Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Want. Want. Want. Me. Me. Me.

I want to be able to go out to lunch with friends.

I want to go on a date and have a boy take me to a restaurant.

I want to go spend hours at the mall shopping and trying on clothes.

I want to lay on the beach and get a nice tan.

I want to dive in a pool and swim under water.

I want to order pizza and stay in watching a movie.

I want to have a girls night in that includes ice cream and snacks.

I want to be given chocolates on Valentine's Day and not freak out about it.

I want to have money for things other than diet pills, laxatives, razors, and mederma.

I want to put on an outfit and feel confident.

I want to believe people when they tell me I'm beautiful.

I want go get together with friends and order chinese food.

I want breakfast in bed.

I want to not be thinking about my body every time someone touches me or hugs me.

I want to sit on a guys lap and be okay.

I want to have a guy pick me up without freaking out.

I want to go out with no makeup on.

I want to know what I'm feeling.

I want to stay in bed all day because I want to be with the other person, not because I can't get myself out.

I want to share a milkshake.

I want to fucking live.

But none of that's gonna happen, is it?

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Some things I forgot to tell you...

Wow... so updates...

Okay... it's been one week (today) since I cut. It was the day after I got my hair cut. I think I forgot to mention that... wow... this has been a long week I feel like it's been 2.

Anyway, it's healing up pretty nicely except for the one kinda sorta deep cut... it'll be fine though. 

I feel like there's so much that I really don't even know...

Let's talk about J. I know I told you guys about the morning I went to group and that whole conversation, right? Well We haven't talked since that day. We haven't talked in like a month. So the other night I send her a text... I'll just recap the whole conversation for you guys.

Me: You know, if you have a problem with me for some reason... I'd really love to know.

J: No I don't have anything against you, last convo we had ended on good terms. I just have a lot of personal stuff going on and I know you do as well so I thought it would be best if we gave each other some space.
Me: Well I don't need space, I need friends.
J: It's good that you're reaching out but I do know you have other people to talk to and I think I may need some space. I don't think we would be getting along all that well right now with our own issues going on.
Me: It's not about having someone to talk to, I don't need someone to talk to. It's about having someone who's there. But if you can't do that then fine.
J: I'm sorry I don't think I can detach like that. I don't wanna bother you with my stuff and I always have all-or-nothing thinking. I feel guilty every time I reach out to someone, esp. you cause I know you have stuff going on. Hence the space.

1) Our last conversation did NOT end on good terms. She just stopped responding mid-conversation. Not okay.
2) My BIGGEST ISSUE is the overwhelming fear that everyone in the world is going to leave me. She's aware of this fear. Gee, thanks for proving me right!
3) I am NOT just going to be friends with someone only when it's convenient for them. That is not how shit works.
4) Don't talk to me like you're my fuckin' therapist. Hell- if a therapist ever talked to me like that, I wouldn't continue seeing them. I am a fucking human being. I'm not some project or experiment or something to be analyzed.

Okay, enough about J. Now I am going to tell you about my revelation that I forgot about until just now. So I have an eating disorder. I self harm. Dance is my life. Dance is why I'm hear. As a dancer- my body is my instrument. So obviously when I'm hating myself I take it out on my body. I hurt the one thing that gives me the most. The thing I should be loving the most. It seems to be a slow method of self destruction.

Now for the last thing- T. Yes, T as in my ex-boyfriend. I think I'm falling for him. Crap. FUCK MY LIFE. I was talking to him a few nights ago and I told him I missed him. And he didn't respond. And then later that night I get a phone call from him. That like... never happens. So I pick up and the first thing he says is "hey gorgeous". I didn't even get mad... because he knows me well enough now... and he knows I don't see it... but he really, really wants me to. Anyway, it was a short conversation. Small talk type stuff. When I'm coming back to school... I've been gone all summer... blah blah blah. It was great though... except the way it ended. There was some kind of noise in the background and was like "gotta go" real quick and hung up...

I dunno. I really, really do miss him though. Like more than just seeing him. I miss being with him.

Anyway... other than my flooded basement and all that crap I think I've got you updated on the events of my life in the last week or so.


Can everyone just please stop yelling at me?

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Just me and the hurricane....

