Sunday, August 7, 2011

I don't need easy. I need possible.

I'm stronger than I give myself credit for. Really. I have been through HELL and back... and even though most of it is only in my head, it's still real. 

I may be currently restricting, taking diet pills, and occasionally cutting some... but nothing lasts forever. I can get through this. And I will get through this.

I can work through the work physical pain imaginable. I've had a migraine for the last 2+ weeks, to the point that some days I really find if tough to get out of bed. I've done front handsprings with a sinus infection (although I couldn't lift my head for the next few days). I have been in pain EVERY TIME I sit for the last 3 (going on 4) years due to an injury. I have a cyst in my left wrist and I dance on it even when it flairs up. I have a bad shoulder... but I've never let that stop me before. I did weight lifting 5 days a week for 2 years straight. I have back pain so bad that I physically can't breathe at times...

But I'm still here. I'm 21, and still here. Still fighting. Now more aware of my actions... working toward being aware of my emotions. If I can deal with all of that physical pain, why not emotional pain? I think I can handle it. I think I'll be okay. 

I think I need to start feeling my emotions before I am able to really work on changing my relationship with food. 

I think I can do this.

I went to group! By my fuckin' self! And it didn't kill me? I didn't have a negative experience.
I think I'll go again.

And Amber, you will probably like this part...
I had Skyscraper on loop last night... and ended up starting to choreograph to it.
As much as I love the other song and the lyrics, I was having a hard time moving to it... but movement was coming so easy last night to Skyscraper. I'm going to continue working on it and maybe that will be my solo.

Or I'll just end up with a handful of "mini solos".

I'm not giving up no matter how hard things get. I'm not giving up my chance to a beautiful life. 

I can do this.

And I know all of you out there fighting can to. You just need to believe in yourselves.

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