Sunday, July 31, 2011

My life is a joke....

Amber- Thank you for your last few comments and being so honest. It's just so confusing. I don't know how I went from denial, to knowing there was a problem, to acknowledging the problem, to trying to "recover", back to denial. 


In general, I don't know what is going on right now. I don't know what's wrong with me... if something's wrong with me. I am currently putting off homework and have been in bed all day with the worst of migraines. I feel fat. I feel gross. I feel... sad? I'm not sure what sad feels like... maybe this is it? I just don't know right now. 


I contacted the woman about the free support group to find out exactly where it is and there is a meeting one week from today. I just feel sort of like an impostor... I don't really have an eating disorder. Maybe some disordered eating, yes. But an eating disorder? 


I haven't cut in a very long time (minus one little scratch the other night, but that really doesn't even count). 


I know I have severe body image problems. Maybe I just have BDD? 


Maybe there's nothing wrong with me. Maybe I'm just being crazy. Maybe I'm just looking for some way to figure out why I'm so fucked up that I'm feeling the need to label myself with something. I hate this. I hate it all. 


I just...
...and I think I made a post about this a few days ago...but....


I don't know what to believe. It's bad enough that I feel like the whole world is lying to me but my own eyes? How can I not see what they see? They must be lying. They have to be. I'm a fat blob. I hate myself for turning into this. I hate myself for everything. I've scarred my own body. I'm damaged. 



Of course no one wants me. And no one ever will. Who wants damaged goods? Who wants a girl who can't see? Who wants a girl that is in constant battle with herself? Literally, arguing back and forth in her own head? Who wants someone who can't distinguish her own emotions? Who wants the crazy bitch who is too numb to feel? Who cuts herself to ease the pain, to feel something, to know that it's not a dream? Who wants the girl who would rather not eat? But then binges late at night if something sets her off? The girl who's too afraid to shower because it means seeing her own body and being with herself in such a vulnerable state? The girl who has to close her eyes just to change a fuckin' tee shirt? The girl who paints on a smile while in her head the only things she can think of are different ways to kill herself? The girl who's a pain in the ass and difficult to deal with but it too fuckin' chicken to end her own life?

It's thoughts. They're all just thoughts. Nothing will ever come of them. Nothing will ever change. 



I am too weak, too frightened, to pathetic... but I will never admit to those things. Nowhere but here.


Maybe I do need help. Maybe I just need to be put in a fuckin' straight jacket... 


But do I need help from an eating disorder? 
I'm not so sure that's what the problem is.


My eating has been more of less normal recently... the thoughts surrounding the eating... maybe not so much.
But I don't have good thoughts around anything.


My head it pounding.
I spent longer than I should have in the sun yesterday.
I get dizzy so easily. Every time I stand up... from laying, or sitting. I often feel like I am going to pass out... but not once in my life has it happened.
Sometimes I wish I would... maybe then I would see I'm doing something wrong.
But am I?
I'm not so sure. 



I shake a lot to... my hands... everything... I'm always shaky... it's so frustrating... but I've always been this way... for as long as I can remember.


I hate this. I hate my life. I hate myself. I want to end my life. I'm far too chicken to ever do that. I'm fat. I can't be found dead with all this fat. I want to love my life. I want to love all life. I want to enjoy this world... to go out, have fun, get dressed up, go to parties, go swimming, lay on the beach, shop at the mall, wear clothes I like, feel comfortable... but none of that is ever going to happen again. So  many of the things I love are gone due to the fact that I hate my body. I want a new one. I want to trade this one in for a new one. I want liposuction... I've wanted it since before I think I even knew what it was...


I'm sorry, this is such a long pointless post... There's no need to read it... I don't want my crazy rubbing off on anyone... I have to go.








Friday, July 29, 2011

Scary Dream...

So I had a dream... two nights ago, I think?

Yeah... that's about right... so in case you didn't know this, when I was 19 Renfrew wanted me in their IOP program... well I was thinking about it and I couldn't help but wonder if the Renfrew I was at was one of the residentials if they would've wanted me in IP?

Whatever, there's nothing wrong with me anyway.

So anyway, I had this dream...


I was in a residential ED program. I really didn't like it. No one knew I was there... but I was talking to a friend (K) and she knew I was upset and I asked her if she could come see me/she said she'd come see me (I dunno) and so I told her where I was and she came to visit. So we were sitting on the couch (I was wrapped in my super comfy polka dot blanket) and I was just resting my head on her shoulder. We weren't even talking... she just came to be with me. Anyway... one of the people who worked there came and took my blanket from me (I forget the reason but it was something like I was using it to hide something, I dunno) and I totally freaked out. I started screaming and crying and I didn't know what to do and I was trying to get it back from them and my friend tried explaining to them that the blanket was comforting to me and there was no reason I shouldn't be aloud to have it and they didn't care, they just took it anyway. So now I'm hysterical sobbing with my head in my friend's lap and she's just kind of playing with my hair (you know in that comforting kind of way). I don't remember many other details. I know dinner was hard simply because I don't eat red meat but once they found out I would eat turkey meatballs, they said they could make those for me instead or regular... but it was too late by then because I had been kicked out. (Actually I'm not even 100% sure that was part of the dream or if that was me thinking in the dream or if that was just me trying to justify something and make it not so bad of a dream). Anyway, why was I kicked out?? Well my roommate hated me for some reason and basically jumped on top of my and got red nail polish all over my hands and up her arm so it looked like I had tried to kill her by slitting her wrist. What the fuck, right? And apparently a medical doctor didn't know the difference between a wound and actual blood from some red nail polish... so I was kicked out of the program. 

