Boy toy please.

So... every time the boy signs online... my heart kinda sinks.


It's not like I'm in love with him or anything... but you know that feeling?? 


Nikki... he hates you. GET THE FUCK OVER IT!!!


I just miss having someone... I need a new fuck buddy... and someone to talk to late into the night/early into the morning.


What guy is ever gonna wanna sleep with me?!?


He did.


I need to get someone drunk...

I just want him not to hate me. I want to talk to him. No, he doesn't want anything to do with you! I just want him to talk to me... say anything... let me explain why I freaked on him. He doesn't care. Get the fuck over it.


I'm sorry....

She's got issues **trigger warning**

Third post of the day. My apologies... I'm obviously a bit bipolar. I mean... not really, I just have extreme highs and lows. Do with that what you want. I am also going to apologize ahead of time for not having inspiration in this post... maybe I'll get a little in the end for you guys, but I'm not just feelin it.

So I ate way way way too much today. I actually wanted to puke while eating at one point. I feel uber gross. I might hang out over the toilet for a while tonight and see what happens. I'm gonna pop a few ex-lax also... and I'll pick up more diet pills this week since I'm out of both green tea and hydroxycut, and I haven't had hoodia in a long time =/ 

**sigh**

I'm going to really restrict this week. I have to. I know I'll have no problems over the weekend because I will be dancing all day every day, literally. As for work... I'm gonna have to bring something. If I can avoid actually eating it... I will. 


I hate this. Why did I have to eat so much?
Because it's not under my control, that's why.


If it were up to me... I wouldn't eat at all. 


Or, hey, here's an idea... maybe I'd eat healthy. Normal. What a fuckin concept.


My tummy. It feels so huge. It feels so.... **gag**

I hate this feeling. I hate how no one who knows me understands this feeling. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad they've never experienced it... but they all think I'm crazy. I am crazy. Fuck.


I'm that crazy bitch. I'm that pyscho girl that's gonna end up in a mental institution one day. I 'm one of the most self destructive people ever! Why does it have to be so difficult for me to fucking like myself. 






I need sharper razors. I need to go to the art store. I need blades. Sharp, searing blades.










Plan for tomorrow. Get up. Write morning pages. Light workout in the apartment. Shower. Makeup and hair. Loud music. Lots of loud music. Go to work. Since I start at 11:30, pull off the big breakfast again? Or make a phone call at 1pm? I have to make a call between 1 and 4. When she goes for lunch, I'll dial the phone. I can't eat lunch. It's one of the scariest meals for me. Leave work... go straight to dance (hopefully). If I can get back to campus by 7pm, dance. Possibly hit up the gym after? I need to clean, and will need to shower... again. I hate feeling smelly. Go to sleep right away.


I feel as though I'm getting a cold. It's been like this a while. Pretty sure it's just allergies. I'll be spending the next three days with 2 cats. Awesome. I have no idea what to wear tomorrow. Maybe a sweatshirt?


I am grotesque. I am such a joke. 


Even the boy (I hope by now you all realize who I mean by 'the boy') told me that when I'm with him I'm not aloud to cut. I mean... technically I'm not with him right now. Not physically, not as far as a relationship. We barely even speak. So, yeah. My internship has kept me away from my wrists. I guess that's a step forward.

Although my legs will never again be the same. Not that I ever cared for anyone to see them in the first place. If I need to, for this week... after work. If I feel like eating... in addition to the cigarettes I can chain smoke walking back from dance. I'll just make a drink. Nothing huge... but I never eat when alcohol is involved. So I'll get a few calories in here and there. It's whatever. Just one drink after work. I'll limit myself and keep it under control. I don't wanna be forever known as that wasted girl in class. I feel like that's why I'm not quite as close with the other dance majors as I used to be. 


People say they care... and then they leave. They can't deal with me.


I don't blame them. I can't deal with me either... I just spend every day of my life talking myself out of suicide. Sometimes I see the good in life. I see the little girls that look up to me, the people who are depending on me, the commitments I've already made...

