night after the show :)

My other two friends, T (I've known he since I was 3) and K (the one I spent NYE with) are also amazing and I think I've wrote of other times they were there for me and how they tell me they always will be. I didn't text either of them last night because I hate to bother people but K was the one that gave me the NYE lecture. So yeah, I woke up feeling a little bit better, although when I went to relisten to the voicemail I came across the voicemail from Renfrew summer of 2009 or whatever saying I needed to be in their IOP. I got a new phone so I was not expecting that, but it's whatever. Don't ask me why I don't just delete it, I really don't know.

I also talked to my friend S during the day, he's the one that transferred out of my school and left the country, but he always makes me laugh and I don't even have to tell him if anythings wrong he just always makes me feel better like he has a sixth sense of something, even online.

I love these people <3

New Year. New Me?

So I'm back at school now. Sitting alone in my apartment. I feel kind of sad right now... but I really don't want to let that get to me. I would have come later but my parents had to help me with some technical stuff and I just had a lot of crap to unpack. 


So anyway, I haven't really done an update in a while so I thought I would tell you about me year so far... starting from New Years Eve of course.


A group of us (4-5) were planning on doing something together New Years Eve and like a day or two before I got in a huge fight with one of the girls (I've talked about her a lot in the past). Anyway because of that I didn't spend New Years with her in NYC. I ended up having absolutly nothing to do and during the day got an e-mail from her listing 20 things she can no longer talk to me about (ED, cutting, sex, boys, dance, the gym... it was basically everything). So that put me in a really bad mood (I had already been in a shit mood since Christmas Eve, which I'm sure you can tell from some of the last few posts). I starred at the e-mail for over an hour hysterical in tears thinking about what I horrible person I was and I was texting people to tell me jokes and just keep me distracted and whatever. 


So anyway, one of my other friends who was going to be with us NYE but had strep a few days earlier also had kind of a rough day. So we decided to get shitfaced together. Now, it doesn't take much to get me drunk... and I don't need to be wasted so I didn't get wasted, I got drunk. We missed the ball drop. She was lecturing me to ring in the new year. I really needed it though and I felt so much better after talking to her. She tried to get me to name three things about myself that I like, that when I look in the mirror I wouldn't want to change. I couldn't come up with anything. So she said that I need to find those things and in the mean time do things that make me feel good about myself, tanning is one of those things. She also assured me that, yes, while we don't talk as much as we used to... nothing has ever changed and she will always be there for me and would drive two hours to come see me and spend a weekend whenever I needed it. She also told me that our other friend would do the same. Now, the girl I spend NYE with really does know pretty much everything about me, always has. The other one... knows bits and pieces because I don't ever want her to worry... she will, she has. 


So she left and I went to bed, woke up the next morning drunk. I had some coffee, got dressed, and was really in the mood to go shopping at the mall (I bought a new mascara for $25, it's good... but I don't know if it's $25 worth good). So the girl I had been in the fight with wanted to stop by and drop of Christmas gifts for me and my mom... yeah. I hate when my friends are friends with my mom. Everyone likes her better than me but whatever. She came by and I was like I want to go to the mall, so a few hours later after she had showered we went to the mall. I got my mascara, and almost smuggled the most adorable puppy home! I named him Stanley. He is a puggle. And he's absolutely adorable! 


After leaving the mall we decided to see if the guy that was going to do our tattoos was in today. He said he would be around 4. So, we went back to her house for a little bit (first time I've ever been in there) where I got to hold a kitty and then we headed to the tattoo place. We went to school with the guy (her for 4 years and me for 1 because I transferred in and out of high school). He did remember my face though and he is amazing! Like, I want to hang out with him all the time. We spent almost 5 hours there because I couldn't figure out what font I wanted and the size was hard, but he did it little for me! It was so much fun though like seriously I could hang out there all day. He came in just for me so it was just the three of us and he let me put my ipod in so the whole (little) tattoo parlor was blasting Blood on the Dance Floor songs... to which I was dancing the ENTIRE time. 


I seriously love when I meet people and can immediately be myself with them because it's extremely rare for me. And we talked a lot and he's pretty good looking :) 


But it was just the most amazing experience of my life. I was like his 60th tattoo ever! And it was free I just gave him a tip. Oh my God, he was so so patient! And he was just like you two are insane it was so much fun I can't even describe it I would live those few hours over and over again if I could. Some of the stuff you just had to be there, like the sound effects he was making, especially when we left. Hysterical. 


It was hard for me though and super awkward because it's on my forearm/wrist where I have scars and obviously he could see them and to get it in the spot I want it I was like 'you see that line, that's where the E goes' because the tattoo does overlap with the scarring. The last E was the most painful and is still a little red and looks kinda odd because it's on the old scar tissue but it's fine. I think I like it more that way. He didn't ask about the scars either, he just said he saw it and lined it up the way I asked. My friend said she was proud of me for letting someone stare at my wrist for so long (and so closely) because I get this weird feeling when my wrist is exposed. I also feel so close to him now because he knows that now and has seen my wrist and because he gave me an awesome tattoo and was just the most amazing guy ever to hang out with.


