Thursday, July 21, 2011

Let me explain...

Sorry... I'm a bit calmer now. Thank god for my cousin, I swear.

So... my intake was low today, way low...

I had some coffee and a 120cal. muffin for breakfast...
Dunkin Iced coffee in the afternoon...

I had a really pretty amazing day...

I found this in the kitchen at work (I love my supervisor) -->

I decided early on that I would be getting my usual salad from Subway on the way home. Normally, I don't have any dinner on Thursday nights... so this was kind of a big deal for me. I was excited, I guess... and feeling really awesome about myself.

I was listening to "I Am" - Hilary Duff and thinking, "wow... I'm almost at this point where I can say all of this about myself..." The song really resonates with me. Anyway...

I was hoping to get my by 7 but when that didn't happen I decided 7:30... I knew I would be up late enough to handle that... but stupid morons on the road... I could've pulled into a Subway a few minutes before 7:30 but missed the entrance due to asshole drivers and after that was SO pissed. 

Now I pass 6 other Subways on the way home and still could've gotten into at least one before 7:30... but now I was frustrated, digging my nails into my hands (for the second time today), couldn't sit still, anxious as all hell, pissed off beyond belief, shaking... all over Subway...

So because things didn't go the way I expected... I almost drive my car through the one in front of me (he did cut me off). I'm surprised I didn't get in an accident cause I really floor it when I'm angry then put having to close my eyes every time I passed a Subway on top of it. 

I decided I wouldn't eat dinner, or anything for that matter. I was having the strongest urges to cut and was planning on it as soon as I got home and to my room.

Silly me forgot my 3 year old cousin (her birthday's actually today) was staying here for two days. I walk in the door and she smiles, attempts to say my name, waves, runs over to give me a hug, and then gives me the Panda bear (my favorite of the toys we keep for the little ones).

She is one of my reasons for recovery... so I forced myself to eat a yogurt with some granola. Now... I wasn't too happy about this... but I did it.

It's amazing how I go from feeling so strong, and so amazing... to almost driving through another vehicle...

I wanted to cry so bad... but of course, that rarely happens. I'm a little calmer now... but I need to make sure I do extra sit-ups tonight. Did I mention I had a total of 4 fat burners today? Less than yesterday... but I shouldn't have had so many...

I didn't cut... not with my cousin just across the hall. She looks up to me... she can't look up to me when I'm like this... it's not fair to her.

I also wrote this this afternoon:

I'm done being that girl. I don't wanna be the girl that starves herself anymore. I don't wanna be the one who hates every fiber of her being... I can not live like that anymore. I can't keep doing these things to myself. 
I have enough scars on my body that I know I will never forget my past... but it needs to be just that: my past. It needs to be over. I need to move on. This part of my life has to come to an end. I can't continue being the crazy psycho girl that people feel like they have to babysit all the time.
I need to move on. I've learned some important lessons from this... but it's time to leave that girl behind.

I need to fight this. I need to be stronger. 
I didn't realize just how much I was struggling until today, right now, this moment.
I just want to be okay.


  1. Niki please be careful, U gotta try and come off them :( please,
    Well done with the granola and yogurt,
    Love u,