I have some things to tell you guys that I left out from my most recent posts and an event from last night that I wanted to talk about... but for now I am alone... in my house... and apparently we're getting hit with a hurricane. Awesome.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011


You are all so wonderful. Thank you so much for all of the comments. So the biggest conclusion I've come to is that my hair = my self esteem. I've been working super hard on building my self esteem. But not that my hair is 2 inches shorter (and not really angeled cause it's too short which I hate) I have zero self esteem left. And how can you continue to build something when the foundation has crumbled?

Ugh... even when I was little I would smack anyone who tried to touch my hair. I can remember numerous times crying over my hair (other than haircuts)... my hair expresses who I am. I change the color all the time. I change the cut, the style, everything. I hide behind long hair when I'm upset. If I have a bad hair day. I have a bad day.

So anyway... I spent like over $200 today (of my mom's money) buying deep conditioners, heat protection, a new wide tooth comb, and a $50 clip in ponytail extension. Not great... but it's better. Ehh...

I will have to wear pony tails for the next 3-4 months and can't dance with the extension in...

I still need to find something that helps aid in hair growth without adding volume and I am going to look into prenatal vitamins... anyone have experience with these they could share? Or any suggestions for hair growth other than the obvious. Formulas that I could use perhaps? Pills? Scalp massager? Anything? 

Sorry it's a total boob picture but this is with the extension in.

Oh and also- I got into a pyschology class. It's gonna be a hard one but whatever. I don't know about working on Fridays, I don't think I'm teaching pilates (but I will offer to sub classes) so here is just my class schedule. 

Oh! And I am going to add in therapy on Wed. before Jazz from 3-4 and that way I can dance it all out in class and then feel good about myself in ballet (or at least that's the plan). 

Okay... goodnight lovelies... I have dance again all day tomorrow and I'm already hurting so I should really get some rest.

More than 12 hours later and I'm still shaking and crying and pulling my hair.

I can't fucking do this.

Monday, August 22, 2011

This can't be happening....

So I'm a freak... I'm pretty sure that's already been established.

I've been in tears for the past 2 hours. Why? Cause I got a fuckin hair cut. 

It was supposed to be just a trim but whatever I ended up loosing like 2 inches. And I know logically that hair grows back and this this is stupid but I just can't deal with this. My hair is gone. It was just starting to get long. And now it's like in the awkward middle length that everyone hates. It's boring. It's unflattering. I can't do anything with it. I just hate everything about it.

I'm currently looking up how much it costs for professional hair extensions, which I know will never happen they cost way too much. And even still, then it's not my hair. It's not the same. But at least it might help me not be so fucking depressed. Literally in the dark in my bed right now. Can't sleep cause it's too light out, I tried. 

It's so stupid- but any little itty bitty bit of self esteem I have... is because of my hair. And now that's gone. And I am left with zero self esteem. Maybe less if possible because I'm aware of how stupid I'm being. I pulled my hair so hard before it gave me a headache. I had a balloon animal unicorn that I popped- although it wasn't as satisfying as smashing something with a hammer which is what I really felt like doing. I'm a fucking wreak right now.

And I was doing so well. I can't possibly do well right now. Any time I need to look in the mirror- my hair was what kept me a little sane. And now it's gone. I didn't just loose my hair. I lost that little speck of self esteem I was trying to grow. How can you grow something without the seed? Without the beginning? You can't. You can't start from the middle. Life doesn't work that way. You have to be born before you can live. You have to live before you die. 

I know I'm crazy. But the amount of hair I lost will take 3 months minimum to grow back! And that's if I'm eating the proper amount, which I'm not. I know I've been loosing a bit of hair and it's been thinning out a bit... but now it's just fucking gone. 

Whatever. Fuck this.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Fuckin Nu Wave.

So dinner was rough tonight. I just finished. I had a turkey burger because my parents were having ribs. The smell of them was killing me all day. So anyway, my mom didn't even get home until 7 which is borderline too late for me to have a meal and by then it's raining. Now, sometimes my dad will stand outside and grill with an umbrella over his head or go out in the winter and fire up the grill. And he's very good at keeping my food away from anyone else's and making sure he scrapes any little crap pieces I may not want off. 

