Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Baby you're a firework

Do you know that there's still a chance for you
Cause there's a spark in you

You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July

Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what your worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gunna leave 'em fallin' down-own-own


Spent the day in bed....

Obviously not....

So it was just one of those days where I was kinda depressed, didn't get out of bed until about 2ish and then I spent the rest of the day (it's around 8pm now) laying on my futon watching TV and playing games online.

I didn't go to a single class today (I've already missed too many and am failing two of them that I had today) and it's the last week of classes. Finals start on Monday (my 21st birthday). So anyway.... I need to right 22 journals for one class, I have 4 weeks of reading/journals for another, I have to finish 3-4 journals for another class, I need to right 2 papers on performances, a paper on the set of RENT, plus 3 papers on performances for world musics (one of which I still haven't seen), and of course study for my finals and my pilates exams next week. I also have to go to the place I'm doing my internship next week to fill out all of the paperwork and make it official. Oh! And I have to order dancewear for the company. Cool. Plus my dance I'm choreographing needs to be finished this weekend and taught to the dancers so it's completed for Tuesday. Wow. And psychology quizzes. Shit.... I think we still have like 2 of them. Ugggh.

I feel so lazy.... just sitting around doing nothing today when there was so much to do. I haven't even showered yet... and I realllllllly need to shower. I also have to do laundry. I'm gonna try to get work done tonight and take care of all the hygiene issues in the morning just to keep me busy. I didn't even read or paint my nails. I legit did nothing. I haven't left my room obviously.... and I don't plan on it unless I go out for a cigarette.... but I think I'm gonna wait until tomorrow for a smoke since I'm being so lazy today. Going out for a smoke would require at least a little eyeliner. Blehh. Oh... and I need to wash dishes. Or at least put them in the dishwasher.

My plans for tomorrow....
-get up and shower/do laundry
-straighten hair... do makeup nice and wear some jewelry
-go to class in CLOTHES (not sweats)
-chill in my apartment for a while.... clean, get some work done?
-drive my friend to the liquor store
-dance 130-730
-come back to my apartment to do work and SLEEP (I will probably go to the gym at night)

I am only planning on having coffee, water, diet pills, and possibly half of a pomegranate fuze slenderize tomorrow. Not healthy, I know. 

Thursday morning I have my private pilates session and then I want to use that free tan at Hollywood Tans. I'll actually go to all of my classes (bring my laptop with me and probably do a 'daily update' for you guys).  I also have rehearsal so I'll be out later Thursday and need to be up at 6am on Friday. I should e-mail the bookstore back and see if I can get some hours for Friday, Sunday, and all of next week during finals.

I am so so excited for winter break though. I really need this and I did so well at home, it just wasn't long enough. Maybe being back for longer I'll get into a habit that I can finally bring back to school with me. I want to go out like every night. I'll probably skip most dinners, but that's fine. Once I loose the weight I'll be happy again and then I can ease myself into being healthy again. Please don't treat yourselves the way I treat myself. I'm a terrible role model.

Oh wow... and I still haven't unpacked from break, or from moving in.... damn. I have so much to do. I feel like the more I have to do, the less I get done.... if that makes any sense at all. Not really. Shit, writing it all out makes me realize how far behind I really am. I know that I say this every single term, but next term I'm going to do good. I really really am. Or at least I'll try.

Sorry most of my posts are so long! I guess I just have a lot to get off my chest all the time and this is the only place I can really do it.

You guys are amazing though! I love you all, especially if you actually read the nonsense I go on about everyday.

I just want to go home.


Monday, November 29, 2010

Daily Update 3

Normally my 'daily updates' are updated throughout my day, but tonight I'm just doing an after all of today kind of thing.

I ate too much today. Way way way too much. I didn't reallllly binge, but it was too much, way way way too much. I feel disgusting. I'm a fat cow. I don't know how/why I let myself do this. I hate myself, I'm such a fucking moron! I did so good at home! WHAT THE FUCK?!? If I didn't want to be a dance therapist so bad I swear I'd just leave. What's so great about college anyway? All it is is loneliness and stress for me. I'm so grossed out by myself!

