Super Triggering**

NO MORE FOOD! EVER EVER EVER! I FUCKING HATE MYSELF I HATE EVERY OUNCE OF MY BEING (AND BELIEVE ME, THERE ARE A LOT OF OUNCES). NEED A RAZOR. NEED A KNIFE. NEED SOMETHING SHARP. EX LAX. TAKE EX LAX NOW. FUCK FUCK FUCK. TOMORROW IS DIET PILLS AND COFFEE! FUCK FUCK FUCK! I SHOULD HAVE HAD MORE DIET PILLS TODAY WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T I TAKE MORE?!? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?!? I'M SUCH A FUCKING FAILURE AT LIFE! I HATE THIS SHIT I HATE MY LIFE! I'M FAT! WHAT THE FUCK? I FUCKING HATE THIS I HATE BEING SO FUCKING FAT I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT ME!! IT'S SO FUCKING EASY TO JUST NOT EAT AND BE SKINNY SO WHY THE FUCK CAN'T I DO IT?!? WHY DOES BEING ALONE TRIGGER ME SO FUCKING MUCH?!? UGH!!! OMG!! I KNOW THAT I WILL NEVER EVER EVER BE HAPPY UNLESS I LOOSE WEIGHT AND AM HAPPY WITH MY BODY!! WHAT THE FUCK IT WAS SUCH A GOOD DAY UNTIL NOW I HATE NIGHT-TIME I HATE IT ALL. FUCK FUCK FUCK. AND I CAN'T EVEN FUCKING DRINK TONIGHT CAUSE I ALREADY HAD A SHITTON TOO MANY CALORIES AND I DON'T HAVE ANY FUCKING POT! OH MY GOD I NEED POT. THAT WILL CALM ME DOWN. THAT MIGHT HELP ME GET OVER THE URGE TO CUT! FUCK FUCK FUCK! OH MY GOD I EFFIN' HATE THISS!!! FUCK!!! I WISH I COULD JUST FUCKING THROW UP. I WISH IT WAS EASIER FOR MY BODY TO DO! UGHH!! I JUST DON'T GET IT WHY CAN'T I BE FUCKING NORMAL?!? WHY DOES THIS SHIT HAVE TO GET TO ME?!? WHY CAN'T I JUST BE FUCKING HAPPY FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE?!?


NO MORE FOOD EVER... I'VE HAD ENOUGH FOR MY WHOLE FUCKING LIFETIME!!!!

Youtube....

So I'm probably going to put my link up for my youtube for you guys... or just start putting pictures up here. I don't like the idea of pictures of me being around the things that I say... just in case, but oh well. I might just delete my youtube account and put my videos up here because I can't make that private so most of my videos are unlisted. I try to make happy and inspirational videos but then with that comes with all of the depressing ones. Just like this blog. I try to be upbeat, but it's just been so difficult lately. I apologize for that, really. I do want to share my videos with you guys though because I make a lot of them. I don't save them because they take up space and if anyone else is ever on my computer... yeahh, haha. So I just upload them to youtube. Yes, all of the videos I have posted on here were made by me. I have some in random entries and I also have videos some of my pages. The Alexz Johnson one isn't mine, I just wanted to share the song with you guys. And the lyric videos on my songs aren't mine. Although the song video on that page is, and I also mixed that song mash-up or whatever myself. 


Yeahh, so anyway, my youtube account is Nikki94xx. If you go to my channel you can see most of the videos and then anything with me actually is it should be unlisted. A lot of my videos are EXTREMELY triggering. Please be careful. You can tell by the thumbnails/titles which one's are happy and which ones may not be so happy. Some of them say **TRIGGERING** in the description but I gave up on that and now just have a general warning about all of my videos possibly being triggering.



I use a lot of older pictures and a lot of my videos are about when I was at my lowest weight... but this one is actually pretty damn current... like, really current. And it stays that way for most of it. It's pictures from before my tattoo but after my pink hair so a lot of holiday season pictures. I don't actually think I have any really old ones in here but that's fine. I started this one a while ago and just did the finishing touches tonight.