Well I walk into the kitchen and my mom had my turkey burger in some kind of contraption! When I asked her what it was she tells me it's a Nu Wave. What the fuck. And so I let her start cooking it and am slowly freaking out more and more. This thing has a top on it. I do not want all of those disgusting juices in my burger- they need to be squeezed out (I have a habit of smushing a lot of my food). Nothing can be scraped off either... and I'm watching... and this thing looks like it's just melting my turkey burger. Like, the sides where all fucked up and there was this horrible smell coming out of it. 

So naturally, I start bitching. Not really, but my mom of course flips out on me and is now pissed off. She gets out the grill that is for indoors (and while it's not the same as outside, it's better than a fuckin' Nu Wave). Her and my dad both tried to help me cook it and I wouldn't let anyone near. 

I ended up cutting of the edges all around the burger too. And then to make things even worse- it tasted funny. I dunno if it was from the Nu Wave or the smell of my parents ribs or both. Then I tried to have a little salad- but there where a few cut up tomatoes in it so of course there is tomato juice on everything. I picked out what I could which was like nothing and didn't even finish that.

Oh and I had some sweet potato fries (probably most of my dinner calories). I swear it's all my mom makes knowing that I will eat them. And she always puts them right fucking next to me. I hate that shit.

On a side note... Zette- I don't want to put the names of the pills on here because I am "in recovery" as well as most of my followers (although I may still have some "pro-ana" followers) and I don't want to encourage anyone to take them as well as I don't want to trigger anyone. I don't want to promote diet pills in any way. I have taken just about every diet pill out there- usually multiple kinds at a time in addition to the occasional diuretic and maximum strength laxatives. And let me just tell you, that not a single one of them does a thing. The only reason I take the pills is because I now have an addiction to them.

And to everyone else who has been commenting- thank you. I really appreciate your support and the fact many of you are still keeping up with my nonsense (especially when I have been failing to comment on many of your posts). 

Oh! And Krystal- the meeting I went to was also an ANAD meeting.


This video was made probably a few days ago by this guy and I think that everyone needs to see it.
I've been watching it daily- cause I need a lot of reminders like this. This video is perfect in every way. Someone took the time to put this on youtube- it is not his youtube channel. The video is originally from tumblr.

I'll update more later after I do my pysc. homework. Last minute- as usual.

I love you all though.


Saturday, August 20, 2011


Barely 11:30am and I already feel as though I've eaten too much... ugh.

So I did buy some pills- not the fat burners I usually get cause CVS is expensive... I got stronger ones that were on sale. I'll go pick up my regular ones this weekend. I've only been taking 2 a day for right now though. I might take 3 or 4 today... 

I know. I suck. I'm a failure.

Um... yeah, so... not really much else to say right now.

My schedule is a fucking mess for school. Some other stuff. Blah blah blah. It's nothing interesting.

Okay. Bye.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011


I feel fat. I am fat. I fucking hate this. I ate too much... partially because I was starving, partially because I was alone. I'm gonna fucking fall apart when I go back to school. What the fuck! 

And of course tomorrow is going to suck like no other. I am out of fat burners. Can you say migraine? Fuck my life. I'll have to leave extra early and try to stop and get some on the way. Fuck. CVS is expensive but I could just get one box. I'm not ready to not have them yet.

Screw the fact that I had chest pains tonight... and my stomach hurt. I just wanted to puke- but of course, I don't do that. Like, what the fuck? I seriously wish I could when I needed to.

I haven't been cutting. I've been fighting the urge to day after day... after day after day.

I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of all of this.

I hate being alone. I think part of this is because of the confusion about my ex (T) and knowing that no one is ever going to want me. I hate being crazy. I hate all of this. I was supposed to go to bed an hour ago- but have I? No. No I haven't. I'm not even ready for bed.

I'm so tired all day... everyday. And then at night I can't sleep. I can't take it anymore. I am so dizzy all the time. Every time I stand up I get really light headed, things get fuzzy. This isn't supposed to happen.
I'm not underweight. I'm NOWHERE near that. Like, seriously? What the fuck.

I hate my life.


Sunday, August 14, 2011

I just want to feel beautiful.

It makes me feel so bad though too, because apparently, I am. But I don't see it. I don't feel it.

