Morning Inspiration?

I have a few things to tell you guys that I neglected in my last post because of the piercing excitement. I'll get around to them tomorrow afternoon/night. I'm going to make this post and set it so it gets posted first thing in the morning just because who doesn't love happy things every once in a while? 

No Words :)

Assumptions

So, this morning, I was just thinking about assumptions and how much what people assume of us can affect us... especially when we already know exactly what they are going to assume and therefore feel like we're letting them down. Okay, well maybe that's just me. But who knows, maybe this happens to some of you guys too and you just never stopped to think about. 

I was talking to a friend the other day and instead of him trying to fix my problems or make me better, he just listened and asked me questions. Questions that made me think. He's amazing.


Anyway, assumptions. As I'm sitting here wrapped up in my polka dot blanket and thinking about how I will be skipping yet another class this morning, something came to my attention. Now first, let me just say that I am not at all a quiet person when you get to know me well enough and once I feel safe enough to open up around you... usually. But since I am quiet around new people or new situations, or even my family because there are so many people that it intimidated me as a child, people just think that's how I am. They think I'm quiet. I hate quiet. And I think I hate it so much because that's not me. But then once I try to open up to people or I get to a somewhat safer level with them... they think it's weird. 


Now that I'm older, I've noticed this a lot in my family. All I have to do is say 'hi' and everyone freaks out and is like oh my god she's talking! Blah blah blah. After that, I stay quiet. It's embarrassing and whatever. I'm not gonna get too much into it because I just woke up and it's kind of difficult to explain.

But then since I'm 'the quiet one', people also assume that I'm smart and I go to classes and do all my work. I never do homework, I procrastinate on everything, and I miss more classes then I go to. I don't get good grades, I never have.


I still remember the day I realized I was the dumb kid in the class.


I was in kindergarten. I was 5 years old. This is the day I realized I was just plain stupid.


We all had to write out all of the numbers 1-100 and then we could go play. Everyone was playing. I wasn't even up to 20. I was actually just barely past 10. My teacher had to come over and try to help me but I couldn't concentrate because I was trying so hard not to cry. I couldn't be both the dumb kid and the crybaby. I had to stay a few minutes late and then since I still wasn't done finish the next day.


But then I used to get teachers my brother had before me. And he is smart. But I was his quiet little sister, a double whammy. So of course they assumed I was smart. I just ended up letting everyone down because I was not who or what they expected me to be.


No one really understands how badly assumptions can hurt people.

** Just as a side note. I know many of you probably know this, but I am not in therapy. I know that I need it... I can admit that now, I'm certifiably insane so it's kind of a no brainer... but I don't want therapy, I don't trusts it (this is my personal opinion, it's a good thing for you to go to if it helps!). I have just not had good experiences with it. That is why I'm blogging and trying to fix things on my own, for the most part. And this blogging has really been helping me out because when I expand on these little thoughts in my head I think it's helping me come closer to the root[s] of my problems. Which, of course, not knowing why I am the way I am is a huge part of what bothers me. Like, if I had a reason, it would be just a hair easier for  me. I don't know... either way, thank  you for reading along and for commenting. Thank you for showing me that I'm not alone and that there are people in existence to care and understand. It truly truly means the world to me. I've never been one to talk and this blog is really helping me to just get some things out.

I can't stop or give it up. I need to feel the pain.

So I had a bit of a minor freak out last night. I say minor because it wasn't like the previous night where I almost downed a bottle of pills. I don't really know what happened... it was just such a long, tiring day. I was exhausted and of course I never sleep. So anyway, I literally THREW every item of food I had into the trash. This includes but is not limited to: unopened boxes of cereal, juice, fruit, anything that I had cooked and frozen, jell-o, bread, etc. I am now left with coffee and alcohol. That's it. I don't even have water right now because I need to buy a case... for now I'm just buying bottles when I'm thirsty or on my way back to my apartment after class every night. 


I always feel bad when I do things like that because it's such a waste and there are people who can't afford food and I'm just the selfish bitch who willingly throws it all away. Literally, down the trash chute. I am now living off diet pills (which I need to buy more of) and water. I have, but usually don't finish, one cup of coffee in the morning... and I have the alcohol for bad days or parties. 


The last few days have just been so rough. All I can think about is how easy it would be to kill myself and how long it would take before anyone even noticed... even if I didn't live alone it's not like people would really care to find out why I had been missing. It's not that I think I ever will kill myself, I just think about it a lot more... and I guess I come closer, but I wouldn't do it. I don't think so.