WHAT THE FUCK DOES THIS MEAN?!? Does it mean I'm crazy? Does it mean I'm never going to be able to get help? Does it mean everyone's against me?

Like, seriously... I know dreams have meanings.... any dream interpreters out there? Ughh... what the fuck? And I like NEVER remember my dreams.

And then today at dance camp I kept having moments of getting super upset because that's where I was (working at a camp) when I got the phone call from Renfew telling me they wanted me in their IOP program. And I refused. Without a second thought.



Fuck my life..

There's nothing wrong...

I feel like I'm just being dramatic something.
I don't have an eating disorder.
I don't have a problem.

Who am I to go to a support group?
Who am I to waste everyone's time who has something real to work on?
Who am I to ask for help?
I'm just being selfish,
needy,
looking for attention...
There is nothing wrong with me,
nothing that needs this kind of help.
I don't have an eating disorder.



Thursday, July 28, 2011

F This

You know what I hate? Other than absolutly everything right now? People. Fucking people.

So basically.... ugh don't feel like typing this, let me copy and paste from somewhere:

I'm pissed at my school. I hate it. I'm a senior, yet I have the last time to register because I'm not honors or a scholarship student. Way to only praise the smart kids. Like, honestly, I feel like the dumb kids should get to register first so we don't keep getting stuck with the hard classes, difficult times to get to. We should get first choice because learning is hard for us. Not to mention I'm a senior... but that means nothing at my school. Nothing means anything unless you're smart. And I'm not. And now I just found out instead of it opening at 7am for me like usual, it's 9am... but I have dance camp with the little ones at 9am. So now I'm super pissed.

I literally just found out about the registration time after bitching about the fact I can't register until after the rest of the world for a good week or 2. Like seriously, there are freshman that have registered already! Not fair!

So anyway... I text J asking if she was around tonight... you know, I really need to get out of the fucking house. I'm not in a good mood, I'd eaten ALL THREE FUCKIN MEALS today. Only 4 fat burners... 

Not a good situation. And of course... no response. She says the word... I fuckin drop everything for her and get her out of her house, out of her head, whatever she needs. EVERY DAMN TIME.

But then I'm online... and she's doin shit on facebook and logged in to gmail.

FUCK YOU YOU FUCKIN TWAT!

Way to just make my mood worse. And I'm the bad friend how? I'm so fuckin beyond pissed off right now. I like don't even want to talk to anyone cause I'm just... AHHHHHHH!!!

And now my text is formatting retarded. I HATE THIS.

I hate that I'm fat.
I hate that I'm ugly.
I hate that nothing looks good on me.
I hate that I always feel uncomfortable.
I hate that I torture myself.
I hate all my scars.
I hate my skin, my hair, my nails.
I hate every thought that goes through my mind.
I hate that I'm me.
HATE! HATE! HATE!

I hate it all. I hate school. I hate that I'm stupid. I hate that I'm boring. I hate every fuckin freckle on my body! I haven't cut in weeks. I really want to... like... really. I bought some razors a few weeks ago. They're in my purse... right here... and I can get one out... right now...

This post doesn't even make any fuckin sense.


FUCK!

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Life & Death

I still think about death, dying, suicide. I still have a plan of how it would be done. But I don't think about it nearly as much now as I used to. It doesn't consume my every thought. I no longer spend my money on the supplies I may need to go through with it.Things are different now. There are good parts of life. Good parts that I can now notice... maybe not a lot... but I'm just getting started. Everything has changed. My whole world has flipped upside down the moment I took that very first breath. The moment I realized I'm alive... and that life can be good.


The same can be true for you. I know it seems like a lie now... I know it did to me, but just look at where I'm sitting now. Sitting at my internship. Helping kids everyday. Finding the beauty where others can only see ugly. Alive. You can have this too. You just have to hang in there and be strong... because believe me... all of this is WAY worth it.


Don't give up. 
Please.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

FAT

That feeling of always having to pee,
that feeling of bloated puffiness,
the feeling of expansion in my belly,
the feeling that my face is swelling,
the feeling where my arms and thighs grow larger,
that feeling  that's so difficult to explain,
the feeling of fat,
the feeling of gross, disgusting fat,
it's the feeling of double chins and beer guts,
bubble butts and flabby arms,
love handles, it's all too much,
and mirrors remain to agree.
The feeling of too large for life,
it never goes away.
I'm it having now, I've had it forever...
it's the feeling keeping me from eating...
and holding me back from recovery...
I only want it to go away, to leave me be.
I need to shrink,
to shrink away from this feeling,
to shrink away from the fat,
to shrink away from my problems...
little by little my body needs to shrink away,
disappear into thin air,
let me be free.

