Bones and Independence

My collarbones are slowly becoming more visible... very slowly... and I can feel my hip bones just a little more...

I think this is why I've been in such a good mood an okay mood lately. But my face is breaking out... something must still be stressing me.

I think one of my biggest fears also, is that I am going to fail... at life. I know nothing about money, paychecks, paying bills... I already suck at taking care of myself...


I feel like I will never be able to be fully independent. I will fail at everything... and I'm wondering if that may have played a role in my eating disorder...


Maybe... maybe not...

Whatever... I'm going to bed now. Goodnight <3

The only way to overcome fear, is to face it.

And that's what I tried. Major fail.


So the thing is... when I get around the hospital, that town in general, I start to hyperventilate, I get a knot in my stomach, I can't breathe, I take short, shallow breaths. I enter panic mode. Every. Single. Time.


I was driving today, and something in me just knew that I had to go back there. I had to get to that town, park my car, get out, and breathe. I could've taken a walk, or sat on a bench. But I just needed to go there and be able to breathe in that place. Weird I know. But something in me just knew this is something that I have to do.


So I drove there. I entered panic mode as per usual. Gripping the steering wheel, breathing heavily, holding back tears, trying to catch my breath, looking at nothing but the road ahead. I couldn't do it. Couldn't pull over, couldn't stop the car, couldn't even open a window.


I got in and I got out. It took me some time to calm down after leaving, as it always does. I know more than ever now that I need to do this. I need to do this to move on. I need to do this before I can ever even think of stepping up and seeking professional help.


God, what the fuck is wrong with me? Who the hell hyperventilates because of the area they are in?! It was such a simple task really. Go there, and breathe. And I failed. Go me.

I'm Alive....

Still wish I wasn't. But I'm here. I thought you guys had the right to know after my last little freak out. I'm not doin too hot today. Exhausted. Really, exhausted. I have to be up soon. Oh my god, tomorrow is going to be such a long day. I haven't even been able to get to the gym, and I don't have money for tanning. Wow. My life sucks. Is this really how I define my life? I dunno. 


What I do know is I never understand how people think grades and whatever are so series. Like, one of my teachers was pissed at me for not checking my e-mail and made this big deal over nothing. Really? Is checking my e-mail really the  most important thing in my life right now? I physically can not move (yet I'm still dancing). And I've been spending the day trying to make sure my friend from home doesn't end up in the hospital because of her douche of an ex-boyfriend. Yeah, let me go check my fucking e-mail. Sorry I haven't been able to get to that.


It just pisses me off that some people in the world think all this shit is so important, but really, is it? We were talking about adolescents in my pediatric psychology class and how they see maybe a day into the future whereas we see much further... Personally, I don't look that far into the future, but at the same time I don't stress over the stupid little stuff. I mean I do, but not to the point of life or death situations. Really, all I'm trying to do in my life right now is stay alive. And it's hard, because I don't fucking want to be alive. I'm just hanging onto this false hope that things will get better. 


I just feel fat and disgusting and I fucking hate that the way I look or feel like I look defines my mood. I hate that something so minor controls me and consumes my life. I feel so fucking selfish all the time! 


Oh, yeah, so the dancing... I have a bad back to begin with to the point that just laying down is painful for me (I'm convinced my huge ass plays a role in this) and I have an old hip injury that makes it painful to even sit down. So the back is always acting up, the hip does now and then but it's been about 3 years so nothing as bad as when I first injured it...and it doesn't hurt right away when I sit, it takes some time. But yeah, I messed it up pretty bad again yesterday. So now, I can't sit, lay down, stand, walk, put weight on my left leg, anything. Fuck that shit. I figured it out though... the reason I can't stop dancing even when I'm hurt. I put it into words. I dance through the physical pain because I don't know how else to deal with the emotional pain.


Ughh, it's so cold in here. Boo. I don't wanna get up and turn the heat up. Sorry I'm totally just ranting right now. Typing keeps me busy. I feel like I have more to say. I don't know.


Oh, but here's an update. I'm going to be living in the same apartment next year... just me. All by my lonesome. Yupp. My friend hates that I live alone right now. Or did. I don't know, we haven't spoken in like 4 days. This is J by the way. It was whatever. I'm over it. I'm not gonna stress over this fucking shit anymore. I need to prioritize and get my life in order. 

I seriously just want to sleep. I want to be done with all this fucking shit. I want a fucking day off. Really? Is that too much to ask? I mean, and I'm honored that my piece from last concert is in our repetoire and one of the first ones to ever be reconstructed on the freshman dance company... but I didn't ask for this. I didn't ask for all of this extra work and another day of rehearsals. I literally don't have one day off. Ever. Not even holidays. How the fuck am I supposed to take care of myself under such stressful conditions?

