Sunday, August 14, 2011

I just want to feel beautiful.

It makes me feel so bad though too, because apparently, I am. But I don't see it. I don't feel it.

I just want to know what everyone else sees. I want to see what everyone else sees. I want to feel how everyone else sees me.

I mean, I don't think I'm a dog or anything (well, when I have makeup on) but it's just not a good feeling. And there are times where I look at myself in the mirror and actually want to gag.

And the whole bones being comforting thing... they really are for me. I am constantly rubbing my collarbones. And now that I am starting to see them a little more- I am even starting to think that my actual bones are too big.

I think I just want to be so small I disappear. So small I can't hurt myself. So small I vanish into thin air and don't have to worry about anyone leaving me ever again.

I don't know what brought on this intense fear of everyone leaving me... but I think the eating disorder may have actually started before that. So I don't know why I have this fucking eating disorder. I just want to know why so I can work on getting it out of me!

I mean- I know that on occasion when people don't respond to a text/call me back, or when someone cancels plans or something... it's a trigger for me. The whole lonely factor is a trigger for me. Being alone is a trigger for me.

And then there are the emotions. The emotions that I just can't deal with. Why can't I handle emotions? I used to be able to... didn't I? What the fuck is wrong with me?

Oh... and have I mentioned I think that I'm kind of really interested in my ex? But he doesn't want me. Why would he?

Ugh, whatever. I'm going to bed now. Goodnight.


  1. Hey there lovely... I only know u here from the writing u do, but I want to let u know I'm reading and oh how I sooooo relate to this post....I am constantly telling my therapist how I just need/want to see, feel,hear, BE what everyone else does of me...I know I,like u, have to work through stuff to get there but please know u r not for the everyone leaving issue? I wonder if it is something with the ED because I am also fighting with that...also for the 'why' of having an ED...well my therapist thinks just working to accept it and deal with it is more important than the y...on the otherhand...the 'why' just seems so important doesn't it??? (((HUGS)))

  2. I totally get the want to disappear, the want to be small. It won't get us anywhere.
    I also understand the fear that everyone will leave. That's just part of my bpd though.
    I agree with Krystal's therapist about working on accepting and dealing with the ED than figuring out why. What good will knowing what caused your ED do? You can't change it so you might as well fix the present and not worry about the past.
    Love you!

  3. Sometimes it's a case of if I actually start to disappear, maybe then people will notice me. The sad thing is that in that instance they only see the illness, not the person.

    You are a beautiful person Nikki. Without me even having seen your face. I can see from the way you write, from your dreams and your fears. That you are not only a beautiful person, but a deep person. And that is rare to find.

    You aren't alone.