Wednesday, December 29, 2010

I've never wanted to kill myself as much as I do right now.

I finally admitted to myself that I need help, serious help. But I don't want it. I don't think I'll ever want it... and that scares the shit out of me.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

You guys keep me going :)

I just want to thank all of my followers, especially those who actually do look at my blog (which has been mainly rants and such lately) and a double especially to those who comment on my stuff.

I don't know if you guys know how much it really means to me. I don't have a single person I can confide in and just getting some stuff (even small) down in writing is a huge stepping stone for me. It reallly means a lot to me that you guys take the time to read/comment and you're all so sweet all the time. I love you guys <3 <3 

Remember, you're all beautiful and amazing :)

Also, I'm sorry I don't get to comment on all of your stuff. I really wish I could get more comments out to you guys because I really do hope you're all well and want to help you out when I can =) 

I go back to school Sunday so I'll have lots more free time to send you guys love then! Promise!!

'Confessions About Eating Disorders' Excerpt

Whoever thinks that eating disorders are something good and a glamorous thing, Your WRONG. It is a terrible thing. It hurts not only you but the people around you. You will end up killing yourself. If thats what your looking to do just remember this, Suicide is a PERMANENT solution for a TEMPORARY problem. You are loved and suicide will not help you with anything. Neither will the ED. -Anonymous

From a post the end of a post on Confessions About Eating Disorders.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Story of my life...

Don't call yourself a friend when you only care about yourself, saying you'll be there for someone means nothing when you don't follow through.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Let's compare scars, I'll tell you who's worse.

There is no comparison between scars. No two are the same...

There's a reason for every location, a use for every sharp object. 
The blood may drip... or maybe just show.
The reason why is never the same, it relieves us all in our own way.

There is a first, a second, a third, all the way to the last...
but remember, no two scars are alike... don't assume to understand someone else's pain when you're only there for yourself.
We are not that alike.

So tell me, how deep will you go?

Don't worry, I'm fine. Haven't cut a while now. Just something that came out of my head this morning that I wanted to get down in writing. It's not just about cutting, but more general than that. Only a few people even claim to know me really well, and they really don't know me at all.

Funny world we live in, isn't it? 

Friday, December 17, 2010

I'm trying...

Sorry I don't post as much when I'm home, but right now I just have something that I really need to get off my chest.

So I'm not good at telling people how I feel. I'm once of those people who bottle everything up inside and put on a smile even on my worst days. I don't let people see me cry, ever, and I hate it when people know I'm upset. It's like I want people to thing I'm the strong fearless girl I was as a kid, but I know that's not true.

Anyway, since my blog, videos, and journal... I have been trying to open up to people more. Everyone knows I don't tell them what's bothering me, or even when something is bothering me. People get on my case all the time about crying and tell me it's okay for me to cry. People tell me that I can talk to them about anything and they'll always be there for me.

But what I don't get is when I do try to reach out, when I do try to let people in, when I'm broken and at my weakest moments... they all ignore me. If I'm lucky, they may respond to a text. But just one.  And then the go on facebook and update their status (sometimes via phone) but they don't respond to me. Or they will text me,  call me, message me, whatever... with one of their own problems, and totally disregard whatever I had said last. 

Meanwhile, there have been countless times where I am been in tears on the bathroom floor, with a razor in my hand, kneeling over the toilet, wrapped in blankets in my bed... and I will always, always find a way to make myself respond to people when they come to me with a problem. Even if it's one that hits really close to home for me, and I never once say what a mess I am at that moment because it's not about me and I'm not about to make it. Yet I have friends who turn on their phones so if I really need someone I can't get in contact with them or people who, like I said, disregard whatever I said and turn it around to be about them. 

I just don't get people. This is why I never let anyone in. Because they don't care. And not letting them in is better than the rejection of them not giving a crap about me. It just sucks and I don't know how people and be so selfish and inconsiderate (and I realize I'm sounding a bit selfish myself right now). But seriously people, come on. Get over yourselves. It's not always about you.

