Spring Cleaning

Oh... so I believe there are a few things I should update you on... like... oh, say... everything?!?


Where to even start??
I think I'll go from biggest to smallest...

So first, school. 
I am staying. My only option would have been to take a leave of absence until spring. None of the community college schedule's lined up with mine. Plus, I like my therapist at school.


For the moment, I am seeing two... sort of...
There's my therapist at school (who I am going to stay with), and the woman at home I went to see... I've only seen her once so far (I should cancel Monday's appointment) and I'm not a fan of her... I'm not nearly as comfortable as I am with the other guy.


          1st- she focused way way way too much on food and what did you eat and what's a typical day (in terms of food) and how often do you take diet pills, how often do you take laxatives, how often do you do this or that, do you have any rituals or obsessions regarding food?!? LIKE OH MY GOD! I THINK ABOUT FOOD 24/7!!! GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK WOMAN! Plus, she's trying to plant the idea of seeing a nutritionist.... umm... NO. I know what is healthy and unhealthy, I am fully conscious of this when I am doing either healthy or unhealthy behaviors. I have made progress, that is not what I am there for. 


          2nd- my therapist (the one I am going to continue seeing) lets me be the boss. He's there to join me on my journey and support me along the way... this woman wants to always talk about food and she wants to figure out what my problems are and focus on those... bitch.


          3rd- she writes things down. I don't care if it was just about food, I don't like that. I am a person... a human being, not a lab experiment. Enough said.


          4th- she's a she... yupp, I realized that it is easier for me to talk to guys/get along with guys/trust guys because of all the bitches who've gone behind my back in the past.


          5th- she does the occasional fake smile. I almost punched out a doctor once for that same damn fake smile. Don't test me.

So, yeah, I'm comfortable with the guy at school. Focusing MORE on food, is not something that helps me, it is not something I am comfortable with.


That was kind of two things in one... but anyway, the other thing is about J. We didn't talk for over a month... I deleted her number, removed her from facebook, and blocked her on g-mail...

Yet, when I saw a number on my phone that was similar to hers I had to double check with someone because  the number had called twice in a few minutes and I had this incredible urge to see if it was J and if she was okay.


She called Monday night. Long story short, we're friends again... but we have boundaries. Which is fine. It's just for the time being until we are both more stable. There were tears. There were confessions. 


We will always be friends... until we are old and wrinkly and gray...


I'm still upset about the concert.
That was a night I waited forever for and will never get back.


But what's done is done and I'm not going to dwell on the past.


I was actually thinking of something the other day when I was thinking about the two therapists. I've given up on trying to figure out why I have an eating disorder. Yes, I believe some of us are born sort of at more of a risk of developing one, I think the majority of it is in our brains, it is how we cope... blah, blah, blah... But I'm over trying to figure out why. What was it that triggered all of this? I don't know. And really, why does it matter? As long as I can learn to cope with things in a healthier way (i.e. no cutting) and be happier in general. I know that having a healthy body will make me mentally happier and that being happier will help me to eat in healthier ways. 


I am very aware now of right and wrong, so to speak. What I really need to do is learn to cope. I know that increased confidence and self esteem will also come with the better body image... but I have to do it in a healthy way. I also will probably need to work on the "not-good-enough" thoughts and feelings... but really, I don't need to use therapy to focus on food. I'm over being defined by this eating disorder. And that's all focusing on food does for me... 


People are trying to hard to figure me out... and I don't want to be figured out... I don't even understand myself most of the time... but that's okay, I don't need to have it all together all the time... I just need to be able to deal. 
I don't always know what's gonna trigger me... but what's it matter as long as I know how to handle it?


I've always been a bit of a mystery... so let's keep it that way :)


I'm a special kind of case. I have done a lot of the work on my own before going into therapy... I am going to be a therapist myself. I am and have been my own client through this whole process of taking the first steps to recovery... I've dug deep and I've learned a lot about myself.


I'm tired of focusing on the bad... I know the good is in there somewhere... I just have to dig a little deeper and throw all the garbage out on the curb. But I've got a lot of garbage... and it's heavy stuff... that's where the therapist comes in.


Spring cleaning isn't so bad when you're not alone.

Baby Steps: Next to Nothing

I just finished reading this. It only took me a few hours last night and then a few here and there throughout today. I highlighted, took notes in the margins, the whole nine.


I found it extremely useful. Baby steps. I read a book. J was the one that got my to buy it (she doesn't know she did that though). I'm not making any promises... and I'm still not quite ready to 100% get rid of the restricting aspect of my life. But the binge, diet pill, ex-lax. That sucks. This book showed me that I'm not alone and I'm not crazy.


I'm not the only one that doesn't have a specific traumatic incident that triggered the onset of my eating disorder. And you don't need that to recover. Also, it's okay to not be ready for recovery. I mean... I know I want it one day. I wish I could find the exact quote but I don't have the time right now... at one point though she says that you may never really be fully ready for recovery. It's a scary process. 