Monday, July 25, 2011

New Book & Some Thoughts

So I've decided to start a "RECOVERY BOOK". I currently have two books related to my ED but I want something recovery focused... something to remind me to keep going, keep fighting. The others were meant to be that way but I still have parts in it that are negative only in that I was fighting myself. I don't want to fight myself. I have no one to defend me.


So I am going to put my post about luck (2 posts ago) and my letter from my 80 year old self (probably as the first thing). I want like a scrap book size... but I dunno if I want a scrap book... maybe. I want to be able to put pictures and stickers and decals on the pages and still be able to close the book. I want a list of reasons to recover. A list of things I like about myself. I want everything positive. 


I want to remember why I'm doing this and why it's so important. I want to find myself, figure out who I am, and keep fighting to be free. I want this more than anything. 


OH! And I think I may get my Subway salad tomorrow... and if not tomorrow, than next week!!


~~


Now, umm... just some stuff that's been going through my head. Kind of a huge fear of mine I guess... well... not fear, but something scary. It's just that... I have no idea if what I see in the mirror is true. For all I know, my own eyes are deceiving me. My brain is deceiving me. I don't know the truth about myself. I may have no idea what I really look like. I may distort the images of myself in photographs... I just don't see what the rest of the world is seeing. 


And that scares the CRAP out of me. I don't even know how to explain it... the feeling of not knowing if you can trust even your own eyes. How can I ever trust someone else when I am playing these evil little tricks on myself every moment of every day? I feel lost. I feel scared. I'm so confused.


~~ 


Just a random side note here... I keep thinking about the boy... and how he kissed my scars... how he told me he would do anything he could to try to get me to smile... how he wants me to take care of myself... he doesn't want me to hurt myself... how he kissed my scars...

Fucking school...

You know... I know I'm not smart... and I'm totally okay with that... but I hate when I'm reminded of it. That's just not cool.

So here's the deal... I register for fall term Monday, August 1st... I AM A SENIOR. Yet there are freshman who have already registered. Why? Because they are either in the honors college and/or a scholarship student. So regardless of the fact that I'm a senior, I get one of the last registration times. How is that fair? 



Like I said... it really only bothers me when it's pointed out. I was 5 when I figured out I was the dumb kid in class so I'm really used to it... but come one, this is just ridiculous!

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Sentimental Much?

I always used to get a little angry when people told me I was lucky because they really have no idea what I've been through in my life or the things I have to deal with on a daily basis. But thinking about it now... maybe I am lucky. The majority of the people who know about my eating disorder and/or self harm (and that includes all of you) have been nothing but supportive of me. All they want for me is to be okay. 


Me finally being able to open up to people has showed me that there really are good people in the world. No matter who you are, you can always find someone who cares. It's rare that anyone would ever do anything to intentionally hurt you.There is good in everyone, even if it's hidden somewhere deep down. It's hard to be a good person all the way through to the surface... it takes courage. 


Sometimes... maybe it takes someone a little crazy like me to bring the good out in people. But it's worth the risk. I feel like sometimes we are looking too hard to feel like we have someone, when really, we may be looking right at them. There are more people in our lives who care about us than we realize... and sometimes it's difficult for them to express that to us.


I have been one of the ones lucky enough to know that I have all of you plus a small handful of people who, although not always there, I know will support me and be there for me when I need them. And they may not know how to do that or what exactly to do... but at least they accept me and I know that they want better for me.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Numbed Out

I knew my good mood wouldn't last long...

I'll try to keep this short-ish. I ate a "normal" amount today, I guess... but dinner was hard. I was a wreak after... still recuperating. I talked to S (my friend in Italy) before dinner and I feel like we're growing apart after 2 years of him being gone... I hate that.



Note to self: Forcing yourself to be happy when your really not only makes things worse.


J called and was obviously upset about something so I picked her up and we hung out for like 2 hours. I was not all there. All I keep thinking is how much of a fucking failure I am that I can't even eat like a real person. If I can't do that then what the hell am I ever gonna be able to do? I'm just an all-around failure and there's nothing that I can do about it.


I started getting chest pains about 30 minutes ago... they've died down a bit. Sometimes my collarbones will hurt... usually before I get chest pain... that started like... 2 hours ago. Every little thing just seems to be setting me off lately. 


I'm feeling a lot more numbed out now. I didn't cry... came close... but no tears. I just pushed all the feelings down and put on a happy face...


I know they're going to come back, only worse. That's what happens when you bottle up your emotions. Oh well...


I don't really know what to say right now.

Awesome Night :)

I won't tell you my intake from yesterday or today, but you'll be proud of me.



Yesterday, I just had an amazing time... let's not worry about my intake. I saw the Goo Goo Dolls. Michelle Branch opened and wasn't very good so I screamed FREEBIRD!!! Anyway, then after the concert me and my friend were stuck in our parking space, windows down, BLASTING our two fav. Goo Goo Dolls songs... mine being IRIS (this song has given me chills since it came out... when I was like... 6?) and I just got so into it I don't even think you consider what I was doing singing... I was like screaming the lyrics and dancing in the car and people were legit doubled over laughing. My friend did it a little too but not to the extent that I did. That continued the ENTIRE way home.


