Who am I? Why am I here?

I am currently a 21 year old student making an attempt at life in a studio apartment right outside a city. I don't have a big vocabulary and am not good with words in any way possible; for the most part I like to make up my own words. The only way I know how to express myself as of now is through movement. Movement is the only tool I have to distinguish my emotions.

My life was once what I believed to be perfect, but through a serious of very unfortunate events it all seems to be spiraling downward at a high pace with no signs of stopping (or even slowing for that matter). Good moods are a rare appearance and are hard to keep for long. It seems the harder I try to make myself better, the harder I fall and crumble. Whether I tell you my history right now or save that for a post at a later date is something I will figure out as I go.

I am an amazing person with very few friends, luckily though, those friends know how great I am and remind me of it when they feel I need to know. I feel that once I fix things in my life and have the 'perfect' life I once had, I will again be able to see all of the good in me rather than focusing on the bad. Decisions are not my strong point. I am often torn between right and wrong; the frustration is unnerving. 

I make mistakes and have a lot of regrets. I'm stuck in the past and see nothing in my future. Some may say I'm hopeless... but I'm hoping my stubbornness will prove them wrong. My life is confusing and there is a lot even I don't understand about myself. I deal with stress in all of the worst ways. I'm not happy about it but I think I'm secretly wishing someone will save me, even though I know that will never happen. For one, I won't allow it. I won't allow myself to be 'saved' by anyone other than myself. I try to put off a strong front at all times and no one ever sees me cry. I'm lost and lonely yet I would never let anyone know. Also, there is no one that cares about me enough to do that. Simple as that. There are people that say that they care, but I know it's all a lie. People lie to me all the time... sometimes thinking what they are doing will actually be good for me. But it really only makes things worse. Don't ever lie to me. I won't take a thing you say seriously if you do.

So what's my deal?
I guess I'll start from the beginning.... it's a long story and I'm not sure how much of it I want to write out but we'll see where this goes.

Ever since I could remember I've been told I was pretty. And ever since I could remember I have thought the whole world was lying to me because I just didn't see it. Since my earliest memories, I have always seen myself as fat and ugly. I thought it was just me and figured out a way to deal with it, until I became super skinny in high school. Well, I think I was just average.... the rest of the world however has other opinions. THIS is when I loved my life. I truly understood what it was to be happy, to have fun, to enjoy life. I actually liked myself. I didn't feel as ugly being thinner than I had ever imagined possible. Well, that didn't last long. 

Now I find  myself fat and ugly more than ever; and the worst part of it all is that I once had everything I ever needed to be happy... and I lost it. I hate myself for loosing it, though not 100% under my control. My life is a complete and utter mess these days. As I said, I don't deal with stress well... and just being alive right now, is the greatest stress I have ever known. So what do I do? How do I deal with this all? Well, lets see... I starve myself, I smoke, I drink, I cut, I take pills, I withdraw myself from the world, the list goes on and on. Obviously, none of these are good things. 

When it comes to eating disorders I have been all over the place. I know it all. While I do not promote eating disorders, they are not a choice of course, I miss my anorexia the most. I want it back. At the same time though, I know it's not healthy. I've come to the realization that I'm not ready to get rid of my eating disorder behaviors just yet. Until I am happy, I can not make myself healthy. I need to take baby steps and solve one problem at a time. And I DO have a lot of problems. 

With all of this going on, I still try to inspire those around me. Inspire them to be healthy, to love the life they live, and to believe in themselves. At times, it makes me the biggest hypocrite around... but I truly love to help people. Maybe it fills the void in my life of not being able to help myself, I'm not quite sure. 

So follow me if you want to embark on this journey into the unknown with me. Follow if you're interested in the things that go through my head, feel like you can relate to me, or need just a little bit of inspiration. I'm new to all this and the idea of sharing anything related to me is a bit scary, even though I don't personally know any of you. So bear with me during the process and enjoy the ride. =)