She goes on throughout the entire book about how it's okay to fall down as long as you keep picking yourself up and trying again. She also says how the eating disorder didn't just appear overnight, so recovery isn't going to happen overnight either... it takes time. She talks about the types of therapies she's been in and her personal experiences. It is also not uncommon for eating disorder to shift. Like me, her eating disorder started off as anorexia and after treatment (the first time) she shifted over to having some more bulimic tendencies. Always a reason I am bitter about my first round of "treatment", if you can even call it that. But I guess it was either that or I would be dead already. She says that while both recovery and eating disorders are hell... recovery has a positive outcome, where all that lies at the end of an eating disorder is a coffin. Pretty straightforward. 


I love that this book isn't just about anorexia. It isn't about any specific subtype of an eating disorder, it is about all eating disorders. All the people who suffer them. It really is a book for everyone. It's great for you if you are or think you may be suffering an eating disorder, and it is also good for your loved ones or someone who needs to understand what you are going through.


Well, I have to go now. How am I feeling? Like I need to shower. I'm sore. I don't really have much makeup on... and I feel completely huge. But I'm alive. I guess that's all that matters? I have a killer headache too. But I'm gonna get going, I have dance in about an hour.


Oh, and also... once I get some money, I'm going to get some ED Recovery Workbooks to get started off. There's also one I found online, and it's not a bad price plus it gives you access to online forums and even Skype groups to work through the workbook together. Baby steps. Baby steps. Baby steps.


Hope you are all well. I know I haven't been around much this last week or so.

"As long as you breathe, there is always hope." 

Your Reflection

This is an older video I made. I am probably going to be making more today since I'm out of work sick for the day.

She's got issues **trigger warning**

Third post of the day. My apologies... I'm obviously a bit bipolar. I mean... not really, I just have extreme highs and lows. Do with that what you want. I am also going to apologize ahead of time for not having inspiration in this post... maybe I'll get a little in the end for you guys, but I'm not just feelin it.

So I ate way way way too much today. I actually wanted to puke while eating at one point. I feel uber gross. I might hang out over the toilet for a while tonight and see what happens. I'm gonna pop a few ex-lax also... and I'll pick up more diet pills this week since I'm out of both green tea and hydroxycut, and I haven't had hoodia in a long time =/ 

**sigh**

I'm going to really restrict this week. I have to. I know I'll have no problems over the weekend because I will be dancing all day every day, literally. As for work... I'm gonna have to bring something. If I can avoid actually eating it... I will. 


I hate this. Why did I have to eat so much?
Because it's not under my control, that's why.


If it were up to me... I wouldn't eat at all. 


Or, hey, here's an idea... maybe I'd eat healthy. Normal. What a fuckin concept.


My tummy. It feels so huge. It feels so.... **gag**

I hate this feeling. I hate how no one who knows me understands this feeling. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad they've never experienced it... but they all think I'm crazy. I am crazy. Fuck.


I'm that crazy bitch. I'm that pyscho girl that's gonna end up in a mental institution one day. I 'm one of the most self destructive people ever! Why does it have to be so difficult for me to fucking like myself. 






I need sharper razors. I need to go to the art store. I need blades. Sharp, searing blades.










Plan for tomorrow. Get up. Write morning pages. Light workout in the apartment. Shower. Makeup and hair. Loud music. Lots of loud music. Go to work. Since I start at 11:30, pull off the big breakfast again? Or make a phone call at 1pm? I have to make a call between 1 and 4. When she goes for lunch, I'll dial the phone. I can't eat lunch. It's one of the scariest meals for me. Leave work... go straight to dance (hopefully). If I can get back to campus by 7pm, dance. Possibly hit up the gym after? I need to clean, and will need to shower... again. I hate feeling smelly. Go to sleep right away.


I feel as though I'm getting a cold. It's been like this a while. Pretty sure it's just allergies. I'll be spending the next three days with 2 cats. Awesome. I have no idea what to wear tomorrow. Maybe a sweatshirt?


I am grotesque. I am such a joke. 


Even the boy (I hope by now you all realize who I mean by 'the boy') told me that when I'm with him I'm not aloud to cut. I mean... technically I'm not with him right now. Not physically, not as far as a relationship. We barely even speak. So, yeah. My internship has kept me away from my wrists. I guess that's a step forward.

Although my legs will never again be the same. Not that I ever cared for anyone to see them in the first place. If I need to, for this week... after work. If I feel like eating... in addition to the cigarettes I can chain smoke walking back from dance. I'll just make a drink. Nothing huge... but I never eat when alcohol is involved. So I'll get a few calories in here and there. It's whatever. Just one drink after work. I'll limit myself and keep it under control. I don't wanna be forever known as that wasted girl in class. I feel like that's why I'm not quite as close with the other dance majors as I used to be. 


