It makes me feel so bad though too, because apparently, I am. But I don't see it. I don't feel it.
I just want to know what everyone else sees. I want to see what everyone else sees. I want to feel how everyone else sees me.
I mean, I don't think I'm a dog or anything (well, when I have makeup on) but it's just not a good feeling. And there are times where I look at myself in the mirror and actually want to gag.
And the whole bones being comforting thing... they really are for me. I am constantly rubbing my collarbones. And now that I am starting to see them a little more- I am even starting to think that my actual bones are too big.
I think I just want to be so small I disappear. So small I can't hurt myself. So small I vanish into thin air and don't have to worry about anyone leaving me ever again.
I don't know what brought on this intense fear of everyone leaving me... but I think the eating disorder may have actually started before that. So I don't know why I have this fucking eating disorder. I just want to know why so I can work on getting it out of me!
I mean- I know that on occasion when people don't respond to a text/call me back, or when someone cancels plans or something... it's a trigger for me. The whole lonely factor is a trigger for me. Being alone is a trigger for me.
And then there are the emotions. The emotions that I just can't deal with. Why can't I handle emotions? I used to be able to... didn't I? What the fuck is wrong with me?
Oh... and have I mentioned I think that I'm kind of really interested in my ex? But he doesn't want me. Why would he?
Ugh, whatever. I'm going to bed now. Goodnight.