Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Some things I forgot to tell you...

Wow... so updates...

Okay... it's been one week (today) since I cut. It was the day after I got my hair cut. I think I forgot to mention that... wow... this has been a long week I feel like it's been 2.

Anyway, it's healing up pretty nicely except for the one kinda sorta deep cut... it'll be fine though. 

I feel like there's so much that I really don't even know...

Let's talk about J. I know I told you guys about the morning I went to group and that whole conversation, right? Well We haven't talked since that day. We haven't talked in like a month. So the other night I send her a text... I'll just recap the whole conversation for you guys.

Me: You know, if you have a problem with me for some reason... I'd really love to know.

J: No I don't have anything against you, last convo we had ended on good terms. I just have a lot of personal stuff going on and I know you do as well so I thought it would be best if we gave each other some space.
Me: Well I don't need space, I need friends.
J: It's good that you're reaching out but I do know you have other people to talk to and I think I may need some space. I don't think we would be getting along all that well right now with our own issues going on.
Me: It's not about having someone to talk to, I don't need someone to talk to. It's about having someone who's there. But if you can't do that then fine.
J: I'm sorry I don't think I can detach like that. I don't wanna bother you with my stuff and I always have all-or-nothing thinking. I feel guilty every time I reach out to someone, esp. you cause I know you have stuff going on. Hence the space.

1) Our last conversation did NOT end on good terms. She just stopped responding mid-conversation. Not okay.
2) My BIGGEST ISSUE is the overwhelming fear that everyone in the world is going to leave me. She's aware of this fear. Gee, thanks for proving me right!
3) I am NOT just going to be friends with someone only when it's convenient for them. That is not how shit works.
4) Don't talk to me like you're my fuckin' therapist. Hell- if a therapist ever talked to me like that, I wouldn't continue seeing them. I am a fucking human being. I'm not some project or experiment or something to be analyzed.

Okay, enough about J. Now I am going to tell you about my revelation that I forgot about until just now. So I have an eating disorder. I self harm. Dance is my life. Dance is why I'm hear. As a dancer- my body is my instrument. So obviously when I'm hating myself I take it out on my body. I hurt the one thing that gives me the most. The thing I should be loving the most. It seems to be a slow method of self destruction.

Now for the last thing- T. Yes, T as in my ex-boyfriend. I think I'm falling for him. Crap. FUCK MY LIFE. I was talking to him a few nights ago and I told him I missed him. And he didn't respond. And then later that night I get a phone call from him. That like... never happens. So I pick up and the first thing he says is "hey gorgeous". I didn't even get mad... because he knows me well enough now... and he knows I don't see it... but he really, really wants me to. Anyway, it was a short conversation. Small talk type stuff. When I'm coming back to school... I've been gone all summer... blah blah blah. It was great though... except the way it ended. There was some kind of noise in the background and was like "gotta go" real quick and hung up...

I dunno. I really, really do miss him though. Like more than just seeing him. I miss being with him.

Anyway... other than my flooded basement and all that crap I think I've got you updated on the events of my life in the last week or so.



  1. Woooooooo for one week cut free!! That's quite the accomplishment. Keep building on it!
    Love you Nikki. Keep fighting.

  2. well done for not cutting for a week! :) xo.