Two nights ago was probably the worst... I was actually still shaking when I woke up the next day. I don't know what happened, sound familiar? All I know is I ended up locked in my bathroom attempting to purge, cutting (totally defeats the purpose of the tattoo, but I guess it'll be a slow process?), and almost taking every diet pill or any other pill I could find. I did take a handful of water pills and a few hydroxycut max's. And as I sat there starring at the open bottles all around me, all I could think was "I'm scared". I'm scared of myself, of what I might do to myself. I turned my phone on and started texting people to distract me from myself but trying not to let them know anything was wrong. The one person I really wanted to talk to didn't respond until two hours later, but he didn't know anything was wrong... it's better that way, especially with him. I think he might have known something was up though because I just text him saying, "can you talk?" He knows me too well... and he did apologize for the late response which he doesn't usually do. Either way, I was scared and alone... I ended up turning off all of my lights and getting into bed, before 8pm. I also turned my heat off so I would be too cold to even THINK of leaving my bed. I left the razor on my bedside table and there were tons of pills in my purse right by my side. But I just covered myself up and tried not to think. 


Later one of my friends figured out I wasn't having the best night, yet again. I think when she text me I was complaining about not being able to sleep and she told me to try these sleeping pills because I basically have insomnia most of the time. I responded to her by saying I didn't think it would be a good idea for me to have any kind of pills at the moment. I kind of wish I did have sleeping pills though, they really would help... but I don't think I can risk the fact that I may have other nights like that (there have been a lot of those recently actually). But having sleeping pills would just make it so much easier, I mean yeah, diet pills are an easy way to go into cardiac arrest... but... yeah, I'm just gonna stop talking about that now.


I almost wish someone knew how much pain I was really in... I wish someone actually cared. I'm absolutely insane though. People don't want to have to put up with me, and no one cares enough about me to do it anyway. I dunno. Really though, I know this sounds lame and I've never been the dependent type, but it's times like these when I really wish I had a boyfriend. Someone who would hold me through the night. Someone who could protect me from myself. Someone who I could trust.


So much for a better New Year. 


I don't know if I've mentioned how I get into agruments with people when they tell me I'm pretty, but I do. I want to share this conversation from yesterday with you guys. I was literally too exhausted to argue. I don't deny the fact I don't think I'm pretty. Everyone knows I hate the way I look. It's just always been that way. I've sort of accepted the fact that I'm not. Anyway, heres the conversation (it's this guy I've been talking to for a while, a friend of a friend, but who I've yet to meet because of my own excuses):


Me: heyy sorry i just realized i never responded to your text last night, whats up?
Him: Nothing much, just resting. U?
Me: trying not to die
Him: Lol, that's a good game plan. I was wondering since its so difficult to see you, why don't you send me pictures.
Me: i don't take pictures... the only ones i have are on my facebook
Him: Oh, why don't you take pictures?
Me: i dont like them
Him: But you're so pretty.
Me: eh
Him: What?
Me: nothing
Him: You don't think so?
Me: nopee
Him: Well I'm telling you.
Me: that doesnt mean ill believe you
Him: Why would I lie?
Me: people lie. its a fact.
Him: I know that but there's usually a reason to lie and right now I have no reason to lie! But what will help you believe me
Me: nothing. i dont believe anyone that says that. never have, even when i was a little kid. you got lucky, i usually yell at people.
Him: Why do you yell at people, that's so mean for saying something nice.
Me: cause i dont like being lied to
Him: Nicole, I'm not lying to you. I really do think you're pretty.
Me: ok then thats your opinion
Him: Yep, I' not the one to give out a compliment for the fun of it.


(Later that night after some small talk and him saying he's still trying to figure me out, to which I wished him luck since I don't even know myself.)


Him: Oh well at least I figured out something about you today
Me: ?
Him: I honestly don't know how to explain it to you.
Me: haha.. oh well anyway im gonna turn my phone off for the night
Me: oh and btw it would be totally legit to just say that im crazy.... everyone else already does. night!

This was just on my ipod and I was thinking as I sang along how this song is so true for me. Every last word... and then I realized it's not all true anymore. I've gotten to the point in my life where I've been broken so many times that I don't know if I can put all the pieces back one more time.

Well, that's enough of my ranting for now. I'm sure I have more to say but I'm not going to. I hope you're all doing well <3