And she twists and she whirls and she dances it all away.

It wouldn't let me embed the video but I just found this song today... it could pretty much be about me. This is my life.

Ballerina Out of Control

Also... check out my SONGS page... over 100 positive, uplifting, recovery oriented songs to add to your playlist!! And I'm pretty sure there's a little of ever genre. And of course, feel free to give me more songs if you have some that you want to share that aren't listed yet!!

She's got issues **trigger warning**

Third post of the day. My apologies... I'm obviously a bit bipolar. I mean... not really, I just have extreme highs and lows. Do with that what you want. I am also going to apologize ahead of time for not having inspiration in this post... maybe I'll get a little in the end for you guys, but I'm not just feelin it.

So I ate way way way too much today. I actually wanted to puke while eating at one point. I feel uber gross. I might hang out over the toilet for a while tonight and see what happens. I'm gonna pop a few ex-lax also... and I'll pick up more diet pills this week since I'm out of both green tea and hydroxycut, and I haven't had hoodia in a long time =/ 

**sigh**

I'm going to really restrict this week. I have to. I know I'll have no problems over the weekend because I will be dancing all day every day, literally. As for work... I'm gonna have to bring something. If I can avoid actually eating it... I will. 


I hate this. Why did I have to eat so much?
Because it's not under my control, that's why.


If it were up to me... I wouldn't eat at all. 


Or, hey, here's an idea... maybe I'd eat healthy. Normal. What a fuckin concept.


My tummy. It feels so huge. It feels so.... **gag**

I hate this feeling. I hate how no one who knows me understands this feeling. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad they've never experienced it... but they all think I'm crazy. I am crazy. Fuck.


I'm that crazy bitch. I'm that pyscho girl that's gonna end up in a mental institution one day. I 'm one of the most self destructive people ever! Why does it have to be so difficult for me to fucking like myself. 






I need sharper razors. I need to go to the art store. I need blades. Sharp, searing blades.










Plan for tomorrow. Get up. Write morning pages. Light workout in the apartment. Shower. Makeup and hair. Loud music. Lots of loud music. Go to work. Since I start at 11:30, pull off the big breakfast again? Or make a phone call at 1pm? I have to make a call between 1 and 4. When she goes for lunch, I'll dial the phone. I can't eat lunch. It's one of the scariest meals for me. Leave work... go straight to dance (hopefully). If I can get back to campus by 7pm, dance. Possibly hit up the gym after? I need to clean, and will need to shower... again. I hate feeling smelly. Go to sleep right away.


I feel as though I'm getting a cold. It's been like this a while. Pretty sure it's just allergies. I'll be spending the next three days with 2 cats. Awesome. I have no idea what to wear tomorrow. Maybe a sweatshirt?


I am grotesque. I am such a joke. 


Even the boy (I hope by now you all realize who I mean by 'the boy') told me that when I'm with him I'm not aloud to cut. I mean... technically I'm not with him right now. Not physically, not as far as a relationship. We barely even speak. So, yeah. My internship has kept me away from my wrists. I guess that's a step forward.

Although my legs will never again be the same. Not that I ever cared for anyone to see them in the first place. If I need to, for this week... after work. If I feel like eating... in addition to the cigarettes I can chain smoke walking back from dance. I'll just make a drink. Nothing huge... but I never eat when alcohol is involved. So I'll get a few calories in here and there. It's whatever. Just one drink after work. I'll limit myself and keep it under control. I don't wanna be forever known as that wasted girl in class. I feel like that's why I'm not quite as close with the other dance majors as I used to be. 


People say they care... and then they leave. They can't deal with me.


I don't blame them. I can't deal with me either... I just spend every day of my life talking myself out of suicide. Sometimes I see the good in life. I see the little girls that look up to me, the people who are depending on me, the commitments I've already made...

I've never been one to take the easy way out. But I'm learning that there's a first for everything.
I'm sorry.

Beautiful Girl

Just got this for free off itunes <3

The perfection of my frailty has been questioned and broken....

This is the most intense music video I've ever seen... I really can't stop watching it... and it just makes me feel... yeah I dunno. Seriously, it gives me chills though...especially the first time she's looking in the mirror and he comes up behind her.

So I'm not doing that great today... but I'll get through it. I'll figure it out somehow.

BLACKLIGHT PARTY!!!

Okay, so I'm super excited. I'm throwing a blacklight party in a few weeks with glowing drinks, a stobe light, and lots of dancing to loud music. I have blacklight posters and things so random stuff in my tiny little apartment glow. It's great! I splattered smiley face balloons with glow paint. I just wish I could hang them or something.

Yeah so I had my own little blacklight dance party by myself one night and went a little paint happy. I hung this over the bathroom door. Haha, I always say 'rawr'... it makes me intimidating :)

Wooo balloons! Ha. I'm such a child. I love it though. For the most part I've been in a really good mood the last two weeks. Hopefully it'll last. I'm basically gonna be cramming as many people in my apartment as possible (hopefully a lot of people show up). I made some rules and an official poster, with glow paint, and hung it above my closet door right near the blacklight so everyone can see! Haha :)

This girl's gonna be alright.

Music Help?

Hi!!


Random, but does anyone know how to get music on my page? I can't seem to figure it out for the life of me... I've tried numerous things =/ 


Haha, thanks!!

Feel good song, feel good day?

Every single night we fight to get a little high on life
To get a little something right, something real, at least we try

Pretty much gonna be my theme song from the night. Then again, what isn't my theme song at one point or another??


Hoping tonight is a good night, especially after a felt sick all  morning. Damn allergies. I can't even tell you how long I was laying on my bathroom floor for. And I dried my hair while kneeling over the toilet, yeah... I was that sick.


I'm fine now. I managed to get some dry food down. I'm gonna ease up on the pills for today just cause I wasn't feelin so hot this morning and I know I'm gonna be drinkin later. I need to go tanning too... I got a free birthday tan at Hollywood Tans so maybe I'll print that out and once my mom brings my car back I'll head out.


I just wanna dance =) Haha... which is my like.... all the time! I know! I gotta charge/sync my ipod. I really hope I'm not driving tonight.... wasted wayyy too much gas on nothing last night. 

I'm just gonna forget everything and drunk off my ass tonight... forget all the shit I've been through, the shit I'm going through, the fact that I have no one... I'm just gonna have fun. I'm not gonna care about anything.