So after that we planned on drinking with the girl I spent NYE with. She text me on our way back she had the worst night so we picked her up immediately and went to my house to drink. Didn't get wasted. But it was so so much fun. She had to leave that night and the other girl stayed over. Sometime in the night we skyped a friend of ours which was so fun and I was talking to another friend I haven't talked to in a while from school and we're going to try to get together more. I really hope it works he's so sweet and amazing. He knows about the ED now because I showed him my new tattoo and then told him how I almost got a second one right there. But my second one is the red/purple NEDA thing on the back of my neck. I want to be fully recovered when I get that one so it's a symbol of my recovery and what I've overcome and I told him it was a recovery thing but wouldn't say anymore. And he goes 'oh wait, is that the NEDA symbol?' So yeah, and he's been around me with food in the past and told me he was worried about me and always wanted to make sure I was eating. 


But he was so sweet about it and asked if I was recovered, I said no I was working on it and he said he's cheering for me. I really do hope I get to see him more. I miss him. So that was the end of my night last night, attempted to youtube the ball drop and had the PERFECT timing but our video just showed coupled making out so it was a total fail. 


Then I just packed and headed back to school where I am sitting now and writing to all of you :)
I really do like that I got my tattoo on the first day of the year, and part of the reason it's there is a) dance and b) so I'll be less likely to cut my wrist.
Haha, before he started I was freaking out with the sound of it and him and my friend AT THE SAME TIME just said 'breathe'. It made my day, really. 

So things may be looking up for me a little bit. The new year so far has been treating me well. And now I have this amazing permanent reminder so I don't go and fuck things up again.

I'm trying...

Sorry I don't post as much when I'm home, but right now I just have something that I really need to get off my chest.


So I'm not good at telling people how I feel. I'm once of those people who bottle everything up inside and put on a smile even on my worst days. I don't let people see me cry, ever, and I hate it when people know I'm upset. It's like I want people to thing I'm the strong fearless girl I was as a kid, but I know that's not true.


Anyway, since my blog, videos, and journal... I have been trying to open up to people more. Everyone knows I don't tell them what's bothering me, or even when something is bothering me. People get on my case all the time about crying and tell me it's okay for me to cry. People tell me that I can talk to them about anything and they'll always be there for me.


But what I don't get is when I do try to reach out, when I do try to let people in, when I'm broken and at my weakest moments... they all ignore me. If I'm lucky, they may respond to a text. But just one.  And then the go on facebook and update their status (sometimes via phone) but they don't respond to me. Or they will text me,  call me, message me, whatever... with one of their own problems, and totally disregard whatever I had said last. 

Meanwhile, there have been countless times where I am been in tears on the bathroom floor, with a razor in my hand, kneeling over the toilet, wrapped in blankets in my bed... and I will always, always find a way to make myself respond to people when they come to me with a problem. Even if it's one that hits really close to home for me, and I never once say what a mess I am at that moment because it's not about me and I'm not about to make it. Yet I have friends who turn on their phones so if I really need someone I can't get in contact with them or people who, like I said, disregard whatever I said and turn it around to be about them. 


I just don't get people. This is why I never let anyone in. Because they don't care. And not letting them in is better than the rejection of them not giving a crap about me. It just sucks and I don't know how people and be so selfish and inconsiderate (and I realize I'm sounding a bit selfish myself right now). But seriously people, come on. Get over yourselves. It's not always about you.

Sometimes, it's about me.


There. I said it. I'm important to and there is no reason why people should be treating me this way. But I have no one else, and so I put up with it. But one of these days I'm gonna blow up on someone, I really am. Because this is fucking ridiculous.

Do what you love. Love what you do.

I do what I do because I love if and if someone doesn't see that, then screw them. At least I know what's important to me and I know how to set my priorities. So what if I'm not the best student? Who cares? School's not always at the top of my list. There are more important things in life than just getting good grades. 


And if I have to skip a night out once in a while so I can wake up early to help someone else, than so be it. I volunteer, a lot. I do it because I love it, it's important to me and those kids mean the world to me. I would do anything for them. It's also good for me in a way because I do better in general when I have less time free time. I work with kids with special needs, anything you can think of... serious, or minor... they are everything to me. 


Any of my "friends" who think I don't spend enough time with them or get angry because I'm not willing to give up my time with these kids, or the kids I teach dance to, aren't worth my time. If the things that are important to me don't matter to them, then it's never gonna work out between us. I'm way to passionate about what I do to let anything ever get in the way of it.

Copy Cat

You know what I hate??