I even posted some concert videos on facebook... singing included (although if it was real bad... it didn't go up). 


And of course you should all know that since #1 on my bucket list is "learn to take a compliment", I got some practice with that. As we were dancing our way out of the place some guys were going the other direction and one of them said "nice boobies" to me and of course I first say "rude" but then I added "but thanks". Meanwhile my friend was practically on the ground laughing just about the fact that he commented on my boobs.


Haha... I embarrass my friends so much... and you know what... I don't even care!


So today I've so far has a "normal" healthy intake. I am planning on having dinner as well. I don't feel too too bad about it but ughh.


Oh... I'm also wearing a tank top. First time in like forever!! But in my defense, I have not, and do not, plan on leaving the house... so it's just my parents and me (in my room). 

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Let me explain...

Sorry... I'm a bit calmer now. Thank god for my cousin, I swear.


So... my intake was low today, way low...


I had some coffee and a 120cal. muffin for breakfast...
Dunkin Iced coffee in the afternoon...


I had a really pretty amazing day...


I found this in the kitchen at work (I love my supervisor) -->


I decided early on that I would be getting my usual salad from Subway on the way home. Normally, I don't have any dinner on Thursday nights... so this was kind of a big deal for me. I was excited, I guess... and feeling really awesome about myself.


I was listening to "I Am" - Hilary Duff and thinking, "wow... I'm almost at this point where I can say all of this about myself..." The song really resonates with me. Anyway...


I was hoping to get my by 7 but when that didn't happen I decided 7:30... I knew I would be up late enough to handle that... but stupid morons on the road... I could've pulled into a Subway a few minutes before 7:30 but missed the entrance due to asshole drivers and after that was SO pissed. 


Now I pass 6 other Subways on the way home and still could've gotten into at least one before 7:30... but now I was frustrated, digging my nails into my hands (for the second time today), couldn't sit still, anxious as all hell, pissed off beyond belief, shaking... all over Subway...


So because things didn't go the way I expected... I almost drive my car through the one in front of me (he did cut me off). I'm surprised I didn't get in an accident cause I really floor it when I'm angry then put having to close my eyes every time I passed a Subway on top of it. 


I decided I wouldn't eat dinner, or anything for that matter. I was having the strongest urges to cut and was planning on it as soon as I got home and to my room.


Silly me forgot my 3 year old cousin (her birthday's actually today) was staying here for two days. I walk in the door and she smiles, attempts to say my name, waves, runs over to give me a hug, and then gives me the Panda bear (my favorite of the toys we keep for the little ones).


She is one of my reasons for recovery... so I forced myself to eat a yogurt with some granola. Now... I wasn't too happy about this... but I did it.


It's amazing how I go from feeling so strong, and so amazing... to almost driving through another vehicle...


I wanted to cry so bad... but of course, that rarely happens. I'm a little calmer now... but I need to make sure I do extra sit-ups tonight. Did I mention I had a total of 4 fat burners today? Less than yesterday... but I shouldn't have had so many...


I didn't cut... not with my cousin just across the hall. She looks up to me... she can't look up to me when I'm like this... it's not fair to her.


I also wrote this this afternoon:


I'm done being that girl. I don't wanna be the girl that starves herself anymore. I don't wanna be the one who hates every fiber of her being... I can not live like that anymore. I can't keep doing these things to myself. 
I have enough scars on my body that I know I will never forget my past... but it needs to be just that: my past. It needs to be over. I need to move on. This part of my life has to come to an end. I can't continue being the crazy psycho girl that people feel like they have to babysit all the time.
I need to move on. I've learned some important lessons from this... but it's time to leave that girl behind.


I need to fight this. I need to be stronger. 
I didn't realize just how much I was struggling until today, right now, this moment.
I just want to be okay.



....

I almost intentionally crashed my car over a salad....

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

I thought I was doing so well...

Hi everyone,


Well... I've eaten more... I'm supposed to be happy about that I suppose. 


So my totals for the day:
-breakfast was the 120cal. muffin and some coffee
-lunch was 2 slices of turkey on a whole wheat arnolds (which I pulled about an 1/8 off and thew away) with pineapple habenero
-i also had a special k protein snack bar (110cal.) as the second part of my lunch. and like... 2 watermelon squares from a fruit bowl
-i had an afternoon snack of yogurt with a low fat granola
-for dinner I had a small piece of grilled chicken (which I ate most of) with salsa and a few broccoli florets



It seems like so much to me...

Oh... and I've now had a total of 7 fat burners for the day. And I've gotten back into the 1 ex-lax a night routine... which might be 2 tonight... I'll try not to. I know it's bad. 





I saw myself today... I saw what I'm doing to myself. I went to leave a video on my friends facebook wall and I just froze looking at myself. Maybe I have lost some weight.That's not a bad thing... but I know it's been done the wrong way. I want to beat this eating disorder... not fall back into it.


But it's just so much easier. 


I don't mind being the only one who's not eating, I will still go out to socialize and I just won't order anything... it doesn't bother me too much... okay... so it can be awkward I guess... but... oh fuck, I have no idea where I'm going with this. 