I just want to know what everyone else sees. I want to see what everyone else sees. I want to feel how everyone else sees me.

I mean, I don't think I'm a dog or anything (well, when I have makeup on) but it's just not a good feeling. And there are times where I look at myself in the mirror and actually want to gag.

And the whole bones being comforting thing... they really are for me. I am constantly rubbing my collarbones. And now that I am starting to see them a little more- I am even starting to think that my actual bones are too big.

I think I just want to be so small I disappear. So small I can't hurt myself. So small I vanish into thin air and don't have to worry about anyone leaving me ever again.

I don't know what brought on this intense fear of everyone leaving me... but I think the eating disorder may have actually started before that. So I don't know why I have this fucking eating disorder. I just want to know why so I can work on getting it out of me!

I mean- I know that on occasion when people don't respond to a text/call me back, or when someone cancels plans or something... it's a trigger for me. The whole lonely factor is a trigger for me. Being alone is a trigger for me.

And then there are the emotions. The emotions that I just can't deal with. Why can't I handle emotions? I used to be able to... didn't I? What the fuck is wrong with me?

Oh... and have I mentioned I think that I'm kind of really interested in my ex? But he doesn't want me. Why would he?

Ugh, whatever. I'm going to bed now. Goodnight.

Grow up.

I can't believe how fucking scared I am to be going out to dinner. Like, totally freaking out about it right now.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

"You're looking thin."

No Mom. I'm not.

Day from hell. I'm sorry.

So I know that a few of you already know I had a pretty terrible day yesterday.


Literally. And I still have the friggin headache... and now my knee is killing me (not sure what I did to it).

So let's start from the beginning...

I woke up yesterday morning feeling terrible and like I was going to be sick. I made myself have some breakfast (coffee and a muffin) and still felt terribly sick. I was in a rush getting ready for work and when I finally ran out the door I remembered that I also needed to get gas.

So I'm on my way to work already in the most terrible of moods. Thinking about my life, wishing I could cry, blah blah blah. It was one of those days when you wake up and something as simple as dropping your pen makes you want to kill yourself. Well, of course me and my luck... a cop (from the other side of the highway) swings around and pulls me over. I started slowing down when I saw him cut across and was at the speed limit when he got to me but he had already clocked me doing 85 in a 55 (I swear I was a NASCAR driver in a previous life). 

I should be happy, he let me off really easy. I did get a ticket (I've had a few warnings in the past) but instead of it being for 30mph over, which is $400 and 6 points on your license, he only gave it to me for 14mph over which is just $95.

Part of me was glad I got the ticket. It reminded me that I'm not invincible... not just in driving and avoiding the cops... but in everything in life. Sometimes I like to pretend that I am (although not as much as I used to because I've simply gotten too tired to care about pretending to be okay). 

So as I'm driving I notice it's very uncomfortable sitting in my car. I feel like I'm sitting on two golfballs, literally. But no. I checked... it was just my ass. I mean I'm not skinny. Not at all. I'm still grotesque- I have an ass, believe me I do. But I could feel my butt bones underneath me and it was extremely uncomfortable.

Well anyway, this is when I updated my facebook status for those of you who saw that. The boy apparently saw it and texts me "Hey Nicole what's wrong?" and I responded with "my life". Then he responded back "Hope all is well". I literally laughed out loud. I felt like saying- No. All is not well. I literally just tried to pull my hair out. 


Of course, now I was about 10 minutes late to work (not that it bothers my supervisor, just me) and I still got the things done I needed to before class started.

I got a call while we were seeing an early intervention client from the gym. I had sent an e-mail saying I did not know my availability to teach pilates because I did not know my schedule yet as I am always the last to register and asked if I could e-mail it to them when I figured things out. No response. So the call- they said they hadn't heard from me via phone or e-mail and needed to know because the schedule was being finalized today. I didn't even have my schedule on me. Plus- I was at work. By the time I was done it was too late.
Oh... and then I get home and went to dance for a few hours. I pull up to the dance studio and check my e-mail on the way in. 