People say they care... and then they leave. They can't deal with me.


I don't blame them. I can't deal with me either... I just spend every day of my life talking myself out of suicide. Sometimes I see the good in life. I see the little girls that look up to me, the people who are depending on me, the commitments I've already made...

I've never been one to take the easy way out. But I'm learning that there's a first for everything.
I'm sorry.

Here it is...

Well... here it goes.


My whole life I've been told that I'm pretty. And my whole life I never believed anyone... I don't know why, I just didn't see it. And we're talking like preschool/kindergarten age here. I used to scratch my inner thighs, where I wished there was no fat... so that they would be a straight line when I sat down and not go out to the sides or whatever. So I guess thats's really when the whole self harm thing started.


Freshman year in high school is when I really started cutting... I did it on my hips. I also gained a lot of weight that year. I would run downstairs and sneak something to eat every time I was home alone. Sophomore year I transferred high schools and my eating went back to somewhat normal, I mean, I always had days I would skip meals even earlier on. By the middle/end of that year I started cutting down. It got to the point where I was having coffee for breakfast, a bottle of water for lunch, an apple after school, and dinner only on some days. By junior year I had transferred back to my old high school. I know Tuesday's my dinner was weight control oatmeal, Wednesdays was Special K cereal, and Thursdays was a lo-carb monster energy drink. Even before this I would go out with "friends" on weekends and I would say we were getting dinner, that money usually went to tanning.


When I was 17 year old (Senior in high school, it was still October, Columbus Day to be exact) is when I was diagnosed. Now, I had been sent to doctors before that and they had told me to gain weight but I kept loosing and at this point was 96 pounds (I took weight lifting and I think the only reason I really dropped below 100 was because of loosing muscle weight over the summer). I was happy with my body and didn't think I could even loose anymore. I never thought I would be that low. I'm only 5'2" so it really isn't all that bad. 


I should probably mention that the cutting stopped when I started to loose weight. And during junior year people would say things to the school nurse about me being anorexic and people where always concerned and asking my parents if I was okay. I still didn't eat breakfast, but I did start eating more at school. I went from a 100 calorie slim fast bar, to a reduced fat peanut butter sandwich and an apple. Still, having an entire bottle of water. I was still loosing, I stopped worried so so much about what I was eating. If I worked out a lot that day and hadn't eaten, I might make no-pudge brownies for the family that night... I really felt amazing. I was eating healthy... but... I dunno. 


I lost my period beginning of my junior year... well beginning/middle. My belief is that I only got it so early in life (age 12) because I was always a little on the heavier side and that if I haden't been I would've been one of those girls who gets it later on. Plus, I was very physically active. Not having my period wasn't a concern to me. I know my body. And my body just wasn't ready for it. But that was once of the main reasons for my parents concern. 


So back to Columbus Day, 2008. D-Day. I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa and put into the treatment program at the hospital. It was once every other Thursday. I met with a doctor, a nutritionist, and a "therapist". I really only saw the therapist once because she was leaving and I dunno it was a whole mess because why put my with her knowing she was leaving? Anyway, she made me draw a tree, a house, and a person. Each in black and white and in color. I can't draw. I'm famous for my stick figures, stick dogs, stick pigs, ect. But with the colors I felt weird making a blue or orange stick figure, so I put a colored dress on her... you know, the triangle dress but still a stick figure. Man, did I get shit for that. I just can't draw you stupid twat! Get over it!


The nutritionist, was an asshole. I hated her, still do. She was no help, didn't tell me what to expect, didn't tell me I would gain extra weight and then loose some and get back to my set point, didn't tell me my stomach might feel bloated in the process. All she told me was to eat more. And if I wasn't gaining weight, they were doing to take dance away from me. 


Let's get something straight. Dancing did not cause ANY of this. As you can see I had issues long before I began dancing. Dance is the ONLY reason I am alive right now. It's the ONLY thing that ever kept me from killing myself, and still is. 


So I felt trapped. I thought I was okay with gaining some weight, because I figured it would be mostly muscle, I figured that would kind of happen on it's own once I got back into weight lifting. Of course, I had health first semester, so that didn't happen. Anyway, I was miserable. I felt disgusting, I really started losing all my friends, I was always in fights with my mom. I would show up to dance every other Thursday in tears... full on tears. And no one said anything, they just let me dance it out, which is all I really needed. They knew shit was going on but they weren't going to ask. 


My 18th birthday was on a Thursday... one of the weeks I had to go to the hospital. My mom felt really bad and so she said I didn't have to go on my birthday. Thank God. And I never went back. Being 18, it was my decision. 


In February I got sick and was out of school/dance for a few days or a week. I don't remember. But when I was better, I realized I couldn't get into my jeans. They had been getting tight in the previous months, but where still wearable. I was so depressed. I wore sweats and hoodies and everything baggy. I felt huge and gross. I cried all the time. It was really bad. Looking back, I wasn't big. But I felt it. My stomach felt huge and I couldn't stand it.


