Wednesday, July 20, 2011

I thought I was doing so well...

Hi everyone,

Well... I've eaten more... I'm supposed to be happy about that I suppose. 

So my totals for the day:
-breakfast was the 120cal. muffin and some coffee
-lunch was 2 slices of turkey on a whole wheat arnolds (which I pulled about an 1/8 off and thew away) with pineapple habenero
-i also had a special k protein snack bar (110cal.) as the second part of my lunch. and like... 2 watermelon squares from a fruit bowl
-i had an afternoon snack of yogurt with a low fat granola
-for dinner I had a small piece of grilled chicken (which I ate most of) with salsa and a few broccoli florets

It seems like so much to me...

Oh... and I've now had a total of 7 fat burners for the day. And I've gotten back into the 1 ex-lax a night routine... which might be 2 tonight... I'll try not to. I know it's bad. 

I saw myself today... I saw what I'm doing to myself. I went to leave a video on my friends facebook wall and I just froze looking at myself. Maybe I have lost some weight.That's not a bad thing... but I know it's been done the wrong way. I want to beat this eating disorder... not fall back into it.

But it's just so much easier. 

I don't mind being the only one who's not eating, I will still go out to socialize and I just won't order anything... it doesn't bother me too much... okay... so it can be awkward I guess... but... oh fuck, I have no idea where I'm going with this. 

Maybe I'm not ready for recovery... maybe I can just hold on to this for a little longer...

I wrote a poem today... it's nothing special. Maybe not even a poem... just some random thoughts formatted to look like a poem. I just blurted it out right after I saw myself. It probably doesn't even make any sense.

It's a funny thing really,
how I couldn't be happier to see the pounds drop.
Yet there's something inside me,
something way, far, deep down.
And I can feel it breaking,
slowly dying away.

One by one,
the pounds are dropping.
Taking with them,
the better part of me.

I feel so alive,
yet I feel so very empty.
My every thought,
my every sensation,
contradicting the last.

Wanting to get better,
yet letting myself slip.

Knowing I should eat,
but my body doesn't move.

Taking more pills,
with each passing day.
Trying to fill the hole that's within.
A hunger that can't be fed,
as I watch myself wasting away.

I'm never enough.
I'll never be enough.
I never was enough.


  1. Nikki, this saddens me to hear this. I want you to do well in recovery and I know you do too. You have to fight even harder. Don't let this monster beat you! Fight back. You deserve so much more. I love you!

  2. Please fight Nikki, Please, :( Im really sa now,
    Please lovely,