Sometimes, it's about me.

There. I said it. I'm important to and there is no reason why people should be treating me this way. But I have no one else, and so I put up with it. But one of these days I'm gonna blow up on someone, I really am. Because this is fucking ridiculous.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Do what you love. Love what you do.

I do what I do because I love if and if someone doesn't see that, then screw them. At least I know what's important to me and I know how to set my priorities. So what if I'm not the best student? Who cares? School's not always at the top of my list. There are more important things in life than just getting good grades. 

And if I have to skip a night out once in a while so I can wake up early to help someone else, than so be it. I volunteer, a lot. I do it because I love it, it's important to me and those kids mean the world to me. I would do anything for them. It's also good for me in a way because I do better in general when I have less time free time. I work with kids with special needs, anything you can think of... serious, or minor... they are everything to me. 

Any of my "friends" who think I don't spend enough time with them or get angry because I'm not willing to give up my time with these kids, or the kids I teach dance to, aren't worth my time. If the things that are important to me don't matter to them, then it's never gonna work out between us. I'm way to passionate about what I do to let anything ever get in the way of it.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Music Help?


Random, but does anyone know how to get music on my page? I can't seem to figure it out for the life of me... I've tried numerous things =/ 

Haha, thanks!!

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Copy Cat

You know what I hate??

People who act like you just to fit in, or get attention, or whatever... I don't even know why they do it. But it pisses me off! Especially when individualism is so important to me. I may not know who I am... but I know that I'm me... I'm unlike anyone else. That may be the one thing that I love about myself. Sure, at times I wish I could be more like other people, more normal, more healthy, more accepting... but I'm not and I just have to get over that. 

I have a friend who has recently become like this... and I don't want to confront her of it because what if it's all in my own head? I don't want to accuse her of something.

Some things I've said in the past....
-This is quoted from a huge fight we got into back in June (I said this toward the end of the fight):
You know what? I do a good enough job treating myself like shit so I really don't need your help. Thanks.
                     - Well a while back, I dunno if we were having an argument or if she was telling me something she said to someone else but what she said was this. What I said to her in June.

-Something I've always joked about (for years now) is I always say if I ever did drugs, I wouldn't smoke pot, I'd just do coke. Remember- JOKE, I'm not doing drugs.
                    - The other night on the phone, she said that exact thing.

- She also wants a tattoo now, after being afraid of needles and apparently running away from the doctor so she didn't have to get a shot or something. She's also always hated tattoos and never really approved of the one I want on my wrist for well over a year, maybe two now... but now all she can talk about is this damn tattoo she's getting.

- I can't go to the dentist alone, or doctor sometimes depending on what kind of doctor. I just won't go there if I'm left to take myself. Plus, I have to get happy gas at the dentist so I need a ride home. Now I have to bring her to the dentist next week because she apparently won't go on her own, which she's done before. I just don't get it. I mean, I know she has her own reasons for not liking the dentist but really?

- And with all of the trust issues I have, she's the one that knows the most about me and that I can confide in the most with... and same goes for her, although she does have other people she talks to I really just have her. Anyway, I always go back to the fact that no one will ever love me and I'm always going to be alone. I honestly believe that everyone leave me. And I blame myself every time. Well, the other night or last week or something she brought up how everyone leaves her.

- Oh and the whole thing about crying. I like never cry, sometimes I don't even think I can. And when I do cry, on those rare occasions... it's like... a single tear. I wish I could cry. I really do. I say it all the time but it's like I just don't know how. And now all of the sudden my friend, who used to cry all the time, just can't cry. Just out of nowhere.

- It even comes down to that I feel like I'm the reason for her ED and SI (if that's real). I feel like she got it from me and it's all my fault.

I just feel like I'm not my own person anymore. I hate people who are like that but at the end of the day she's been my best friend for years... I don't know what to do. I tried to talk to her about it but I don't know how to bring it up. I don't want to accuse her or start a fight. I mean there are other things too, these are just what I think are a few of the bigger issues. It's fucking confusing is what it is. 

