Bad day??

Click here.

Why?

I found this when I was going through my notepad the other night. This must be from January/February it wasn't dated like the rest of my pages though (unless I wrote a few that night and just didn't date every one, who knows). So I guess I thought this was fitting since it's show weekend. Also, Jordan, to answer your question... I was in a dance performance.

Also, just as a sidenote... I do have an appointment at the counseling center Monday 4-5 with the guy that I wanted. I think that I am going to talk to him mostly about the whole finishing senior year online because of emotional/physical/mental reasons and see what he can do about that. If I like him and he thinks I need it (who wouldn't) maybe I'll go back and talk to him again, but I'll be home more than at school so I could just start counseling at home. We'll see.

My bed is calling my name.
Goodnight loves <3

One day.

It just came out... and then I cried. 

One day... I'm going to love myself.

One day. Not today... but one day.

You're all wonderful :)

To my followers: I love you ALL. If you've read some of my most recent posts, I did get an appointment with the counselor I wanted for next Friday. I'm nervous... but I would have never been able to do it without you guys. This blog was the starting point for me being able to seek that support from someone else. 

You are all beautiful people and I hope that those of you who are in the same boat are getting the support you need or will hopefully be soon ready too. 

This one's right next to my bed :)

The world you desire can be won, it exists, it is real, IT IS YOURS.

The Versatile Blogger

The Rules:

1. Thank the person who loved you enough to bestow this gift

2. Share seven things about yourself.

3. Bestow this honour onto 10 newly discovered or followed bloggers– in no particular order– who are fantastic in some way.

4. Drop by and let your ten new friends know you admire them.

1. Okay, so first thing is to thank the person who nominated me for The Versatile Blogger. Emuhlee at Full of Nothing totally took my by surprise with this nomination! I may not always have the time to leave you comments, but I'm always following along with your blog and I think you are beautiful thank you so much! Stay strong hun <3
   
2. Share seven things about myself....hmmm.... let's see what seven things I haven't already told you guys SOMEWHERE on here....
1. Smiley faces make me happy. That's probably why I use them so much. Even if I'm talking to someone and I'm sad I always put a smiley face in, if not to fake my happiness, then to change my mood to happy :)
2. I prefer rum over vodka. Talk about random, haha :)
3. I lost my virginity in a car. Yes, a car. I know some people that aren't totally okay with that but to me the place doesn't matter and it's not like I was drunk or stoned, I made the decision 100%   sober.
4. I can only drive a stick shift in reverse. I have no idea why. I'm just stall out like crazy going forward... someone teach me? Haha.
5. Despite everything I've gone through/am going through, I am still a child at heart :) I love bubbles, coloring, hula hooping, jump roping (which I actually can't do), and limited responsibilities. I'm not a huge fan of the grown-up world most of the time.
6. I'm working on my pilates certification... I actually have to teach a class in a few hours.
7. I don't believe in karma. I think bad things happen to good people. I know this from my own experience and from seeing it happen to other people as well. I try to keep in mind that the only reason bad things happen to good people is because they are the one's strong enough to get through it and they are meant to help people going through similar situations in the future. It kind of keeps me motivated to keep pushing forward knowing that one day I will get through all of this and be able to help other people in the future. Other than that though, I hate planning things in the future because you never know what's going to happen... I would feel bad if I had to cancel for whatever reason.
   
3. Oh God. This is a hard one. I love all my followers. All 78 of you. Oh my God, that's so many. You are all beautiful in your own way and I love you all dearly! Okay, have I stalled enough?? I'm putting very careful consideration into this...
   
1. Unbeautiful at Thoughts of a Monster: Yes, I crossed out the "un" because I don't think it's true. I think you ARE beautiful and you are amazing in so manyy ways. You never fail to comment on my blog and be supportive. I wish I got around to commenting more on yours, but don't worry. I'm always following along. Hang in there hun <3

2. An♥nym♥us at Within ED:  Another girl that never fails to comment and just show me that she understands and I'm not alone. I know you've gotten this award before, but you deserve it again!

