Blah.

I should be over it. This whole boy thing. It's been over a week now and I just can't seem to stop thinking about it. Just more proof that no one wants me/will ever want me. Great.


So I just got out of the shower. I need to put makeup on, dry/straighten my hair, get my shit together, go tanning, get to the theatre uber early to get a pair of shorts from the costume shop, and then I have dress rehearsal and a performance tonight. Awesome. I don't wanna go. Oh, and I only have about 2 hours to get there for the shorts otherwise I'm screwed.


Just a note about my internship, cause I don't think I ever actually told you guys what I'm doing. I eventually want to be a dance movement therapist, so the woman I'm working for has her own practice run out of her house... which is why her husband and 2 cats are always around. I'm hoping by next week I'll get to actually see some clients... that's the most exciting part about all of this.


I don't really have much to say right now. Kinda blah. I feel like I may be coming down with a cold, I've felt like this all week actually and have been taking medicine sporadically when I feel like it. I'm gonna go visit my friend at school tomorrow and be back in time for Sunday rehearsal. Should be a 3+ hour drive to get there from here. 


My apartment is a disaster right now. I really need to clean but just haven't had the energy... It's not parent proof so I'll have to figure something out so they don't come up here since they'll be in town for my performance tonight.

I don't think I'm gonna go out with everyone after the show. 
a) I don't want the calories of alcohol tonight.
b) I just don't enjoy being around them. They aren't real friends. Just... people I know.
c) I don't want any accidental texts/calls to the boy in a drunken state. If he wanted to talk to me, he would've by now. I just need to get the fuck over it.


I'm still nursing the headache I've had all morning so I'm gonna get going and see what I can get done. Hopefully I can get my ear pierced tomorrow but I STILL haven't been paid from teaching pilates last term. It's only $105 total but I want my fuckin money.


Whatever... anyway, I hope you are all well <3

Can you really see through me now, I am about to go.

I have so many thoughts lately and I never know where to start.

My day. I'll start with my day. I woke up for work, allergies made me feel sick as hell. I only gave myself an hour to get ready so I'm tryin' not to puke while I get much stuff together and drive to work. I know I won't, I never do (unless I'm also on my period). But I wish I would. Just wake up every morning, vomit, and go on with my day. Because at least then I wouldn't feel super nauseous, ya know? Or if I could make myself do it, which I can't... I've tried several times. Just to get rid of the feeling. But then again we all know if I could do that I would spend most of my day over the toilet.


So work was good today, I really enjoyed the end of the day setting up a game for a client :) But lunch, awkwarrrrdddd... My supervisor asked me if I was hungry around 1-1:30ish and I said no but she was so she had her lunch with her husband while I hid in the office and pretended to do work, which I really don't have any to do yet. After that we went shopping for games and to get brochures printed and stuff. She's kind of all over the place sometimes so I don't think she even remembered I skipped lunch. I can't do that all the time, but I'm looking forward to having more work to actually do so I can say I'm not hungry and then just get shit done. 


Haha, when she came back from seeing a client I was huddled into a little ball in her office chair, hood up, skillet playing on pandora. I love to feel small. I need to feel small. It's comforting to me. So is the feeling of my own bones. When I get anxious, I can just feel my bones and it calms me down... if I can't feel the bones or they aren't prominent enough, I'm fucked.


I had rehearsal after work, and now I'm finally back. I've felt bloated and fat and huge and uncomfortable all day. I have a performance on Friday night. Fuck. I need my costume by tomorrow for tech., I need to figure it out tonight because I leave super early tomorrow and then am running straight to dance (late) because of work. Which means trying things on tonight. Fuck. In addition to showering... ughh. I literally can't change a t-shirt without closing my eyes. 

Now onto boy things. It's really fuckin buggin me. Still nothing. And everyone keeps telling me to text him, but I refuse to. I shouldn't have to. And even if I did, I know he would respond. He will always respond. But I don't want him to talk to me just cause he feels bad for me. He's just that kind of person. He loves everyone, he wants everyone to be happy. He wants to save everyone. I don't want to be saved. I don't want to be pitied.


And as always, the more I think of something, the more I put the blame on myself. I'm not pretty enough. I wasn't as crazy as the last two times he met me. I'm too fat. I'm bad at sex. I told him too much. I'm a crazy psycho bitch diagnosed with anorexia/ednos who is covered in scars. I have the lowest self esteem I think I've ever seen. There isn't a single thing about myself I like. My personality sucks. I didn't talk enough. I'm too easy. I'm not a happy enough person overall. I don't dress cute. I wear too much makeup. I don't wear enough makeup. I could go on forever. 


