Wednesday, August 17, 2011


I feel fat. I am fat. I fucking hate this. I ate too much... partially because I was starving, partially because I was alone. I'm gonna fucking fall apart when I go back to school. What the fuck! 

And of course tomorrow is going to suck like no other. I am out of fat burners. Can you say migraine? Fuck my life. I'll have to leave extra early and try to stop and get some on the way. Fuck. CVS is expensive but I could just get one box. I'm not ready to not have them yet.

Screw the fact that I had chest pains tonight... and my stomach hurt. I just wanted to puke- but of course, I don't do that. Like, what the fuck? I seriously wish I could when I needed to.

I haven't been cutting. I've been fighting the urge to day after day... after day after day.

I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of all of this.

I hate being alone. I think part of this is because of the confusion about my ex (T) and knowing that no one is ever going to want me. I hate being crazy. I hate all of this. I was supposed to go to bed an hour ago- but have I? No. No I haven't. I'm not even ready for bed.

I'm so tired all day... everyday. And then at night I can't sleep. I can't take it anymore. I am so dizzy all the time. Every time I stand up I get really light headed, things get fuzzy. This isn't supposed to happen.
I'm not underweight. I'm NOWHERE near that. Like, seriously? What the fuck.

I hate my life.



  1. Pick yourself up Nikki. Pick yourself up and carry on. No one can love you if you don't love yourself.

    I'm here for you.

  2. wow - this post is o related to my life! idk if u read my blog or not but im having the same issues with the dizziness and headaches...
    the fight - screw the fight tats what i say today! i am, like u just so sick of fighting, of aditting and accepting this disorder so the fight is on the backburner - just for tonight... i hope u get some rest and tomorrow have the strength and will to get bck to the fight... i know how hard it is - im totally there... i went to an ANAD meetign and the new lady there was a nurse and she asked y i wasnt in a treatment right now? then she said well when did u get out? hahaha! so funny! ive not been for a while, im fighting the dr's to send me now and im nowhere near needing to be (not in my opinion) so y all the questions!
    anyway - i am aso struggling big time right now with the need to cut - how i am longing for that instant grtifying relief - but im trying to fight... i will continue this fight and keep u in my thoughts and send u strength to also continue in yours!

  3. Please keep fighting Nikki. I love you. Take care of yourself. Eat. Eat what your body truly needs. Don't buy the pills. I love you.