Sunday, June 19, 2011


I have the strongest urge to cut... I don't even know why. Nothing is SERIOUSLY wrong and driving me to do it right now... I think it's just because I haven't in so long (is that even possible?!?). 

So now not cutting is triggering me to cut?? What the fuck?!?

I've been scratching a lot cause I don't have razors here and I've been rubbing my collar bones (which seem to be slowly becoming more prominent) like, nonstop since last night =/


I wrote this hours ago and just never posted it... don't worry, I didn't do anything. I just found this:

It really almost made my cry... I might cry. No... no I won't. I'm not going to cry over something stupid.

For my followers that have been here a while, you might recall that I am convinced everyone in the world is going to leave me, and that I am unlovable. You can't be loved until you love yourself, right?

If you've been on my BREATHE page, I have the post by Jen Lemen that I based my tattoo off of... so... yeah, this really stuck a cord with me. I don't see how I will ever be accepted in that way when I still don't accept myself. I am trying... really... 

I want to get better. I want to get through this. I want to love (like) myself. I want all of these things... 

But I also want to be thin. I want to keep my options open for a way out.

This is hard. Really, really hard. And there's no one that really understands what I'm going through... hell... I'm not even sure I understand.

I find it funny... how I am doing so much better... yet I still am like this. I look at these posts and think, "this is better?

I just want to be okay. I want to be happy. I want to  fall in love. I want to be fallen in love with. I want to accept myself for who I am.

Want. Want. Want. God I'm so fucking selfish!

But you always have to look out for #1 first, and that's me. Me? Number 1?? Yeah right...

So often... I just wish I was someone else...

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