I've been thinking about dropping out of college. I have mixed feelings about it. I really just want to go home. I could be a dance teacher. Problem solved. I am excited for my internship... but 3 more years of this shit? And the last 2 I won't be getting as much dancing in as I need. I need a certain amount of dance in my life everyday just to fucking function. I hate it. Not dance. School. I don't know what I wanna do with my life. I'm going to be terrible at helping people. I don't even know if I want to do it. I'm going to fucking burn out. Like really early on.

I've burned out so many times in my life. I've crashed through rock bottom and kept falling so many times... I don't think I can do any of it again. I really don't. And I don't want to. But I'm not strong enough to hold my shit together anymore. Oh my god, like seriously? What the fuck am I going on about?? I don't even know. Ugh. I write a lot. I'm sorry. Ughh! I hate me.

Ughh, my life.

What have I become? Who am I? I just want to cry sometimes... to not pretend I'm so strong, but I really don't even know how any more. I can't cry. I can't feel. I'm so fucking numb. I want to feel... but I'm afraid it will be too much for me to handle. I can't deal with all that. I can't keep my eyes open. I'm fucking tired. I'm too fat. I ate. I ate too much. I shouldn't have ate. I hate me. I wasn't hungry. I wasn't. I'm not. Fail. I am a fail. My life is a fail.


I'm really sorry. I'll stop boring you now.


Goodnight.

True Happiness

I could go on about this forever.... but all I'm going to say is this is more true to me than I could ever imagine.

And right now... I am failing everyone, which results in me failing myself. If anything... I have hurt people trying to make myself happy.

I'm so sorry.

~~

You know what... I am going to go on about it. I'm going to go on because I think that I need to say it if nothing else just to admit it to myself and work through it and try to work out what the fuck is wrong with me. I'm sorry if I ramble, you don't really even have to read this if you don't want.

I don't even know where to start. I'm on the verge of tears... I just binged. I suck at life. I don't know what's wrong with me or why I feel the need to be the tiniest girl in the world. I just want to know what is wrong with me and why I'm the way I am.

Anyway, I saw this quote and it made so much sense to be. I am eventually doing to be a dance movement therapist. I love helping people, especially kids. I feel so good when I do. I forget about all the shit that doesn't matter and I just enjoy helping other people. I love to make people smile, I love to give people hugs when they're crying. I hate when other people are sad, I really really do. I love volunteering, it's why I never really had a job. It's just such a huge part of who I am. I work with kids mostly... and I would do anything for them. Anything. 

I know I'm a terrible person... yet for some reason, I still have a ton of kids that look up to me. They're the reason I want to be better. I can't stand the thought of them looking up to who I actually am. I would die if I found out that any of my kids did a single one of the stupid things that I do. Besides all the kids I've taught dance to or the kids I've met through volunteering... there are two little girls that I love more than anything. One of them, is my 2 year old cousin, the other is a little girl in first grade that my mom used to watch since she was about 3months old. I know for a fact that she looks up to me. She's so smart and beautiful and talented. I want her to always know that. 

I totally went off what I was initially going to say. 

In the last year or so, things have gotten really really bad with me. And since at least last spring, my best friend has been saying that she has an ED and she told me she cuts a few weeks ago (which was news to me). Anyway, I try to help her as much as I can... the thing is she is my biggest trigger. I still try though, I really really do. But I also can't help feeling like if these things are all true (I don't even know) that if she didn't know me she would've found better ways to deal with her stress. I feel like I am a huge part of why she does what she does. She saw me when I was skinny and happy... maybe she thinks she can have that? I don't know, but whatever it is I feel like I've totally failed her and I'm kicking myself for it. I hate myself for that. All I want is for her to be happy and instead I feel like I've done this to her... which makes me miserable.

When she mentioned cutting, I had been in the best mood ever... on top of the world. But I did a total 180 when I heard that. I ended up crying in my bed for hours, not moving. I didn't want to be alone but no one was around that night. I was afraid to be alone. I was in such a low place, my heart literally sank. Yeah, she triggers me with ED stuff a lot... but the cutting. Really? If this is true... I feel like it's because she saw some cuts on my wrist over the summer (she apparently started after that). I just really don't know.

I've hurt so many people because of my misery. My ED, SI.... everything. I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt anyone, ever. I never wanted to put anyone through what I did. I hate myself even more for knowing the pain I've caused other people. I'm such a mess. This is exactly why no one will ever love me... why I won't let anyone love me. I don't want to hurt them. I push people away because I know I'll only end up ruining their lives. I don't want to do that to them... but I'm just not that great at lying all the time.

I'm sorry I can't always fake a smile anymore. I'm sorry for being me. I wish I could be a better person. Someone who could be loved, who would make a great role model, anyone but myself. I did this to myself, it's no one's fault but my own and I don't want to drag anyone down with me. I'm better off alone.