3. Lis at Forget to Remember Me: I love reading along with your blog, I love your photos, and I have to thank you for all the comments you've left me and for following along with my ramblings!! You're amazing <3
4. EnglishRose at A Rose Amongst Thorns: You are beautiful! Stay strong hun <3 I'm still reading along even though I don't comment much. Just hang in there <3
5. Silent Nightmare at Beauty from Pain (Inside EDNOS): This girl is always sending me *hugs* when I need them! You're beautiful hun! I know things are rough, just take care of yourself <3
6. A Beautiful Disaster at The Color Grey: I love your blog, I'm always reading along. 
7. Jessie at Screaming Silence: You are adorable! From your blog and comments I can tell that you have an amazingggg personality and you have so much to say!  Hang in there hun <3
8. Jeweliet at Back to the Disaster: I'm recently following you so I don't have much to say except to stay strong! I hope you're doing okay <3
9. F*ckedUpAppandix: Stay strong hun! I love you, I'm always reading along <3
10. Small as a Panda at Perfect Imperfection: I love reading along, my apologies for not getting around to commenting as much as I should/want to. Hope you're well <3

Those are in no particular order, and remember I LOVE YOU ALL! I defiantly want to drop by and leave everyone more comments though because I am following along <3 Woo! I guess that's all!

Much love! 

xox

That's me...

It's the little things in life that really shape who we are and make us so special. For me, a lot of people will never see that side of me... they don't give me a chance to ever show them. And you know what? It's there loss. Really.






Here are some of the texts that I sent out yesterday to people who really know me....

-dropping out of school to be a rapper

-even with my headphones i'm very self conscious of the fact that my right sneaker always squeaks

-just circled a mailbox and proceeded to walk down the street cause i couldn't figure it out

-i think i'm the only person whose every experienced almost being flown into by a bird

If anything.... I defiantly can say that I'm one of a kind. I think I'm really ready to begin getting better. I'm  by putting an end to the cutting, for good. I haven't cut in about a week and a half or so... whenever that last post about it was. I made a video to the song Still Alive by Steve Means of me and J and it has video clips and pictures from our road trip and other random times. I really want to be able to take pictures again, and videos, and do stupid funny shit. I want to be me again and life my life. I'm tired of all this bullshit. I'm really gonna work on being happy... more than ever. I need to. 


I don't actually have much to say right now... but yeah... I've been making a lot of music mixes and videos... and videos to my own music mixes. All I'm doing today is going tanning, getting some gym time in, and then I have pilates for about 2 hours. So yeah... I'm gonna go start getting ready now and head out.

Fuck.

So I just fuckin destroyed my leg... like legit. It's burnin like a mother fucker and I got some serious welts. I mean, part of me is like... you deserve this, you're a piece of shit, you should suffer. And then there's this tiny part of me that's like... what the fuck have you become? What are you doing to yourself right now? What is wrong with you? 


My whole leg is actually throbbing right now it's that bad... and like... I have dance all day and have to teach pilates so yeah I'm gonna be feelin it... probably for more than just today actually. And part of me is just like... wants to cry. I wish I had someone who knew, someone who I could call, someone who would come over and just protect me from myself. I scare myself sometimes... I really do. 


I don't even know what happened. I was about to take a shower... and then I got my razors out... and I think I only intended to make one little cut... just something... and then... I really don't know. My leg is just such a mess right now. I don't know why I'm like this... I don't know why I can't cry. I really really just want to cry right now and its just not happening. And I want to scream. And I want to break things. I'm just so pissed off... at myself mostly. At what I'm doing to myself. What I've become.


This isn't who I want to be. This isn't how I want people to know me. Seriously, this just brings up the point again of who is ever going to love me. I'm completely fuckin insane. Something is wrong with me.

New Tattoo?!?

Sorry for the lack of updates, my computer straight up died a few days ago. I should be getting a new one soon... hopefully really soon. Anyway, I'm up (well it's not like I slept I was out until almost 6am) and just about to take a much needed shower due to the smell of some things my parents would not appriciate while under their roof. Haha. I've been sick with a sore throat/cold for a week now though so I really can't smell a thing.