Maybe I'm not ready for recovery... maybe I can just hold on to this for a little longer...


I wrote a poem today... it's nothing special. Maybe not even a poem... just some random thoughts formatted to look like a poem. I just blurted it out right after I saw myself. It probably doesn't even make any sense.






It's a funny thing really,
how I couldn't be happier to see the pounds drop.
Yet there's something inside me,
something way, far, deep down.
And I can feel it breaking,
slowly dying away.

One by one,
the pounds are dropping.
Taking with them,
the better part of me.

I feel so alive,
yet I feel so very empty.
My every thought,
my every sensation,
contradicting the last.

Wanting to get better,
yet letting myself slip.

Knowing I should eat,
but my body doesn't move.

Taking more pills,
with each passing day.
Trying to fill the hole that's within.
A hunger that can't be fed,
as I watch myself wasting away.




I'm never enough.
I'll never be enough.
I never was enough.

Jeans & Weight Loss

I survived the jean washing experience. It was hard... but I made it through okay. I wasn't as upset as I thought about the actual fitting of the jeans once I put them on. 
I guess I really have lost some weight...

"but it is
 funny Amber, I have a hairdryer down my pants!" <-- highlight of my day... things like this made the situation much more bearable :)



My mom came in to talk to me... she asked how I was doing, told me I need to start up therapy as it was important. But I feel like I'm doing so well. I'm so much happier right now. 


So far today I've had breakfast AND lunch...
-breakfast was the same as yesterday
-lunch was turkey on whole wheat arnolds with pineapple habenero... since it wasn't the round arnolds, i took the whole side off where it didn't open up and threw it away.

I've also already had 4 fat burners...





I feel like I'm succeeding, yet failing all at the same time. I'm not sure if I'm staying home for dinner tonight or trying to get myself out of the house... it's not like I have anywhere to go. I hate that. I should catch up with someone random from high school just to get out.
NO NO NO! BAD NIKKI!



I'll update more later on tonight and let you know if I managed dinner. I think... I think I will try.
I can just take more fat burners!!



Crap. 


I feel like there was something else but if there was I'm not remembering it right now.


<-- This is kind of how I'm feeling about mine right now. I mean, I know I'm still ashamed of them... but I'm trying not to be. And I know that I haven't yet won the battle... but I feel as though I have a pretty fair chance. I think I can beat this. I really do.




Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Big Day Tomorrow...

SUPER TRIGGERING!!

I'm sorry guys, I really am. I just can't help it sometimes. Please don't read if you are easily triggered. There are numbers and evil little thought in here.

So my rook is slightly infected and there's nothing I can do about it. Fuck.

I'm preparing myself for tomorrow... if you are easily triggered, you're probably gonna wanna stay away from my blog tomorrow. 



I'm washing my jeans.


Yes... my one pair... that gets washed sometimes only once every 6 months.


Disgusting, I know. But I can't help the amount of distress it puts me in. I just can't handle it.


My intake today was more than I wanted...
-120 calorie muffin and coffee

-150 calorie fiber one bar (FUCK)
-turkey chili (more than I wanted) and a small corn muffin (FUCK)
-140 calorie weight watchers ice cream cup


Only 2 fat burners... I should grab an ex-lax before bed though...


I won't see the boy for at least 2 weeks. I'm planning on losing more weight. I will try to do it in a healthy way... I promise, I will try.


But I can feel myself falling back into my anorexic patterns. And I could not be happier about that.
What the HELL is wrong with me?!?


I could get AT LEAST five pounds gone in the next two weeks?
FUCK FUCK FUCK!


It's not like I couldn't stand to lose some weight. It's totally okay for me... I just have to make sure I do it the right way.


I'm planning on continuing to lose until I am happy (I have some numbers in mind, healthy numbers that I'm aloud to be, but I won't mention them as this post is triggering enough). I'm sorry. Please don't read my shit if it triggers you.


If I lose a noticeable amount... he's probably going to say something...
I don't care.


My face is a mess... I'm breakin' out all over the damn place! I haven't been tanning in weeks (part of the problem perhaps?)... and everything about me is just disgusting. 


No... but I had a really good day overall. 
It's the nighttime that brings these thoughts to the surface.


I'm going to bed now.
Goodnight <3

Uhhh...

Wow... so um... a lot happened today. Kind of. I dunno.

Okay... so I saw the boy. I was super nervous but he came by around 2 and we went for a walk to the park and sat on the bench talking. We can talk about a lot... it's pretty intense. As I'm sure you know... he  knows of both my cutting and my eating disorder. He saw my scars the very first time I really met him because he did my wrist tattoo (which is lined up with a scar). 



This is the first time I've seen him in the daytime... and also the first time I've been in short sleeves. Sometimes I think that I'm crazy and only I can see the scars because I know that they're there... but today I was proved wrong. He saw the ones further up my arm. He kissed them and told me I shouldn't do that... that I need to stop. He said that whenever I feel sad to call him and he will come over and sing and dance and do whatever it takes to make me feel better. After that I covered them with my other hand as much and as often as I could without looking too obvious...


