Tuesday, July 19, 2011


Wow... so um... a lot happened today. Kind of. I dunno.

Okay... so I saw the boy. I was super nervous but he came by around 2 and we went for a walk to the park and sat on the bench talking. We can talk about a lot... it's pretty intense. As I'm sure you know... he  knows of both my cutting and my eating disorder. He saw my scars the very first time I really met him because he did my wrist tattoo (which is lined up with a scar). 

This is the first time I've seen him in the daytime... and also the first time I've been in short sleeves. Sometimes I think that I'm crazy and only I can see the scars because I know that they're there... but today I was proved wrong. He saw the ones further up my arm. He kissed them and told me I shouldn't do that... that I need to stop. He said that whenever I feel sad to call him and he will come over and sing and dance and do whatever it takes to make me feel better. After that I covered them with my other hand as much and as often as I could without looking too obvious...

He also told me that I need to eat... and that I've lost weight since the last time he's seen me. Part of me hates hearing that because if I think I look disgusting now I don't wanna know what I used to look like... but the other part of me is just ecstatic that I'm losing and that it's noticeable... but then again, I did have my period the last time I saw him sooo...? Yeah and he tried talking me into going to the beach with him... I keep tellin' him it ain't gonna happen. And I know it won't. I won't go. I told him I hate beaches and bathing suits. He knows I hate everything about my body. He knows I would change absolutely everything about myself. He knows I try to hide the scars on my arms and on my legs. But I think he wants me to work on that... which I am! He also knows about the whole residential incident my mom brought up a few weeks ago.

Damn. He knows too much.

Oh... and he knows I get social anxiety... he said that we're going to see each other a lot more and that he wants me to meet all his friends and hang out and get over my social anxiety.

We kind of hooked up a little bit in the park =/ And then I told him that he seriously needed his own place. I asked him if he had his own room and he said his parents were home... to which I responded, "do they ever leave, don't they have places to go, things to do, errands to run?" Apparently not... it was 5pm by then... so I asked if he had a friend who had an apartment and he said he had one... but he was like, "what am I supposed to do go over and say 'leave, we need to have sex right now'" to which I responded "yes, is that really so hard to do"

Anyway, we tried and failed to find a place to go so he left by 6pm. I went  home, had some dinner, talked to S a little on skype chat, had a very minor freak out in the AB chat room, and then went out with J. My freakout? Oh yeah... so I was over-thinking things, as per usual... and I was saying how a huge part of me just feels like he wants to "save" me or "help" me. And that's the only reason he's being so nice to me and acting like he likes me. I wants to save everyone, that's just who he is... nothing wrong with that... but I almost feel like... a project... or an assignment... It's hard to explain.

At 9pm, he called. His parents had run out... but I was with J. I think she caught on and we left... he was at my house at 11pm to pick me up. It's now 2am, I just got home.

We couldn't go to his house because by then his parents were home. Boo. He needs his own friggin' place!!

I wouldn't have sex, let alone take my pants off because I knew we would get caught again but we did hook up some after going for a nice walk and talking. I was in a bit of an off mood. Something was buggin' me, I just don't know what. And not even anything about him I don't think... unless I was still thinking about the stuff I was thinking about earlier. I dunno.

And of course... a cop pulled down the block! Go fuckin' figure. He drove past us, the boy told me to button my pants (luckily he was already off of me at this point) and we just sat there as the cop pulled a U-ey and went back to the corner he came from. Here I am holding my damn breath and the cop isn't moving. Obviously, neither were we. Finally, he makes a slow right and we new he was going to be sitting right there so we take off in the other direction, loop around the block, and come up behind him... he now has his lights on... but we were able to sneak out behind him and he had no idea. By the time we reach the next corner, a second cop is rounding the corner and heading in that direction. Oh my fucking god. 

What did I tell ya kids?? IF YOU HAVE SEX IN A CAR THE POPO WILL FIND YOU!!!


So he dropped me off at home after that. He's leaving for vacation with the family tomorrow. He'll be gone for 2 weeks.

So... we'll see what happens.

As far as food goes... I think I was a bit under today =/
-little bit of coffee and a special k protein snack bar

-turkey burger (no bun) a few sweet potato fries (FUCK)

That's it... 2 or 3 glasses of diet snapple lemon iced tea and also water...

Only 2 fat burners...



  1. Hmm well I disapprove of the near sex. You would think you would have learned about not having sex in the car the first time. Silly girl.
    You ate too little. That's not enough and you know it. I know it's hard but you need to try to eat more.
    I love you!

  2. Hi,
    He knows you way too much!! But don't think as your self as some kind of project...he may actually like you!!!
    Be careful with sex in the car!! You know that!!
    I LOVE diet snapple!!!

    Stay strong,