I died my hair some more yesterday, I'll have more pictures to come when I take them but since I was on my way out I don't really have a lot. The colors bled together a little bit so it didn't really come out the way I had planned it but I still love it! I had a few spots that the color missed and were still blonde from the bleaching, but a simple sharpie fixes that perfectly! They really are amazing for touch-ups :)

Oh and yeah, so I got the second tattoo. Haha, what an eventful day :) I absolutely love love love this one!!! 

Step 1: place permanent reminder on my body

Step 2: believe it

I also started writing a 'guide' sort of... about how to love myself. Wow. Who needs a guide for that? But whatever... it stemmed off K telling me to make a list of all the things I love about myself and putting it somewhere I can always see and read it. So anyway, I swear this 'guide' is going to turn into a fucking novel. Once I get some more done and get it typed up (handwritten due to death of my laptop) then I will share it with all of you lovlies <3

Okay, I think it's shower time... I don't have any unscented soap or anything here... but apparently I reek. I'll make due. I feel kind of icky anyway and showers always make people feel better. I just wish I didn't have to wash m hair but I'm sure, of course, most of the stentch is in there. 

Morning my beauties :)

Woke up at 7am... I have a 9am class... looked out the window, and my exact thoughts were "HELL NO!" Fucking snow, haha. So, now it's almost 10... I'm sitting in my PJs munching on a few whole grain goldfishies... all I plan to have today. I have 2 dance classes, 2 hours of pilates, company warmup, and dress rehearsal. I should shower. 


THIS MADE MY MORNING. Absolute BEST way to start the day. I recorded part of it on my phone and sent it out to a few of my friends. I am going to watch this every morning. I have it on repeat now. Oh my god! Amazing. Why in the hell have I never seen this before?!?



I kind of want to oil myself up put on a bikini and dance now. And if I was skinny, I'd already be ALL OVER that shit! Haha, wow... I'm a freak :) I don't care. I kind of love me. Well, who I can be. Damn, I'm in a good mood. See what hot guys that can move their bodies can do to a person?


I won't be done until 11 the earliest but probably closer to midnight... later actually. Ouch. I do really need to stop skipping classes though. But damn this snow! Fuck that.


I'm in a decent mood, sorry for my potty mouth. What can I say? I curse on a daily basis, sometimes like a sailor. People think it's funny sometimes the things that come out of my mouth... apparently I'm the quiet, innocent one. Fuck that. Wow, that's like my thing... I just realized how much I say that. I should really stop. I always hold it in around kids though, I'm real good about that. 


So how is everyone's morning going? I think I can start mine off with a little more inspiration... not that the video wasn't inspiration enough!

~~

Update - So I just got out of my first dance class for the day. I realized that I like not being perfect. I mean, I guess I kinda new that already because when my life was 'perfect' to me, there were still things wrong but I was okay with them which is why I was happier. But I was in class and my hair was a mess and I was kind of a mess but I loved it. It is an unbrushed mess on the top of my head! I loved having my hair in my face and all over the place... not in a perfect ponytail but having bumps... not 100% straight but with some curls here and there from the snow wetting it. I was LOVING it! Wow. Today is pretty decent. I like this. I mean, I'm know I'm still not happy... but today I kind of am. Today I'm dealing a little better, accepting a little more... today I'm trying to just be me, whoever that is .

Also, I did have a protein bar after modern and before hip hop, pilates, warm-up/dress rehearsal.

No Words :)

For my followers....

My Friends are Amaziiing

So I have to tell you how truley amazing the few friends that I do have are. Now, the last couple of days have been sucking big time and it's just everything I'm not going to get too into it because I don't wanna think about it. But basically the usual, I feel gross and disguisting, no guy is ever going to want me, I'm never gonna get married, blah blah blah. So my best freind, J, the one that I talk about a lot and get into a lot of fights with because we're similar (yes I'm finally giving names so it's less confusing) kind of knows whats going on.