And on top of that, I had a really bad dance class tonight because all I could think about was that the reason I can't dance anymore and I've gotten so much worse is because I'm fucking FAT! I can't turn for shit because of these god damn fucking hips! Why won't they just go away!?!? I have two more weeks until I'm home again, ugh, I almost seriously just want to drop out. FUCK! Why do I do this to myself?

Maybe if I chug some coke zero I can get myself to throw up, ughh, but that doesn't undo anything!!! I really want to do that. But I don't want to go in the bathroom because one of my razors is in there and I've been so so good recently. It's been probably two or more weeks since I last cut. And it was on my leg, I've been really good about staying away from my wrists. FUCK! I don't even know what I feel anymore. I just hate myself. And I'm huge. 


I used to be the little one, now I'm like three times the size of anyone else. I went from the skinny little Nikki to the fat girl. I'm the fat girl. I hate being the fat girl! And now I feel bad for ranting about all of this. I'm just insane, I'm mentally and emotionally unstable, I'm fucked up. I hate this. I hate my life. I hate everything about it. You know I haven't seriously thought about suicide in years? I mean, I won't do it, I know I won't so don't worry. But it would be so easy. SO easy. 

I even got more diet pills yesterday. I now take four different ones and water pills. Every pill is one step closer to cardiac arrest... as if I wasn't at risk for that anyway. Or in the past I was... and I've always had chest pain. FUCK!!! I can't eat tomorrow. Screw being healthy. Fuck it. Once I start eating I apparently can't stop. I can't be aloud alone with food. I'm a disgusting pig! This shouldn't be so difficult, but it is! Why? What the hell did I ever do to anyone to deserve this? Other than my sheer existence that is. I want to scream; I want to cry. But I don't know how, I don't know what to do.

Oh my god. I really need to stop now. I'm sorry, this was a fail of an update. There is nothing about my day actually in here. Just.... I don't even know. Sorry.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Updating Pages


Okay, so I know I said I wasn't gonna post again until tomorrow but I've been updating my pages. 

Songs- this is a list of songs I put together that give me hope for the future, put me in a good mood, or just touch me in a really positive way.
Poems- this page is my PERSONAL poetry, this is stuff that I've written... it's not very good, but I try =)
Breathe- this page is one of my favorites!!! on here I have a list of things I like to use for coping with whatever, I've also included a links for pages with other ways of coping or just pages that can help with ED, then I put a list of 'distraction links' if you feel you are going to binge or cut or do something you know you shouldn't  these sites will provide some distraction from your thoughts (I hope).
                    -- At some point I will add a book list (books related to ED and SI/good books for distraction).

I'm also working on a page for my journals (but I want it to be private and that's not an option) and I'm also thinking of a page with quotes and/or poetry I find online or that you guys want to share (credit will be given).

Which brings me to my next point... if there is anything you would like to add to any of my lists/pages such as links, websites, coping strategies, ect, please let me know. You can always feel free to e-mail me. I love suggestions!

And if you haven't checked out any of my pages yet, you should go ahead and do it! Kill some time, let me know what you think, what you want to see more of, whatever... I make these pages for you guys just as much as I do for myself so don't hesitate to ask for something or suggest something =)

I love you all! You're all wonderful and beautiful!
<3 <3 <3

Back to school

So I'm back at school. Already ate more than I wanted to today (and it's only like 6-something) but it really isn't bad... just more than I wanted. 

I'll eat less during the week in class cause I'll be busier. It's just these damn nights. I hate not having places to go every night of the week like when I'm home. I'll survive. I think.

It's just for two weeks. I have class all this week, and finals all next week. Well, really, I'm done with finals Wednesday night. Then Thursday I have a 'hiring interview' for my internship to get all the paperwork done and make it official and then Friday I just have Pilates exams. I'll be home by next Friday night (the 10th) and I'll go out that night, I should be back early enough for at least a movie or something.

I'm just kind of ranting as I sit here wrapped up in a polka dot blanket watching Teen Nick, Coke Zero in hand... ugh, which is gross, I hate soda. Anyway, I'll try to do a daily update tomorrow, I think it should be a good day. 

Hi Lovlies

Wow, I got up late today, that is so NOT like me. I woke up and went back to sleep and it's now 11am. I have to pack cause I need to be on the road in an hour. 

