Saturday, August 6, 2011

My Day...

Oh God, where do I even fucking begin?

Let's start at this morning:
Teddy sat in my lap the whole way to group, was in my purse while I was there, and sat in my lap while I drove around aimlessly for the 2 hours after group.
Group was... I dunno. I didn't talk... I don't feel like writing much right now so I'll just copy my post on AB.

I went... I'm still sort of processing everything I guess.
I didn't talk. I was the only one that didn't talk.

I completely understood so much of what everyone was saying, and a lot of things resonated with me...

There was a lot of talk around feelings/emotions, loneliness, and vulnerability.

One thing I can't get out of my head is how many feelings everyone there had. Like, a lot of people cried (to be expected)... and while the things were also really true for me... I have no emotion. I'm completely numb to it all.

And 2 recoverees had said that once they changed their emotions, or how they view emotions, how the viewed food changed.

I don't know how to make myself feel things and it's just so frustrating. Like, I think I was a little upset when I left... but I didn't cry. I may have almost come close... ish... but then I numbed out.

Like, I wish I could cry. I really do but it just doesn't happen. It's not like I'm telling myself not to or anything... it's all subconscious. My body and my brain and everything just shuts down... I don't want it to do that but I don't have control over it.

And I know when I do feel things even a little bit I kind of freak out cause it's very overwhelming for me... but that's how people are supposed to deal with emotion.

I dunno...
It's monthly. I'll see where I am at the time of the next one and decide closer to the date if I should go or not. I mean... I think I will just because I don't think just going once is enough to be able to know if it will be helpful or not... but it is good to know that I'm not the only one. I felt a little less like an impostor while I was there. Even though a lot of things have gotten better for me (overall in the last few years) I still have a lot of the ED thoughts that surround everything. And I still have that fear of everyone leaving me and blah blah blah... I still use food as one of my coping mechanisms...

This group believes in full recovery. I know I'm no where near there yet.

Teddy sat in my lap the whole way there. I kept him in my purse close by (and so I could see a little of him out of the corner of my eye if I looked that way) during the group. And then back in my lap in the car for the next 2 hours as I drove around.

We just got home.

Overall... it wasn't a bad experience. It wasn't what I expected in some ways. Many of the professionals there had a past with an ED so it was very I guess helpful to see that that's possible because that is something I want to do.

So... yeah... I think that's about it.

I picked up 2 more boxes of fat burners. Had 6 so far today. Oh, and I had 2 relacore in the morning because I was out of fat burners...
I text the boy when I was leaving group because I think I may have been a little upset, but he said he wouldn't be around until 1. Then a bit before 2, he text me asking how I've been. I said "alright I guess". No response. It is now 6:30pm. I've been numbed out all day, as usual.

After my last post, I did make myself eat a fiber one bar. Wasn't happy about it.

I've just finished dinner. I was so hungry right before dinner I was actually in pain. But hey, I think I'm starting to feel "real" hunger more now. Anyway, I had turkey chili. Just a small serving. I couldn't even finish it though. Right now I feel so full and so huge and like I am going to explode. I really didn't have that much.

My total intake for the day:
Muffin and coffee
Fiber one bar
Turkey chili & small corn muffin (didn't finish anything)

Oh!! And this morning while I was getting ready for group I get a text from J (I didn't respond until in the car on my way there so this whole conversation was happening while I was on my way there and freaking out).Now let's also keep in mind I haven't heard from her really these past few weeks and when I text her I was getting mainly... well... ignored.

Is your phone properly receiving texts? Or are you mad at me for something? I don't get it.Me- You sent me one text last night that I haven't had a chance to respond to.J- These past few weeks you have barely been giving me the time of day.
Sorry.J- That didn't really answer my question. If you ever want to tell me what I did wrong this time you know how to reach me.Me- Did it ever occur to you that maybe these past few weeks have just been really hard for me?J- Okay well I'm sorry to hear that but they have also been extremely hard for me and the feeling of being abandoned doesn't help.Me- Well I'm sorry you feel that way and it wasn't intentional. But this is a really bad time to talk about it.

How do I always end up being the one to apologize? There was a little more later but that's the gist of it. That was the 'before group' part of the conversation. It's great to know that I have people who are there for me in my life.


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