He also told me that I need to eat... and that I've lost weight since the last time he's seen me. Part of me hates hearing that because if I think I look disgusting now I don't wanna know what I used to look like... but the other part of me is just ecstatic that I'm losing and that it's noticeable... but then again, I did have my period the last time I saw him sooo...? Yeah and he tried talking me into going to the beach with him... I keep tellin' him it ain't gonna happen. And I know it won't. I won't go. I told him I hate beaches and bathing suits. He knows I hate everything about my body. He knows I would change absolutely everything about myself. He knows I try to hide the scars on my arms and on my legs. But I think he wants me to work on that... which I am! He also knows about the whole residential incident my mom brought up a few weeks ago.

Damn. He knows too much.



Oh... and he knows I get social anxiety... he said that we're going to see each other a lot more and that he wants me to meet all his friends and hang out and get over my social anxiety.


We kind of hooked up a little bit in the park =/ And then I told him that he seriously needed his own place. I asked him if he had his own room and he said his parents were home... to which I responded, "do they ever leave, don't they have places to go, things to do, errands to run?" Apparently not... it was 5pm by then... so I asked if he had a friend who had an apartment and he said he had one... but he was like, "what am I supposed to do go over and say 'leave, we need to have sex right now'" to which I responded "yes, is that really so hard to do"


Anyway, we tried and failed to find a place to go so he left by 6pm. I went  home, had some dinner, talked to S a little on skype chat, had a very minor freak out in the AB chat room, and then went out with J. My freakout? Oh yeah... so I was over-thinking things, as per usual... and I was saying how a huge part of me just feels like he wants to "save" me or "help" me. And that's the only reason he's being so nice to me and acting like he likes me. I wants to save everyone, that's just who he is... nothing wrong with that... but I almost feel like... a project... or an assignment... It's hard to explain.


At 9pm, he called. His parents had run out... but I was with J. I think she caught on and we left... he was at my house at 11pm to pick me up. It's now 2am, I just got home.


We couldn't go to his house because by then his parents were home. Boo. He needs his own friggin' place!!


I wouldn't have sex, let alone take my pants off because I knew we would get caught again but we did hook up some after going for a nice walk and talking. I was in a bit of an off mood. Something was buggin' me, I just don't know what. And not even anything about him I don't think... unless I was still thinking about the stuff I was thinking about earlier. I dunno.


And of course... a cop pulled down the block! Go fuckin' figure. He drove past us, the boy told me to button my pants (luckily he was already off of me at this point) and we just sat there as the cop pulled a U-ey and went back to the corner he came from. Here I am holding my damn breath and the cop isn't moving. Obviously, neither were we. Finally, he makes a slow right and we new he was going to be sitting right there so we take off in the other direction, loop around the block, and come up behind him... he now has his lights on... but we were able to sneak out behind him and he had no idea. By the time we reach the next corner, a second cop is rounding the corner and heading in that direction. Oh my fucking god. 


What did I tell ya kids?? IF YOU HAVE SEX IN A CAR THE POPO WILL FIND YOU!!!


Rude.


So he dropped me off at home after that. He's leaving for vacation with the family tomorrow. He'll be gone for 2 weeks.


So... we'll see what happens.

As far as food goes... I think I was a bit under today =/
-little bit of coffee and a special k protein snack bar

-turkey burger (no bun) a few sweet potato fries (FUCK)


That's it... 2 or 3 glasses of diet snapple lemon iced tea and also water...


Only 2 fat burners...


Whoops...

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Bloated

First off... thank you Nikki, Amber, and Maggie for the comments on my last post (not the video one). They really meant a lot to me. Love you guys, you're all amazing <3 <3 Thank you!

I haven't really been feeling too much better all day. I did nothing... I'm getting ready for bed right now.

I feel so damn bloated, like... always. It sucks! I dunno why I always feel this way. And like, I always feel like I have to pee because of it! I dunno if it's from my eating disorder or what.

As far as the "normal" person is... my food intake was good today. But I am not at all happy with it. I feel it was way way too much. I had no diet pills. Got no exercise. Eww, fat fuck.


Ughh... I resisted a REALLY REALLY strong urge to cut today. But I did go open the pack of razors I just bought and will be sleeping with one under my pillow. The others are in my purse so they're with me.


Crap, this is not good. Whatever... it'll make me feel better just knowing I have the razor there. I just... I dunno.


This is so damn hard. Why does this have to be so hard? 


Okay... feelings are coming again. Fuck.


Goodnight.

This is so me.

Feelings...

Bored. Lonely. Procrastinating.


Makes me wanna eat. Gahh!!! Not gonna happen! I will wait until lunch and then allow myself a sandwich.


So... for those of you who don't know... I have an overwhelming fear that everyone in my life is going to leave me. It's ridiculous how much this affects me and how much it hurts. I was literally almost to the point of tears this morning because I just wanted someone to be here with me, to give me a hug, to hold on to me and  keep me from hurting myself...


I just... I can't think about this anymore right now.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Anxiety!!!

So it turns out I am much more anxious than I ever realized... and my anxiety is holding me back more than I thought.