Any advice? 
Sorry for venting so much lately by the way, I promise, happy posts coming soon!


Can't Sleep

I've been laying in bed for hours. I hate this. All I want to do right now is go into hibernation. I want to sleep... I want to be in bed, but my head hurts and I'm wide awake.

I laid in bed for a few hours before my dance finals tonight, took me about 45 minutes just to get to a sitting position and out of bed. I really just wanted to stay there. As soon as finals were done I got right back in bed... but I can't for the life of me fall asleep! I spray lavender vanilla pillow mist from Bath and Body Works on my pillow every night and it really does help me.... most of the time. I just want to sleep so I don't have to think or feel or anything. 

Now I'm sitting on my futon watching The Nanny. I don't know what to do with myself. Blah blah blah.

I'm so tired of pretending that everything is okay... these last two weeks have been hell. Seriously things are NOT okay. I'm not perfect. And I don't want to be... but I'm done pretending my life is great when really it's not. I'm done faking for the sake of other people. 

I'm sorry I can't fix all of you. I really am. But I don't know how you expect me to fix you when I can't even help myself. 

I'm tired of being alone, being sad, angry. I'm tired of hate. I'm tired of it all. I just want things to get better. I want everything to be the way it was... when I was happy. 

I want to be happy. 
Is that really too much to ask?

Sunday, December 5, 2010

White Light

I have too much to say so I'm just going to tell you what I'm doing now. I am sitting in the library putting off papers that I don't understand and studying for exams that I don't even know what they're on. I need this all for tomorrow... which also happens to be my birthday. 

My plans for tomorrow (I'll add in gym and tanning whenever I get a chance to run down there):
- 7am pilates pedagogy test
- 10:30-12:30 theatre production final (I'm not doin' so hot in this class)
- 3:30-5:30 world musics exam (I'm legit failing this class)
- 7-8pm photo shoot for dance

So basically, I need one of my papers (3-5 pages) for theatre production and 3 papers about 2 pages long each of reviews from performances for world musics. I have other papers due other days, this is just for tomorrow. I haven't started a single one of those nor to I know what I'm supposed to be writing, or even studying in the case of world musics. 

I also need to get the order to pilates because it's level IV which I'm still not to great with teaching. And as for the photo shoot thing... we need close-up head shots to be blown up to about 9 feet tall that will be on stage with us. I don't know if I've talked about my fear and hatred for cameras yet on here... but it's serious business. I sometimes hyperventilate and I refuse to look at my own picture even if I let someone take it just because I know it's going to make me feel like crap.

And like I said, tomorrow, when I have all of this, is my birthday. My 21st birthday. Awesome, huh?

So I never go to the library, and being tomorrow is the first day of finals, it's jam packed. People are sitting on the floor. I walked up and down about 3 floors and got lost in the middle of bumblefuck nowhere surrounded by books with not a person in sight before I found a guy packing up his stuff to leave and took his seat. I don't know a thing about libraries, I don't know how they work or anything. It's like a big deal that I'm here.

Although I'm thinking of coming more often just for the simple fact that it will prevent me from binging because I'll be out. It could work.

Oh and as for the title.... I don't know if I've talked about my white light analogy before. But basically I feel like I'm a white light. When you mix every color of light you get white... well when I have too many emotions and am feeling too many things all at once I go blank, like a white light. So, yeah.

I think I'm gonna head out soon. Damn library is boring as hell and I hate this quiet. It's freakin' me out man. Haha, I've been makin' so much  noise. Whoops! Plus I have a killer headache. I haven't started a single paper. God damn. Not to mention, I'm still a little lost even though I found people. I'm not so sure I know how to get out of here, hahaha.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Promise Yourself

To be so strong that nothing

can disturb your peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness, and prosperity

to every person you meet.

To make all your friends feel
that there is something in them

To look at the sunny side of everything
and make your optimism come true.