I've never been one to take the easy way out. But I'm learning that there's a first for everything.
I'm sorry.

Finding the beauty where there's only ugly.

I loved seeing all of the positive comments on my last post and I love to hear if I made you smile and such :) 


Sooo here's what I'm thinking of doing, and I have Unbeautiful to thank in part for this because of her new take on being positive in posts. So I will post about whatever it is I wanted to post about, good or bad... but at the end I will always try to leave something a little inspirational, whether it be through images, music, or whatever. I know I already have some lengthy posts so this will be adding a whole other layer to them, but I like the idea of always ending on a positive note.


Now, I can not guarantee that this will always happen, but I'm gonna try :)


So anyway, the boy text me Saturday night to tell me he missed me. That was basically as far as the conversation ever went. I don't really know what to make of this whole situation anymore.

J is finally talking to me again, about real things, which is good because she needs someone. It's not okay to hold all of that in all the time and keep so many secrets. I really do wish she wasn't going through what she's going through but it's relieving to know she can still come to me about important issues.


I'm still lovin' my new piercing! Having some trouble as far as cleaning it just because I can't seem to get all the way around it because I apparently have small ears (fun fact: the piercing finally made me realize that I don't have the huge ears I always thought I have). Anyone know a lot about piercings or have their rook pierced that has any advice on that? 


The weather is beginning to be gorgeous! Yay! I love it! I will try to spend some more time outside as it begins to get nicer out. I could use a storm right about now, but I won't complain about it being nice out :)


I also wanted to go tanning today, but I don't know how long I should wait with the piercing, and it's kind of an odd spot to cover up so I'm not sure how to just cover my ear when I go... but I haven't gone since last Monday and I'm really feeling the affects of it. I won't be able to go again now until Friday anyway, hopefully my color doesn't fade too too much by then and my ear is healed enough. I know people say it's bad for you and whatever but it just makes me feel better. It is a relaxing process for me and I also just feel like I look better with a tan, therefore making me feel just a little bit better overall. Anything to boost me mood a little, and I will do it. I still don't feel tan at all even though everyone keeps telling me I am, I'm used to being very dark so I still feel pale... but this is just a start.


I really feel as though I'm rambling now as I wait to leave for my dance class, which I could probably get ready for now, but I hope you enjoy more of the pictures. I like the visuals, I think they make things more interesting and pleasing to look at. Too many words all the time can be somewhat stressful :)

Can you really see through me now, I am about to go.

I have so many thoughts lately and I never know where to start.

My day. I'll start with my day. I woke up for work, allergies made me feel sick as hell. I only gave myself an hour to get ready so I'm tryin' not to puke while I get much stuff together and drive to work. I know I won't, I never do (unless I'm also on my period). But I wish I would. Just wake up every morning, vomit, and go on with my day. Because at least then I wouldn't feel super nauseous, ya know? Or if I could make myself do it, which I can't... I've tried several times. Just to get rid of the feeling. But then again we all know if I could do that I would spend most of my day over the toilet.


So work was good today, I really enjoyed the end of the day setting up a game for a client :) But lunch, awkwarrrrdddd... My supervisor asked me if I was hungry around 1-1:30ish and I said no but she was so she had her lunch with her husband while I hid in the office and pretended to do work, which I really don't have any to do yet. After that we went shopping for games and to get brochures printed and stuff. She's kind of all over the place sometimes so I don't think she even remembered I skipped lunch. I can't do that all the time, but I'm looking forward to having more work to actually do so I can say I'm not hungry and then just get shit done. 


Haha, when she came back from seeing a client I was huddled into a little ball in her office chair, hood up, skillet playing on pandora. I love to feel small. I need to feel small. It's comforting to me. So is the feeling of my own bones. When I get anxious, I can just feel my bones and it calms me down... if I can't feel the bones or they aren't prominent enough, I'm fucked.


