Super Triggering**

NO MORE FOOD! EVER EVER EVER! I FUCKING HATE MYSELF I HATE EVERY OUNCE OF MY BEING (AND BELIEVE ME, THERE ARE A LOT OF OUNCES). NEED A RAZOR. NEED A KNIFE. NEED SOMETHING SHARP. EX LAX. TAKE EX LAX NOW. FUCK FUCK FUCK. TOMORROW IS DIET PILLS AND COFFEE! FUCK FUCK FUCK! I SHOULD HAVE HAD MORE DIET PILLS TODAY WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T I TAKE MORE?!? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?!? I'M SUCH A FUCKING FAILURE AT LIFE! I HATE THIS SHIT I HATE MY LIFE! I'M FAT! WHAT THE FUCK? I FUCKING HATE THIS I HATE BEING SO FUCKING FAT I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT ME!! IT'S SO FUCKING EASY TO JUST NOT EAT AND BE SKINNY SO WHY THE FUCK CAN'T I DO IT?!? WHY DOES BEING ALONE TRIGGER ME SO FUCKING MUCH?!? UGH!!! OMG!! I KNOW THAT I WILL NEVER EVER EVER BE HAPPY UNLESS I LOOSE WEIGHT AND AM HAPPY WITH MY BODY!! WHAT THE FUCK IT WAS SUCH A GOOD DAY UNTIL NOW I HATE NIGHT-TIME I HATE IT ALL. FUCK FUCK FUCK. AND I CAN'T EVEN FUCKING DRINK TONIGHT CAUSE I ALREADY HAD A SHITTON TOO MANY CALORIES AND I DON'T HAVE ANY FUCKING POT! OH MY GOD I NEED POT. THAT WILL CALM ME DOWN. THAT MIGHT HELP ME GET OVER THE URGE TO CUT! FUCK FUCK FUCK! OH MY GOD I EFFIN' HATE THISS!!! FUCK!!! I WISH I COULD JUST FUCKING THROW UP. I WISH IT WAS EASIER FOR MY BODY TO DO! UGHH!! I JUST DON'T GET IT WHY CAN'T I BE FUCKING NORMAL?!? WHY DOES THIS SHIT HAVE TO GET TO ME?!? WHY CAN'T I JUST BE FUCKING HAPPY FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE?!?


NO MORE FOOD EVER... I'VE HAD ENOUGH FOR MY WHOLE FUCKING LIFETIME!!!!

ARRG!!!

I have the strongest urge to cut... I don't even know why. Nothing is SERIOUSLY wrong and driving me to do it right now... I think it's just because I haven't in so long (is that even possible?!?). 

So now not cutting is triggering me to cut?? What the fuck?!?


I've been scratching a lot cause I don't have razors here and I've been rubbing my collar bones (which seem to be slowly becoming more prominent) like, nonstop since last night =/


~~


I wrote this hours ago and just never posted it... don't worry, I didn't do anything. I just found this:

It really almost made my cry... I might cry. No... no I won't. I'm not going to cry over something stupid.

For my followers that have been here a while, you might recall that I am convinced everyone in the world is going to leave me, and that I am unlovable. You can't be loved until you love yourself, right?

If you've been on my BREATHE page, I have the post by Jen Lemen that I based my tattoo off of... so... yeah, this really stuck a cord with me. I don't see how I will ever be accepted in that way when I still don't accept myself. I am trying... really... 


I want to get better. I want to get through this. I want to love (like) myself. I want all of these things... 




But I also want to be thin. I want to keep my options open for a way out.

This is hard. Really, really hard. And there's no one that really understands what I'm going through... hell... I'm not even sure I understand.


I find it funny... how I am doing so much better... yet I still am like this. I look at these posts and think, "this is better?" 


I just want to be okay. I want to be happy. I want to  fall in love. I want to be fallen in love with. I want to accept myself for who I am.

Want. Want. Want. God I'm so fucking selfish!


But you always have to look out for #1 first, and that's me. Me? Number 1?? Yeah right...


So often... I just wish I was someone else...

The Crazies **SI**

Going on Day 3 of not getting out of bed, leaving my room, or having any contact with any human around.


Yes... my last post means that I cut yesterday. Nothing too bad... thank god. It was all on my wrist... I did actually almost cut right down my vein... I was holding the razor there and started to cry and didn't know what to do. I didn't want to do it but I almost couldn't control it. I didn't have anyone to call or text because I hate being annoying and needy. I don't want to be that girl. So I didn't even try to get in touch with anyone... I didn't even send out any "tell me a joke" texts. After I don't even know how long the razor fell out of my fingers. I'm glad it did. Who knows what would have happened if it didn't. 


So this morning I'm not feeling well, sinus headache from allergies... not to mention my face is full of zits. Okay, so maybe not full, but I don't normally break out so when I do I kind of freak about it. I threw out some boxes of unopened food yesterday... I always feel bad about doing that but it's whatever.