That summer, I had my first trip to the gynecologist. They wanted me to get my period back. I knew my body wasn't ready for it. I knew I had gained plenty of weight for my period to come back and it would just take time. But no. I had to get it before I went away to college. I was given medroxyprogesterone. I read the side effects, not only do you get your period in 7 days (no joke, you get it 7 days on the dot) but weight gain is also a side affect. I threw the mother of all bitch fits. Crying, screaming, refused to go home, drove around for hours, went to the dance studio... it was bad.


So my senior year into my first year of college I guess I kind of got to a "set weight". I don't know what it was. Probably 107-110ish. I hated it. I wore cargo pants instead of jeans all the time. I haden't been close shopping (and still haven't). 


Now I'm in college. Okay. My first semester was hell. I basically didn't have a roommate, I had to dance at a studio 10 minutes off campus, I didn't make any friends let alone meet anyone, I was 4 hours from home, I was lonely. I think that's when the over-eating because of onliness really started. I mean, I know it did. I sucked at taking care of myself. Like really sucked. I think my weight stayed in around the same range though. Possibly a little more, I dunno. It fluctuated but not a huge deal. I know when they were making me gain in treatment senior year I would occasionally snack when I was upset. Anyway, that went to a whole new level. But I transferred after the first term. 


I loved my new school. Got to be a dance major. Started dating my first boyfriend (didn't last long). I was loving life. I was meeting people, a lot of people I hung out with were through my boyfriend... and then I had a few friends of my own. I really started restricting more when I got here, and exercising at least once a day, every morning. This is also when I started really having all of those insomnia issues. I still felt pretty gross. I was around 107ish.


By that spring I got so tired of feeling fat. I started with the diet pills. I didn't eat for about a week and was having slenderize fuze, maybe some fruit, and a bunch of diet pills. This all on top of the gym and dancing. I got down to 103. I knew what I was doing was bad for me. I knew it was wrong. But I felt so much better, so much happier.


My mom found some of my diet pills. She made me get rid of them and whatever... I was told if I ever drop too much weight I can't go back to school. It was fine. I got back to school... felt like I was gaining weight, didn't like the amount I was eating. I got more pills. I was probably back to 107-110... maybe even a few pounds higher. 


Well... that summer, my mom went through my trash can and tapped together a ripped up receipt. For diet pills. She brought me to Renfrew. They wanted me in their IOP program. I wanted nothing to do with it. And being 19, it was my decision. I should probably also mention that I weighed about 120 this summer. I found out at a trip to the gynecologist where she was proud of me for gaining weight. I was not. I almost punched her in the face. I believe my exact words to her when she asked me why I wasn't happy about all of this were "You just called me fat and I'm bleeding from my vagina! Of course I'm not happy!" I also had a cold that day. I was a wreak when I found out I was 120. I hadn't been that high in years. Everyone was telling me I looked great, I looked "healthy". I hate that. It's just a nice way to say fat.


So anyway, I turned down Renfrew... but my mom wanted something to be done and I ended up in therapy. It was that solution based therapy. Basically I am allowed to be 100 pounds, but any lower and I will get sent back to therapy or pulled out of school. I said I wanted my range to be 100-103. I would settle for 104 when , and only when on my period. Anyway, she said 100-103 was odd... so she made it 100-105. I was aloud to loose weight because she knew that was the only way I would be happy with my life. My mom came in and also agreed to this. 


Wow. I'm like, about to cry right now. So anyway. sophomore year my best friend was gone, he moved to another country. I lost touch with everyone else because we were no longer in a dorm together. I had roommate issues, was really sick all the time, my period began getting worse and worse every time I got it to the point that I would be throwing up because of it. I gained weight. A lot. Too much. It's nearing the end of my junior year. I still haven't lost it. I feel disgusting. I hate myself more than ever. The cutting started up again in college... moving to the wrists, by the way. It just gets worse every day.


And on top of it, this year, my best friend has been losing weight. She looks amazing. I feel like she's smaller than me now and it kills me. She's becoming more confident, I can tell. And here I am... popping pills, overexercising, and still eating because I'm lonely. I just don't know how to make it stop. I don't trust therapists because I was traumatized after treatment the first time and the second time (and third I went myself twice sophomore year at school) proved to be of no help. Therapy the summer before my sophomore year she changed my diagnosis to EDNOS. She also thinks I may have seasonal affect disorder. I try not to let anyone know how depressed I am. None of these people know about the cutting. My parents saw a cut on my arm this past summer and asked me. My mom wants me to get help still. But I just can't bring myself to do it. I want to crawl into a cave for three months with no food and just get back to a weight I'm happy at. Any weight I'm happy at. I haven't seen a scale in almost two years. I feel like I just get fatter every day. It's all I can ever think about. I'm so over this. All of it.