So last night I was texting her and I was just really sad the last few nights... so I told her 'I don't know how not to hate myself' and she told me that I was going to learn... and that she was going to help me. I also, knowing the answer to the question asked her, 'Is it bad that i wish I didn't care so much about other people because if I didn't I would've killed myself by now?' and she didn't say yes like I was expecting but she said no because she feels the same. So my response was how all I can think about ever, is how easy it would be. She said, 'It is, but you go, I'm going after you'. Talk about a reason to stay alive, I would never want anything to happen to her! So eventually I was like why am I bothering her with all my problems so I told her to stop making me talk to her and to go out and do something fun. She told me that she was here weither I liked it or not.

So  really didn't respond to texts after that except for two people, one who I texted because I tried to go to sleep and couldn't becasue I was thinking so much, and another because he text me and I needed a distraction. So I text my guy friend, S, and he was really sweet. He's not the type of person I can talk to about things but I can talk to him about nothingness and be distracted from my life. So he was like 'I hope I'm your favorite guy friend to talk to'. So I told him that he didn't have to worry because pretty much all the guys I knew where being complete assholes, and then when he asked why I told him it was for different reasons but basically I feel like guys are nice to me and pretend to care because they know I'm crazy. His response: 'I think you're perfect <3'. Sweet, even coming from him. I said 'far from it' and he goes, 'well that's my opinion'. 

So then I get a phone call from my friend B, who is a mutual friend with J, and about two years younger than us. We really don't know each other that well yet, but he's a sweetheart and I absolutely love him! I didn't pick up but I listened to the voicemail right away. He said he was talking to J and that's why he called me, he was also a tad bit drunk :)

Anyway, I asked J later what she told him and I think that she told him more than what she told me she did, but I actually don't think I minded that much because it was him and his voicemail totally made up for it and it really did but me in a better mood. J called after I was texting her about his voicemail and we laughed on the phone for a good two hours about nonsense. But anyway he was like... he told me I'm hot like 20 times and that I'm the shit and I'm amazing and I have nothing to worry about because I'll get married and I'll get fucked (the part J isn't telling me she told him, only about two people in the world know how sensitive I am about being a virgin and how at 21 I already feel like I'm never gonna get married) and that I'll have kids and I'm an amazing dancer and he loves me. He started out with, 'I'm talking to Jen and I know you're having some problems right now but don't worry because...'. And just, it was just a hysterical voicemail. The two of them are coming down in a few weeks for my dance performance and then we're gonna go out that night after the show :)

My other two friends, T (I've known he since I was 3) and K (the one I spent NYE with) are also amazing and I think I've wrote of other times they were there for me and how they tell me they always will be. I didn't text either of them last night because I hate to bother people but K was the one that gave me the NYE lecture. So yeah, I woke up feeling a little bit better, although when I went to relisten to the voicemail I came across the voicemail from Renfrew summer of 2009 or whatever saying I needed to be in their IOP. I got a new phone so I was not expecting that, but it's whatever. Don't ask me why I don't just delete it, I really don't know.

I also talked to my friend S during the day, he's the one that transferred out of my school and left the country, but he always makes me laugh and I don't even have to tell him if anythings wrong he just always makes me feel better like he has a sixth sense of something, even online.

I love these people <3

New Year. New Me?

So I'm back at school now. Sitting alone in my apartment. I feel kind of sad right now... but I really don't want to let that get to me. I would have come later but my parents had to help me with some technical stuff and I just had a lot of crap to unpack. 


So anyway, I haven't really done an update in a while so I thought I would tell you about me year so far... starting from New Years Eve of course.


A group of us (4-5) were planning on doing something together New Years Eve and like a day or two before I got in a huge fight with one of the girls (I've talked about her a lot in the past). Anyway because of that I didn't spend New Years with her in NYC. I ended up having absolutly nothing to do and during the day got an e-mail from her listing 20 things she can no longer talk to me about (ED, cutting, sex, boys, dance, the gym... it was basically everything). So that put me in a really bad mood (I had already been in a shit mood since Christmas Eve, which I'm sure you can tell from some of the last few posts). I starred at the e-mail for over an hour hysterical in tears thinking about what I horrible person I was and I was texting people to tell me jokes and just keep me distracted and whatever. 