I let my guard down. For some unknown reason, I let someone in. And now we haven't talked in a week. Everyone leaves me. Everyone. No one likes me. It's always been that way. Hell... I don't like me. 


I can't believe I let myself think he was any different from all the other guys. I think part of why it's buggin me is also cause I really do like him. I don't like guys that often. It fuckin sucks. 

My supervisor asked me something today that really made me think. She asked how I like to be acknowledged for doing a good job or whatever. Did I like flowers? Did I like to go out to lunch? Did I like (fill in the blank)? And I honestly couldn't answer. It's like I don't think I deserve any of that ever. I dunno. I'm just doing what I'm supposed to be doing, I shouldn't be praised for it. Whatever.


I feel like there is so much more to say right now... but I just can't think... plus I think this is long enough.


Again, I want to thank you guys so so much for reading my nonsense. You're comments mean the world to me... they make me smile :) 

And I don't know what I've done to me.

Again, I apologize for the total overload of posts. But you guys are all I have. 


So today was the first day of my internship. It went well. It was mostly setting up and kind of preparation for what is to come, what to expect, future projects. A lot of talking. There was a quick trip to staples. And I did a tad bit of office work the last 40 minutes or so. I briefly met one of the clients I will be seeing on occasion but just in passing. He seemed great though! And so adorable.


Here's the thing. It's a little uncomfortable for me to be around a therapist. Even though I'm not the one in therapy, I still always feel like I'm being analyzed. Some of my psychology professors are also counselors and I always got the same feeling with them which led to me never asking questions (I did once, it did not end well for me) and me not even bothering to go to class. I hate that uncomfortable feeling of being judged.


Then... its a private practice, run out of her home. I spend the day with her, her husband (who also works from home), and their two cats who aren't aloud near each other. Lunch. We all sit down for lunch together. Me, my supervisor, and her husband. Which means I need to being/eat lunch. I've always been huge on skipping lunch. I brought a fuze drink if I wanted it or for the way home, and an apple... because a) I didn't want anything and b) I didn't have anything to bring. 


She did comment on the apple. I knew she would. I start at 11:30 on Tuesdays so I blamed it on a late breakfast. We didn't sit down to lunch until 2 and it's an hour commute so the latest the breakfast could've been is 10am, latest (I didn't even have breakfast in reality). So as I'm nibbling at tiny bits of my apple trying to make it look eaten without actually getting much in, mostly just keeping myself busy with it and drinking a lot of water, she says to be "wow you must have had a big breakfast if all you're having is an apple". Fuck. I played it off. And her and her husband like, full out cook for lunch. I always had small lunches.


So now I just went to CVS. I grabbed a granola bar and I'll bring that along with my apple tomorrow. I really will probably only have that though. Maybe I can make it look like I ate the whole thing and manage to through some of it out. I picked up bread so I can make sandwiches, but I really really don't like the idea of eating lunch. It's seriously freaking me out so much. And I work 3 days a week, the other two days I go in earlier. I can't always say I had a late breakfast, she's watching me like a hawk (in my mind). She's a dance movement therapist, she's reading my body language, seeing how uncomfortable I am during lunch/being around food. She's going to know. Fuck.


I feel so fat and huge and disgusting. I only went to CVS to get food so she won't call me out. I had a snack when I got back from dance. I meant to only have a snack and ended up with dinner and a snack. Fuck. I feel so gross. Bloated. Fat. Fuck. I need a razor. I hate this. And to think I just thought I was getting better. I actually was able to say out loud for the first time ever that I had been diagnosed with anorexia. To the asshole boy of course. Still no word from him, by the way. I didn't tell him I cut, he said it. Fuck. How did I end up letting him in? I told him more in one night than I have ever told anyone in my life. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I feel so fat. I'm not looking forward to dance costumes on Friday. I need to wear tights... a) because I'm fat and no one wants to see that and b) because all the fucking scars. Fuck. 


Sorry. I don't know how I got to sidetracked. I'm just so disgusted with myself. And I'm getting a fucking pimple on my left ear right in the spot I wanted to get pierced. Which I am so doing this weekend. I just have the need to put more holes in my head (I already have 4 piercings in each ear and temporarily had my bellybutton pierced). FUCK.

I am SO sorry for the lack of inspiration lately...

I'm sorry for being such a failure at absolutely everything...

You know what sucks about working? Commitment. What happens if I'm just gone one day? What happens if clients got used to be being there and then I'm just not. It's just like everything else, it's not like anyone would miss me... but they would have to rework things if I were no longer there. I would just be causing more work for everyone.

I'm so confused.