Monday, August 22, 2011

This can't be happening....

So I'm a freak... I'm pretty sure that's already been established.

I've been in tears for the past 2 hours. Why? Cause I got a fuckin hair cut. 

It was supposed to be just a trim but whatever I ended up loosing like 2 inches. And I know logically that hair grows back and this this is stupid but I just can't deal with this. My hair is gone. It was just starting to get long. And now it's like in the awkward middle length that everyone hates. It's boring. It's unflattering. I can't do anything with it. I just hate everything about it.

I'm currently looking up how much it costs for professional hair extensions, which I know will never happen they cost way too much. And even still, then it's not my hair. It's not the same. But at least it might help me not be so fucking depressed. Literally in the dark in my bed right now. Can't sleep cause it's too light out, I tried. 

It's so stupid- but any little itty bitty bit of self esteem I have... is because of my hair. And now that's gone. And I am left with zero self esteem. Maybe less if possible because I'm aware of how stupid I'm being. I pulled my hair so hard before it gave me a headache. I had a balloon animal unicorn that I popped- although it wasn't as satisfying as smashing something with a hammer which is what I really felt like doing. I'm a fucking wreak right now.

And I was doing so well. I can't possibly do well right now. Any time I need to look in the mirror- my hair was what kept me a little sane. And now it's gone. I didn't just loose my hair. I lost that little speck of self esteem I was trying to grow. How can you grow something without the seed? Without the beginning? You can't. You can't start from the middle. Life doesn't work that way. You have to be born before you can live. You have to live before you die. 

I know I'm crazy. But the amount of hair I lost will take 3 months minimum to grow back! And that's if I'm eating the proper amount, which I'm not. I know I've been loosing a bit of hair and it's been thinning out a bit... but now it's just fucking gone. 

Whatever. Fuck this.


  1. Oh Nikki, :( Im so sorry :'(
    I understand, but I can tell you you are beautiful, you should have high self esteem as you are gorgeous, your face is so lovely,
    I am so sorry you don't like your cut, but it will grow, with time, and until then just try and distract from it,
    You can vitamins to help with hair and skin,
    I dont know if ye holland Barret in states but I am sure there are alternatives so you can guarantee ur doing the best for ur hair,

  2. It's not crazy. When your identity is in it and it goes wrong of course you're going to be upset. It's happened to me too. Maybe if you find ways to style it that make it look good - take the opportunity to try something new with it - that will make you feel better. Good luck. & you're not stupid for feeling this way.

  3. I know what u mean my hair was sooo long years ago i had it all chopped off into a bob and hated it coz of my ed my hair doesnt grow like it used to so im stuck with shitty mid length hair :(
    i agree with seeking something else try styling it different ways