Monday, June 20, 2011


So I need to apologize... 
1) for the obsessive amount of posts 
2) for the negativity of all these posts

I knew this wasn't going to be easy... but it's just so damn frustrating that no matter how hard I am trying to accept myself and to be happy, these thoughts just keep popping up in my head! 

It's like... I don't want them there... but I can't get them out. I feel so totally out of control in my own mind.

Anyway, I just need to focus more on the positive...
- even though I've been wanting to cut, I haven't
- even though I haven't been wanting to eat, I have 

Physically, I've been doing a pretty decent job at taking care of myself... (I mean, I guess that's minus the diet pills and laxatives)...

Mentally and emotionally, there are still bad thoughts creeping in. Like, I need some brain-raid for my thoughts. 

I'm dealing with the hair better... like I said, it's not that the color looks bad on me... it just brought back a lot of old stuff. I'll lighten it next week. The picture is from the day after I dyed it. I did shampoo and do a few things to fade it a little, plus it looks a bit better with curls/waves than straight.

Things will always get better... I guess I'm just scared. Duh, I'm scared. A while back I had a post about the song "Let Me Fall" by Alexz Johnson... and I remember saying how that was always a song that I could relate to, but then there was that one day when I heard it and when the line came up that says "cause I will get up again if you let me fall",  it hit me that... I don't think I could pick myself up again if things ever got that bad. I've burnt myself out so many times that I just don't know if I have the energy to dig myself out of that even one more time.

I think that's part of why I'm trying to hard to not let that ever happen again, and while a lot of my posts may be negative and I'm still cutting and engaging in very unhealthy behaviors... I am no where near as low as I have been in the past. People always talk about rock bottom... well I have broken through rock bottom... more than once. I just can't go through anything like that again. I don't want to have to.

I'm also freaking out a bit because of the lack of dance this summer. For those of you who have heard me say over and over, "dance saved my life", that is not an exaggeration at all. That is the straight up truth.

I guess that's all I really have to say for right now other than you guys are amazing and I love you all <3 <3


  1. I'M BACK AND I CAN COMMENT AGAIN. Yeah bitches.

    You're doing so well to have not cut, it shows how strong you are. And in regards to dance, don't let anything stop you. Let it keep saving you (: x

  2. Seriously, you are so pretty!:D And keep fighting those bad thoughts, you are better off without them!