"Now is right on time."

Oh, hey summer!!

                                      

Can you really see through me now, I am about to go.

I have so many thoughts lately and I never know where to start.

My day. I'll start with my day. I woke up for work, allergies made me feel sick as hell. I only gave myself an hour to get ready so I'm tryin' not to puke while I get much stuff together and drive to work. I know I won't, I never do (unless I'm also on my period). But I wish I would. Just wake up every morning, vomit, and go on with my day. Because at least then I wouldn't feel super nauseous, ya know? Or if I could make myself do it, which I can't... I've tried several times. Just to get rid of the feeling. But then again we all know if I could do that I would spend most of my day over the toilet.


So work was good today, I really enjoyed the end of the day setting up a game for a client :) But lunch, awkwarrrrdddd... My supervisor asked me if I was hungry around 1-1:30ish and I said no but she was so she had her lunch with her husband while I hid in the office and pretended to do work, which I really don't have any to do yet. After that we went shopping for games and to get brochures printed and stuff. She's kind of all over the place sometimes so I don't think she even remembered I skipped lunch. I can't do that all the time, but I'm looking forward to having more work to actually do so I can say I'm not hungry and then just get shit done. 


Haha, when she came back from seeing a client I was huddled into a little ball in her office chair, hood up, skillet playing on pandora. I love to feel small. I need to feel small. It's comforting to me. So is the feeling of my own bones. When I get anxious, I can just feel my bones and it calms me down... if I can't feel the bones or they aren't prominent enough, I'm fucked.


I had rehearsal after work, and now I'm finally back. I've felt bloated and fat and huge and uncomfortable all day. I have a performance on Friday night. Fuck. I need my costume by tomorrow for tech., I need to figure it out tonight because I leave super early tomorrow and then am running straight to dance (late) because of work. Which means trying things on tonight. Fuck. In addition to showering... ughh. I literally can't change a t-shirt without closing my eyes. 

Now onto boy things. It's really fuckin buggin me. Still nothing. And everyone keeps telling me to text him, but I refuse to. I shouldn't have to. And even if I did, I know he would respond. He will always respond. But I don't want him to talk to me just cause he feels bad for me. He's just that kind of person. He loves everyone, he wants everyone to be happy. He wants to save everyone. I don't want to be saved. I don't want to be pitied.


And as always, the more I think of something, the more I put the blame on myself. I'm not pretty enough. I wasn't as crazy as the last two times he met me. I'm too fat. I'm bad at sex. I told him too much. I'm a crazy psycho bitch diagnosed with anorexia/ednos who is covered in scars. I have the lowest self esteem I think I've ever seen. There isn't a single thing about myself I like. My personality sucks. I didn't talk enough. I'm too easy. I'm not a happy enough person overall. I don't dress cute. I wear too much makeup. I don't wear enough makeup. I could go on forever. 


I let my guard down. For some unknown reason, I let someone in. And now we haven't talked in a week. Everyone leaves me. Everyone. No one likes me. It's always been that way. Hell... I don't like me. 


I can't believe I let myself think he was any different from all the other guys. I think part of why it's buggin me is also cause I really do like him. I don't like guys that often. It fuckin sucks. 

My supervisor asked me something today that really made me think. She asked how I like to be acknowledged for doing a good job or whatever. Did I like flowers? Did I like to go out to lunch? Did I like (fill in the blank)? And I honestly couldn't answer. It's like I don't think I deserve any of that ever. I dunno. I'm just doing what I'm supposed to be doing, I shouldn't be praised for it. Whatever.


I feel like there is so much more to say right now... but I just can't think... plus I think this is long enough.


Again, I want to thank you guys so so much for reading my nonsense. You're comments mean the world to me... they make me smile :) 

Random Blog Updates

I added new songs to the song list and started to put in some of my guide stuff that I'm working on. I'm also going to start working on that whole "series of unfortunate events" for those of you who have read my 'Who Am I?' page. I don't know when it will be up or how long it will take me to get it done but I think it's about time I get it all out. It's just so much information that it's almost overwhelming.