Yesterday we were talking about how a person can mentally keep up, but anxiety holds them back socially... they don't act on what they're telling themselves because they are too anxious... or by the time they are going to act... it is too late and therefore they don't. 



Finally it makes sense!! This is totally what happens to me. I don't understand why because I really don't care what people think of me... but subconsciously I guess I don't want to embarrass myself because I tend to be a bit of a moron. I know when I was thinner, social situations did not make me so anxious... because I didn't look as stupid if I looked good... but now I'm just dumb and look like shit. Is this making any sense? I dunno, I've kind of always known this. But now I have the new information that I do have much more anxiety than I realized... and that anxiety is holding me back.


Ughh!!

I guess this explains the chest pain I've had my whole life too. Makes sense... I always understand things on a body level first... my body has always known I was anxious, but my brain didn't. 



Funny thing is... when it was just my body, it didn't stop me. Not that I can remember at least. Huhh... oh well... learn somethin' new everyday. 

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Please read...

******I AM NOT PRO-ANA******
*THIS IS NOT A PRO-ANA BLOG*

I am trying to recover from a serious eating disorder and even though it may seem like something else, I do not encourage unhealthy behaviors. Eating disorders are mental illnesses that I would not wish upon my worst enemy. I am extremely aware of both the healthy and unhealthy behaviors that I take part in and am at the point in my recovery where I can admit to them, but still engage in them.

I know on occasion I may talk about how little I have eaten and how happy it makes me.
THIS IS BECAUSE I HAVE A PROBLEM.
I do go through and read every comment on my blog, I also take them all very seriously. If there were any
"pro-ana comments", I am sorry but for myself and for my followers who are also in recovery or who have an ED and are struggling, I have to delete those.

If you want to follow my blog, that is great, I love every single one of my followers, honestly... and even more so the ones who take the time out to comment and let me know they are following along and who offer support. But I do not need any support to continue in my eating disordered behaviors. 

Yes... I may follow some pro-ana blogs. But that does not mean I agree with them. At this point in my recovery... I'm actually not sure why I still follow them. I know at first it was to hang on to that last little piece of my problem... but I think I'm ready to let go of that piece. 

I have been working my ASS off to recover and to learn to fall in love with life. I have been fighting myself every damn day. Telling myself I ate too much, knowing I really didn't eat enough, binging because I'm lonely, hating myself for binging, tearing the house apart looking for razors, knowing that cutting doesn't solve anything... I have  been fighting against suicidal thoughts for almost a decade now... all the while slowly killing myself.

I have physical scars that I see every single day of my life to remind me of the pain I've put myself through. I am at the point in my life, where things are... okay... but I know that if I ever, EVER, let myself get to the point I was at last year (and many times before) that I will not be able to get myself out of it. I have been way past rock bottom... and I know that I do not have the strength or energy to pull myself out of that again. I just can't do it.

I'm sorry if this seems a little angry... I'm really not. Not at any of you... at myself and everything I'm fighting against... but I would appreciate it if there were no pro-ana comments left on my blog from now on.

Feel free to follow. Feel free to comment.
But please, keep in mind that I (as well as many of my followers) are in recovery and such comments can be triggering.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Quick Update

I need to be getting to bed so I'll try to keep this short.

Haha... short? Yeah right...

Okay so first off, I'm super sore and my hips are VERY bruised because I spent from 730-9 and then 12-1230 working on and rehearsing my solo (which I now have about 1:15 of). I sucked ass today. I was really shaky today... which happens. Hopefully it was just today though. I know I've been getting super light headed like, a lot, recently so... yeah.



Umm... my calorie intake has been pretty low. Every other day I have a little more... but it's still low. Which makes me happy. It's unhealthy, I know... ughhh!


Examples:
One day I had a special K protein snack bar and a bit of coffee... then about half a drink (cranberry and vodka... light cranberry).
Another day I had a bowl of cereal some coffee and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich (I use light whole wheat).
Another day I had a special K protein snack bar and a bit of coffee... then that night I had to force myself to get a vanilla light n fit yogurt with some light granola in it.



So... yeah. The off days were a little more. I would have an actual dinner or I dunno... just SOMETHING else...


And I've been light on the fat burners. Only 2-4 a day and ex-lax max strength (just one) only on the off days where I ate a little more. I should be taking one now but it's late-ish and I have to be on my way to work early so I can't risk having to take my time in the morning.

I attempted some clothes shopping yesterday. Got one tank top and one dress. I can not wear either yet. I need heels and a short sleeve something to go over top. Even short sleeves are new to me and I'm still not very comfortable in them so tank top?? HELL NO!

I need to get to a gym or some shit. The downside of being home I guess...



And, I think that's it for now.


Haven't heard from the boy since the second time he called. I successfully avoided calling him twice while my parents were on vacation and I had the house to myself. I really do kinda wanna see him... but I'm super nervous about it. I dunno why. All we do is have sex... and that's all I really want right now. 


Or is it? I dunno. I think the reason... I just... I guess I feel like... no one else is ever gonna wanna sleep with me. And he does and has... so at least I can temporarily feel like... I dunno. I'm gonna stop now. Don't wanna think about it.