To think only the best, to work only for the best,

and to expect only the best.
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others
as you are about your own.

To forget the mistakes of the past

and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
To wear a cheerful countenance at all times
and give every living creature you meet a smile.

To give so much time to the improvement of yourself

that you have no time to criticize others.
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear,
and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world,

not in loud words but great deeds.
To live in faith that the whole world is on your side
so long as you are true to the best that is in you.

By Christian D. Larson

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

True Happiness

I could go on about this forever.... but all I'm going to say is this is more true to me than I could ever imagine.
And right now... I am failing everyone, which results in me failing myself. If anything... I have hurt people trying to make myself happy.

I'm so sorry.


You know what... I am going to go on about it. I'm going to go on because I think that I need to say it if nothing else just to admit it to myself and work through it and try to work out what the fuck is wrong with me. I'm sorry if I ramble, you don't really even have to read this if you don't want.

I don't even know where to start. I'm on the verge of tears... I just binged. I suck at life. I don't know what's wrong with me or why I feel the need to be the tiniest girl in the world. I just want to know what is wrong with me and why I'm the way I am.

Anyway, I saw this quote and it made so much sense to be. I am eventually doing to be a dance movement therapist. I love helping people, especially kids. I feel so good when I do. I forget about all the shit that doesn't matter and I just enjoy helping other people. I love to make people smile, I love to give people hugs when they're crying. I hate when other people are sad, I really really do. I love volunteering, it's why I never really had a job. It's just such a huge part of who I am. I work with kids mostly... and I would do anything for them. Anything. 

I know I'm a terrible person... yet for some reason, I still have a ton of kids that look up to me. They're the reason I want to be better. I can't stand the thought of them looking up to who I actually am. I would die if I found out that any of my kids did a single one of the stupid things that I do. Besides all the kids I've taught dance to or the kids I've met through volunteering... there are two little girls that I love more than anything. One of them, is my 2 year old cousin, the other is a little girl in first grade that my mom used to watch since she was about 3months old. I know for a fact that she looks up to me. She's so smart and beautiful and talented. I want her to always know that. 

I totally went off what I was initially going to say. 

In the last year or so, things have gotten really really bad with me. And since at least last spring, my best friend has been saying that she has an ED and she told me she cuts a few weeks ago (which was news to me). Anyway, I try to help her as much as I can... the thing is she is my biggest trigger. I still try though, I really really do. But I also can't help feeling like if these things are all true (I don't even know) that if she didn't know me she would've found better ways to deal with her stress. I feel like I am a huge part of why she does what she does. She saw me when I was skinny and happy... maybe she thinks she can have that? I don't know, but whatever it is I feel like I've totally failed her and I'm kicking myself for it. I hate myself for that. All I want is for her to be happy and instead I feel like I've done this to her... which makes me miserable.

When she mentioned cutting, I had been in the best mood ever... on top of the world. But I did a total 180 when I heard that. I ended up crying in my bed for hours, not moving. I didn't want to be alone but no one was around that night. I was afraid to be alone. I was in such a low place, my heart literally sank. Yeah, she triggers me with ED stuff a lot... but the cutting. Really? If this is true... I feel like it's because she saw some cuts on my wrist over the summer (she apparently started after that). I just really don't know.

I've hurt so many people because of my misery. My ED, SI.... everything. I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt anyone, ever. I never wanted to put anyone through what I did. I hate myself even more for knowing the pain I've caused other people. I'm such a mess. This is exactly why no one will ever love me... why I won't let anyone love me. I don't want to hurt them. I push people away because I know I'll only end up ruining their lives. I don't want to do that to them... but I'm just not that great at lying all the time.

I'm sorry I can't always fake a smile anymore. I'm sorry for being me. I wish I could be a better person. Someone who could be loved, who would make a great role model, anyone but myself. I did this to myself, it's no one's fault but my own and I don't want to drag anyone down with me. I'm better off alone.