Friday, July 29, 2011

Scary Dream...

So I had a dream... two nights ago, I think?

Yeah... that's about right... so in case you didn't know this, when I was 19 Renfrew wanted me in their IOP program... well I was thinking about it and I couldn't help but wonder if the Renfrew I was at was one of the residentials if they would've wanted me in IP?

Whatever, there's nothing wrong with me anyway.

So anyway, I had this dream...

I was in a residential ED program. I really didn't like it. No one knew I was there... but I was talking to a friend (K) and she knew I was upset and I asked her if she could come see me/she said she'd come see me (I dunno) and so I told her where I was and she came to visit. So we were sitting on the couch (I was wrapped in my super comfy polka dot blanket) and I was just resting my head on her shoulder. We weren't even talking... she just came to be with me. Anyway... one of the people who worked there came and took my blanket from me (I forget the reason but it was something like I was using it to hide something, I dunno) and I totally freaked out. I started screaming and crying and I didn't know what to do and I was trying to get it back from them and my friend tried explaining to them that the blanket was comforting to me and there was no reason I shouldn't be aloud to have it and they didn't care, they just took it anyway. So now I'm hysterical sobbing with my head in my friend's lap and she's just kind of playing with my hair (you know in that comforting kind of way). I don't remember many other details. I know dinner was hard simply because I don't eat red meat but once they found out I would eat turkey meatballs, they said they could make those for me instead or regular... but it was too late by then because I had been kicked out. (Actually I'm not even 100% sure that was part of the dream or if that was me thinking in the dream or if that was just me trying to justify something and make it not so bad of a dream). Anyway, why was I kicked out?? Well my roommate hated me for some reason and basically jumped on top of my and got red nail polish all over my hands and up her arm so it looked like I had tried to kill her by slitting her wrist. What the fuck, right? And apparently a medical doctor didn't know the difference between a wound and actual blood from some red nail polish... so I was kicked out of the program. 

WHAT THE FUCK DOES THIS MEAN?!? Does it mean I'm crazy? Does it mean I'm never going to be able to get help? Does it mean everyone's against me?

Like, seriously... I know dreams have meanings.... any dream interpreters out there? Ughh... what the fuck? And I like NEVER remember my dreams.

And then today at dance camp I kept having moments of getting super upset because that's where I was (working at a camp) when I got the phone call from Renfew telling me they wanted me in their IOP program. And I refused. Without a second thought.

Fuck my life..


  1. Nikki, you do need help. You are sick, very sick. It's even worse because you are in denial. I wish you would call them back and say you would like to do the IOP. It could help. You are sinking too far in. I want to reach out and stop you, but ultimately you are the only one who can stop you. Sometimes you see you have a problem. You need to focus on that. You have a problem. You are sick. You need to do something. I love you and just want you to get better. Please reconsider the IOP.

  2. hey hun, i am one of your followers so i only know u from your posts. i worry for u and ur health, safety and the fact u could lose ur dancing ability if u fall too far... this would be the worst thing life could throw at u i think right now and i pray it doesnt happen.. as for Renfrew - i hope that u have or will call them and talk about doing the IOP... i wish my ins would over IOP but we have military ins and they dont cover - in fact getting IP is even very hard... right now i am supposed to be IP in an ED program - but the ins wont cover a place i can get too, close enough to my family or even a place that will accept the ins... basically i am doing it on my own - w/o help or support and its really hard. i recently did get to start back to therapy and i am seeing an addictions therapist to help with understanding how cutting, and ED can be addictions. i also recently discovered an ANAD group that i have started going too. i can SO relate to your thinking u dont have a problem, the denial or the thinking "i am ok" as well as the knowing u have a problem... i think it is the ED trying to keep grips on the chains that bind us to it. fight those chains - u know there is a problem and like i have to do - fight! if u get knocked to ur ass - get up, dust off and get in that fighting position again - never never never give up - then no matter what - u will have won!