My psychology class for fall term has been cancelled. I had the perfect schedule. It was a 3 hour psyc. class on Monday's leaving me Wednesday's free for therapy and Friday's off so I could go home (and work teaching little one's dance with J). *Sidenote: haven't heard from her since the last I told you guys.* 

So now my schedule is all fucked up. And I was really excited to take this class too! There are no other Monday only classes, not to mention most of the classes are for psychology majors only (I'm just a minor) or already full. Go figure.

Ugh... so anyway, I get home and tell my parents all of this- leaving the ticket until last. I felt bad because I had to tell them, I don't have the money for it. I wish I did. They were pissed. Not because of the $95, but because it's my first/only ticket in three years and I'm under 25 so now my insurance is going to go through the roof. As if I didn't feel bad enough already. Day. From. Hell.

If ever there were a perfect time to kill myself... that was it.

I didn't have anything to eat when I got home from dance. The muffin was it all day. I only had 4 fat burners and when I wanted more I just remembered I have to save them because I don't have money for more. I've already gone through practically the whole first box I just bought.

I also found 
this article last night. I saw someone saw something about peeing all the time because her kidney's were failing her and decided to look up what kind of damage a diet pill can do to your kidneys. Crap. I think I may be doing even more damage to my body than I realize.

Have I mentioned I still haven't cried? Not a single god damn tear. 

I'm relapsing. And I feel it. I'm relapsing into anorexia. 

I'm sorry.

Monday, August 8, 2011



Yes, that's how many fat burners I've had today.

It's funny... I think I just want to be small enough to disappear... and if I'm not small enough to disappear... I was to at least be small enough to have someone hold me... protect me from myself... keep me safe.

I didn't have to be super small for C to make me feel that way...

Sunday, August 7, 2011

I don't need easy. I need possible.

I'm stronger than I give myself credit for. Really. I have been through HELL and back... and even though most of it is only in my head, it's still real. 

I may be currently restricting, taking diet pills, and occasionally cutting some... but nothing lasts forever. I can get through this. And I will get through this.

I can work through the work physical pain imaginable. I've had a migraine for the last 2+ weeks, to the point that some days I really find if tough to get out of bed. I've done front handsprings with a sinus infection (although I couldn't lift my head for the next few days). I have been in pain EVERY TIME I sit for the last 3 (going on 4) years due to an injury. I have a cyst in my left wrist and I dance on it even when it flairs up. I have a bad shoulder... but I've never let that stop me before. I did weight lifting 5 days a week for 2 years straight. I have back pain so bad that I physically can't breathe at times...

But I'm still here. I'm 21, and still here. Still fighting. Now more aware of my actions... working toward being aware of my emotions. If I can deal with all of that physical pain, why not emotional pain? I think I can handle it. I think I'll be okay. 

I think I need to start feeling my emotions before I am able to really work on changing my relationship with food. 

I think I can do this.

I went to group! By my fuckin' self! And it didn't kill me? I didn't have a negative experience.
I think I'll go again.

And Amber, you will probably like this part...
I had Skyscraper on loop last night... and ended up starting to choreograph to it.
As much as I love the other song and the lyrics, I was having a hard time moving to it... but movement was coming so easy last night to Skyscraper. I'm going to continue working on it and maybe that will be my solo.

Or I'll just end up with a handful of "mini solos".

I'm not giving up no matter how hard things get. I'm not giving up my chance to a beautiful life. 

I can do this.

And I know all of you out there fighting can to. You just need to believe in yourselves.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

My Day...

Oh God, where do I even fucking begin?

Let's start at this morning:
Teddy sat in my lap the whole way to group, was in my purse while I was there, and sat in my lap while I drove around aimlessly for the 2 hours after group.
Group was... I dunno. I didn't talk... I don't feel like writing much right now so I'll just copy my post on AB.

I went... I'm still sort of processing everything I guess.
I didn't talk. I was the only one that didn't talk.

I completely understood so much of what everyone was saying, and a lot of things resonated with me...

There was a lot of talk around feelings/emotions, loneliness, and vulnerability.

One thing I can't get out of my head is how many feelings everyone there had. Like, a lot of people cried (to be expected)... and while the things were also really true for me... I have no emotion. I'm completely numb to it all.

And 2 recoverees had said that once they changed their emotions, or how they view emotions, how the viewed food changed.