I'm a little nervous, not gonna lie. I've been doing so well here at home! The binging started with the loneliness college brought me... I've been eating so well these last few days! I mean, I have been skipping meals and eating small and light, but everything has been on the healthy side. Not a single binge! Even if I snack and have a little too much, it's really not that much. I think I may have actually lost a little weight being home (despite the lack of physical activity other than crunches in bed). I just don't wanna mess it all up when I get back. 

Like tonight, I really wanna go to a movie. But I'll be back at school... at least at home I have one friend I can usually drag out and if not then I'll go out with my parents (lame, I know). But at school, I don't have anyone. I mean... I dunno. I guess I could potentially ask some people. I'm wearing the biggest jeans I have right now but I've been wearing them with heeled boots to make my legs look a little less huge and I would be okay with wearing those out. I need to have the boots too though, and we need to walk to be the theater. Unless I drive over the bridge and go to one I can easily drive to. But who's gonna wanna do that other than me? Maybe I'll go alone? Lame. But better than nothing. Suggestions?

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Some things just never change....

I know this is like the  millionth post from me today, but I'm stuck at home bored and not in the best of moods. This is just something that's been on my mind for a while... the fact that I want someone to talk to about everything and nothing, someone to cuddle with and keep be warm at night, someone who can make me safe just be holding me in his arms, someone who believes in me even though I don't believe in myself... yeah, I know that's a lot to ask. I just wish I had something like that, ya know? 

But then at the same time, I don't think I deserve that. I would just end up fucking everything up for that guy and I would just be a burden on him no matter how hard I tried not to. I may be going down but I don't want to bring another person with me... and I know I have to save myself, but it would be nice to know someone out there would be willing to save me. I dunno... I'm just lonely all the time... I don't want to be lonely anymore. 

And to top it off, Truly, Madly, Deeply just came on my iTunes (Savage Garden for those of you who don't know this most amazing song). I was actually thinking yesterday how great of a wedding song this song would be...

You guys wanna know a secret?

One of my biggest fears is that I'll never fall in love. Never have a family of my own. Kids... and a house. I'll never find 'the right guy'. I'll never find any guy. I won't even find a guy to settle for... not that I would ever be the one settling. I want that. All of that. I want true love... but I don't even know if I believe in love. I don't know what love is... I don't know anything.

So far, none of this has been done. It's been almost 1 year. Proof I suck at life and am a failure...

I just want someone to hold me and tell me everything will be okay, and I want them to really believe it... even though I probably won't. I want someone to love me, for who I am, craziness included... but that's never gonna happen. I want someone who trusts me, even though I don't trust myself. But who is going to be all of that for me, when I can't be it for myself? Who is ever going to care about someone as insane as me. No one wants to have to put up with me... I don't want to have to put up with me. I really, really just don't know anymore.

Sorry for the rant guys.... really. I mean, I started off today thinking I was going to have an amazing night despite the fact I was sick as a dog. And now who's the loser sitting by herself at home? I guess some things will just never change.

Scratch that....

Well... you can disregard that last post. My friend that I was goin out with... it totally bailing. Our original plan was to go out about 2 hours ago and get some tanning in but then she didn't have the money for that so I was gonna go tanning on my own which I haven't gotten around too and then she wanted to work on homework for a while meaning we would go out later in the day but 2 hours later and she texts me with a million excuses.

Cool friends.

Feel good song, feel good day?

Every single night we fight to get a little high on life
To get a little something right, something real, at least we try

Pretty much gonna be my theme song from the night. Then again, what isn't my theme song at one point or another??

Hoping tonight is a good night, especially after a felt sick all  morning. Damn allergies. I can't even tell you how long I was laying on my bathroom floor for. And I dried my hair while kneeling over the toilet, yeah... I was that sick.

I'm fine now. I managed to get some dry food down. I'm gonna ease up on the pills for today just cause I wasn't feelin so hot this morning and I know I'm gonna be drinkin later. I need to go tanning too... I got a free birthday tan at Hollywood Tans so maybe I'll print that out and once my mom brings my car back I'll head out.

I just wanna dance =) Haha... which is my like.... all the time! I know! I gotta charge/sync my ipod. I really hope I'm not driving tonight.... wasted wayyy too much gas on nothing last night. 