So anyway, one of my other friends who was going to be with us NYE but had strep a few days earlier also had kind of a rough day. So we decided to get shitfaced together. Now, it doesn't take much to get me drunk... and I don't need to be wasted so I didn't get wasted, I got drunk. We missed the ball drop. She was lecturing me to ring in the new year. I really needed it though and I felt so much better after talking to her. She tried to get me to name three things about myself that I like, that when I look in the mirror I wouldn't want to change. I couldn't come up with anything. So she said that I need to find those things and in the mean time do things that make me feel good about myself, tanning is one of those things. She also assured me that, yes, while we don't talk as much as we used to... nothing has ever changed and she will always be there for me and would drive two hours to come see me and spend a weekend whenever I needed it. She also told me that our other friend would do the same. Now, the girl I spend NYE with really does know pretty much everything about me, always has. The other one... knows bits and pieces because I don't ever want her to worry... she will, she has. 


So she left and I went to bed, woke up the next morning drunk. I had some coffee, got dressed, and was really in the mood to go shopping at the mall (I bought a new mascara for $25, it's good... but I don't know if it's $25 worth good). So the girl I had been in the fight with wanted to stop by and drop of Christmas gifts for me and my mom... yeah. I hate when my friends are friends with my mom. Everyone likes her better than me but whatever. She came by and I was like I want to go to the mall, so a few hours later after she had showered we went to the mall. I got my mascara, and almost smuggled the most adorable puppy home! I named him Stanley. He is a puggle. And he's absolutely adorable! 


After leaving the mall we decided to see if the guy that was going to do our tattoos was in today. He said he would be around 4. So, we went back to her house for a little bit (first time I've ever been in there) where I got to hold a kitty and then we headed to the tattoo place. We went to school with the guy (her for 4 years and me for 1 because I transferred in and out of high school). He did remember my face though and he is amazing! Like, I want to hang out with him all the time. We spent almost 5 hours there because I couldn't figure out what font I wanted and the size was hard, but he did it little for me! It was so much fun though like seriously I could hang out there all day. He came in just for me so it was just the three of us and he let me put my ipod in so the whole (little) tattoo parlor was blasting Blood on the Dance Floor songs... to which I was dancing the ENTIRE time. 


I seriously love when I meet people and can immediately be myself with them because it's extremely rare for me. And we talked a lot and he's pretty good looking :) 


But it was just the most amazing experience of my life. I was like his 60th tattoo ever! And it was free I just gave him a tip. Oh my God, he was so so patient! And he was just like you two are insane it was so much fun I can't even describe it I would live those few hours over and over again if I could. Some of the stuff you just had to be there, like the sound effects he was making, especially when we left. Hysterical. 


It was hard for me though and super awkward because it's on my forearm/wrist where I have scars and obviously he could see them and to get it in the spot I want it I was like 'you see that line, that's where the E goes' because the tattoo does overlap with the scarring. The last E was the most painful and is still a little red and looks kinda odd because it's on the old scar tissue but it's fine. I think I like it more that way. He didn't ask about the scars either, he just said he saw it and lined it up the way I asked. My friend said she was proud of me for letting someone stare at my wrist for so long (and so closely) because I get this weird feeling when my wrist is exposed. I also feel so close to him now because he knows that now and has seen my wrist and because he gave me an awesome tattoo and was just the most amazing guy ever to hang out with.


