Good Morning!!

So I basically have insomnia most of the time. I have such a hard time falling asleep/staying asleep. I get like 2-4 hours a night, 6 if I'm lucky. Any more than 6 I feel like I've overslept and will be tired. But then... every couple of months there is one week where I go into what I call coma mode. That's where I currently am.


It does usually happen when I'm home which is perfect because I don't have to worry about missing classes and such. But I basically just sleep 24/7. I don't mind it so much, I know that I need to catch up.


So yesterday, I went to the Borders by me because they are going out of business. Everything is on sale so I got a bunch of stuff. I got two books on autism and working with kids living with autism, a pilates book with photos of Joseph Pilates himself, Whispers: The Voices of Paranoia (so so interesting so far), and a few calorie counter/protein counter pocket books. 


I'm such a dork sometimes, Whispers is actually pretty scientific and talks a lot about parts of the brain and chemicals in the brain... I swear if I was smarter I would take more neuropsychology classes. It's so interesting to me.


Which reminds me! I also got GED for Dummies so I can start studying and make sure I get into the graduate school I want since I really don't want to continue at the school I'm currently at even though they're holding a spot for me. So anyway I get it and show my dad I have it so I can start studying and everyone knows I need a lot of help with it so it's just funny that it's the one for dummies. What's even funnier? I need to study for the GRE... I'm already done with high school there's no reason to take the GEDs. And... since the store is going out of business, I can't return it. Oops! 

I'll go back today and pick up the right one... or tomorrow. I want to look at more book books, to like relax and read on my longish weekends and days off in the nice warm weather. I had an arm full of books after going through the health/medical and psychology sections that I didn't even want to be bothered with looking around the rest of the store.


I miss being home. It just reminds me of high school. I mean... I hated high school all except for dance. But just the small of the house and waking up walking down the stairs for my coffee... there are things from my past I want back, and I just feel so much closer to them here. I feel  more connected to them. I feel more in control. I don't think I ever knew I had such a problem with change until I went to college.


And most times when I'm home, I love it, but try to be out of the house as much as possible. Not so much this week. I don't mind being here. At night though I wish I had something to do. But it's fine. Maybe I'll make a fire in the backward one night. It's not like I ever went anywhere other than dance, dance competitions, or dance workshops when I was in highschool. I didn't hang out with any "friends". Occasionally on the weekends with J but that's about it. I spent a lot of time with my parents. I kind of had those people, and this is still the case, where we're friends in school but then I have no one to hang out with outside of class and stuff. It's whatever at this point. 


I wouldn't change the fact that I was always dancing in highschool for anything. Waking up at 4am to shower, do my hair and makeup, and drive to a competition an hour or so away. Oh my god. I loved the early morning ones! It would still be dark out, no one on the road. And then we wouldn't even leave until 11pm to come home. I miss competing. I really do. I miss rehearing for competition. I'm going to stop there. I miss dance and my dance studio... that's all. Everyone knows that already. 








And this post turned out longer than I expected. I'm going to have a few more sips of coffee, get a quick work out in, and jump in the shower. 

In the middle of putting in pictures... my 2 year old cousin's looking for me... gotta run! 

Borderline?

Trying to put myself in a better mood and not break down right now. Nights are always so rough. Nights are lonely. I don't sleep at night. I hate it. I'm so tired. I can't sleep.


I think I may have borderline personality disorder... or at least something very close. Yet another reason not to go to therapy. I mean, I don't like talking about this stuff and I don't want to. Not in a therapy session. It's awkward. But on top of it I think I have this underlying fear of being diagnosed with even more shit. I hate diagnoses. I hate being labeled. I hate it. 


I feel huge. My ass is way to big. My thighs are atrocious. My arms are flabby. I don't have the distinct jawline I once had. Don't even get my started on my stomach. And my hips. Oh my god. I hate it all. I hate all of me. 


I need serious fucking help. I don't want help. I just want someone to hold me and make me feel okay. I want to feel safe. I felt safe with C... safe from myself... safe from this hellhole I call my life. 


This is all straight from Mayo Clinic. 

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is an emotional disorder that causes emotional instability, leading to stress and other problems.

With borderline personality disorder your image of yourself is distorted, making you feel worthless and fundamentally flawed. Your anger, impulsivity and frequent mood swings may push others away, even though you desire loving relationships.

Borderline personality disorder affects how you feel about yourself, how you relate to others and how you behave.

When you have borderline personality disorder, you often have an insecure sense of who you are. That is, your self-image or sense of self often rapidly changes. You may view yourself as evil or bad, and sometimes may feel as if you don't exist at all. 

I also read that eating disorders, anxiety, depression, stress disorders (PTSD), mood disorders, and substance abuse can go along with BDP.

It's a lot about being emotionally unstable. I don't think that I really have it... I dunno, I just seem to have a lot of the symptoms but it's not really that bad in me that it would be diagnosed. Unless I went somewhere because they just like to diagnose and label everyone that comes through the door.

I dunno... my whole life I've just known there was something wrong with me. I was off in some way. When I was little I used to think I had some disease that no one had ever heard of before. Like I was the first to have it. I knew I was fucked up from the very start.

I really don't know where I'm going with this post... I guess I just wanted to share...