I'm just gonna forget everything and drunk off my ass tonight... forget all the shit I've been through, the shit I'm going through, the fact that I have no one... I'm just gonna have fun. I'm not gonna care about anything. 

Friday, November 26, 2010

Going out for dinner tonight.

I'm nervous.

I've looked at the menu and picked out what I can try. I won't finish it. The biggest problem... this place just opened, like, just. Two days ago. And it's not like a chain... which means I can't get any of the nutrition information online. Ughh...

No use crying over spilled milk....

So I had to get up to get my car inspected today. I had just enough time to chug my coffee and throw on a bra and some eyeliner. Then on the way back (right around the corner from my house) I dodged yet another speeding ticket. To tell the truth between my allergies making me nauseous and the fact that I'm on my period right now, I thought I was gonna throw up.

So anyway, I get home, went to the bathroom, and felt much better. So I decided to have a bowl of cereal for breakfast. I make my cereal and I'm on my way up to my room when what happens? I trip over a fucking stick! See, there have been all these robberies in the neighborhood and my mom's totally paranoid about someone breaking into our house so there are sticks in all the doors... this one runs from the bottom of the door to the bottom of the stairs so it can't be kicked in. Well, I tripped over it and there was milk and cereal ALL over the stairs. So I throw my phone angrily at the floor, the stick across the room and stomp into the kitchen for a wad of dripping wet paper towels to clean the wood stairs with. 

When I'm done cleaning most of the mess I take my bowl of cereal and throw it in the sink. I just didn't want it anymore. Of course then my mothers asks, 'You're not going to eat your cereal?' No. I don't know why this made me so angry to the point were I now refuse to eat the damn cereal. It's like it's the cereals fault for making such a mess. I think I was also a little angry to discover when my mom picked up milk for me knowing I would be home she got 1% instead of fat free. I feel as though she did this somewhat on purpose because I still think the whole world is trying to make me fatter. And now, I am almost on the verge of tears. All over a stupid bowl of fucking cereal.


Thursday, November 25, 2010

Happy Thanksgiving =)

So this is one of my least favorite holidays. I love that the whole family gets together but that's about it. I don't see what the big deal about a holiday where all everyone does is stuff their faces is.

I don't even like Thanksgiving food. I made myself a turkey sandwich on a whole wheat Arnold's sandwich thin (I don't like fresh, hot turkey... ick) with spicy pineapple habanero sauce. I had a little bit of a small sweet potato (I won't eat it if someone calls it a yam) and a bit of cranberry sauce (canned only). That was my Thanksgiving dinner =)

Since it's my family they understand I'm weird about food (to different extents) but they realize I'm picky. My grandpa is the hardest to get to realize that but it's fine I know he always means well. Anyway, there is some teasing but I just ignore it... the thing is they had friends there also. I like holidays to be just family... I'm uncomfortable enough as it is eating in public but I'm okay around my family and certain friends, bring strangers into the mix, bleh. Luckily though they were on the other end of the table dealing with screaming children and probably didn't notice my paper bag packed Thanksgiving dinner that I brought from home. 

I'm home now, we got back a while ago. I'm currently watching Big Bang Theory. It's a pointless but very funny show. It's a good show to have on and not have to be paying attention to it. I'm just bored, I want to go out but no one is around so that can't happen... 

Anyway, I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving! Now Christmas is just around the corner!

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Daily Update 2

So my daily updates aren't going to be very daily... but I'm going to do one throughout today because I think it may be an eventful day.

Some things you may be interested in that I am currently doing:

~ Reading- Beautiful Boy by David Sheff (just started yesterday and already loving it!)
~ Mood- blehhh & aggravated about having to cover my wrists
~ Hair color- soon to be partially pink and glow in the dark 
~ On itunes- My Heroine by Silverstein (I have to call ticketmast today because there was a problem with my tickets!!!)
~ Nail color- naked, although really wanting a shocking electric blue/torquise.... I need an Ulta trip anyway today.
~ Scent- in need of buying a new body spray and/or time for a shower =P

My mom just text me. I guess I'm going to go down and get started on my hair. My roots are starting to come in and I don't want to look trashy so I should probably touch up my brown before dying the bottom layer pink, but really, that's too much effort for me right now.


