Such a fuck up.

Jordan: Kind of, yeah. I just miss having someone more than anything really.


So... I saw J last night. I went to the viewing for her grandmother and then the two of us went out after. Things are good between us now. We have set up boundaries... but it's so hard to stay within the limits...


She's doing so well though (I mean, she misses her grandma like crazy), but in general with everything else. She looks great and she seems to be doing so well. I'm not there yet... I don't wanna fuck things up for her. I'm so afraid that I'm going to though... like, even if we aren't directly talking about something... if she sees me...


I'm still trying to loose weight (I may have lost like, the tiniest amount)... but once I loose more, she'll see it. I'm wearing short sleeves now... my arms and wrist are more exposed... I don't want anything to trigger her. She's finally got some stuff figured out...


And then there's also the part of me that's like... it didn't take her long to get help in the first place... this whole process (the worst of it) lasted about a year for her... and I know things still aren't "perfect", but they're pretty damn good from what I can see... and then there's me.


Always fucked up... 


I've had an eating disorder and been cutting for so long that I don't even know what it's like not to. I don't like making plans in advance because I would feel bad if I couldn't follow through with them... and if I don't make plans, I always have that option of just ending it for myself... and even though I don't think I ever would (if I was going to it would've been done when I was like 13) I just feel safer knowing that I have that option... that I'm not going to be letting anyone down if I did.


Although in my worst of moments I don't even think about any of that... but it's just like my escape... and I want to know that it's an option if I want it to be.


GOD, HOW FUCKED UP CAN I BE?!?


Anyway... I ate okay yesterday.
-Breakfast: special K protein snack bar and coffee
-Lunch: special K cereal
-Snack: small banana with peanut butter
-Dinner: Bahama Breeze- tropical fruit/chicken salad... so grapes, strawberries, chicken, and lettuce
-Snack: handful of mini rice cakes


Damn... that's a lot.


So far today I've had a bowl of special K for breakfast, fat pig, and a few sips of my coffee.


I need to put air in my tired and go for a long bike ride today. I need to shower but I just had the cereal so I'm really in no mood to undress. Gag. What is wrong with me?? 


Hope you are all doing well,


xox