Fuck.

So I just fuckin destroyed my leg... like legit. It's burnin like a mother fucker and I got some serious welts. I mean, part of me is like... you deserve this, you're a piece of shit, you should suffer. And then there's this tiny part of me that's like... what the fuck have you become? What are you doing to yourself right now? What is wrong with you? 


My whole leg is actually throbbing right now it's that bad... and like... I have dance all day and have to teach pilates so yeah I'm gonna be feelin it... probably for more than just today actually. And part of me is just like... wants to cry. I wish I had someone who knew, someone who I could call, someone who would come over and just protect me from myself. I scare myself sometimes... I really do. 


I don't even know what happened. I was about to take a shower... and then I got my razors out... and I think I only intended to make one little cut... just something... and then... I really don't know. My leg is just such a mess right now. I don't know why I'm like this... I don't know why I can't cry. I really really just want to cry right now and its just not happening. And I want to scream. And I want to break things. I'm just so pissed off... at myself mostly. At what I'm doing to myself. What I've become.


This isn't who I want to be. This isn't how I want people to know me. Seriously, this just brings up the point again of who is ever going to love me. I'm completely fuckin insane. Something is wrong with me.