Ugh. Okay... well that's my story, more or less. This is starting to get really hard to talk about/think about any more so I'm gonna wrap it up. 

Borderline?

Trying to put myself in a better mood and not break down right now. Nights are always so rough. Nights are lonely. I don't sleep at night. I hate it. I'm so tired. I can't sleep.


I think I may have borderline personality disorder... or at least something very close. Yet another reason not to go to therapy. I mean, I don't like talking about this stuff and I don't want to. Not in a therapy session. It's awkward. But on top of it I think I have this underlying fear of being diagnosed with even more shit. I hate diagnoses. I hate being labeled. I hate it. 


I feel huge. My ass is way to big. My thighs are atrocious. My arms are flabby. I don't have the distinct jawline I once had. Don't even get my started on my stomach. And my hips. Oh my god. I hate it all. I hate all of me. 


I need serious fucking help. I don't want help. I just want someone to hold me and make me feel okay. I want to feel safe. I felt safe with C... safe from myself... safe from this hellhole I call my life. 


This is all straight from Mayo Clinic. 

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is an emotional disorder that causes emotional instability, leading to stress and other problems.

With borderline personality disorder your image of yourself is distorted, making you feel worthless and fundamentally flawed. Your anger, impulsivity and frequent mood swings may push others away, even though you desire loving relationships.

Borderline personality disorder affects how you feel about yourself, how you relate to others and how you behave.

When you have borderline personality disorder, you often have an insecure sense of who you are. That is, your self-image or sense of self often rapidly changes. You may view yourself as evil or bad, and sometimes may feel as if you don't exist at all. 

I also read that eating disorders, anxiety, depression, stress disorders (PTSD), mood disorders, and substance abuse can go along with BDP.

It's a lot about being emotionally unstable. I don't think that I really have it... I dunno, I just seem to have a lot of the symptoms but it's not really that bad in me that it would be diagnosed. Unless I went somewhere because they just like to diagnose and label everyone that comes through the door.

I dunno... my whole life I've just known there was something wrong with me. I was off in some way. When I was little I used to think I had some disease that no one had ever heard of before. Like I was the first to have it. I knew I was fucked up from the very start.

I really don't know where I'm going with this post... I guess I just wanted to share...

I can't stop or give it up. I need to feel the pain.

So I had a bit of a minor freak out last night. I say minor because it wasn't like the previous night where I almost downed a bottle of pills. I don't really know what happened... it was just such a long, tiring day. I was exhausted and of course I never sleep. So anyway, I literally THREW every item of food I had into the trash. This includes but is not limited to: unopened boxes of cereal, juice, fruit, anything that I had cooked and frozen, jell-o, bread, etc. I am now left with coffee and alcohol. That's it. I don't even have water right now because I need to buy a case... for now I'm just buying bottles when I'm thirsty or on my way back to my apartment after class every night. 


I always feel bad when I do things like that because it's such a waste and there are people who can't afford food and I'm just the selfish bitch who willingly throws it all away. Literally, down the trash chute. I am now living off diet pills (which I need to buy more of) and water. I have, but usually don't finish, one cup of coffee in the morning... and I have the alcohol for bad days or parties. 


The last few days have just been so rough. All I can think about is how easy it would be to kill myself and how long it would take before anyone even noticed... even if I didn't live alone it's not like people would really care to find out why I had been missing. It's not that I think I ever will kill myself, I just think about it a lot more... and I guess I come closer, but I wouldn't do it. I don't think so.


Two nights ago was probably the worst... I was actually still shaking when I woke up the next day. I don't know what happened, sound familiar? All I know is I ended up locked in my bathroom attempting to purge, cutting (totally defeats the purpose of the tattoo, but I guess it'll be a slow process?), and almost taking every diet pill or any other pill I could find. I did take a handful of water pills and a few hydroxycut max's. And as I sat there starring at the open bottles all around me, all I could think was "I'm scared". I'm scared of myself, of what I might do to myself. I turned my phone on and started texting people to distract me from myself but trying not to let them know anything was wrong. The one person I really wanted to talk to didn't respond until two hours later, but he didn't know anything was wrong... it's better that way, especially with him. I think he might have known something was up though because I just text him saying, "can you talk?" He knows me too well... and he did apologize for the late response which he doesn't usually do. Either way, I was scared and alone... I ended up turning off all of my lights and getting into bed, before 8pm. I also turned my heat off so I would be too cold to even THINK of leaving my bed. I left the razor on my bedside table and there were tons of pills in my purse right by my side. But I just covered myself up and tried not to think. 