I don't know how to make myself feel things and it's just so frustrating. Like, I think I was a little upset when I left... but I didn't cry. I may have almost come close... ish... but then I numbed out.

Like, I wish I could cry. I really do but it just doesn't happen. It's not like I'm telling myself not to or anything... it's all subconscious. My body and my brain and everything just shuts down... I don't want it to do that but I don't have control over it.

And I know when I do feel things even a little bit I kind of freak out cause it's very overwhelming for me... but that's how people are supposed to deal with emotion.

I dunno...
It's monthly. I'll see where I am at the time of the next one and decide closer to the date if I should go or not. I mean... I think I will just because I don't think just going once is enough to be able to know if it will be helpful or not... but it is good to know that I'm not the only one. I felt a little less like an impostor while I was there. Even though a lot of things have gotten better for me (overall in the last few years) I still have a lot of the ED thoughts that surround everything. And I still have that fear of everyone leaving me and blah blah blah... I still use food as one of my coping mechanisms...

This group believes in full recovery. I know I'm no where near there yet.

Teddy sat in my lap the whole way there. I kept him in my purse close by (and so I could see a little of him out of the corner of my eye if I looked that way) during the group. And then back in my lap in the car for the next 2 hours as I drove around.

We just got home.

Overall... it wasn't a bad experience. It wasn't what I expected in some ways. Many of the professionals there had a past with an ED so it was very I guess helpful to see that that's possible because that is something I want to do.

So... yeah... I think that's about it.

I picked up 2 more boxes of fat burners. Had 6 so far today. Oh, and I had 2 relacore in the morning because I was out of fat burners...
I text the boy when I was leaving group because I think I may have been a little upset, but he said he wouldn't be around until 1. Then a bit before 2, he text me asking how I've been. I said "alright I guess". No response. It is now 6:30pm. I've been numbed out all day, as usual.

After my last post, I did make myself eat a fiber one bar. Wasn't happy about it.

I've just finished dinner. I was so hungry right before dinner I was actually in pain. But hey, I think I'm starting to feel "real" hunger more now. Anyway, I had turkey chili. Just a small serving. I couldn't even finish it though. Right now I feel so full and so huge and like I am going to explode. I really didn't have that much.

My total intake for the day:
Muffin and coffee
Fiber one bar
Turkey chili & small corn muffin (didn't finish anything)

Oh!! And this morning while I was getting ready for group I get a text from J (I didn't respond until in the car on my way there so this whole conversation was happening while I was on my way there and freaking out).Now let's also keep in mind I haven't heard from her really these past few weeks and when I text her I was getting mainly... well... ignored.

Is your phone properly receiving texts? Or are you mad at me for something? I don't get it.Me- You sent me one text last night that I haven't had a chance to respond to.J- These past few weeks you have barely been giving me the time of day.
Sorry.J- That didn't really answer my question. If you ever want to tell me what I did wrong this time you know how to reach me.Me- Did it ever occur to you that maybe these past few weeks have just been really hard for me?J- Okay well I'm sorry to hear that but they have also been extremely hard for me and the feeling of being abandoned doesn't help.Me- Well I'm sorry you feel that way and it wasn't intentional. But this is a really bad time to talk about it.

How do I always end up being the one to apologize? There was a little more later but that's the gist of it. That was the 'before group' part of the conversation. It's great to know that I have people who are there for me in my life.


I should eat...

but I can't.

Thursday, August 4, 2011


So... let's just say today wasn't the greatest.

I cut... WHILE driving to work. Not safe. Really... I dunno how I didn't get into an accident.
I only took 6 fat burners cause I don't wanna run out and haven't gotten to the store yet.
After work I did have some mini quaker rice cakes... not too happy about it... but all I had today was those and my peanut butter and yogurt in the morning.

I've been drinking orange-cranberry-tangerine skinny waters practically religiously.

My cyst flared up again the other day and the other reason I'm actually wrapping it is because I now have to hide my wrist. I wore my watch super tight today at work because I didn't want it moving or anything to show.

I want to cut more.

I did find this under the passenger seat of my car today:

I haven't cried. I still feel bloated. I've been totally numbed out ALL day. I feel nothing... emotion-wise... I am dead. I just... I don't know anymore... 

