Thursday, November 29, 2012

And so it begins...

So I've been meaning to update you guys for the past two weeks and everyday something new happens and it gets more and more overwhelming to have to type it all out... I'll just make a list and see what I can go into detail about.

  • Started lamictal (take my last 25mg tomorrow and then move on to 50mg)
  • Started talking/hanging out with J again... its like nothing's changed
  • My dad's uncle died Monday... I didn't really know him well but still.
  • MY friend K (have I talked about her before) have 3 tumors, one with cancer cells which may or may not be active... at this point she doesn't wanna do chemo.
  • I'm on the anxiety medication... haven't taken more than 2 at a time so far
  • Took some fat burners Tuesday (4) and 2 yesterday morning along with a bottle of smirnoff ice before 9am
So yeah... I really really need to get on here more and track my moods and things...

OH... forgot the almost killing myself part... yeah, I'm fine... I just really wanted to crash my car... parked down by a river for like over an hour... don't worry I'm fine.

SO sick right now though and I feel SUPER fat and huge and disgusting and I just wanna cut it all off.

Still wanting to withdraw from school...

Still making 'attempts' at purging but not getting very far...

STILL not recovered... from anything... go figure... I doubt I ever will, I should honestly just kill myself. But fuck.

Whatever... I'm fine... seriously gonna work on more updates... maybe once I withdraw from school I can make that happen.


Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Hearing Colors and Lamictal

Ugh... okay, so about three weeks ago I was super depressed and missing classes and about to legit withdraw from school.

Last week I was a  ball of energy. Slept about 10 hours in 5 days... was talking a mile a minute... couldn't make a single connection from one thing to the next... wanted to have sex about 85% of the time... would laugh or cry at the drop of a hat but was overall amused by things and extremely distracted. I dyed my hair purple and went to get my NEDA tattoo but they couldn't fit me in so I have to go back Saturday...

Today I've been all over the place... I've been so confused with everything. I was feeling really low and negative but then had some moments where I was really happy and the whole thing just frustrated me. I filled my prescription for lamictal but am still not sure about taking it. I need to ask my psychiatrist if I'm allowed alcohol while on it... I've heard different things and want to know what to do.

But I've just been super confused, like... for a few days in between last week and this week... I felt almost "normal"-ish... but then it's like... I don't know what "normal" is and I don't know what that means for me and I can't distinguish the line between depression/baseline or mania/baseline. Like, I don't even know what's real anymore. I don't know how I'm supposed to know if what I'm feeling is real or if it's just the bipolar...

And I thought it was bad not being able to trust my eyes as far as what I see in the mirror and on a body level... but now I have no idea what's going on in my head and what I can trust to be real. I don't know who I am under all of these diagnosis' anymore. Like, I finally thought I was finding myself... and now I'm lost again. 

I told my boyfriend that I hear colors and smell sounds or whatever the fuck I said cause sometimes weird things like that happen to me and he somehow still doesn't think I'm crazy. He sent me this really long message about all the things he knows about me to try to help me out and also just to cheer me up and I did feel better later on. I just had this like break where I freaked out after filling my prescription (maybe that triggered something?).

And I just ate too much today and was already feeling gross and bloated and disgusting and now I just really wanna fuckin' throw up and I haven't cut in like... a month? Or some shit like that... I don't even know. Like I was doing so fuckin' well. Just Friday alone I fuckin' threw out 8 out of 11 of my razors AND ate pizza. PIZZA. Like... what the actual FUCK.

Also, sidenote... I really need to get on here more. Not just as an outlet... but also just to friggin' track my moods and be able to go back and realize- oh shit... so that's what's goin' on. I'm really, really gonna try to get on here daily again... if not that, at least once a week I need to post.

Sorry if I've been worrying anyone by not posting.
You can always find me on my tumblr or twitter or instagram.