Later one of my friends figured out I wasn't having the best night, yet again. I think when she text me I was complaining about not being able to sleep and she told me to try these sleeping pills because I basically have insomnia most of the time. I responded to her by saying I didn't think it would be a good idea for me to have any kind of pills at the moment. I kind of wish I did have sleeping pills though, they really would help... but I don't think I can risk the fact that I may have other nights like that (there have been a lot of those recently actually). But having sleeping pills would just make it so much easier, I mean yeah, diet pills are an easy way to go into cardiac arrest... but... yeah, I'm just gonna stop talking about that now.


I almost wish someone knew how much pain I was really in... I wish someone actually cared. I'm absolutely insane though. People don't want to have to put up with me, and no one cares enough about me to do it anyway. I dunno. Really though, I know this sounds lame and I've never been the dependent type, but it's times like these when I really wish I had a boyfriend. Someone who would hold me through the night. Someone who could protect me from myself. Someone who I could trust.


So much for a better New Year. 


I don't know if I've mentioned how I get into agruments with people when they tell me I'm pretty, but I do. I want to share this conversation from yesterday with you guys. I was literally too exhausted to argue. I don't deny the fact I don't think I'm pretty. Everyone knows I hate the way I look. It's just always been that way. I've sort of accepted the fact that I'm not. Anyway, heres the conversation (it's this guy I've been talking to for a while, a friend of a friend, but who I've yet to meet because of my own excuses):


Me: heyy sorry i just realized i never responded to your text last night, whats up?
Him: Nothing much, just resting. U?
Me: trying not to die
Him: Lol, that's a good game plan. I was wondering since its so difficult to see you, why don't you send me pictures.
Me: i don't take pictures... the only ones i have are on my facebook
Him: Oh, why don't you take pictures?
Me: i dont like them
Him: But you're so pretty.
Me: eh
Him: What?
Me: nothing
Him: You don't think so?
Me: nopee
Him: Well I'm telling you.
Me: that doesnt mean ill believe you
Him: Why would I lie?
Me: people lie. its a fact.
Him: I know that but there's usually a reason to lie and right now I have no reason to lie! But what will help you believe me
Me: nothing. i dont believe anyone that says that. never have, even when i was a little kid. you got lucky, i usually yell at people.
Him: Why do you yell at people, that's so mean for saying something nice.
Me: cause i dont like being lied to
Him: Nicole, I'm not lying to you. I really do think you're pretty.
Me: ok then thats your opinion
Him: Yep, I' not the one to give out a compliment for the fun of it.


(Later that night after some small talk and him saying he's still trying to figure me out, to which I wished him luck since I don't even know myself.)


Him: Oh well at least I figured out something about you today
Me: ?
Him: I honestly don't know how to explain it to you.
Me: haha.. oh well anyway im gonna turn my phone off for the night
Me: oh and btw it would be totally legit to just say that im crazy.... everyone else already does. night!

This was just on my ipod and I was thinking as I sang along how this song is so true for me. Every last word... and then I realized it's not all true anymore. I've gotten to the point in my life where I've been broken so many times that I don't know if I can put all the pieces back one more time.

Well, that's enough of my ranting for now. I'm sure I have more to say but I'm not going to. I hope you're all doing well <3

Daily Update 3

Normally my 'daily updates' are updated throughout my day, but tonight I'm just doing an after all of today kind of thing.


I ate too much today. Way way way too much. I didn't reallllly binge, but it was too much, way way way too much. I feel disgusting. I'm a fat cow. I don't know how/why I let myself do this. I hate myself, I'm such a fucking moron! I did so good at home! WHAT THE FUCK?!? If I didn't want to be a dance therapist so bad I swear I'd just leave. What's so great about college anyway? All it is is loneliness and stress for me. I'm so grossed out by myself!


And on top of that, I had a really bad dance class tonight because all I could think about was that the reason I can't dance anymore and I've gotten so much worse is because I'm fucking FAT! I can't turn for shit because of these god damn fucking hips! Why won't they just go away!?!? I have two more weeks until I'm home again, ugh, I almost seriously just want to drop out. FUCK! Why do I do this to myself?


Maybe if I chug some coke zero I can get myself to throw up, ughh, but that doesn't undo anything!!! I really want to do that. But I don't want to go in the bathroom because one of my razors is in there and I've been so so good recently. It's been probably two or more weeks since I last cut. And it was on my leg, I've been really good about staying away from my wrists. FUCK! I don't even know what I feel anymore. I just hate myself. And I'm huge. 


HUGE HUGE HUGE! 


I used to be the little one, now I'm like three times the size of anyone else. I went from the skinny little Nikki to the fat girl. I'm the fat girl. I hate being the fat girl! And now I feel bad for ranting about all of this. I'm just insane, I'm mentally and emotionally unstable, I'm fucked up. I hate this. I hate my life. I hate everything about it. You know I haven't seriously thought about suicide in years? I mean, I won't do it, I know I won't so don't worry. But it would be so easy. SO easy. 