I had rehearsal after work, and now I'm finally back. I've felt bloated and fat and huge and uncomfortable all day. I have a performance on Friday night. Fuck. I need my costume by tomorrow for tech., I need to figure it out tonight because I leave super early tomorrow and then am running straight to dance (late) because of work. Which means trying things on tonight. Fuck. In addition to showering... ughh. I literally can't change a t-shirt without closing my eyes. 

Now onto boy things. It's really fuckin buggin me. Still nothing. And everyone keeps telling me to text him, but I refuse to. I shouldn't have to. And even if I did, I know he would respond. He will always respond. But I don't want him to talk to me just cause he feels bad for me. He's just that kind of person. He loves everyone, he wants everyone to be happy. He wants to save everyone. I don't want to be saved. I don't want to be pitied.


And as always, the more I think of something, the more I put the blame on myself. I'm not pretty enough. I wasn't as crazy as the last two times he met me. I'm too fat. I'm bad at sex. I told him too much. I'm a crazy psycho bitch diagnosed with anorexia/ednos who is covered in scars. I have the lowest self esteem I think I've ever seen. There isn't a single thing about myself I like. My personality sucks. I didn't talk enough. I'm too easy. I'm not a happy enough person overall. I don't dress cute. I wear too much makeup. I don't wear enough makeup. I could go on forever. 


I let my guard down. For some unknown reason, I let someone in. And now we haven't talked in a week. Everyone leaves me. Everyone. No one likes me. It's always been that way. Hell... I don't like me. 


I can't believe I let myself think he was any different from all the other guys. I think part of why it's buggin me is also cause I really do like him. I don't like guys that often. It fuckin sucks. 

My supervisor asked me something today that really made me think. She asked how I like to be acknowledged for doing a good job or whatever. Did I like flowers? Did I like to go out to lunch? Did I like (fill in the blank)? And I honestly couldn't answer. It's like I don't think I deserve any of that ever. I dunno. I'm just doing what I'm supposed to be doing, I shouldn't be praised for it. Whatever.


I feel like there is so much more to say right now... but I just can't think... plus I think this is long enough.


Again, I want to thank you guys so so much for reading my nonsense. You're comments mean the world to me... they make me smile :) 

Some things just never change....

I know this is like the  millionth post from me today, but I'm stuck at home bored and not in the best of moods. This is just something that's been on my mind for a while... the fact that I want someone to talk to about everything and nothing, someone to cuddle with and keep be warm at night, someone who can make me safe just be holding me in his arms, someone who believes in me even though I don't believe in myself... yeah, I know that's a lot to ask. I just wish I had something like that, ya know? 


But then at the same time, I don't think I deserve that. I would just end up fucking everything up for that guy and I would just be a burden on him no matter how hard I tried not to. I may be going down but I don't want to bring another person with me... and I know I have to save myself, but it would be nice to know someone out there would be willing to save me. I dunno... I'm just lonely all the time... I don't want to be lonely anymore. 




And to top it off, Truly, Madly, Deeply just came on my iTunes (Savage Garden for those of you who don't know this most amazing song). I was actually thinking yesterday how great of a wedding song this song would be...


You guys wanna know a secret?

One of my biggest fears is that I'll never fall in love. Never have a family of my own. Kids... and a house. I'll never find 'the right guy'. I'll never find any guy. I won't even find a guy to settle for... not that I would ever be the one settling. I want that. All of that. I want true love... but I don't even know if I believe in love. I don't know what love is... I don't know anything.

So far, none of this has been done. It's been almost 1 year. Proof I suck at life and am a failure...

I just want someone to hold me and tell me everything will be okay, and I want them to really believe it... even though I probably won't. I want someone to love me, for who I am, craziness included... but that's never gonna happen. I want someone who trusts me, even though I don't trust myself. But who is going to be all of that for me, when I can't be it for myself? Who is ever going to care about someone as insane as me. No one wants to have to put up with me... I don't want to have to put up with me. I really, really just don't know anymore.


Sorry for the rant guys.... really. I mean, I started off today thinking I was going to have an amazing night despite the fact I was sick as a dog. And now who's the loser sitting by herself at home? I guess some things will just never change.