People who act like you just to fit in, or get attention, or whatever... I don't even know why they do it. But it pisses me off! Especially when individualism is so important to me. I may not know who I am... but I know that I'm me... I'm unlike anyone else. That may be the one thing that I love about myself. Sure, at times I wish I could be more like other people, more normal, more healthy, more accepting... but I'm not and I just have to get over that. 

I have a friend who has recently become like this... and I don't want to confront her of it because what if it's all in my own head? I don't want to accuse her of something.

Some things I've said in the past....
-This is quoted from a huge fight we got into back in June (I said this toward the end of the fight):

You know what? I do a good enough job treating myself like shit so I really don't need your help. Thanks.

                     - Well a while back, I dunno if we were having an argument or if she was telling me something she said to someone else but what she said was this. What I said to her in June.


-Something I've always joked about (for years now) is I always say if I ever did drugs, I wouldn't smoke pot, I'd just do coke. Remember- JOKE, I'm not doing drugs.
                    - The other night on the phone, she said that exact thing.


- She also wants a tattoo now, after being afraid of needles and apparently running away from the doctor so she didn't have to get a shot or something. She's also always hated tattoos and never really approved of the one I want on my wrist for well over a year, maybe two now... but now all she can talk about is this damn tattoo she's getting.


- I can't go to the dentist alone, or doctor sometimes depending on what kind of doctor. I just won't go there if I'm left to take myself. Plus, I have to get happy gas at the dentist so I need a ride home. Now I have to bring her to the dentist next week because she apparently won't go on her own, which she's done before. I just don't get it. I mean, I know she has her own reasons for not liking the dentist but really?


- And with all of the trust issues I have, she's the one that knows the most about me and that I can confide in the most with... and same goes for her, although she does have other people she talks to I really just have her. Anyway, I always go back to the fact that no one will ever love me and I'm always going to be alone. I honestly believe that everyone leave me. And I blame myself every time. Well, the other night or last week or something she brought up how everyone leaves her.


- Oh and the whole thing about crying. I like never cry, sometimes I don't even think I can. And when I do cry, on those rare occasions... it's like... a single tear. I wish I could cry. I really do. I say it all the time but it's like I just don't know how. And now all of the sudden my friend, who used to cry all the time, just can't cry. Just out of nowhere.


- It even comes down to that I feel like I'm the reason for her ED and SI (if that's real). I feel like she got it from me and it's all my fault.

I just feel like I'm not my own person anymore. I hate people who are like that but at the end of the day she's been my best friend for years... I don't know what to do. I tried to talk to her about it but I don't know how to bring it up. I don't want to accuse her or start a fight. I mean there are other things too, these are just what I think are a few of the bigger issues. It's fucking confusing is what it is. 


Any advice? 
Sorry for venting so much lately by the way, I promise, happy posts coming soon!


                      

Hi Lovlies

Wow, I got up late today, that is so NOT like me. I woke up and went back to sleep and it's now 11am. I have to pack cause I need to be on the road in an hour. 


I'm a little nervous, not gonna lie. I've been doing so well here at home! The binging started with the loneliness college brought me... I've been eating so well these last few days! I mean, I have been skipping meals and eating small and light, but everything has been on the healthy side. Not a single binge! Even if I snack and have a little too much, it's really not that much. I think I may have actually lost a little weight being home (despite the lack of physical activity other than crunches in bed). I just don't wanna mess it all up when I get back. 


Like tonight, I really wanna go to a movie. But I'll be back at school... at least at home I have one friend I can usually drag out and if not then I'll go out with my parents (lame, I know). But at school, I don't have anyone. I mean... I dunno. I guess I could potentially ask some people. I'm wearing the biggest jeans I have right now but I've been wearing them with heeled boots to make my legs look a little less huge and I would be okay with wearing those out. I need to have the boots too though, and we need to walk to be the theater. Unless I drive over the bridge and go to one I can easily drive to. But who's gonna wanna do that other than me? Maybe I'll go alone? Lame. But better than nothing. Suggestions?

Scratch that....

Well... you can disregard that last post. My friend that I was goin out with... it totally bailing. Our original plan was to go out about 2 hours ago and get some tanning in but then she didn't have the money for that so I was gonna go tanning on my own which I haven't gotten around too and then she wanted to work on homework for a while meaning we would go out later in the day but 2 hours later and she texts me with a million excuses.


Cool friends.

Home?

So, yeah... going home will be good. I like to see my family. But heres the thing: I have no friends. No one to hang out with. No one to catch up with. No one to have fun with. Granted I don't really have friends at school either but you think you go home people will want to see you. No. 


I just talked to my 'friend' via text and asked what she was doing tomorrow night when I get back. She's busy. OK. Wednesday? She's busy. All day, apparently. Thursday I'll be away and Friday I already know she has plans during the day. OK. Saturday? Busy with work, but she doesn't know after. Gee, I feel awesome. Just goes to show how much people don't give a shit about me and could care less if I was in their lives.


I'm going to get ready for bed now and stay there until I don't know when.