Daily Update 3

Normally my 'daily updates' are updated throughout my day, but tonight I'm just doing an after all of today kind of thing.


I ate too much today. Way way way too much. I didn't reallllly binge, but it was too much, way way way too much. I feel disgusting. I'm a fat cow. I don't know how/why I let myself do this. I hate myself, I'm such a fucking moron! I did so good at home! WHAT THE FUCK?!? If I didn't want to be a dance therapist so bad I swear I'd just leave. What's so great about college anyway? All it is is loneliness and stress for me. I'm so grossed out by myself!


And on top of that, I had a really bad dance class tonight because all I could think about was that the reason I can't dance anymore and I've gotten so much worse is because I'm fucking FAT! I can't turn for shit because of these god damn fucking hips! Why won't they just go away!?!? I have two more weeks until I'm home again, ugh, I almost seriously just want to drop out. FUCK! Why do I do this to myself?


Maybe if I chug some coke zero I can get myself to throw up, ughh, but that doesn't undo anything!!! I really want to do that. But I don't want to go in the bathroom because one of my razors is in there and I've been so so good recently. It's been probably two or more weeks since I last cut. And it was on my leg, I've been really good about staying away from my wrists. FUCK! I don't even know what I feel anymore. I just hate myself. And I'm huge. 


HUGE HUGE HUGE! 


I used to be the little one, now I'm like three times the size of anyone else. I went from the skinny little Nikki to the fat girl. I'm the fat girl. I hate being the fat girl! And now I feel bad for ranting about all of this. I'm just insane, I'm mentally and emotionally unstable, I'm fucked up. I hate this. I hate my life. I hate everything about it. You know I haven't seriously thought about suicide in years? I mean, I won't do it, I know I won't so don't worry. But it would be so easy. SO easy. 


I even got more diet pills yesterday. I now take four different ones and water pills. Every pill is one step closer to cardiac arrest... as if I wasn't at risk for that anyway. Or in the past I was... and I've always had chest pain. FUCK!!! I can't eat tomorrow. Screw being healthy. Fuck it. Once I start eating I apparently can't stop. I can't be aloud alone with food. I'm a disgusting pig! This shouldn't be so difficult, but it is! Why? What the hell did I ever do to anyone to deserve this? Other than my sheer existence that is. I want to scream; I want to cry. But I don't know how, I don't know what to do.


Oh my god. I really need to stop now. I'm sorry, this was a fail of an update. There is nothing about my day actually in here. Just.... I don't even know. Sorry.

Some things just never change....

I know this is like the  millionth post from me today, but I'm stuck at home bored and not in the best of moods. This is just something that's been on my mind for a while... the fact that I want someone to talk to about everything and nothing, someone to cuddle with and keep be warm at night, someone who can make me safe just be holding me in his arms, someone who believes in me even though I don't believe in myself... yeah, I know that's a lot to ask. I just wish I had something like that, ya know? 


But then at the same time, I don't think I deserve that. I would just end up fucking everything up for that guy and I would just be a burden on him no matter how hard I tried not to. I may be going down but I don't want to bring another person with me... and I know I have to save myself, but it would be nice to know someone out there would be willing to save me. I dunno... I'm just lonely all the time... I don't want to be lonely anymore. 




And to top it off, Truly, Madly, Deeply just came on my iTunes (Savage Garden for those of you who don't know this most amazing song). I was actually thinking yesterday how great of a wedding song this song would be...


You guys wanna know a secret?

One of my biggest fears is that I'll never fall in love. Never have a family of my own. Kids... and a house. I'll never find 'the right guy'. I'll never find any guy. I won't even find a guy to settle for... not that I would ever be the one settling. I want that. All of that. I want true love... but I don't even know if I believe in love. I don't know what love is... I don't know anything.

So far, none of this has been done. It's been almost 1 year. Proof I suck at life and am a failure...

I just want someone to hold me and tell me everything will be okay, and I want them to really believe it... even though I probably won't. I want someone to love me, for who I am, craziness included... but that's never gonna happen. I want someone who trusts me, even though I don't trust myself. But who is going to be all of that for me, when I can't be it for myself? Who is ever going to care about someone as insane as me. No one wants to have to put up with me... I don't want to have to put up with me. I really, really just don't know anymore.


Sorry for the rant guys.... really. I mean, I started off today thinking I was going to have an amazing night despite the fact I was sick as a dog. And now who's the loser sitting by herself at home? I guess some things will just never change.

Scratch that....

Well... you can disregard that last post. My friend that I was goin out with... it totally bailing. Our original plan was to go out about 2 hours ago and get some tanning in but then she didn't have the money for that so I was gonna go tanning on my own which I haven't gotten around too and then she wanted to work on homework for a while meaning we would go out later in the day but 2 hours later and she texts me with a million excuses.


Cool friends.