I even got more diet pills yesterday. I now take four different ones and water pills. Every pill is one step closer to cardiac arrest... as if I wasn't at risk for that anyway. Or in the past I was... and I've always had chest pain. FUCK!!! I can't eat tomorrow. Screw being healthy. Fuck it. Once I start eating I apparently can't stop. I can't be aloud alone with food. I'm a disgusting pig! This shouldn't be so difficult, but it is! Why? What the hell did I ever do to anyone to deserve this? Other than my sheer existence that is. I want to scream; I want to cry. But I don't know how, I don't know what to do.


Oh my god. I really need to stop now. I'm sorry, this was a fail of an update. There is nothing about my day actually in here. Just.... I don't even know. Sorry.

Updating Pages

Hello!!!


Okay, so I know I said I wasn't gonna post again until tomorrow but I've been updating my pages. 

Songs- this is a list of songs I put together that give me hope for the future, put me in a good mood, or just touch me in a really positive way.
Poems- this page is my PERSONAL poetry, this is stuff that I've written... it's not very good, but I try =)
Breathe- this page is one of my favorites!!! on here I have a list of things I like to use for coping with whatever, I've also included a links for pages with other ways of coping or just pages that can help with ED, then I put a list of 'distraction links' if you feel you are going to binge or cut or do something you know you shouldn't  these sites will provide some distraction from your thoughts (I hope).
                    -- At some point I will add a book list (books related to ED and SI/good books for distraction).


I'm also working on a page for my journals (but I want it to be private and that's not an option) and I'm also thinking of a page with quotes and/or poetry I find online or that you guys want to share (credit will be given).


Which brings me to my next point... if there is anything you would like to add to any of my lists/pages such as links, websites, coping strategies, ect, please let me know. You can always feel free to e-mail me. I love suggestions!

And if you haven't checked out any of my pages yet, you should go ahead and do it! Kill some time, let me know what you think, what you want to see more of, whatever... I make these pages for you guys just as much as I do for myself so don't hesitate to ask for something or suggest something =)

I love you all! You're all wonderful and beautiful!
<3 <3 <3

Read my journals?!?

OK, so heres what happened.


I have a journals (well two now since one's full) where I put pictures, quotes, write journal entries, poetry, I have ED recovery exercises, and have ways to cope. While I was at school I realized that I had left them at home... I still looked at school everyday just to be sure because I don't know how I could've done that! I think it was when I was freaking out looking for my jeans (the jeans I only fit in between 96-100 pounds which have become sort of a safety blanket type item to me).


So anyway, I get home and things are fine... first thing I do once I'm up in my room is go get my journals. My journals which it looks like my mom has read! Now these journals may not be as blatently honest as my blog, but the still have the last three years of some of the most personal thoughts going through my head. She didn't say anything to me about it (and dear God I hope she doesn't), but she left something in one of the pages that I dunno what it was and in another page she used the little bookmark strap thing that was attached to he journal.  So last night I'm trying to figure out what she read and what she may not have and I was slightly freaking out, although not as much as I expected. I'll be alone with her today for a while which makes me nervous because I don't want her to bring it up. And not only that, I don't think she got to my big 'I'm sorry...' but she did she a few small I'm sorry's and everything else, anyway... I can't even begin to imagine how much it hurt her to read those things about me, to see me talking about how much I hate myself and my life.


Uggh! I was just.... I don't even know. I just don't want her to know those things. I kept looking to see if she left me a note or something but she didn't. I'm going to be making a page at some point where I'll put in stuff from my journals (type up some of the things I wrote/post pictures of some of my 'artwork') so you guys will see it eventually. Uggh! Right now I just want to finish my coffee in peace and watch a Christmas movie! Maybe I'll wait until the 7 year old she watches is here before I ask her to help me bleach my hair so I can dye it.


AHHHHHH!!!!!! I just need to scream into a pillow or something! I'm going to dance later, even if I just stay in my room. I just need to dance!

Daily Update 1

You know what I  miss? Like, really really miss? Smiling. I mean, I'm not saying I don't smile on occasion, I do... but not a real smile. All I want right now is to smile, and it seems weird but it's been so long since I've truly been happy. And not only that, even when I do smile now, I'm so conscious of it and of how I look when I smile. I hate the way I look when I smile. My cheeks are too big. My eyes get smaller. When I was skinny I didn't have these problems, well, not to the degree that it bothered me right now.


That is what I was thinking about while I was at the gym. Smiling. Right now I'm in psychology. Class hasn't actually started yet so it's not like I'm not paying attention. I need to really start studying so I can do well on my finals in a few weeks. I can't keep messing around. I might actually go to the library. I never go to the library. But I think it'll be good. No distractions, I won't be totally alone, and no risk of binging. I was gonna hang out with a friend tonight, but I just have so much to do.