Anyway, goodnight <3


My new life motto. Totally putting this everywhere :)

Saturday, July 9, 2011

He called me again....

I was already asleep (he called at like 10pm and I'd been in bed almost 2 hours). I think I answered the phone in my sleep. I don't even remember it ringing. I looked down and was already on the line with him.

Fuck. I wouldn't have answered if I was awake.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Sorry about that....

So... I'm okay. Good news is... when I feel that way... it doesn't last nearly as long as it used to. I can get through it much faster than in the past. And I don't act on things as much. I always want to... but I have been stopping myself. I have been thinking of the consequences both directly related to myself, and also to others. I'm not only hurting myself here. I want to BE the role model so many girls see in me... I want them to have a real role model... not a phony. They are my #1 reason for recovery... 



Anyway, other than that... I have begun choreographing my solo. I have about 30ish seconds done and a few idea in my head. I am using Feather in the Wind (AKA the song that currently plays on my page). 


OH... and... the boy called me last night. Really? Like, what the fuck? I thought this shit was over... 
Oh well... I'm sure I'll be seeing him at some point. No more talking though... ever. Just sex. That's all I need.


Love you all <3 <3

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Super Triggering**

NO MORE FOOD! EVER EVER EVER! I FUCKING HATE MYSELF I HATE EVERY OUNCE OF MY BEING (AND BELIEVE ME, THERE ARE A LOT OF OUNCES). NEED A RAZOR. NEED A KNIFE. NEED SOMETHING SHARP. EX LAX. TAKE EX LAX NOW. FUCK FUCK FUCK. TOMORROW IS DIET PILLS AND COFFEE! FUCK FUCK FUCK! I SHOULD HAVE HAD MORE DIET PILLS TODAY WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T I TAKE MORE?!? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?!? I'M SUCH A FUCKING FAILURE AT LIFE! I HATE THIS SHIT I HATE MY LIFE! I'M FAT! WHAT THE FUCK? I FUCKING HATE THIS I HATE BEING SO FUCKING FAT I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT ME!! IT'S SO FUCKING EASY TO JUST NOT EAT AND BE SKINNY SO WHY THE FUCK CAN'T I DO IT?!? WHY DOES BEING ALONE TRIGGER ME SO FUCKING MUCH?!? UGH!!! OMG!! I KNOW THAT I WILL NEVER EVER EVER BE HAPPY UNLESS I LOOSE WEIGHT AND AM HAPPY WITH MY BODY!! WHAT THE FUCK IT WAS SUCH A GOOD DAY UNTIL NOW I HATE NIGHT-TIME I HATE IT ALL. FUCK FUCK FUCK. AND I CAN'T EVEN FUCKING DRINK TONIGHT CAUSE I ALREADY HAD A SHITTON TOO MANY CALORIES AND I DON'T HAVE ANY FUCKING POT! OH MY GOD I NEED POT. THAT WILL CALM ME DOWN. THAT MIGHT HELP ME GET OVER THE URGE TO CUT! FUCK FUCK FUCK! OH MY GOD I EFFIN' HATE THISS!!! FUCK!!! I WISH I COULD JUST FUCKING THROW UP. I WISH IT WAS EASIER FOR MY BODY TO DO! UGHH!! I JUST DON'T GET IT WHY CAN'T I BE FUCKING NORMAL?!? WHY DOES THIS SHIT HAVE TO GET TO ME?!? WHY CAN'T I JUST BE FUCKING HAPPY FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE?!?


NO MORE FOOD EVER... I'VE HAD ENOUGH FOR MY WHOLE FUCKING LIFETIME!!!!

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Well Hello There!

Just giving a bit of an update. I may stop by and see the therapist at school in a week or two when I'm in the area. There was a whole pinching situation that I should probably talk to someone about =(


But other than that, I'm doing well. I was off my fat burners for about a week but I went and bought another pack. I figure I might as well since I'll be home and I do have a safe hidden in my closet that I got years ago for diet pills. I carry the keys in my wallet. The safe is hidden.


I ate too much tonight. I feel icky and gross. My tummy is full and big. Wehh =( 

But tomorrow I have a three hour dance camp with 3-5 year olds (fairy themed), then I will spend some time in the studio myself working on my solo (aka officially starting it), then I will hit up the tanning salon, and I have a 4:14 massage... ahhhhh.... relaxation.



So I get a little play, and I get a little me-time :)


I feel like there were other things... 


My recovery playlist is growing, growing, growing.

Be sure to check it out and find some new songs!! Remember, most of them are linked directly to the youtube lyric videos!


Love you all,
Stay safe <3

Monday, July 4, 2011

Happy Independence Day... yeah... right...

I hate that no one takes me seriously when I say I have no friends. Here I am... spending YET ANOTHER holiday alone. I haven't left the house all day. I'm home... but my parents are on vacation. They had a friend call me and invite me over but I'm not about to spend a holiday with my parents friends out of pity! I almost wanted to just go see some fireworks by myself but I know that will only upset me more. I really haven't even talked to anyone much today. 


I know it's better to have a few really close friends than a lot of not-so-close friends... but when my few close friends have a zillion other really close friends... it still leaves me left out... like... a lot.