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******I AM NOT PRO-ANA******

*THIS IS NOT A PRO-ANA BLOG*

I am trying to recover from a serious eating disorder and even though it may seem like something else, I do not encourage unhealthy behaviors. Eating disorders are mental illnesses that I would not wish upon my worst enemy. I am extremely aware of both the healthy and unhealthy behaviors that I take part in and am at the point in my recovery where I can admit to them, but still engage in them.

I know on occasion I may talk about how little I have eaten and how happy it makes me.
THIS IS BECAUSE I HAVE A PROBLEM.

I do go through and read every comment on my blog, I also take them all very seriously. If there were any
"pro-ana comments", I am sorry but for myself and for my followers who are also in recovery or who have an ED and are struggling, I have to delete those.

If you want to follow my blog, that is great, I love every single one of my followers, honestly... and even more so the ones who take the time out to comment and let me know they are following along and who offer support. But I do not need any support to continue in my eating disordered behaviors. 

Yes... I may follow some pro-ana blogs. But that does not mean I agree with them. At this point in my recovery... I'm actually not sure why I still follow them. I know at first it was to hang on to that last little piece of my problem... but I think I'm ready to let go of that piece. 

I have been working my ASS off to recover and to learn to fall in love with life. I have been fighting myself every damn day. Telling myself I ate too much, knowing I really didn't eat enough, binging because I'm lonely, hating myself for binging, tearing the house apart looking for razors, knowing that cutting doesn't solve anything... I have  been fighting against suicidal thoughts for almost a decade now... all the while slowly killing myself.

I have physical scars that I see every single day of my life to remind me of the pain I've put myself through. I am at the point in my life, where things are... okay... but I know that if I ever, EVER, let myself get to the point I was at last year (and many times before) that I will not be able to get myself out of it. I have been way past rock bottom... and I know that I do not have the strength or energy to pull myself out of that again. I just can't do it.

I'm sorry if this seems a little angry... I'm really not. Not at any of you... at myself and everything I'm fighting against... but I would appreciate it if there were no pro-ana comments left on my blog from now on.

Feel free to follow. Feel free to comment.
But please, keep in mind that I (as well as many of my followers) are in recovery and such comments can be triggering.

Eeek!!!

Okay... so first of all, thank you for the comments on my last post. I know, it sounds like a dumbass, stuck-up problem to have but when you don't see what other people see, you being to think everyone is lying to you... which I already think. And if anyone was actually bored enough to go and read my "about me" section (aka "why I'm here") then you would see that even when I was a kid (we're talking 3/4 years old) and people would tell me how pretty I was how I thought they were lying to me because I didn't see what they were seeing.


JDawg: thank you :)
Peanut: thanks for understanding <3
Unbeautiful: you are beautiful (yeah, yeah, internet/blog people don't count as real people). but i'm telling you that you are. if you aren't being told, it's not because you aren't. i can tell from your picture that you are beautiful on the outside and from the comments you are always leaving me that you are beautiful on the inside <3

So... now about the "Eeek!!!". Before I started this blog, when I first moved into my apartment, I had a bit of a big issue. There was a giant mutant bug with about 8 million legs running around my apartment and coming toward me. Yes, late at night I ran down to the security guard shaking and with tears running down my face. They aren't supposed to go into resident rooms, but he reallllly felt bad for me.


Well, he couldn't find the damn thing. So, I went and slept at a friends apartment for the night (after chain smoking a box of cigarettes on her front steps. We went to class together in the morning and I was out ALL day with classes. During an afternoon break I had a friend come to my apartment with me for support while I SPRAYED THE SHIT out of everything with raid. We're talking an entire can here people. Then even that night, I was afraid to be in here. I couldn't sleep. Showering was the most terrifying thing ever... to this day I still check the bathroom walls before I can pee just in case. 


So today, at about 11am, I'm getting ready to go to the mall (I never got there) and there's another. And I screamed and it ran behind the molding of my bathroom door. Now I'm in a bra, standing on my futon, shaking to the point my legs can barely hold me up. I called my mom, I called T (girl), I text T (ex) to come help me. So... he didn't wanna get out of bed. Asshole. By 11:30ish I'm standing on my chair at my desk, still to afraid to get the almost empty can of raid sitting outside the bathroom door, and still afraid to go in the bathroom for my friggin shirt! This thing was like the size of my hand. So anyway, my bathroom is directly across from me... and what do I see... ANOTHER ONE! Smaller. I think it was a baby. I call up T hysterical freaking out that these things have come to murder me and he doesn't wanna get out of bed. I literally could not breathe. He told me to look at my wrist, I half did, but the fresh cuts from yesterday weren't helping the situation. He said I was just being a baby and if I still had the problem in half hour that he would come over. 


So I get off the phone with him and call my mom back.She talked me through all of my shrieking and screaming and hysteria... the thing ran under my bed, but just at the edge, and then came over to the corner nearest me... this happened as I was putting on the flipflips next to my chair so I could go over and get the raid. I JUMPED back on the futon SCREAMING at the top of my lungs and hyperventilating... 


I managed to run over, grab the raid, and get back on the desk chair. (This thing had already starred me down when I first saw it in the bathroom, they really are out to get me.) So I'm on the chair and my mom tells me to spray it... so... I do.