I'm in a decent mood considering my week and the pain that I'm currently in. I think I'm just kinda numb mentally though which is really why I'm okay or whatever. I've been exhausted lately, like really really tired. So I have to be up and at the recording studio by 8am to get some stuff recorded for my dance piece... then I really wanted to go to the zumba party at the gym from 10:30-12 but I doubt that'll happen. We'll see how I'm doing sleepynesswise. Yes, I make up my own words. 


Then I have rehearsal 1-2, 2-3, 3-4. We always run late, which could be a problem... My 1-2 is a dance that I am in, we are rehearsing on the stage. Then 2-3 I have my piece in the studio, those rehearsals will be on time. If we're running over I'll be late for my own rehearsal and it's our last one, our only one with the new text recording that we'll be doing that morning, and we have a lot a lot to get done. I need to clean the dance and talk about emotion and oh my god it's really a lot. I also have rehearsal Sunday 1-2 and 3-4. Then tech is on Monday and Tuesday, dress rehearsal on Wednsday, and we open on Thursday. Our show is 3 nights (Thurs, Fri, Sat) but the freshman show (that my piece is in) has dress rehearsal on Friday afternoon and then is on Saturday and Sunday afternoons. I have to be there for all of them. 


Five shows. 
One weekend. 
Ouch.


Okay, I'm just rambling now :) 

Some things just never change....

I know this is like the  millionth post from me today, but I'm stuck at home bored and not in the best of moods. This is just something that's been on my mind for a while... the fact that I want someone to talk to about everything and nothing, someone to cuddle with and keep be warm at night, someone who can make me safe just be holding me in his arms, someone who believes in me even though I don't believe in myself... yeah, I know that's a lot to ask. I just wish I had something like that, ya know? 


But then at the same time, I don't think I deserve that. I would just end up fucking everything up for that guy and I would just be a burden on him no matter how hard I tried not to. I may be going down but I don't want to bring another person with me... and I know I have to save myself, but it would be nice to know someone out there would be willing to save me. I dunno... I'm just lonely all the time... I don't want to be lonely anymore. 




And to top it off, Truly, Madly, Deeply just came on my iTunes (Savage Garden for those of you who don't know this most amazing song). I was actually thinking yesterday how great of a wedding song this song would be...


You guys wanna know a secret?

One of my biggest fears is that I'll never fall in love. Never have a family of my own. Kids... and a house. I'll never find 'the right guy'. I'll never find any guy. I won't even find a guy to settle for... not that I would ever be the one settling. I want that. All of that. I want true love... but I don't even know if I believe in love. I don't know what love is... I don't know anything.

So far, none of this has been done. It's been almost 1 year. Proof I suck at life and am a failure...

I just want someone to hold me and tell me everything will be okay, and I want them to really believe it... even though I probably won't. I want someone to love me, for who I am, craziness included... but that's never gonna happen. I want someone who trusts me, even though I don't trust myself. But who is going to be all of that for me, when I can't be it for myself? Who is ever going to care about someone as insane as me. No one wants to have to put up with me... I don't want to have to put up with me. I really, really just don't know anymore.


Sorry for the rant guys.... really. I mean, I started off today thinking I was going to have an amazing night despite the fact I was sick as a dog. And now who's the loser sitting by herself at home? I guess some things will just never change.

Letting it out....

Sometimes I just feel like I need to scream at the top of my lungs. I don't know what that would accomplish for me. Maybe someone would hear me? Probably not. 

I'm sorry, but I don't do emotions. I just feel numb all the time. Sometimes, I think I get sad... but I've realized that I turn that emotion into anger because I can deal with anger better. I can't let people see me sad, I can't let them see me break down the way I am.

I'm falling apart. I broke through rock bottom and I've been stuck down here for over a year now. It's cold. It's dark. I'm lost and scared. I want to scream, I really do. But I think I have an overlying fear that even if I do, they still won't care. No one cares about me. I've been alone my whole life. Who am I expecting to hear me?

And sometimes all I want to do is cry. But I don't know how to cry. I don't know how to do anything. I don't know what I want from life. I don't understand why I'm alive. I don't even know who I am anymore, all I know is that I don't like this person. I want to change. I want to be 'better'. I want to have my perfection back. It shouldn't be this difficult to get something that I want so badly. But it is. Everything is hard for me. 

I just want my happy ending.

This is my video, I made it from movie clips. I have a lot more videos like this and other random ones. Please let me know if you would like the link to my youtube channel.