I opened my recovery books back up and started working on the workbook sections about an hour or so ago. I got to a point where I had to stop and take a break though. I can't do too much at once.


I also have the lifetime movie "No One Would Tell" on right now. It's the one where the girl is in an abusive relationship. I've seen it before. It's at the part where she's missing and the mom goes to Bobby's house. She's there now. About to find her purse. 


I feel so fat and gross right now. I really hate this. 


My wrist kind of hurts rubbing against my laptop... but I guess that's what I get for doing this shit to myself. Sometimes I would wonder what would happen if certain people found out. I always think they'll leave me... and it's embarrassing which is why it's not something I can tell or ask for help with. I don't want to be sent to therapy or something like that. I don't want them to think I'm crazy.


I don't know if I've talked about the different crazies on here before... but there's a good crazy and a bad crazy. And since I'm so much of the bad crazy, I think sometimes I try to cover it up with the "good crazy" which isn't really that good. But the "good" one is just like... getting drunk and doing stupid shit (which I can go overboard with to the point where it's not good) and the bad crazy is like "oh that bitch needs to be locked up in a mental hospital". Yeah... whatever. Some people know a little of both. T (ex) knows about the eating disorder... well, a little bit. I did tell him kind of about it... and found out last week that he remembered me telling him because when we were talking about people worrying about me he asked if I was eating. Crap. Anyway... he doesn't know about the SI. But he always tells me he's there for me and stuff like that and recently, he really has been. I miss having him around every day. 


He told me that it hurts him or that he takes it personally when I talk bad about myself because he used to date me and wants to tell people how he dated this gorgeous sexy girl or whatever. I just wish I could see myself the way he sees me.I wish I knew how he sees me. I think that I might still have feelings for him. I keep finding myself wishing he was here... wishing I was in his arms. It's ridiculous. Ugh... I don't even know where I'm going with this post.


I'm gonna get going now. Finish up this movie...maybe run out to 7-11 for some milk and vitamin waters. Gahh. 


Okay loves, I hope you are all well <3 Sorry for the lack of comments lately... I haven't really been all there.

Whoops....

One of my friends saw my arm. She didn't say anything, I don't know if she will... but there were other people around. I saw the look on her face though.We both just kind of pretended it didn't happen, that she saw nothing. I don't know is she's going to try to bring it up. I'm sure she's figured it out though. It's kind of obvious. Three clean red lines straight across the arm. The look on her face was kind of questioning and... shocked... upset, maybe? All I know is I didn't like the feeling of seeing that look on her face. I mean, we're pretty close... but not that close. The only issues she's ever really heard about other than school are my boy issues, the whole C thing... We talk sometimes... but, yeah. 


So I don't know what's going to happen. I dunno if she told her roommate, who I have the same relationship with as her. I dunno anything right now. I feel huge and disgusting. I'm not feeling the need to cut right now... but to take a handful of ex-lax and purge, which of course isn't usually that successful for me. 


I'm so tired. I'm so over life. I'm exhausted... it's wearing me out. I'm not strong enough to deal with all of this crap. It's just too much for me. I really can't handle this anymore.


I've been sick so I wasn't in class for two days, my friend (the one that stays here a lot) text me and asked what I had to eat that day... so I told her and asked why and she said that eating healthy would get me better faster and asked if I still had all my 'weird eating habits'... she doesn't know exactly what my eating habits are like so I just told her they're weird when she said she's never seen me eat. 


I really have nothing left to say. I feel gross. I can't deal with my life. I just really can't take it anymore.

Updating Pages

Hello!!!


Okay, so I know I said I wasn't gonna post again until tomorrow but I've been updating my pages. 

Songs- this is a list of songs I put together that give me hope for the future, put me in a good mood, or just touch me in a really positive way.
Poems- this page is my PERSONAL poetry, this is stuff that I've written... it's not very good, but I try =)
Breathe- this page is one of my favorites!!! on here I have a list of things I like to use for coping with whatever, I've also included a links for pages with other ways of coping or just pages that can help with ED, then I put a list of 'distraction links' if you feel you are going to binge or cut or do something you know you shouldn't  these sites will provide some distraction from your thoughts (I hope).
                    -- At some point I will add a book list (books related to ED and SI/good books for distraction).


I'm also working on a page for my journals (but I want it to be private and that's not an option) and I'm also thinking of a page with quotes and/or poetry I find online or that you guys want to share (credit will be given).


Which brings me to my next point... if there is anything you would like to add to any of my lists/pages such as links, websites, coping strategies, ect, please let me know. You can always feel free to e-mail me. I love suggestions!

And if you haven't checked out any of my pages yet, you should go ahead and do it! Kill some time, let me know what you think, what you want to see more of, whatever... I make these pages for you guys just as much as I do for myself so don't hesitate to ask for something or suggest something =)

I love you all! You're all wonderful and beautiful!
<3 <3 <3