So far today I'm in a decent mood. Wasn't feeling well this morning due to allergies. I'm allergic to pretty much everything. If there's an allergy to it, I have it. Anyway, I take tons of meds for them but the one time release decongestant that I originally used was the only one that really really worked and got rid od f the morning sickness. Since it was discontinued I now take something else, which doesn't work as well but I guess it's the next best thing. Anyway, yeah, my allergies make me nauseous in the morning. And I'm not a fan of breakfast... sometimes it gets to the point where I have no choice but to eat something dry like a rice cake or something. I guess that's not the worst thing in the world though, right?


I'm excited to head home tomorrow night. I'll be home probably close to 10pm (depending on traffic, probably sooner actually) and then I have to leave Sunday morning to get back for rehearsal. There are goods and bads about being home.


Good
- eat healthy (less chance of a binge)
- quick check coffee =) yum!
- won't be alone


Bad
- have to leave my cigarettes here (I shouldn't be stressed to the point that I need them though)
- can only take so many diet pills and need to be discrete about taking them and make what I take last the four days
- make sure wrists are covered up at all times!


I've been trying to really take my life one day at a time. So today, I'm planning on going back to my apartment after class for lunch and a shower. Breakfast today was coffee. Lunch is going to be a peanut butter and banana sandwich. Then I have 3 dance classes. I have modern, a break, jazz, and advanced jazz. Usually during my break I will go to the gym for the second time (I go before the class I'm currently in also). I might bring some things to study today though. Maybe even go sit at a table to make sure I get work done. I do want to hang out with my friend tonight but I'm just going to let whatever happens happen. 


As I'm writing this I'm thinking I am going to do a daily update. Within the same post I will update once in the morning and once at night... and anytime in between I feel is necessary. I will do this within the same post by editing it so I don't have too many posts a day and then inspirational things and random stuff I feel like putting on here will be separate. As of now, it's around 10am. I have been up since 6am. I taught a pilates class and learned the arm weight series as well as went to the gym before coming here. Tomorrow my day starts later, not until 12:30, which is weird for me. I mean, I'll be up earlier for the gym of course. And now since I'm just rambling I think it's safe to say that this portion of my update has ended! I'll try to pay attention to class now.


~~


I'm on my break now... procrastinating of course. Something I forgot to mention that happened this morning is kind of coming back to bother me... don't worry I'm in a pretty decent mood right now! It's just in the back of my mind... I have to start wearing short sleeves to pilates so the teacher and myself can see my arms. Problem with that is, I hate my arms. They're gross which is why I always dance in long sleeves... or why I always wear long sleeves actually. I think my arms are the last place I loose weight from, which really sucks but whatever. I dunno, I'm gonna keep putting it off as long as I can. If she brings it up again I guess I'll have to bring a short sleeve shirt, I'll start off with long short sleeves though.


I'm sitting outside the dance studio right now as I continue to procrastinate. I just went into the book store and got this book called Inner Simplicity by Elaine St. James. The cover says "100 ways to regain peace and nourish your soul". It's an adorable mini-sized book that I plan to keep in my purse =)


It says things like: spend time in nature, connect with the sun, figure out what you don't want in your life, have weekend retreats at home, smile a lot, and tons of other great things! I plan on reading the whole thing, but I want to keep it with me so when I'm stressed out I can just flip to a page and find something that will help me calm down in the moment. I've only been flipping through the pages and looking at the headers (I literally JUST bought it), but so far I think it's really great. You should check it out sometime.


I realized my posts are going to be super long because I'm doing this 'Daily Update' style, hope you guys don't mind! I have a great video I want to show you guys though!





Enjoy!


~~


It is now almost 11pm and I just got back from the gym with a friend. Overall, I think today was a good day. I stayed in a good mood all day, my eating wasn't too bad, I went to the gym twice, danced pretty well, and now I'm about to knock out some studying for that test I have tomorrow. I think I'll survive tomorrow too. =)

Letting it out....

Sometimes I just feel like I need to scream at the top of my lungs. I don't know what that would accomplish for me. Maybe someone would hear me? Probably not. 

I'm sorry, but I don't do emotions. I just feel numb all the time. Sometimes, I think I get sad... but I've realized that I turn that emotion into anger because I can deal with anger better. I can't let people see me sad, I can't let them see me break down the way I am.

I'm falling apart. I broke through rock bottom and I've been stuck down here for over a year now. It's cold. It's dark. I'm lost and scared. I want to scream, I really do. But I think I have an overlying fear that even if I do, they still won't care. No one cares about me. I've been alone my whole life. Who am I expecting to hear me?

And sometimes all I want to do is cry. But I don't know how to cry. I don't know how to do anything. I don't know what I want from life. I don't understand why I'm alive. I don't even know who I am anymore, all I know is that I don't like this person. I want to change. I want to be 'better'. I want to have my perfection back. It shouldn't be this difficult to get something that I want so badly. But it is. Everything is hard for me. 

I just want my happy ending.

This is my video, I made it from movie clips. I have a lot more videos like this and other random ones. Please let me know if you would like the link to my youtube channel.