              The Process
- Step 1: Dye all hair brown

- Step 2: Spill bleach powder all over the living room

- Step 3: Apply bleach and let it change my hair to a multitude of colors
- Step 4: Rinse (turns out this was a major ab workout)
- Step 5: Dry freshly bleached hair (breaking my hairbrush during this process)
- Step 6: Apply color

- Step 7: Sit on my bed blowing a hairdryer on myself because I am cold and wet
- Step 8: Rinse
- Step 9: Shower and dry hair to reveal finished product


I'm feeling pretty good right now. I just stopped by my old dance studio... okay by stopped by I mean hung out for like 2+ hours talking and then took a class and hung out some more. But anyway, I feel great. I didn't feel like I was dancing that well tonight but I felt like I was dancing and my teachers were all really proud of me because the quality of my dancing has improved so much and my dancing has matured a lot so, yay! I'm currently watching Modern Family, funny stuff =)

Also, my mom kinda tried to set me up with some guy... awkward!!! She like tricked me into meeting him kinda, haha. But it's whatever I mean he's nice and it wasn't really, I dunno. She was just like I want you to meet him (he works at a jewelry store) and then later on she was like so if he adds you on facebook you'll tell me right? Because of course she told him he could find me on there. Ha, he won't add me cause it's just weird but it was funny I guess. He's a nice guy though... not bad looking, reminds me of one of my friends though. I haven't decided if that's a good or bad thing yet. He lives on the block I used to live on... yeah, my mom got to know him pretty well. Eh. 

Alrighty, well I'm out for the day. Peace

Read my journals?!?

OK, so heres what happened.

I have a journals (well two now since one's full) where I put pictures, quotes, write journal entries, poetry, I have ED recovery exercises, and have ways to cope. While I was at school I realized that I had left them at home... I still looked at school everyday just to be sure because I don't know how I could've done that! I think it was when I was freaking out looking for my jeans (the jeans I only fit in between 96-100 pounds which have become sort of a safety blanket type item to me).

So anyway, I get home and things are fine... first thing I do once I'm up in my room is go get my journals. My journals which it looks like my mom has read! Now these journals may not be as blatently honest as my blog, but the still have the last three years of some of the most personal thoughts going through my head. She didn't say anything to me about it (and dear God I hope she doesn't), but she left something in one of the pages that I dunno what it was and in another page she used the little bookmark strap thing that was attached to he journal.  So last night I'm trying to figure out what she read and what she may not have and I was slightly freaking out, although not as much as I expected. I'll be alone with her today for a while which makes me nervous because I don't want her to bring it up. And not only that, I don't think she got to my big 'I'm sorry...' but she did she a few small I'm sorry's and everything else, anyway... I can't even begin to imagine how much it hurt her to read those things about me, to see me talking about how much I hate myself and my life.

Uggh! I was just.... I don't even know. I just don't want her to know those things. I kept looking to see if she left me a note or something but she didn't. I'm going to be making a page at some point where I'll put in stuff from my journals (type up some of the things I wrote/post pictures of some of my 'artwork') so you guys will see it eventually. Uggh! Right now I just want to finish my coffee in peace and watch a Christmas movie! Maybe I'll wait until the 7 year old she watches is here before I ask her to help me bleach my hair so I can dye it.

AHHHHHH!!!!!! I just need to scream into a pillow or something! I'm going to dance later, even if I just stay in my room. I just need to dance!

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

I'm overboard too far from shore...

The past makes me sick to my stomach. I miss my old life. The life that was perfect in my mind. There's really only one or two things (other than death) that make me cry in this world... and they're related. I make me cry. I hate me. I hate my reflection. I avoid my reflection. I've literally fallen to the floor in tears after seeing my reflection... more than once. And the past. My past. My past brings me to tears. Who I used to be. How I used to look. 

I miss my hip bones. I miss my ribs. I miss my smile. I really miss my smile. I miss my confidence, my laugh, my sense of freedom. I miss my happiness. 

I don't even know if I remember what it feels like to be happy, to feel loved, to not hate myself. I'm drowning myself. I want a new life. I want my old life. I see pictures and realize that I always felt bigger than I really was, which is fine... but now I'm bigger than those pictures. Now I don't take pictures. I used to have a great smile! Now I don't know how to smile. 