So after my last post... the whole week was kind of hell. This morning wasn't great either but I just showered and I'm going to try to turn that around. I'm still hangin' in there. It's tough... but I'm getting out of bed (most mornings) and I'm still here so I guess that's something to be proud of. Maybe I am stronger than I realize because even with all of this I'm still here? I dunno. 


But anyway, check out the new songs there are some really good ones... the video up top is one of them because the video is just amazing and yeah... then I also added another Natasha Bedingfield song (recover) and Jenni Schaffer's 'Life without ED'. There are some others to so just check it out. And the 'Guide to Happiness' page is up, not fully completed but that's all I have some more. Feel free to comment with suggestions or whatever else.


Peace.

No Words :)

Assumptions

So, this morning, I was just thinking about assumptions and how much what people assume of us can affect us... especially when we already know exactly what they are going to assume and therefore feel like we're letting them down. Okay, well maybe that's just me. But who knows, maybe this happens to some of you guys too and you just never stopped to think about. 

I was talking to a friend the other day and instead of him trying to fix my problems or make me better, he just listened and asked me questions. Questions that made me think. He's amazing.


Anyway, assumptions. As I'm sitting here wrapped up in my polka dot blanket and thinking about how I will be skipping yet another class this morning, something came to my attention. Now first, let me just say that I am not at all a quiet person when you get to know me well enough and once I feel safe enough to open up around you... usually. But since I am quiet around new people or new situations, or even my family because there are so many people that it intimidated me as a child, people just think that's how I am. They think I'm quiet. I hate quiet. And I think I hate it so much because that's not me. But then once I try to open up to people or I get to a somewhat safer level with them... they think it's weird. 


Now that I'm older, I've noticed this a lot in my family. All I have to do is say 'hi' and everyone freaks out and is like oh my god she's talking! Blah blah blah. After that, I stay quiet. It's embarrassing and whatever. I'm not gonna get too much into it because I just woke up and it's kind of difficult to explain.

But then since I'm 'the quiet one', people also assume that I'm smart and I go to classes and do all my work. I never do homework, I procrastinate on everything, and I miss more classes then I go to. I don't get good grades, I never have.


I still remember the day I realized I was the dumb kid in the class.


I was in kindergarten. I was 5 years old. This is the day I realized I was just plain stupid.


We all had to write out all of the numbers 1-100 and then we could go play. Everyone was playing. I wasn't even up to 20. I was actually just barely past 10. My teacher had to come over and try to help me but I couldn't concentrate because I was trying so hard not to cry. I couldn't be both the dumb kid and the crybaby. I had to stay a few minutes late and then since I still wasn't done finish the next day.


But then I used to get teachers my brother had before me. And he is smart. But I was his quiet little sister, a double whammy. So of course they assumed I was smart. I just ended up letting everyone down because I was not who or what they expected me to be.


No one really understands how badly assumptions can hurt people.

** Just as a side note. I know many of you probably know this, but I am not in therapy. I know that I need it... I can admit that now, I'm certifiably insane so it's kind of a no brainer... but I don't want therapy, I don't trusts it (this is my personal opinion, it's a good thing for you to go to if it helps!). I have just not had good experiences with it. That is why I'm blogging and trying to fix things on my own, for the most part. And this blogging has really been helping me out because when I expand on these little thoughts in my head I think it's helping me come closer to the root[s] of my problems. Which, of course, not knowing why I am the way I am is a huge part of what bothers me. Like, if I had a reason, it would be just a hair easier for  me. I don't know... either way, thank  you for reading along and for commenting. Thank you for showing me that I'm not alone and that there are people in existence to care and understand. It truly truly means the world to me. I've never been one to talk and this blog is really helping me to just get some things out.

Baby you're a firework

Do you know that there's still a chance for you

Cause there's a spark in you

You just gotta ignite the light

And let it shine

Just own the night

Like the Fourth of July

Cause baby you're a firework

Come on show 'em what your worth

Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"

As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework

Come on let your colors burst

Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"

You're gunna leave 'em fallin' down-own-own