As if I'm not crazy enough...

So I had a kind of mini performance tonight. We had dress rehearsal at 5 and then opened at 8. I wear tights under all of my costumes... a) we have to wear a tan leotard under all our costumes and when that shit goes up your ass it's kind of hard to ignore b) no one sees my legs. ever. I don't even look at my legs.


Let's think about this. My legs are huge, flabby, and disgusting. They just don't look good. Not everyone has nice legs. No one wants to see that shit. Then just the fact that if my legs were to be exposed, I would physically feel uncomfortable and it would affect my dancing. It's hard enough dealing with the fact my arm flab is all over the fuckin place, it's just too much. And what else? Oh! How about the fact that there are scars covering my legs! Hip to knee. Old slashes going every which way... long white lines, short white lines... there for all to see.

I haven't had one of these tights situations since before the leg so that's just a whole other level that's been tacked on to everything. So anyway, after dress rehearsal we all talked a little and the dance instructor who was in charge of everything for this show calls me over. And she basically just wanted to tell me that it looks awkward that I'm the only one with tights on and I flat out told her I feel uncomfortable without them, I won't go on stage without them, whatever. And she was fine with it she just wanted it to be known she talked to me about the tights if the director said anything but she left the choice up to me so of course I wore them... but I started to cry, like really cry. 


And she's so sweet and she just got like really worried like... she did not expect that reaction at all from me, she didn't think tights could make me so emotional, yada yada. She was like I'm so sorry, I didn't know this was going to make you feel this way. And she wanted to know why I am so "attached" I guess, to my tights. So I told her, I don't look good without them, I feel uncomfortable. I was like, ask anyone in the costume shop I'm always the one causing problems and I always find a way to wear tights anyway. 


So she like tried to talk to me and tell me no one would be looking at my legs they would be looking at my dancing and the that I'm beautiful blah blah blah. She like couldn't even find the words though because she knows me, but not really well... and she was like I don't know why this is such a thing for you or whatever I just hope it's not... and she couldn't find the words. She was like actually kind of scared about the fact that I got so worked up over something so trivial and that I got so upset about it.


I
am
insane.


It's like seriously ridiculous how crazy I am. I hate it. I hate being crazy. I hate everything about this. I hate my life. Ughh... this needs to stop.

Borderline?

Trying to put myself in a better mood and not break down right now. Nights are always so rough. Nights are lonely. I don't sleep at night. I hate it. I'm so tired. I can't sleep.


I think I may have borderline personality disorder... or at least something very close. Yet another reason not to go to therapy. I mean, I don't like talking about this stuff and I don't want to. Not in a therapy session. It's awkward. But on top of it I think I have this underlying fear of being diagnosed with even more shit. I hate diagnoses. I hate being labeled. I hate it. 


I feel huge. My ass is way to big. My thighs are atrocious. My arms are flabby. I don't have the distinct jawline I once had. Don't even get my started on my stomach. And my hips. Oh my god. I hate it all. I hate all of me. 


I need serious fucking help. I don't want help. I just want someone to hold me and make me feel okay. I want to feel safe. I felt safe with C... safe from myself... safe from this hellhole I call my life. 


This is all straight from Mayo Clinic. 

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is an emotional disorder that causes emotional instability, leading to stress and other problems.

With borderline personality disorder your image of yourself is distorted, making you feel worthless and fundamentally flawed. Your anger, impulsivity and frequent mood swings may push others away, even though you desire loving relationships.

Borderline personality disorder affects how you feel about yourself, how you relate to others and how you behave.

When you have borderline personality disorder, you often have an insecure sense of who you are. That is, your self-image or sense of self often rapidly changes. You may view yourself as evil or bad, and sometimes may feel as if you don't exist at all. 

I also read that eating disorders, anxiety, depression, stress disorders (PTSD), mood disorders, and substance abuse can go along with BDP.

It's a lot about being emotionally unstable. I don't think that I really have it... I dunno, I just seem to have a lot of the symptoms but it's not really that bad in me that it would be diagnosed. Unless I went somewhere because they just like to diagnose and label everyone that comes through the door.

I dunno... my whole life I've just known there was something wrong with me. I was off in some way. When I was little I used to think I had some disease that no one had ever heard of before. Like I was the first to have it. I knew I was fucked up from the very start.

I really don't know where I'm going with this post... I guess I just wanted to share...