And what happens?? The thing fucking CHARGES me and tries to run up the fucking chair!!! NOT AN OKAY SITUATION!! I just kept spraying and jumped over to the futon where I sprayed it a few more times just to really make sure it was dead.


Now... I have a dead bug on my floor, no raid left, and another creepin in my walls. I found something to throw on and ran down to get someone in the office to get the body out for me. I had to wait 20minutes for the office to open and the security guard saw I was like freaking out so he asked what was wrong and he talked to me until the guy came, he wasn't even ready for work he just came up front to check something, but he came up anyway. He got the dead one for me and without asking searched the bathroom just to make sure no more were in sight. He didn't see any so after he left I ran out to CVS to buy more raid.


I came back with 2 cans and got back to my building around 1 (so I was out for like an hour). I text T to see if he was still sleeping. I STILL (it's like 9:30 now) HAVE NOT HEARD BACK FROM HIM. When I got back I sat outside. I can be a big girl and spray myself but I need someone to be there with me in case one fuckin charges me... which as of today, I was proven WILL HAPPEN. After like 5 min the security guard came out and saw I was there and he stayed outside for the next like 2 hours just talking to me until finally I got someone to come over. 


It was M. He was my last resort... and he not only thinks I'm crazy, but also now delusional. He totally didn't believe me. Ugh. Whatever. So we sprayed, and I left. I went tanning, then got to dance early. After dance, I hung out for about an hour before coming back to my apartment. I just got back at like 8:20. I sprayed some more and still have not taken my shoes off. I keep looking around. I'm all itchy. I will NOT be getting any sleep tonight.


I'm also really upset about what T did. That was so NOT cool. I straight up called him. He could heard how terrified I was, I was hysterical!! I don't care if he thinks I'm a fuckin psyco and never wants to speak to me again but at that point I really just needed help with these fuckin bugs!


They're centipedes by the way. Big ones. Fast ones. 
Mutants. 
And their out to get me.

Questions Answered

I'll start at the most recent and go back in time. I think over time most of these have been answered through other posts.

First things first... the name of my new teddy bear. Funny I didn't think about it until you guys brought it up because I normally name anything and everything I see. I think I'm going to be simple and just call him Teddy. Simplicity at its finest :)


Next... the name of the song on my blog CURRENTLY is Just Tonight by The Pretty Reckless, unplugged version :) 
If you scroll all the way down you can see the playlist and video. There is only the one song on  my playlist. Also, by going down there you can turn the music off if it bothers you or if you want to watch one of the videos I often post :)


A question about the music video for Gunnin' by Hedley... I answered this via comment but just in case you didn't catch it.... my take on the video was that yes, she died.... I think it was actually based on someone the lead singer knew in real life who died from anorexia. This is just a music video though, the actual girl in the video may, probably doesn't have an eating disorder... she is an actress. I don't know her name. I agree though, she is beautiful. But so are many of you... you just don't see it because this disorder is blocking your view. Just like I know I have the ability to be confident, I just loose it behind all the other shit most of the time. 


My underboob tattoo didn't hurt as much as I expected. I just closed my eyes and relaxed. I actually enjoyed it... weird, right? Even the painful parts. And yes, there were some letters where I was like WHAT THE FUCK?!? But for the most part it was a comforting feeling. Plus when he was doing it I guess his forearm is like, the same length as my torso, haha, so he rested his arm on my belly and his elbow came to just under my bellybutton... or a little further than just under :) Which was also a comforting feeling. It made me feel so much safer.


I think that's all for now... oh, and my rook piercing hurt like a bitch, but I think I already mentioned that I came close to breaking my friend's hand. Even getting the barbell changed hurt because it was originally done with externally threaded jewelery. So If you guys want a piercing, make sure it's internally threaded :) It's safer and less painful. 


If you have any more questions about whatever feel free to leave them in the comments, and as always questions are welcome on all of my posts! I will try to make more posts answering them for you guys!


As you know from my most recent post, I am not working today, I called in sick... 5th day of my internship. Whoops! Anyway, I'll either be sleeping (which isn't working because I can't breathe and feel to nauseous) or on here posting away!

Much love <3


xox

Random Blog Updates

I added new songs to the song list and started to put in some of my guide stuff that I'm working on. I'm also going to start working on that whole "series of unfortunate events" for those of you who have read my 'Who Am I?' page. I don't know when it will be up or how long it will take me to get it done but I think it's about time I get it all out. It's just so much information that it's almost overwhelming.


So after my last post... the whole week was kind of hell. This morning wasn't great either but I just showered and I'm going to try to turn that around. I'm still hangin' in there. It's tough... but I'm getting out of bed (most mornings) and I'm still here so I guess that's something to be proud of. Maybe I am stronger than I realize because even with all of this I'm still here? I dunno. 


But anyway, check out the new songs there are some really good ones... the video up top is one of them because the video is just amazing and yeah... then I also added another Natasha Bedingfield song (recover) and Jenni Schaffer's 'Life without ED'. There are some others to so just check it out. And the 'Guide to Happiness' page is up, not fully completed but that's all I have some more. Feel free to comment with suggestions or whatever else.


Peace.