I don't see perfection as everything being what you want. I see perfection as having little imperfections throughout but being okay with them. I don't get why life is so hard for me. I don't see why I can't just accept that I'm not who I once was... the thing is, I'm still trying to be. I want to be tiny again! I want to be skinny. I want to be thin. I want to be confident, happy, loved, free, pretty. I want to be me.

This isn't me. This body is holding me back from my life. I need to loose weight and get back to a happy place so I can live my life, really live it, and enjoy it. I'm trying so hard not to cry right now. I put the pictures away. Got rid of all the videos. I have no makeup on yet. I think it's gonna be one of those days were I need to wear a lot of eye makeup to remind me not to cry. I just feel so uncomfortable in this body! 

And it makes me feel selfish that I feel this way. People have so much worse things going on and here I am on the verge of tears because I'm not the skinny girl I once was. I want to feel beautiful again. I don't want these secrets, don't want these scars, don't want these thoughts. 

Sometimes I think I might need help; that I can't do this on my own... but I think part of me needs to prove to myself that I can. I'm in this constant battle with myself. I have to live with the one person I hate most in the world... all the time. There's no escaping myself. I need to dance. I need to get out of my head. I need to not cry. I hate crying... especially over this. How selfish can I get?!? I just need things to be OK... I need things to be the way they used to be...

I just don't know what to do anymore.
This constant need to be skinny in order to be okay with myself is killing me.

My victories are bittersweet and now I can tell
The only place my plans have lead me is right where I fell
I'm overboard, too far from shore
A castaway trying to make it home
I catch my breath to save myself but I can't

Who's Cute?

Go to google. 
Type in 'who's the cutest'. 
Press 'I'm feeling lucky'.


So, yeah... going home will be good. I like to see my family. But heres the thing: I have no friends. No one to hang out with. No one to catch up with. No one to have fun with. Granted I don't really have friends at school either but you think you go home people will want to see you. No. 

I just talked to my 'friend' via text and asked what she was doing tomorrow night when I get back. She's busy. OK. Wednesday? She's busy. All day, apparently. Thursday I'll be away and Friday I already know she has plans during the day. OK. Saturday? Busy with work, but she doesn't know after. Gee, I feel awesome. Just goes to show how much people don't give a shit about me and could care less if I was in their lives.

I'm going to get ready for bed now and stay there until I don't know when.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Daily Update 1

You know what I  miss? Like, really really miss? Smiling. I mean, I'm not saying I don't smile on occasion, I do... but not a real smile. All I want right now is to smile, and it seems weird but it's been so long since I've truly been happy. And not only that, even when I do smile now, I'm so conscious of it and of how I look when I smile. I hate the way I look when I smile. My cheeks are too big. My eyes get smaller. When I was skinny I didn't have these problems, well, not to the degree that it bothered me right now.

That is what I was thinking about while I was at the gym. Smiling. Right now I'm in psychology. Class hasn't actually started yet so it's not like I'm not paying attention. I need to really start studying so I can do well on my finals in a few weeks. I can't keep messing around. I might actually go to the library. I never go to the library. But I think it'll be good. No distractions, I won't be totally alone, and no risk of binging. I was gonna hang out with a friend tonight, but I just have so much to do.

So far today I'm in a decent mood. Wasn't feeling well this morning due to allergies. I'm allergic to pretty much everything. If there's an allergy to it, I have it. Anyway, I take tons of meds for them but the one time release decongestant that I originally used was the only one that really really worked and got rid od f the morning sickness. Since it was discontinued I now take something else, which doesn't work as well but I guess it's the next best thing. Anyway, yeah, my allergies make me nauseous in the morning. And I'm not a fan of breakfast... sometimes it gets to the point where I have no choice but to eat something dry like a rice cake or something. I guess that's not the worst thing in the world though, right?

I'm excited to head home tomorrow night. I'll be home probably close to 10pm (depending on traffic, probably sooner actually) and then I have to leave Sunday morning to get back for rehearsal. There are goods and bads about being home.

