Sunday, July 31, 2011

My life is a joke....

Amber- Thank you for your last few comments and being so honest. It's just so confusing. I don't know how I went from denial, to knowing there was a problem, to acknowledging the problem, to trying to "recover", back to denial. 

In general, I don't know what is going on right now. I don't know what's wrong with me... if something's wrong with me. I am currently putting off homework and have been in bed all day with the worst of migraines. I feel fat. I feel gross. I feel... sad? I'm not sure what sad feels like... maybe this is it? I just don't know right now. 

I contacted the woman about the free support group to find out exactly where it is and there is a meeting one week from today. I just feel sort of like an impostor... I don't really have an eating disorder. Maybe some disordered eating, yes. But an eating disorder? 

I haven't cut in a very long time (minus one little scratch the other night, but that really doesn't even count). 

I know I have severe body image problems. Maybe I just have BDD? 

Maybe there's nothing wrong with me. Maybe I'm just being crazy. Maybe I'm just looking for some way to figure out why I'm so fucked up that I'm feeling the need to label myself with something. I hate this. I hate it all. 

I just...
...and I think I made a post about this a few days ago...but....

I don't know what to believe. It's bad enough that I feel like the whole world is lying to me but my own eyes? How can I not see what they see? They must be lying. They have to be. I'm a fat blob. I hate myself for turning into this. I hate myself for everything. I've scarred my own body. I'm damaged. 

Of course no one wants me. And no one ever will. Who wants damaged goods? Who wants a girl who can't see? Who wants a girl that is in constant battle with herself? Literally, arguing back and forth in her own head? Who wants someone who can't distinguish her own emotions? Who wants the crazy bitch who is too numb to feel? Who cuts herself to ease the pain, to feel something, to know that it's not a dream? Who wants the girl who would rather not eat? But then binges late at night if something sets her off? The girl who's too afraid to shower because it means seeing her own body and being with herself in such a vulnerable state? The girl who has to close her eyes just to change a fuckin' tee shirt? The girl who paints on a smile while in her head the only things she can think of are different ways to kill herself? The girl who's a pain in the ass and difficult to deal with but it too fuckin' chicken to end her own life?

It's thoughts. They're all just thoughts. Nothing will ever come of them. Nothing will ever change. 

I am too weak, too frightened, to pathetic... but I will never admit to those things. Nowhere but here.

Maybe I do need help. Maybe I just need to be put in a fuckin' straight jacket... 

But do I need help from an eating disorder? 
I'm not so sure that's what the problem is.

My eating has been more of less normal recently... the thoughts surrounding the eating... maybe not so much.
But I don't have good thoughts around anything.

My head it pounding.
I spent longer than I should have in the sun yesterday.
I get dizzy so easily. Every time I stand up... from laying, or sitting. I often feel like I am going to pass out... but not once in my life has it happened.
Sometimes I wish I would... maybe then I would see I'm doing something wrong.
But am I?
I'm not so sure. 

I shake a lot to... my hands... everything... I'm always shaky... it's so frustrating... but I've always been this way... for as long as I can remember.

I hate this. I hate my life. I hate myself. I want to end my life. I'm far too chicken to ever do that. I'm fat. I can't be found dead with all this fat. I want to love my life. I want to love all life. I want to enjoy this world... to go out, have fun, get dressed up, go to parties, go swimming, lay on the beach, shop at the mall, wear clothes I like, feel comfortable... but none of that is ever going to happen again. So  many of the things I love are gone due to the fact that I hate my body. I want a new one. I want to trade this one in for a new one. I want liposuction... I've wanted it since before I think I even knew what it was...

I'm sorry, this is such a long pointless post... There's no need to read it... I don't want my crazy rubbing off on anyone... I have to go.


  1. Nikki, I wish I knew what to say to help you. You are so amazing and wonderful, and I hate to see you hurting. I'm here for you. I love you.

  2. you aren't weak you're strong! i believe in you.

    By the way, I really like your style, it's unique and I read your blog so often and I just wonder..if we could follow each other.. But even if your answer is “no” I’ll be still your reader ♥ I know what is ED because I had it some time ago. Now I'm fat. So please, follow me because I need some motivation to loose weight!

    with love,