I'm scared. I'm slipping and I know it. I have NO desire to eat. I have to self harm. I know I can't let myself slip to far. I know I won't be able to pick the pieces back up.

I don't know what to do...

FUCK Bloat...

SO bloated.
SO gross.

All I want to do right now is puke.

Make it stop. Make it go away.

It's not even 8am and I've already had 4 fat burners. 
Need to buy more.
More ex-lax too... I'm almost out.

I need water pills. I need hydroxycut. I need hoodia.

I'll just buy it all. I need it all.

I can't eat anymore today.
FUCK why did I have that for breakfast?!? FUCK.

I hate myself.

It would be so easy to cut since my wrist is wrapped...

I'm going to be late for work.
I don't know what to wear.

SO bloated.
I'm fat... I'm so fat right now. I want it OFF. ALL OF IT. Just get it off me!! I want to disappear... vanish... be gone. I don't want to exist anymore. I don't want to be here right now. 

I want to die.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Woo Poems!

Okay... so my poetry page is FINALLY up and running!!

I have a handful of handwritten poems that of course are back at my apartment so those ones won't be up until mid-September.

**All poems are read at your own risk... I have divided them into categories for you (all but one of which has a trigger warning).

General (SH&ED)
Eating Disorders
Other (this mainly has just general thoughts/confusion)

The formatting is pissing me off a bit... but I'll get over it I guess.

It looks great... it's all good... and then I publish the page and it's all fucked up. And it somehow keeps getting worse...


Dinner has changed already 3 times tonight. I don't know what to do. I can't handle all of these options... it's just too much. I always make the wrong decision.

And I have eaten more that yesterday already today so that's only making it harder.

I don't know what to do.

Too many options. I'm so overwhelmed right now.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011


Guess who made a TUMBLR?!?

Yeah... it's totally recovery oriented :)

I'll still be using this (obviously) because I need to work on expressing myself through words and I need an outlet for the bad things as well as the good... but anyway, here's my tumblr:

OH! And also... just a quick update for the day...
And the guy like... barely put anything in it (all I get is lettuce, turkey, and the sweet onion dressing anyway) but that was kind of good because I spend a good two hours debating whether or not to even eat dinner.

My total intake today was:

-Coffee and muffin for breakfast
-Subway salad for dinner
-A handful of pita chips
-A fiber plus bar (which I was not happy about but I didn't have lunch so it's probably better that I had it)

I had six fat burners today =/

Group is on Saturday. I told T about it. She wants me to go. I think I have an excuse for leaving at 8:30am on a Saturday morning. I should go. August 6th. Don't forget. Ahh!! Scary!!

Monday, August 1, 2011

So Tired!!

I feel like I did a lot today...

I registered for classes, I am NOT killing myself and talking 24+ credits. I am only taking 15. This will be a good thing. I also have no classes on Friday's so I can come home. I'll try to get some therapy in on Wednesday afternoons at school also. I will. I need to keep telling myself that.

Then I had dance camp :) 
Always fun.

Then I went out... first, I attempted (and failed) to find where the place is for the support group on Saturday. I couldn't find it. I think I need to go the other way on one of the roads. I got up to the hospital... but not the Ambulatory Care Center, which is where the group is. It was pretty discouraging... I wanted to make sure I found it so that's one less excuse I can use to not go on Saturday morning.
I still don't know what I'm going to tell my parents. I wish I had a friends house that I could stay over Friday night cause then I wouldn't have to tell them anything, but that's not the case.

Then I had to run a few errands and I also spent close to 2 hours picking out things for my Recovery Scrapbook. I got some nice things. I'll get some pictures up here at some point.

So, I'm back home now. We're having dinner soon. I'm exhausted. My body is so tired. My back has been killing me lately but now my body is just... tired. I don't want to move. I want to go lay down and just.... lay there? Haha...

BUT... I guess the good news is that I'm feeling a little better mentally and emotionally. As long as I avoid mirrors or anything that would bring me to see my own body. I'm still a bit uncomfortable but at least I can avoid seeing myself and wondering if that's the truth or not.

I guess I'll head downstairs now... I told my mom I would empty the dishwasher for her before dinner. 

Ughh... so exhausted...