- eat healthy (less chance of a binge)

- quick check coffee =) yum!
- won't be alone

- have to leave my cigarettes here (I shouldn't be stressed to the point that I need them though)
- can only take so many diet pills and need to be discrete about taking them and make what I take last the four days
- make sure wrists are covered up at all times!

I've been trying to really take my life one day at a time. So today, I'm planning on going back to my apartment after class for lunch and a shower. Breakfast today was coffee. Lunch is going to be a peanut butter and banana sandwich. Then I have 3 dance classes. I have modern, a break, jazz, and advanced jazz. Usually during my break I will go to the gym for the second time (I go before the class I'm currently in also). I might bring some things to study today though. Maybe even go sit at a table to make sure I get work done. I do want to hang out with my friend tonight but I'm just going to let whatever happens happen. 

As I'm writing this I'm thinking I am going to do a daily update. Within the same post I will update once in the morning and once at night... and anytime in between I feel is necessary. I will do this within the same post by editing it so I don't have too many posts a day and then inspirational things and random stuff I feel like putting on here will be separate. As of now, it's around 10am. I have been up since 6am. I taught a pilates class and learned the arm weight series as well as went to the gym before coming here. Tomorrow my day starts later, not until 12:30, which is weird for me. I mean, I'll be up earlier for the gym of course. And now since I'm just rambling I think it's safe to say that this portion of my update has ended! I'll try to pay attention to class now.


I'm on my break now... procrastinating of course. Something I forgot to mention that happened this morning is kind of coming back to bother me... don't worry I'm in a pretty decent mood right now! It's just in the back of my mind... I have to start wearing short sleeves to pilates so the teacher and myself can see my arms. Problem with that is, I hate my arms. They're gross which is why I always dance in long sleeves... or why I always wear long sleeves actually. I think my arms are the last place I loose weight from, which really sucks but whatever. I dunno, I'm gonna keep putting it off as long as I can. If she brings it up again I guess I'll have to bring a short sleeve shirt, I'll start off with long short sleeves though.

I'm sitting outside the dance studio right now as I continue to procrastinate. I just went into the book store and got this book called Inner Simplicity by Elaine St. James. The cover says "100 ways to regain peace and nourish your soul". It's an adorable mini-sized book that I plan to keep in my purse =)

It says things like: spend time in nature, connect with the sun, figure out what you don't want in your life, have weekend retreats at home, smile a lot, and tons of other great things! I plan on reading the whole thing, but I want to keep it with me so when I'm stressed out I can just flip to a page and find something that will help me calm down in the moment. I've only been flipping through the pages and looking at the headers (I literally JUST bought it), but so far I think it's really great. You should check it out sometime.

I realized my posts are going to be super long because I'm doing this 'Daily Update' style, hope you guys don't mind! I have a great video I want to show you guys though!



It is now almost 11pm and I just got back from the gym with a friend. Overall, I think today was a good day. I stayed in a good mood all day, my eating wasn't too bad, I went to the gym twice, danced pretty well, and now I'm about to knock out some studying for that test I have tomorrow. I think I'll survive tomorrow too. =)

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Letting it out....

Sometimes I just feel like I need to scream at the top of my lungs. I don't know what that would accomplish for me. Maybe someone would hear me? Probably not. 

I'm sorry, but I don't do emotions. I just feel numb all the time. Sometimes, I think I get sad... but I've realized that I turn that emotion into anger because I can deal with anger better. I can't let people see me sad, I can't let them see me break down the way I am.

I'm falling apart. I broke through rock bottom and I've been stuck down here for over a year now. It's cold. It's dark. I'm lost and scared. I want to scream, I really do. But I think I have an overlying fear that even if I do, they still won't care. No one cares about me. I've been alone my whole life. Who am I expecting to hear me?

And sometimes all I want to do is cry. But I don't know how to cry. I don't know how to do anything. I don't know what I want from life. I don't understand why I'm alive. I don't even know who I am anymore, all I know is that I don't like this person. I want to change. I want to be 'better'. I want to have my perfection back. It shouldn't be this difficult to get something that I want so badly. But it is. Everything is hard for me. 

I just want my happy ending.

This is my video, I made it from movie clips. I have a lot more videos like this and other random ones. Please let me know if you would like the link to my youtube channel.