So after that we planned on drinking with the girl I spent NYE with. She text me on our way back she had the worst night so we picked her up immediately and went to my house to drink. Didn't get wasted. But it was so so much fun. She had to leave that night and the other girl stayed over. Sometime in the night we skyped a friend of ours which was so fun and I was talking to another friend I haven't talked to in a while from school and we're going to try to get together more. I really hope it works he's so sweet and amazing. He knows about the ED now because I showed him my new tattoo and then told him how I almost got a second one right there. But my second one is the red/purple NEDA thing on the back of my neck. I want to be fully recovered when I get that one so it's a symbol of my recovery and what I've overcome and I told him it was a recovery thing but wouldn't say anymore. And he goes 'oh wait, is that the NEDA symbol?' So yeah, and he's been around me with food in the past and told me he was worried about me and always wanted to make sure I was eating. 


But he was so sweet about it and asked if I was recovered, I said no I was working on it and he said he's cheering for me. I really do hope I get to see him more. I miss him. So that was the end of my night last night, attempted to youtube the ball drop and had the PERFECT timing but our video just showed coupled making out so it was a total fail. 


Then I just packed and headed back to school where I am sitting now and writing to all of you :)
I really do like that I got my tattoo on the first day of the year, and part of the reason it's there is a) dance and b) so I'll be less likely to cut my wrist.
Haha, before he started I was freaking out with the sound of it and him and my friend AT THE SAME TIME just said 'breathe'. It made my day, really. 

So things may be looking up for me a little bit. The new year so far has been treating me well. And now I have this amazing permanent reminder so I don't go and fuck things up again.

Do what you love. Love what you do.

I do what I do because I love if and if someone doesn't see that, then screw them. At least I know what's important to me and I know how to set my priorities. So what if I'm not the best student? Who cares? School's not always at the top of my list. There are more important things in life than just getting good grades. 


And if I have to skip a night out once in a while so I can wake up early to help someone else, than so be it. I volunteer, a lot. I do it because I love it, it's important to me and those kids mean the world to me. I would do anything for them. It's also good for me in a way because I do better in general when I have less time free time. I work with kids with special needs, anything you can think of... serious, or minor... they are everything to me. 


Any of my "friends" who think I don't spend enough time with them or get angry because I'm not willing to give up my time with these kids, or the kids I teach dance to, aren't worth my time. If the things that are important to me don't matter to them, then it's never gonna work out between us. I'm way to passionate about what I do to let anything ever get in the way of it.

Can't Sleep

I've been laying in bed for hours. I hate this. All I want to do right now is go into hibernation. I want to sleep... I want to be in bed, but my head hurts and I'm wide awake.

I laid in bed for a few hours before my dance finals tonight, took me about 45 minutes just to get to a sitting position and out of bed. I really just wanted to stay there. As soon as finals were done I got right back in bed... but I can't for the life of me fall asleep! I spray lavender vanilla pillow mist from Bath and Body Works on my pillow every night and it really does help me.... most of the time. I just want to sleep so I don't have to think or feel or anything. 


Now I'm sitting on my futon watching The Nanny. I don't know what to do with myself. Blah blah blah.

I'm so tired of pretending that everything is okay... these last two weeks have been hell. Seriously things are NOT okay. I'm not perfect. And I don't want to be... but I'm done pretending my life is great when really it's not. I'm done faking for the sake of other people. 


I'm sorry I can't fix all of you. I really am. But I don't know how you expect me to fix you when I can't even help myself. 


I'm tired of being alone, being sad, angry. I'm tired of hate. I'm tired of it all. I just want things to get better. I want everything to be the way it was... when I was happy. 

I want to be happy. 
Is that really too much to ask?

Promise Yourself

To be so strong that nothing

can disturb your peace of mind.

To talk health, happiness, and prosperity

to every person you meet.

To make all your friends feel

that there is something in them

To look at the sunny side of everything

and make your optimism come true.

To think only the best, to work only for the best,

and to expect only the best.

To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others

as you are about your own.

To forget the mistakes of the past

and press on to the greater achievements of the future.

To wear a cheerful countenance at all times

and give every living creature you meet a smile.

To give so much time to the improvement of yourself

that you have no time to criticize others.

To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear,

and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world,

not in loud words but great deeds.

To live in faith that the whole world is on your side

so long as you are true to the best that is in you.

By Christian D. Larson